Mo-Sense or Non-Sense - Mormon Explanations

Just because its made up does not mean it is not true. Add your explanations at the bottom of this page.

04/29/2005 - oohawewow

The Adam-God doctrine was taught at General Conference but if one believes it today one is excommunicated.

04/11/2003 - from Bring'em Young

Welcome to the Mormon church. Please check your brain at the door. What? You want a claim-check? Sorry, we destroy all checked items at time of entry. Thanks for coming... next...

03/08/2003 - from CANIGETAFU

Okay, so I'm reading the post of 1-20-00 from rwalker and then from james. rwalker states that he was taught (as was I) that the blacks had been less valiant in the preexistence. James was taught (again, as was I) that retarded people had been MORE valiant in the preexistance. It just never dawned on me before. I've met 2 black AND retarded people in my lifetime. So which is it Gordie? You're the so-called prophet! I think this is an honest question. I'm sure that there are a number of black retards out there - and don't blame this on Schizophrenia!

11/12/2001 - anon
Why is the NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION CENTER head-quartered in Utah?

Why is the annual SHAKEN BABY SYNDROME CONFERENCE held in Salt Lake City every year?

10/17/2000 - anon
polygamy was ok back then, because there were more women than men, and they needed to be taken care of, but then later God changed his mind when utah wanted to be a state

07/12/2000 - Bryce Anderson

I KNOW [THE CHURCH IS TRUE / JESUS DIED FOR MY SINS / JOSEPH SMITH WAS A TRUE PROPHET]: "True knowledge is not to be gained by intense study, but by constantly repeating a phrase until I convince myself that it's accurate.

SAFETY LIES IN FOLLOWING OUR LEADERS: "Thinking for yourself is such a pain. Why not let us do it for you?"

BEGUILED BY SATAN: "I can't imagine why anyone would think anything but happy thoughts about the Church. In fact, the idea is so mind-boggling that it must be evidence of the supernatural."

BURNING IN THE BOSOM: "Sure, I get the same feeling by watching 'Far and Away,' but when I get it from the scriptures, it's a totally different thing."

CRITICS OF THE CHURCH: "They're completely deluded and ineffective. In fact, just last conference, the Prophet gave a long lecture on why they are so deluded and ineffective. And there was an article in the Ensign about it three months ago, so they must be really marginal and irrelevant."

I'D LIKE TO BEAR MY TESTIMONY: "That's why I'm standing up here, after all."

I HAVE A STRONG TESTIMONY OF [. . .]: "Feelings are more important than facts."

PRAY TO KNOW IF IT'S TRUE: "Since we already know it's true, any feelings you get to the contrary simply prove that you're a spiritually blinded tool of Satan."

FARMS WROTE A GREAT ESSAY ON [. . .]: "I haven't read it myself, but since some of them are PhDs, it must be irrefutable."

"What Mormons say" vs. "What it really means."

07/12/2000 - Kikki Planet

"I'm so proud to be a part of a gathering of young men and women who set such a fine example for the youth of this world!" Translation: Holy shit, this is the most boring thing I've ever done in my life....somebody peel my ass out of this Laura Ashley dress and point me in the direction of the nearest bar.

"President Wright is the most spiritual man I've ever met." Translation: President Wright has an outstanding relationship with his right hand.

"The stake dance on Friday night was loads of fun!" Translation: I spent the majority of the dance making out with Joe Blow who just got back from his mission.....luckily, no one toured the parking lot so we didn't get caught sinning in the back of his father's minivan.

"Peter and Molly prayed and fasted about it and now they are announcing their engagement.' Translation: Peter's peter prayed and fasted about it and now Peter's peter is announcing his engagement.

"I just LOVE young women's camp!" Translation: Meet me in the bush, girls.....I snuck in a bottle of Sambuca and some American cigarettes!

07/12/2000 - Natalie

My Gospel Standards

I will remember my baptismal covenants and listen to the Holy Ghost. (What? Waddya mean? Stop talking, I'm trying to bear my testimony here! The voices! Somebody tell them to shut up!)

I will be honest with Heavenly Father, others and myself. (If this means deluding myself, I will honestly do this, with great fervor and gusto.)

I will seek good friends and treat others kindly. (At least from a distance. After all, "others" could be friends of Satan. Unless they are prospects for baptism, best to leave "others" alone.)

I will dress modestly to show respect for Heavenly Father and myself. (Heavenly Father does NOT approve of that cleavage. Joseph Smith, on the other hand, would have given it a RAVE review! I really, really, don't want to buy those Mormon shorts. Heavenly Father wouldn't have given me this a** if he didn't want me to show it off, would he have?)

I will only read and watch things that are pleasing to Heavenly Father. (Damn, now what are we supposed to do with this f***ing cable satellite dish? VERN, throw out those Playboys. Heavenly Father isn't PLEASED.)

I will only listen to music that is pleasing to Heavenly Father. (Does that mean no more Tori Amos CDs? Just who is this Heavenly Father guy, and where the hell does he think he gets off? Ooooh, do you suppose. Nah. Let's not go there.)

I will use the names of Heavenly Father and Jesus reverently. I will not swear or use crude words. (Sometimes, ya just gotta say f**k. Sorry, Heavenly Father, but there are times when no other word will do. I'm sure you understand.)

I will keep my mind and body sacred and pure, and I will not partake of things that are harmful to me. (This, of course, could not possibly refer to the mountains of food that I stuff inside my body, trying to fill that emptiness. After all, only drugs and alcohol are harmful. I NEVER drink or take drugs. VERN, pass that twinkie and green jello, please! Ice CREAM? Wooohoooo!!!)

I will do those things on the Sabbath that will help me feel close to Heavenly Father. (Sex? Well, I know I yell "Oh God" a lot. Hey, that makes me feel close. Well, that one must work.)

I will choose the right. I know I can repent when I make a mistake. (I find no humor in this. Repent my ass! Not before every loudmouth busybody in the ward knows exactly what you have done and with whom. Take that guilt and shove it up your . . . oh, I'm sorry. The still small voice is telling me to be quiet now.)

I will live now to be worthy to go to the temple and serve a mission. I will follow Heavenly Father's plan for me. (I will live now like I want, screwing around, drinking, drugs, playing, and then go to the Bishop and repent, so that I can go to the temple and serve a mission. I will follow my own plan for me, until I realize that I am not destined to be the next Red Hot Chili Pepper or Britney Spears, and then I will dutifully get married in the temple and join the ranks of the Cultural Mormons. It is at this point, that I will buy my first pair of "Mormon" shorts and cry like a baby.)

03/30/2000 - anon
Another story about my first branch president. A very sanctimonious guy, he engaged in some debate on Mormonism with some non-believers and then ended the discussion with this unassailable statement: "Even if Mormonism was proven to be false, I would still be a Mormon because it is a great way to raise my kids." Hard to argue with that, I guess.

02/28/2000 - Richard Lionheart
Oh, you guys are gonna love this one!

I was cruising the Mormon ring today and came across a site that claims to have all the answers about Mormonism. A person e-mailed him a question that said "Where in the BIBLE does it say that the name of the church should be "Mormon"? What does "Mormon" mean, anyway? Here's the answer:

"...where is the name "Mormon" in the Bible? Mormon was just the name of the man who edited the sacred history of one group in the Americas. No-one knows for sure what the equivalent name would be in Hebrew or Greek, but we can guess. In Egyptian, "Mor" means "love", and "Mon" can be interpreted as "established forever". So "Mormon" can mean "love established forever"...

Love Established Forever - isn't that sweet... :)

02/19/2000 - enigmatic
How about this one: A True Believing Mormon teen I am aquainted with told me that I should feel "honoured" and "special" because Satan found my soul "worthy" enough to fight for. *raises eyebrow* Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

02/08/2000 - anon
I was with my Wife, a TBM, visiting our wards previous Relief Society President. While there the RS Pres, noted in the branch for her faith and spiritual insight, began to discuss the location of the Twelve Tribes of Israel.

She explained that the lost tribes lived - inside the earth - and that group of people from Finland had discovered the hole in the earth, along with a wayward pilot during the second world war. They were put in a mental hospital because they were persecuted for the truth.

Evidently, there is a whole land and second sun inside the earth and it is all lovely and good. The wicked people of the National Air and Space Administration (NASA) are kept from seeing this hole in the earth until the appointed hour.

I never knew I could be so blind.

02/04/2000 - Jen
I heard all the above explanations and then some. The one I heard most frequently was that black were not ready for the preisthood. I heard that the main reason blacks were finally given the priesthood in the 70s was due to wanting better ball players on the BYU teams.

01/20/2000 -rwalker
I was taught as a child that Heavenly Father was actually very loving to withhold the priesthood from blacks because the blessings of the priesthood also come with responsibilities--responsibilities that the blacks weren't ready to shoulder, as was obvious from the fact that they were less valiant in the preexistence. So our kind, loving Heavenly Father was giving them an easier road back to Him since they were not held to as high standards as we were. The blacks were in the remedial class while we Mormons were honor students, but it would all look the same on our report cards

01/20/2000 - James
I was taught that all retarded or "mentally challenged" people had been MORE valiant in the "war in heaven" than the rest of us and as a resut god had rewarded them with not having to do anything more than come here to get a body.

01/19/2000 - Annie
It's the reason I was taught at church that blacks could not hold the priesthood-they were spirits that were less valiant in the pre existence. I know the church now denies that they ever taught that, but it was taught and was widely accepted at one time. It's also the reason given that some lucky spirits are born into LDS homes-they were more valiant in the pre existence, whereas you poor saps that were born into non member homes and later had to convert were just a little less valiant in the pre existence. That's the church's explanation for why some are born in terrible circumstances such as being born in Ethiopia and having to starve to death by age 10-they were less valiant in the pre existence. You have to hand it to mormonism, they have a stupid explanation for everything.

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