Go up to bear your testimony and tell the story about the prophet (Elizja??) whom the little children made fun of for being bald and how he had the lord send a bear to tear the children apart. Then without explanation say "I know dis church is twooo" and sit down.
In the foyer, after church, go around shaking peoples hand and giving them the "sure sign of the nail".
Sew a nice miniskirt out of the material used to make the green temple apron. Make it real nice and professional Then find a nice matching top and then go to church like that. Act totally innocent. If anybody asks, just say you made it out of some "material" you found at your grandma's house. - by Peep Stoner
Sing the hymns VERY loudly, and VERY off-key, and about four notes behind everyone else.
When the bishop is sustaining someone to a calling, wait until he is done, raise your hand and ask "What was the question again?"
While the sacrament is being passed, walk up to the front of the chapel with a rolled-up copy of the Ensign saying "I know I saw a fly up here". - by D. P. Gumby
In the middle of an average testimony. Tell how amazing it was that your new name in the temple was Joshua because, well your Grampa's name was Joshua. Neat Huh. Start to cry.
Give a ltalk or testimony wherein you say you have been searching all your life to get the burning in the bosom. Tell everyone that you finally got it after hearing an amazing story which you know to be true: Proceed to tell some version of that old vanishing hitchhiker story. Cry a lot during this.
Refuse the sacrament by saying in rather loud voice: no thanks I not hungry. - by Rationalis
Wear some huge, funky Elton John-looking glasses to church and say they're facsimiles of the Urim and Thummim.
Wear a Fawn Brodie Rules! t-shirt to Relief Society.
For a special Primary program, teach the children to goose-step into sacrament meeting while giving the Nazi salute and singing Tomorrow Belongs to Me. - by Oh my heck!
Act like a vocal Baptist, yelling "Hallellulah!" and "Amen, Jesus!" anytime the speaker quotes scripture.
Tell your neighbor you think your garments are giving you a wedgie.
Speak in tongues.
Go into the bathroom when someone is in the stall and chant "Pay Lay Ale" in a spooky voice. - by oxbow
When a small child starts crying during the middle of Sacrament meeting and the parents ignore the noise, stand up and scream at the top of your lungs: "Take that god-damned brat out of here right now!"
Bring a beach ball and toss it back and forth across the pews with a friend.
When someone is giving a public prayer, say "Amen" after each sentence like they do in Pentacostal churches..."Dear Heavenly Father We thank thee for this day [AMEN!] and for the moisture we received last night [AMEN!], and we ask thee to bless us to go home in safety [Oh yeah, AMEN!], and let our green jell-o nourish and strengthen our bodies [AMEN!]....yada yada... - by Brandnewtatoo
Do these only at a ward where you aren't known
Show up in a t-shirt and shorts, and go up and sit on the stand right behind the bishop.
When you come in, ask the greeter if they have a smoking section.
Ask everyone you see "Where do I sign up to get another wife?" - by D. P. Gumby
Sneak into church early and substitute gin for water in the sacrament cups.
Bear your testimony about how guilty you felt after your wife gave you that wild blow job while you were watching porno movies together. Cry while giving intimate details and tell of your repentance process and how you went without sex for ten whole days, but that you slipped a couple times and masturbated to fantasies of the bishop's wife.
When the bishop asks you to sustain a member in a new calling, ask the guy next to you [loud enough for the whole church to hear] "Who the fuck is that? Didn't he just get out of prison?" - by OKtoo
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!" - by Bart Simpson
Leave a unwrapped PayDay bar floating in the temple baptismal font.
STAND UP FOR WHAT’S RIGHT! LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD! STOP THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MOCKING OUR SACRED BELIEFS!
The following text is from an article in San Francisco’s weekly newspaper The Bay Area Press-Gazette:
|
DEPUTY MAYOR AND CITY OFFICIALS CONDUCT DOZENS OF PROXY GAY MARRIAGES FOR MORMON LEADERS
SAN FRANCISCO – After conducting thousands of gay marriages over a period of just a few weeks, some city officials here became fed up with what they considered an ignorant and intolerant religious backlash against the city and the gay community. They found a creative way to fight back, mixing some humor into their official capacities in the city government. Deputy Mayor Curtis Johnson and City Council member Phoebe Burton decided to make gay marriage available to all the religious people who oppose it, particularly the Mormons. They performed dozens of proxy gay marriages at City Hall last week on behalf of Mormon leaders, both living and dead, with local gay volunteers standing in as the happy couples. Church founder Joseph Smith was married to early leader Heber C. Kimball. Brigham Young was married to Porter Rockwell. Current Mormon President Gordon Hinckley was married to sports figure Danny Ainge, and Mormon Apostle Boyd Packer was married to Donny Osmond. U.S. Senator Orrin Hatch was married to serial killer Ted Bundy. There were dozens more, and the proxy couples kissed passionately each time they were pronounced "spouses for life." According to Deputy Mayor Johnson, the Mormons were singled out because of their active support of the anti-gay Proposition 22 or Knight Initiative in 2000, and because they practice marrying people by proxy as part of their own beliefs. “The Mormons were begging for this,” said Deputy Mayor Johnson in a statement to reporters. “No other group comes close when it comes to preaching hate and intolerance toward their gay brothers and sisters. And since they think it’s OK to perform rituals for people who aren’t there to speak for themselves, I can’t see how they can complain if we do the same thing.” Council member Burton added, “We used the names of a lot of church leaders and famous Mormons, but we decided not to include Steve Young, as he is popular in this city.” |
This despicable action makes a mockery of city government, of marriage, and of our sacred beliefs and ordinances. The enemies of righteousness have hit a new low. The family is truly under attack, but we don’t have to stand for it! Let’s stand up and be counted, and remind these people that this is ONE NATION UNDER GOD! Send a letter or an email or make a phone call to the mayor’s office in San Francisco, express your outrage at this attack on our people, and demand the resignations of Deputy Mayor Curtis Johnson and City Council member Phoebe Burton (who is gay, by the way).
Mayor Gavin Newsom
City Hall, Room 200
1 Dr. Carlton B. Goodlett Place
San Francisco, CA 94102
Telephone: (415) 554-6141
Fax: (415) 554-6160
Email: gavin.newsom@sfgov.org
We know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. Don’t let it be mocked, don't let us be mocked, and don't let God be mocked. Share this message with everyone you know who loves righteousness!
End of e-mail hoax.
Personally, I think some Mormons ought to start doing what some Catholics do--take the Sacrament/communion (don't stay for any talking afterward), then head straight out the door. That would make a statement. - 09/08/2003 - catholic girl
Somehow contrive to get an extremely voluptuous, very generously endowed young women into the pages of PLAYBOY magazine, dressed only in a set of "garmies" about 5 sizes too small...maybe a "girls of Utah" or "girls of BYU" spread.... - 09/05/2003 - anon
Next fast and testimony sunday, go to church and get up to bear your testimoney and right in the middle state that a female that you know has started working as a prostitute and you are greatly upset by this.
After the gasps have stopped, go on to state that all the women who work in adult entertainment and prostitution in your area need to have a special hand reached out to them. Recommend that all the members of the bisoPRICK and elders quorum visit the local strip clubs and hooker points every Saturday night to invite the working girls to church on sunday morning.
Don't forget to mention that 10% is a suitable tip/
You know, considering that Playboy Magazine actually has some literary merit...as do a few educational articles in my copy of BYU magazine...which I never ordered or pay for...sooo...to *get even* with my Mo relatives who waste their money sending me The Ensign, which has no literary merit whatsoever, I ask my brethren and sistren--should I order Playboy for them?
This is the first time that I've felt compelled to admit my plan :-)
I'm headed back to church after 3 long years! I've come to the conclusion that I really need what the church offers. I want to feel the spirit that comes from weekly church attendance. I miss the feeling that you get in the temple. I miss is so much that I can hardly wait the 9 months that it will take of regular attendance to get my recommend back.
Wait - you'll understand in a minute.
The weekend that I get my temple ticket my boyfriend and I are headed to the temple together. Now, mind you he has never been a mormon, but I've taught him all the signs and tokens. I've taught him how to act, what to say, what NOT to say. We've listened to the whole temple ceremony on the internet and I've shown him everything he needs to know. Of course, I'll be sitting right next to him holding his hand the whole time. He has a set a garmies and we'll rent him his set of temple clothes (that we will probably steal). Then I'll pick pocket my brother's temple recommend and off we go! I really can't wait. The only problem is that 9 months of weekly shit!
I also have a micro (pen) camera and we're going to take pictures of him in the temple all dolled up. What a hoot!
The best part is that now the passes are good for 2 years! I won't have to go back to church for a while :-)
I'll return and report our labors of the 271st day.
Introducing several dozen rats into the local Ward or Stake building via the mail slot would be interesting. But why limit yourself? I'm guessing most Old Testament plagues would fit conveniently in the slot; toads, snakes, locust, etc. - 03/26/2003 - anon
Take all the copies of "No Man Knows My History" out of the Christian section of your local bookstore and distribute them on the shelves of the LDS section. - 03/26/2003 - anon
I love it when the missonaries drop by. I offer them some "herbal tea" without the caffine. After they drink some I tell them I am a Rastafarian and need to pray before we can talk. I then pull out a bong take a really big hit, and say lets talk. - 03/26/2003 - anon
I enjoy your web site and use your information whenever some unfortunate LDS missionary comes knocking at my door. May I suggest having some fun?
For years now the LDS have been inflicting their religious hoax upon us. I suggest that it is time to return the favour. In the spirit of the the "Kinderhook Plates", let's make up a new set of "golden plates" and "discover" them in some remote corner of the world. We could then create a whole new legend about God leaving golden plates all over the world. Imagine a new religion based (for example) in the Australian Outback of the "Latter Yet Day Saints". We could do the LDS one better by proudly displaying this new "Holy Relic". in a new temple or even a museum.
Imagine the horror of the LDS missionaries trying to compete against the Australian LYDS missionaries. (or better yet the Chinese MMLDS - Much More Latter Day Saints, assuming that the Chinese plates are newer) Does anyone have the time or money for such an endeavour?
Making a fake temple recommend... Now this is the kind of effort we need to get back in the game of dishonesty. We can never compete with the church if all we do is promote truth.
Here are a few suggestions of deceit, and perhaps you can add more:
Exmos should be called on missions, faking belief and activity, planting seeds of doubt in the minds of the members. It would be fun to do some hidden camera stuff, then display it on the internet (temple, bishop interviews, etc). And while we're active, how about bearing testimony of bogus visions or healings we've done. Make it totally absurd, and see how many people will fall for it.
It might also be fun to make up so many 'faith-promoting rumors' that eventually the members start to doubt them all. Maybe spread them around the internet.
How about sending in bogus names for temple work. Clog up the system, and make people feel like they're falling further behind. Does anybody really verify the sources of the names?
Maybe there are better ideas than these, but I'm just trying to get us in the spirit of this great work. We've got to match those who would lie for the lord and for our supposed good.
This kind of stuff works alot better than blatantly sharing truth. Remember, truth hurts when told directly. We have to lie to show people truth.
04/01/2001 - jack bitner - madcapman@yahoo.com
An idea for an april fools joke. What if, say the SL tribune, published an
article in the paper which stated that Kolob will be visible through a
telescope tonight for the first time in 32 years. Then make up a bunch of
FARMSesque crap about orbits and about Kolob being behind the sun for 32
years, and just now it will be visible. Then interview "astronomers" who
point out the best way to see kolob, where to look, and maybe a little
diagram. If the Trib were to publish a story like that, how many gullable
LDS would be out on their lawns or rooftops that night claiming to see
"Kolob" through their binocualrs or telescope? Kids all staring at the
sky in amazement...I can just imagine it...then the rest of the world will
catch word of this little joke and be laughing their assess off.
12/06/2000 - Oi
How about some pavlovian training. Feed the birds near the BYU football stadium, and blow a whistle every time. Soon the birds shall amass and crap everywhere whenever the referee blows the whistle!
10/14/2000 - Martin Lutheran
Nail my new, "95 Thesis, The Mormon Edition" to the front door of your local ward. (Will 95 cover it?)
10/04/2000 - L. Snell, Sacramento, CA
Go into Mormon chatrooms and explain the temple rituals,
including the tokens, in detail. This is most fun with a
partner.
Insist on using offensive screennames while chatting politely in Mormon chat rooms. Act surprised and offended when you are chided for your name. A few examples I have used are: Josfs Myth CASH4TOKNS Tokns4$ Helaman6:22 HeavenlyMom OthrGospl XTemplLDS
Go in Mormon Chatrooms, being really nice and boring. OUTSIDE of the chatroom, IM everyone in the room a link to the Recovery From Mormonism website. I've done this, too
I did THIS one, too: Go to your local library, check out all the Mormon books you can find, both pro and con, and write the Veilworker's homepage website address in PEN right smack dab in the middle of them.
Here is one that I honestly can say I DID!!! Wad up your old garmies and place them lovingly next to a can of PLEDGE in your living room window, bay window, or sliding glass door (I left mine in the living room window with a can of Pledge for about 2 months).
Oh yeah, one more. SOMEONE REALLY SHOULD DO THIS ONE. Tye-dye your garmies, then wear them (and little else) to the GAY DAY PARADE.
Oh, I've thought about this many, many times. How I WISH I had saved my temple recommend, which still had 2 full months on it, along with my temple garments, dress, etc. My fantasy is that I send someone else (a reporter, for example, or a prostitute) in my stead to the Oakland temple.
09/04/2000 - anon
I think it would be a lot of fun if a person could bear to
go to church like a "good Mormon" for about six months,
really shining it on with the bishop, stake presidency, etc.
, then when it was time for them to "renew" their Recommend,
to REALLY give the Bishop an earful -- OH! Does performing
ritual orgies with Satanists mean I've been consorting with
people not conducive to church doctrine? All the oral and
anal sex I've been having with bears isn't fulfulling the
law of chastity? NOBODY ever said ANYTHING about bears, or
orgies....YES I've been paying my tithing -- I give a
couple bushels of rice and three chickens every week!
How long do you think these folks would continue to take you seriously? Actually, I think somebody in the Waikiki singles ward (which I used to be a member of) actually did this once: this mother and her daughter would come to church pretty much dressed like gypsies every sunday, but everybody was really kind about it ("they're just DIFFERENT..."), but I was just outside the Bishop's office on the day they were supposed to be getting Temple Recommends & the guy came out of the office like he'd been shot and stage-whispered to my friend and I (who were waiting in the hall for OUR Recommend interview) "Call 911: these women are crazy and I think they're armed!"
I also think introducing several dozen rats into the local Ward or Stake building through a convenient mail slot would be interesting...
06/12/2000 - Helen
I think it would be fun to pick a worthy victim (maybe a loathsome bishop or other church royalty), and t.p. their front yard with used garments. We could dye them pink or yellow first. Helen
02/02/2000 - Sam
Follow these steps:
1. Choose some of the prim and proper types in your ward.
2. Put their names on individual envelopes to be sealed
with an invitation inside ( for details, keep reading ).
3. Place sealed envelopes in a box with a note to the
ward usher, asking him/her to give them out to the people
involved as they enter Sacrament meeting - place box by
chapel door.
4.Invitation reads as follows:
YOU ARE INVITED TO A SPECIAL FIRESIDE!
MAIN SPEAKER : FAN-DANCE FANNY, THE FROWSY NIGHTCLUB
QUEEN.
TOPIC: `IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT!'
02/01/2000 - cricket
How about sneaking about 50 seagulls and about 5 million crickets into
general conference. Release the crickets and then about ten minutes later
release the seagulls and see if a miracle happens again.
Get two or three hundred folks brave enough or who have enough time to waste and head on down to Saturday afternoon's session of general conference. When it's time to sustain the brethren, everyone in unison stands up and screams "NO - Just say NO!"