"We have noted with growing alarm the increased tendency of members to forget about the birth and miraculous achievements of Joseph
Smith during the month of December", said the First Presidency statement. "All too often members concentrate instead on carols, scriptures, and stories celebrating the birth of Jesus. We therefore encourage all members to rededicate themselves to the true spirit of the season by focusing more on the birth of the prophet Joseph. Members would do well to consider emulating the example set by students and staff at BYU by replacing their traditional nativity scenes with scenes depicting the birth of the prophet. More traditional carols can and should be replaced with hymns like 'O How Lovely Was the Morning' and 'Praise to the Man'. Church lessons and talks during the month of December should also reflect this shift in emphasis."
A number of Christian leaders reacted with outrage to the news. "I cannot believe that after years of claiming to be a truly Christian
church despite all their talk of Joseph Smith", commented Rev. Albert Mohler, Jr., "that the Mormons would do such a thing. It is unfathomable - a slap at Christ himself."
"Like it or lump it, Christmas is a Christian holiday", remarked Rev. Jerry Falwell. "Mormons have the right to believe and worship how they want, but not even their closest friends in the Christian community, after all the Joseph worship lately, will ever be able to look at them the same way again. They might as well be celebrating the birth of Jim Jones."
"That is very much not the point", remarked Rev. Gloria Jameson of Salt Lake Episcopalian Church. "December has been the month in which we celebrate Jesus for literally hundreds and hundreds of years. To take away from that celebration by focusing on a man, particularly a man who broke every single commandment listed in the scriptures (not that I believe in them anyway as an Episcopalian minister), seems really wrong. I am very disappointed."
Aziz Turley brushed the criticisms aside. "None of this has any bearing on our knowledge that we are a genuinely Christian church, in fact the only true Christian church. And no fact will ever get in the way of that belief".
In a related story, researchers at LDS research group FARMS are set to publish a new 200 page pile of pedantic, obfuscatory
garbage defending Joseph Smith against new, well-documented charges that he raped, killed, and then ate at least three young girls
between the ages of eight and eleven. "No one ever said the prophet was perfect", said FARMS president DonLoy C. Peterson. "And
besides, what kind of food Joseph Smith ate is in no way essential to our salvation. I have decided to let the Lord judge Joseph, and
I suggest that other members do the same".
For more information, see: Ensign, Dec. 2003
Key sentence: "During December we celebrate not only the Savior’s birth but also the birth of the prophet who was the instrument to restore to earth a true understanding of Jesus Christ and the glorious fulness of His gospel."
See also a "Christmas" message mostly devoted to Joseph Smith.
December 21, 2005
Tariq Goebbels, a convert to the church of twenty two years, will replace the outgoing Richard Turley effective immediately.
Sources report that Turley had begun to suffer from intense headaches and nightmares induced by "internal anxiety" and "job stress".
"Richard's a good guy", said one church employee who asked for anonymity. "The pressure of spinning and dodging and lying day in and
day out just finally got to him." Turley, who resigned on Monday, is reportedly undergoing extensive testing at a the Utah State Hospital
south of the BYU campus in Provo, Utah and was unavailable for comment.
Goebbels was born in Iraq to a German ex-patriate father and Iraqi mother. He joined the church while visiting France when he was
eighteen, but only emigrated from Iraq to the United States two years ago after the American invasion began.
He earned a B.A. in
Communications from the University of Nuremberg and an M.A. in Broadcasting from The University of His Most High Holiness Saddam
The Blessed Hussein in Baghdad, where his "fact management skills" attracted the attention of such Middle Eastern communications
luminaries as PLO executive Hanan Ashrawi, the Taleban's Mullah Mohammed Omar, and Goebbels' namesake and former Iraqi deputy prime
minister, Tariq Aziz.
In a related story, prominent LDS anthropologist John L. Sorenson is set to unveil a brand new theory to explain the absence of any
evidence supporting Book of Mormon claims. "My new theory is, the Book of Mormon was composed in the early 19th century. What's amazing
is, once I theorized that, everything just fell into place, everything. Other than my entire life now imploding before my eyes, a
barrage of wounding personal attacks from all those I worked so closely with at FARMS, all my Gentile peers saying 'I told you so', an
inconsolable wife having a nervous breakdown, my children now being scared of me because I might 'infect them with my apostacy', and the
loss of my retirement pension due to my forthcoming resignation from the church, I am very excited by this breakthrough".
When asked about this development, new communications director Goebbels immediately commented, "JOHN SORENSON IS NEVER HAVE TESTIMONY.
JOHN SORENSON HE MIGHT BE GAY MAN LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY. JOHN SORENSON FORGET SPIRITS AND IS LOOK AT PRO-NOGRAPHY. JOHN SORENSON IS VERY
BAD MAN HE IS ALL LIES".
December 20, 2005
What follows has been approved by the Church Correlation Committee:
Day 1
Participants will arrive in the evening at a recreation of old Palmyra. They will be divided into Smith families, with the adult leaders
taking the role of Joseph and Emma and the youth receiving slips containing the names of Joseph's early followers.
After a traditional dutch oven dinner, they will be led to a tent, where they will experience a genuine "burnt-over district" revival. But
be warned: the spiritually sensitive may want to skip this part, as the screaming and writhing may be disconcerting. Rest assured that
each young man and young woman will leave better understanding why Joseph was confused about religion.
Day 2
This will be a special morning, as each Smith family will be taken to a grove of trees, where they will witness the First Vision as it
really happened. Youth leaders must be sure to check which version they want to see: the traditional two-Godhead-member version, the one
with "the Lord," or the one with numerous concourses of angels (note that this involves extra cost, as actors must be brought in). Those
desiring more historical accuracy may check the "no First Vision" box and will instead hear an actor recite some of Joseph's fantastic
tales of Indian warfare.
After a wholesome lunch, the youth will hike to Old Kirtland, where they will learn about Joseph's visions there. They will experience his
financial acumen by investing all their available cash in a recreation of the Kirtland anti-Banking Society (leaders should be aware that
the money will not be returned). One young man in the group, who has Sidney Rigdon's name slip, will experience firsthand being beaten and tarred and feathered. Not to be left out, one young woman, who carries the name of Fanny Alger will get some quality time with Joseph in the barn and then be pushed down the stairs by Emma.
The evening will be spent discovering the faith of the Colesville saints. Like these faithful saints, the youth will sleep in squalor
outside, with no shelter.
Day 3
The youth will hike to a recreated Missouri, where they will spend the morning building a city and fighting off mob attacks (additional
costs may accrue). Short speeches will encourage the youth to take vengeance on the mobs and to rid themselves of "dissenters." An actor
representing Sidney Rigdon will warn any youth that are wavering that they will be as salt that has lost its savor, to be trodden under foot. He will encourage them to "depart, or a more fatal calamity shall befall you."
After a short lunch, they will re-enact the Battle of Crooked River by attacking a state militia company. They will spend most of the
afternoon in a dark cell in "Liberty Jail," where they will begin to understand the injustice heaped on Joseph. Before dinner, each
family will attempt a daring escape to join the rest of the group in "Nauvoo," a swampy area in the northern part of the
property (be aware that it may be wet, and no mosquito repellent is allowed, in the name of accuracy). Those who fail to
escape will spend the night in Liberty Jail, with no food or water.
Day 4
At Nauvoo, they will work in shifts at a limestone quarry, busily cutting stone for the great temple. The youth will learn some of
the wonderful restored doctrines of the Nauvoo period, including baptism for the dead, temple work, and celestial marriage.
A workshop in Egyptian translation will be taught by Brant Nibley-Petersen, using Joseph's Egyptian alphabet and grammar (parents should
understand that the class is not accredited). They will learn such inspiring words as "raukeeyang," "oliblish," and "Enish-go-on dosh"
and principles of Abrahamic physics, such as where the sun borrows its light from.
While the young women are having this marvelous experience, the young men will learn about the early endowment. They will
learn about masonic signs and tokens and of course the penalties of instant death for those who reveal the sacred secrets. They
will be instructed as to how to use their newfound knowledge to curb dissension in their home wards through a system of "Gordon's
Danites." Bishops may want to explain this program to any wavering ward members.
Before boarding the bus for home, each young man and young woman will have an opportunity to share testimony of the greatness of our beloved
prophet, Joseph Smith. Leaders should discourage expressions of love and devotion for the Savior, as this really is not the time or
place for that. It might detract from the spirit of the trek.
December 18, 2005
Spokesperson Carri Onn-Lyon said that although some students might consider this requirement to be a hardship, every effort is being made to make the transition as painless as possible. "Those students who cannot afford the new hat will be able to take out a low-interest loan from the church's Perpetual Education Fund. We realize that this may mean that some low-income students in Third World countries will have to postpone their educations, but this new hat is really important. This counsel came straight from the prophet."
ASBYU President Kenny B. Morgullible, when informed of the change, immediately rushed to the Bookstore to purchase his hat as an example to the rest of the students. "It's really exciting to be able to follow the prophet's inspired counsel. Since putting on the hat, I've noticed that I feel more in tune with the spirit. My fiancee says that she hasn't felt so uplifted since she took out her second set of earrings."
Apostle David Bednar, in a devotional later in the day, looked out over the vast audience in the Marriott Center and
intoned, "What a marvelous sight to look out and see those who of you who have heeded the prophet's counsel and donned the hat as a
symbol of your righteous commitment. What better way to come unto Christ than to put on the hat? It's inspiring.
Reaction across campus was varied. Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor Daniel Midgley-Welch suggested that the hat reflected the gospel heritage. "In design, the hat is similar to a Mayan headdress representing Quetzalcoatl, reminding us that Jesus was the feathered serpent. The pointy hat is generally associated with the word 'moron,' which of course is one of the ancient lands mentioned in the Book of Mormon. And of course we know that Joseph translated using a hat. So we see that the hat is conclusive evidence of the Limited Geography Theory and reveals Joseph Smith's prophetic power. How else could he have known that obscure Mayan mythology would one day surface in a hat worn at BYU? He would have had to have been a genius or have had great libraries of learning at his disposal to make such a bold connection. Can anyone doubt now?"
Many students seemed bewildered. "Dude, am I like supposed to wear this to bed?" said junior Josh Hanson of Newport Beach, California, as he modeled one in the Bookstore mirror. "I hope not. I've had enough trouble getting my wife to take her garments off."
Most were philosophical. "It makes it hard to see in class, and especially hard to drive, but nothing is too great a sacrifice for the Lord," said Leslie P. Stone of Cle Ellum, Washington.
Word circulated across campus of 18-year-old freshman Jed Clinton, who was severely burned in a car accident. He received 3rd-degree burns over his entire body, except for the area covered by the hat. "God protects those who follow the prophet," said his mother, Leora, in the burn unit at Utah Valley Hospital, where her son later died of his injuries.
In a statement, the First Presidency expressed gratitude at the compliance of the student body, while at the same time denying that the change was related to the church's recent acquisition of a peacock farm and hat factory in Guatemala.
The hats are available exclusively at the BYU Bookstore and at the Crossroads Mall in Salt Lake City. The basic hat costs $149.50, while the deluxe version is $249.50.
Official LDS church spokesman Tariq Aziz Turley responded to critics by claiming that "what the anti-Mormons are NOT telling you is that it is a proven fact that Joseph was born in December, whereas no one knows when Jesus was born. So if anyone's birth deserves to be celebrated in December, it's Joseph's".
"I GOING TO FOR VERY GREAT SUCCESS", said Goebbels in a staccatoed, Iraqi-accented, high tenor voice. "CHURCH IS TRUE THERE IS
NO QUESTION. CHURCH IS FASTEST GROWING CHURCH IN WORLD. IS STONE CUT OUT OF MOUNTAIN. ANTI-MORMON INFIDEL THEY ARE NOT PREVAIL.
ONWARD UPWARD".
"We think he is going to be just perfect in this role", said Garloy P. Hendricks, director of LDS research groups FARMS. "The
'fact-mongers' and self-styled 'logicians' - I'm talking about all the anti-Mormons - are arrayed against us as never before. We need
someone with Goebbel's ability to say or do whatever it takes to combat them. And what Tariq may currently still lack in
information and ability to express clearly, he makes up for in imagination, commitment, and what Dr. Peterson likes to call 'the
nastiness gene'. We therefore have every reason to believe that FARMS and Tariq will enjoy a long and fruitful relationship".
The youth will spend the remainder of the morning learning by doing the translation process. They will each be given the opportunity to
translate a portion of Goethe's Faust by placing a small stone in a hat. Game time will follow, and the youth will have fun playing "Guess
which box has the plates and which is full of sand" and "Who can get a gullible farmer to fork over $3,000?". The remainder of the morning
will be spent digging for a silver mine at Joseph's direction. Each youth must bring $20 to pay for the digging experience.
After a lunch in the Nauvoo House (the bar will be closed), the youth will be separated into two groups. Each young woman will be
called upon to meet with Joseph alone in a small locked room, where he will explain the principles of plural marriage and tell
her that her eternal salvation depends on her having sex with him. Groups may pay extra for an angel with a flaming sword to
appear and threaten both Joseph and the young women. Those who heed the prophet's entreaties will receive a special "Young
Women Are Excellent" medallion. Leaders may want to counsel with the young women afterwards, as they may find this experience
spiritually overwhelming.
Those of you not yet
wearing the hat need to repent, for your bare head is a symbol of your bald-faced rebellion against God. Of course, it goes without
saying that if you are dating someone who won't wear the hat, it's time to find a different companion."
Other students were more enthusiastic. Heather Underfoot, a sophomore from Lakeshore, Utah, enthusiastically displayed an accessory she had added. "I'm treating my hat as sacred, just like my garments. So I've added a slender chain that attaches the hat to the tag on my garment top, so I'll never be without either source of protection."