Don WithFever, a Church Spokesman had this to say regarding the policy change.
"We have been attempting for the last 50 years or so to try and fight the spread of pornography. Our biggest concern has been the
increase in its usage by the brethern in the Church. We have pleaded and begged the brethern until we are blue in the face, but how can a
bunch of geriatric men in suits compete with Paris Hilton and the other VIVID Porn Stars, I mean look at her! Look at her!"
He waves a copy of a Swank magazine towards the reporter, and I have to agree, he has a point. So I asked him what they plan to do?
"Well we have decided to create porno films that teach moral values." WithFever said.
"How will you do that?" I asked.
"Well each film will begin with a prayer, and end with a prayer. Before the act commences, the couple (there will be no threesomes or lesbians
scenes unfortunately)will kneel by the bed and have a prayer. After they are finished, they will close with a prayer."
"How interesting...I think?" I said.
"They will also be wearing the proper holy garments and demonstrate taking them off and making sure not to throw them on the floor, and then
show them immediately putting them back on after the act to show the importance of doing this." WithFever said.
"Do you have any plans about what the first film will be about?" I asked.
"We have a working title called 'The Little Factory that Couldn't.' It involves a teenage boy, at least 18 or of the proper adult age who
plays with his Little Factory too much. He then gets married in the temple to his eternal companion, but can't consumate the marriage
because he has spilt all his seed on the ground and is now good for nothing."
"So the woman tries to help him get it up?" I ask excitedly.
"No, they go to the Bishop where he confesses of his sins. The Bishop tells him not to do it anymore. The Climax, heh heh, as I like to call
it is that they go home and make out. He is able to finish the act. Do you want to see it?"
"I sure do!" I say excitedly.
The film comes on with the two kissing each other gently on the bed. They then pull the covers over themselves and continue making out.
"Hey wait a minute! I can't see anything if they go under the sheets like that!" I protest.
We had to keep it to a decent standard. We can't go with showing the whole thing like...happening. That would be wrong.
"How can you justify calling it a porno then!?" I ask indignently.
"Didn't you see how much leg we were showing on her. That's the pornography right there!" WithFever says gesturing to the screen.
Next I went and talked with Peter North, a frequent performer in such movies as Northpole and How Many Chicks can He Do Before He Gives UP Exhausted?
"It is an honor speaking with you Mr. North. You don't know how much I envy you." I said.
"The job has been sucking lately." North said.
"I bet you mean that in a dirty way..heh heh." I said excitedly.
"No, I mean it sucks. Ever since we started doing the LDS films, things just aren't as fun."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"That stupid praying before the act. Here I am all hot a raring to go, and they have to start with prayer. Sometimes if the lady is long winded, I get bored and I lose it."
"Lose it, as in going crazy?"
"No, I lose my hard on and we have to start all over again."
"Oh."
"Do you know how hard it is to get excited about doing it when you have to pray first. I feel like someone is watching me."
"But they are watching you." I say.
"No, but when I get the feeling GOD is watching me, I get self conscious and can't perform." North says.
A directer yells for Peter North to get ready for the next scene.
"What's this film about?" I ask.
"Oh, I play the part of a Bishop counseling a young married couple about sex."
"Do you get into a threesome, huh?"
"No...I just counsel them. Gawd this job stinks now."
November 4,2006
Gordon’s Groceries will be centered around the Word of Wisdom, according to spokeswoman Candy Christiansen. “Faithful Latter-day Saints will no longer have to hurry past aisles of tea, coffee or alcoholic beverages to get to the cookies and potato chips. Our stores will be Word of Wisdom based and dedicated to the healthy eating habits and clean lifestyle of the Utah saints.”
The stores will not carry any coffee, tea, alcohol or caffeinated beverages. They will retain the pharmacies but items such as condoms, KY Lubricant, “personal massagers” and any method of birth control will not be sold. Per the request of the Quorum of the Twelve, Viagra and Cialis will be offered at a discount to temple recommend holders over the age of fifty.
According to Christiansen, negotiations are in progress with Chuck-A-Rama to incorporate their restaurants right inside Gordon’s Groceries, allowing Gordon’s patrons to eat a healthy balanced lunch at the all-you-can-eat buffet before shopping .
Orem resident, LaJean Brown, feels the new grocery is a blessing from the Lord. "I have always been nauseated by the odor from the coffee aisle at Albertson's. I've also avoided taking my children into the pharmacy for fear that my teenagers might see the boxed condoms...it was such an unwholesome atmosphere."
Christiansen believes the new grocery will strengthen the testimonies of church members. "The plans for this new Word of Wisdom based grocery is a testimony to me that the Prophet really does speak with the Lord face to face in the temple. I know that in Gordon's, the spirit will never be driven from shoppers by coffee, tea or other foods prohibited by God."
April 25, 2006
"We were in
luck," said Midgley-Welch, beaming. "Several FARMS contributors and officers
have some expertise in doughnut consumption, so we feel like we have a good
product."
According to a FARMS pamphlet, Kishkumen Kreme is an attempt to
get back to a more authentic version of the doughnut. "We recently found the
original manuscript of the Book of Japheth," said Midgley-Welch. "Joseph Smith
had found an ancient doughnut wrapper amid the papyrus fragments of the Book of
Abraham. We are so grateful to have his inspired translation."
"Many
plain and precious parts of the recipe were lost, and fortunately, the prophet
Joseph restored some of these truths in what is now known as the Inspired
Version of the Recipe," said Russell P. Lindsay of FARMS. "The emergence of such
heretical versions as Krispy Kreme, though motivated by real desire to stay true
to the recipe, is proof of the long-prophesied Yeast Apostasy. And don't get me
started on Dunkin. Scary."
"Something most members don't know is that the 'knife' in
facsimile 1 in the Book of Abraham is really a maple bar," said Corey Pants,
amateur Egyptologist. "Hugh Nibley showed parallels between the maple bar and
the coronation pageants of ancient Egypt, again proving that Joseph got it
right."
To claims that Kishkumen Kreme is merely a bad imitation of
Krispy Kreme, Professor DonLoy Peterson sneered, "Who told you that, Tal Tales
Bachman? Anything he said, I categorically deny. Yes, there's a vague
resemblance, but our doughnuts are the only true and living doughnuts with which
God is pleased. It all goes to show that all doughnut-makers have part of the
true recipe, but only ours have all of the truth."
One of the first
customers, Garth Pendrake of Manti, spat out his first bite. "Dude, that's
terrible!"
Peterson smiled and replied, "It's not the doughnut that's
bad, it's your attitude. I suggest you eat six a day until you learn to love
them. It may take a lifetime, but it will be well worth the effort."
As part of the grand opening celebration, FARMS scholars were also pleased to
introduce the latest addition to their research group, Dr. Fred J.
Amplegirth.
Amplegirth, a Ph.D. in Bullsh*t from the University of It
Doesn't Matter Where Since His Apologetic "Research" Is Only A Series of Ad Hoc
Damage Control Spin Jobs Anyway, appeared, box of donuts in hand, with an
exposed, painted (not to say fulsome) belly, on the platform next to FARMS Anger
Management Consultant Purvis Winchley. His whistling bellybutton rendition of
"If You Could Shove Your Face Full of Cheeseburgers, Donuts, and Coke While
Sneering at Wine Drinkers" (an updated version of "If You Could Hie to Kolob")
brought - well, not the house down, but the actual platform on which he was
standing. (Amplegirth reportedly weights in excess of 400
pounds).
Doctors at Provo Hospital treated Amplegirth for leg wounds,
back spasms, and indigestion. Six bystanders, including Winchley, currently
suffering from Turret's Syndrome, were also treated for injuries.
In a
statement released to the media, Amplegirth asked that rather than flowers and
cards, well-wishers simply send as many boxes of donuts as possible.
January 12, 2006
"We felt it appropriate to honor our prophet with the name," said Elder Huck Shyster of the Seventy. "Besides, Disney already used our first choice, Fantasyland."
Spokesman Bob C. Noevil spoke of the need to bring more fun and enjoyment to the lives of Latter-day Saints. "The brethren felt that, despite their best efforts to reduce and simplify, members were spending too much time on meetings, service projects, and chapel cleaning. So, the need was there, and why not make a buck while we're at it?"
The property is divided into 4 different-themed areas.
Here members have a chance to draw closer to the spirit by living the temple experience in all its glory. Rides include:
Prayer Circle of Doom - This is a fast-moving, spinning carousel with a twist. Before the ride starts, each male must take the woman to his left in the patriarchal grip. Those who break the grip will be flung from the ride violently. Ride operators warn that any unkind feelings may cause the ride to malfunction. "I usually get pretty dizzy on these rides," said Carole Brown of Highland, "But wearing the veil helped somehow."
Blood Atonement Alley (not for the squeamish) - This haunted house depicts the execution of temple penalties in graphic detail, as well as the horrors of outer darkness, which awaits those who leave the one true church. "Dude, the disemboweling was so cool. Guts everywhere," said Travis Hubbard of Wanship. "I can't wait to see the real thing in the temple."
Extraction: the ride - Members will learn what it's like to be a geriatric extraction worker by riding an intense rollercoaster while simultaneously peering into a microfilm reader to type in parish records from 19th-century Poland.
Here members will learn the true meaning of joy through giving.
The main attraction here is the Straight and Narrow Path, a large treadmill on which members walk for hours, while animatronic priesthood leaders pile more burdens on them and say, "You'll be blessed for this. You just need to remind yourself how happy this makes you."
Another ride is Telemarketer Time Trials, where members work in a call center to take Bible orders and get callers to commit to taking the missionary discussions. Those who get the most commitments win a small plush toy or a coupon for a refill of diet caffeine-free Coke.
House of Guilt - this attraction begins with a PPI (Personal Priesthooh Interview) with an animatronic bishop. When he discerns your unworthiness, you are
sent through a repentance process during which you will experience the fun of shunning, gossip, judgmental ward members, social isolation.
A rest station is provided called General Conference, where members may doze on stiff, upright benches while watching an endless loop of conference talks.
Each member entering missionary land will be issued a name tag and sent into local neighborhoods to share the gospel. "We got shot at, but we managed to leave some pamphlets with a few golden contacts," gushed LaVoy Ogden of Fillmore.
Honey, I Went to the MTC - This interactive program is designed to rapidly strip you and your family of individuality and critical thinking. You will learn to function as a group and use peer pressure to keep each other in line. Outside food and independent thought are not permitted.
Testimony Race - This activity involves seeing how many testimonies you can write inside Books of Mormon in 15 minutes. Winners receive a free copy of the Book of Mormon and a handshake from a General Authority (note that this usually results in a visit to the House of Guilt, due to the General Authorities' superior powers of discernment).
The centerpiece of Josephland is a large, polished shaft whose erection in the very loins of the theme park shows our devotion to Jesus Christ, whom we would not know anything about were it not for our great prophet.
Polygs of Illinois - This ride takes a nostalgic trip through Old Nauvoo, where Joseph can be seen chasing and violating young girls, seducing his friends' wives, having dissenters threatened and beaten, and destroying critical printing presses.
Abraham's Scroll - This wild ride simulates the twisting and deception apologists must employ to salvage Joseph's translation of the Book of Breathings. "That was intense. I feel like every brain cell in my head was shaken out," said a dazed man, who identified himself only as runtu.
Admission is free after a voluntary donation of 10% of your income and a frontal lobotomy.
January 1, 2006
In response to this rise in reports of spiritual identity theft, LDS leadership responded by instituting more security safeguards into its sacred temple ceremonies. LDS members will now be required to select a Celestial Pin Number immediately upon receiving their secret username. Furthermore, the static signs, symbols and handshakes procedure is replaced by a more secure procedure where words and body positions will be determined on-the-fly by Celestial token randomization software.
LDS Members hail these new cutting-edge innovations in religious technology as a Godsend.
"It's not fair that I spend an entire lifetime abstaining from coffee and liquor just to have smoker Joe Shmoe down the street use the internet to fake his way into the Celestial Kingdom. These new security revelations are proof that the church is true," said Nephi Jorgenson of Provo, Ut.
December 31, 2005
Since the release of the TV ad and the free video: "Finding Faith in Christ" and the instructions to "call this number"
or "talk to your Mormon neighbor" the call center in SLC has been inundated with calls.
She also said she has tried referring the callers to their Mormon neighbor, but
they insist they do not have one.
She said several states: CA, Delaware, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York, Oregon, and Texas in particular, did not
have a "Mormon Neighbor" which was overloading the call center.
It was determined, after a special fast in the temple by the General Authorities, led by Boyde R D Packer, that
the only way to remedy the problem and insure that everyone had a "Mormon Neighbor" was to reassign homes to the
members and to do so in an organized, orderly fashion.
He quoted Joseph Smith saying that "he taught the members
correct principles and they governed themselves."
A letter has been sent out this week to all the Stakes in Zion asking for volunteers who will sell their homes, or trade
their homes to accomplish this inspired program.
Each Mormon is not to live any closer than three square blocks of another Mormon so every person can have
a "Mormon Neighbor. Maps of the local areas will accompany these letters.
This is the latest development in making sure that Mormonism is the "fastest growing" religion in the world and
everyone has a Mormon neighbor for distribution of the videos, fellowshipping, and Mormon Home Cottage Meetings, another
program to be announced as soon as the Mormon Neighbor Home Reassignment program has been instituted.
December 23, 2005
Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont - The Josephine rapture of the restoration of all things in the
fullness of time sparked burning
in the bosoms which spread
like wild fire through the hearts, souls, foreheads, abdomens and loins of the 87 faithful saints witnessing the 200th birthday
celebration of Joseph Smith.
Even though a severe winter snow storm forced the current Mormon prophet, Gordon Hinckley back to Zion in
Salt Lake City, Utah aboard the Huntsman Corporation private jet, those stalwarts with true pioneer spirit remained.
Not only did they refuse to
murmur or speak evil of the Lord's annoying, but they did not question God or lose their testimonies after their prayers for fine weather
for this marvelous and wonderful event were totally ignored.
Expecting a headline news event, Edelman World Wide Public Relations contracted with the Discovery Channel Myth Busters team to be on hand to
verify the miracles. Head Myth Buster, Jamie Hyneman warned investigators that "It a wise and adult generation who seeks after a sign" to
verify all Mormon miracles.
In spite of the bitter cold the celebration was held outside with only the warmth of the Holy Ghost to keep the faithful unfrozen.
Jamie performed a quick comparative fact check of the Joseph Smith death mask located in the Visitor's Center a few feet away. The mask was
on loan for this special event from the Museum of Church History and Art - MOCHA in Salt Lake City. Jamie, the crack
myth buster verified that Elder Asissy was in deed stigmatically bleeding from an identical wound. Three additional witnesses also stepped forward
to collaborate the findings.
Elder Tran Substani Ayshun of the Quorum of the Seventy, the first Genital Authority called from Pakistan felt uncontrollable urges to
remove his sacred temple garments during his talk. Upon removal of the garments the congregation gazed spell bound upon Elder Ayshun's
right breast which was bleeding profusely from what appeared to be a musket ball wound to his chest.
Jamie again verified that Joseph Smith had died of exactly such a gunshot wound. Mixing rapture with excruciating pain, Elder
Ayshun screamed out, "O, Lord my God!" as blood began to gush from the wound. He then stumbled towards the visitor's center
desperately looking for a window to leap from.
And it came to pass that Elder Padre Pio further astounded those gathered by calling Gordon B. Hinckley to repentance for departing
the celebration during trying times and weather. "President Hinckley is a fallen prophet and must needs be removed from his station and
destroyed. Thus saith the Lord of Hosts and Hostesses!"
Jamie noted that three witnesses viewed the countenance of Elder Padre Pio miraculously change to a glowing likeness of the Prophet
Joseph Smith. Eight witnesses testified to Jamie that Elder Padre Pio's priesthood member was truly magnified in the presence of those
virgins and even married females present.
The Young Women from the nearby Burlington Branch of the Church moved forward and spontaneously gave Elder Padre Pio a standing ovulation.
And it came to pass again that it came to pass Elder Padre Pio seized the moment
and declared himself to be the instrument in the
Lord's hand to restore the true order of prayer and the only true and living church to be named Latter-day Stigmatists - LDS.
"Who needs a urim and thummum when a prophet and seer like me has spiritual stigmatism." boasted Padre Pio.
President Padre Pio then knelt at the base of the polished granite shaft and commanded those faithful around him to form a circle to be
introduced to the true order of prayer. Eighty-seven followers then raised their right arms to the square and began to enact the temple
signs, tokens and penalties by slashing each others throats, disemboweling one another and taking turns cutting each others tongues out.
Jamie was so moved by the Spirit and the evidence that he immediately called Daniel Seer Peterson in Provo, Utah demanding immediate membership
in BYU-FARMS. He quickly logged onto the FAIR bulletin board with his broadband cell phone and began sharing the marvelous and wonderful details of his
conversion with Scott Gardner, Allen Wyatt, Kerry Shirts and Brandt Gardiner.
"Next up, I am taking my Mystbuster team to the jungles of Guatemala to help discover even more archaeological proof of the
Book of Mormon! I've never ridden a tapir before. I can't wait!" exclaimed Jamie. "After that, who knows? Maybe I'll take over
where Hugh Nibley left off on the Pearl of Great Price."
December 21, 2005
"I've been in love with him since him since he presided at our Paragonah Utah Stake Conference in 1969." Jerri went on to
explain, "My husband LaVell had been the Stake President but was struck by lightning and killed while atop the St. George
Temple repairing the roof.
Gordy, I mean President Hinckley was there to install the new Stake Presidency. As a grieving
widow, it was
while Gordy laid his hands on my head and gave me a priesthood blessing that those lustful thoughts of me wanting
him to lay his hands all over my body started. I've been having lovely, luscious, lusty dreams about him every night and every nap since."
"Oh my, and to think Gordy is single again after Marjorie died!"
After I die I hope Gordy will marry Sheri Dew. I believe
that Gordy, Marjorie, Sheri and I
agreed to this polygamous plan in the Pre-Existence. The Lord does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He!"
In a related story, Mother Teresa's biographer recently uncovered evidence of the famous Nun's own crush on President
Hinckley. On a secret trip to Calcutta to scout out future LDS Temple sites, Hinckley requested a discreet meeting with Mother
Teresa.
She had never heard of him. After an aid explained to her that Hinckley had been interviewed on Larry King live and was
scheduled for the Oprah show she eagerly agreed.
Mother Teresa was swooned by Hinckley's grasp of higher spiritual laws allowing her not only to be "sealed" to Jesus Christ, but
also to Joseph Smith and Hinckley simultaneously. Hinckley bedazzled her with the doctrine of reincarnation-polygamy which rotates
wives and husbands through the sheets and veils of the temple on a regular basis.
Temple security
cherubim with their flaming swords thus far have
been powerless in preventing Mae from crashing the Brethrens' Thursday morning sacred temple meetings.
Some of her best celestial come-on's are:
"Oh wherefore art thou, my grape peeling Gordy? Come on
over to my mansion in heaven some time big fella."
"You can baptize me for the dead anytime!"
"Is that a gallon size vial of consecrated oil
in your pocket Gordy? Or are you just happy to see me?"
"Let me be your Venus Viagra Queen and Priestess for time and all eternity!"
Post your comments or news story in this text box. Submit images to: news at salamander society dot com
Gordon’s Groceries will proudly offer the state’s largest selection of pre-sweetened Kool-Aid, cookies, ice-cream, and of course, Jello. A unique Gordon’s brand of fry sauce is in the works and should be available in stores by June, 2007.
Daniel: "Well, DonLoy this donut reminds me of the Gospel - One eternal round."
DonLoy: "Actually Daniel, this donut reminds me of my favorite argument technique to use on Ex-Mormons - Circular Reasoning."
According to Lindsay, ancient doughnut makers
did not have access to sugar, so they used honey. "Joseph called his doughnuts
'Krull-goo-on-Enish-Deseret,' which he translated as fried dough-thingy with
honey on it. His explicit use of honey is inexplicable except through the power
of revelation."
Washing and anointing flume - Members sit naked (except for a shield) in a fiberglass boat shaped like an oil vial. As the boats pass along the waterway, elderly animatronic figures fondle the passengers' bodies inappropriately while muttering strange promises. "It was such a touching experience," raved DuWain Young of Kaysville.
As a consequence, Sister Vonda Peterson reported that something had to be done, or she and Sister Vera Smith would
not be able to handle all the calls.
If not enough members volunteer by June 30, 2006, the members will be asked to fast and come in for a special
meeting in the local Stake Centers for "Mormon Neighbor Home Reassignment" and to bring their tithing receipts.
First to address the congregation was St. Faust of Asissy, counselor to Gordon B. Wrinkley who astounded those gathered as he began to
bleed from what appeared to be a gunshot wound to the forehead. At the sight of the stigmata, Sister Laverla Cannon, from Panguitch, Utah
began to speak in tongues, or at least in a previously unknown Southern Utah dialect.
In the mean time and amidst all the excitement Elder Boyd K Padre Pio, a former small scale factory worker, began to experience a
Josephine stigmatic blood engorgement of an even more rapturous kind in his loins and sinews. Elder Padre Pio bore a fervent testimony of
how the Lord saw fit to memorialize Joseph Smith with a solid granite shaft over thirty one feet tall. For the first time ever in
this Genital Authority's tenure as an apostle he began to smile in public. In fact Elder Padre Pio could not contain his glee as he
waxed eloquent declaring, "At long last the Lord has just made it known unto me that my calling and erection are made eternally sure!"
President Padre Pio then pronounced the congregation clean from the blood and sins of this generation. "Now go forth two by two and do
likewise unto your neighbors all nations, kindreds, tongues and people on the earth. We Latter-day Stigmatists will no longer be
stigmatized!" declared the pious new prophet.
"I know I'm old enough to be Gordy's mother, but in the eternal scheme of things it doesn't matter. In fact it rather turns me on."
Rumor among Salt Lake Temple workers is that the spirit of Mae West has been seen weeping, whaling and gnashing her teeth
while wandering the sealing rooms looking for President Hinckley.