Silly Sealings and Holy Horrors

The brethren got carried away with their keys to the "holy sealing power" in the Nauvoo days. They were sealing and adopting themselves to each other, to lots of women and to Biblical characters. They were sealing horses, cows and pigs to themselves, their wives and children. Wagons, tools, homes and all manner of precious things were all being sealed up. Latter Day Lampoon has discovered additional sealings, adoptions, crosses and connections and is posting them for the world to witness. In case you ever wondered what happens when two or more entities get crossed or sealed to each other by the power of God by mistake.....well, just read on.

Just complete this sentence with the subjects below. What do you get when you cross/seal ________with __________?

If Mormons can baptise dead Jews, why can't Jews circumcise dead Mormons?

After a Mormon has been dead for thirteen years, they can have a Barmitzvah for the dead too.

p.s. Any volunteers for circumcision by proxy? - 04/22/2004 - from Nephihaha

William H Macey and Gordon B. Hinckley - Macy GRAY.

Dallin Oaks and Pamela Anderson - BEECHwatch.

A lemming and a native American - a Lemmingite.

Donny Osmond & Monty Python's parrot - a dead testimony - 09/14/2003 - from Nephihaha

I think the temple and all its associated rigamarole is just as ridiculous as everyone else who's commented here thinks it is. But I can't believe no one else has picked up on this point before. Guess none of you are Celtophiles!

Yes, the men's temple headgear resembles a baker's hat, BUT, remember that all the temple ceremonial was cribbed from Freemasonry. In particular, it was taken from Scottish Rite Freemasonry. Sooooooo, use your imagination. The hat is simply a lame, very low-quality copy of a Tam O'Shanter (or, more properly, a Balmoral Bonnet).

Hmmm. So, the temple endowment is a "restoration" of things from ancient Israel??? OH, REALLY! Then why are the male participants arrayed like 1800's Highlanders in their bonnets and green fig-leaf kilt-aprons?

It is so cathartic to read others' experiences. I too feel so let down by the "wonders" of the temple. My husband is a TBM (True Believing Mormon), and I pretend to be, but it is hard to pretend when I can't STAND what is supposed to be the epitome of Mormonism. Anyway, I have always wondered and fantasized about doing one of these things in there.

1. raising my hand when they say is anyone not ready to proceed (or whatever the heck they say at the beginning)

2. REFUSING to put the veil over my face. What would they do? Handcuff and lead me out? Dig thru my belongings and get my recommend?

3. Tapping the hammer three times, then just blazing through the veil Makes me smile just to think about doing it!!!!

Joseph Smith with Ed Decker? A righteous prick. - 02/27/2003 - anon

A famous science fiction author and a General Authority = J.R.R. Token - 07/20/2002 - Isaac Asimov

Toll gate employee and poster board = Stand Outside The Temple Grounds with a large sign that reads... "NEED TOKENS" - 07/20/2002

Visitor from a foreign planet who accidentally winds up in the temple? A: "The Extra-Celestial" - 05/04/2002 - anon

Good hash brownies on Elohim's home world = Getting High to Kolob - 04/13/2002 - Sister Mary Whanna

Gordon B. Hinckley and a water cooler=Gordon B. Hinckley & Schmidt - 01/29/2002 - anon

An Osmond with the Pope...Domoni Osmand - 05/20/2001 - anon

BYU Police with a customized military vehicle from a 1960's TV adventure show - "DeseRAT Patrol" - 10/19/2000 - anon

What do you get when you cross a pompous, bloated jack-ass with an under-educated, overly made-up breeding female? Eternal bliss. (Ignorance is bliss). - 10/05/2000 - L. Snell, Sacramento, CA

A selfrighteous True Believing Morman (TBM> woman with a McCaulay Culkin movie = Molly Alone

Orrin Hatch with Stephen King = Holy Horror

A Triple Concordance with an outdoor latrine = finally! A use for word of gawd. - 09/20/2000 - R.T.P.

It is a historical fact that Joseph Smith had a young Black woman sealed to him, not as a wife and not as a daughter, but as his servant. What a concept: Eternal Slavery!

If any of you out there really can not imagine this Black slave woman waiting on an exalted Joseph Smith forever in the exsistance beyond this life, then how can we be so damn certain about our own marriage and sealing for time and all eternity? I am an active Mormon and things like this bug the hell out of me. Cows and pigs, a little bit wierd but I can handle it. Slaves? - 04/24/2000 - anon

LDS President Hinckley with The Scottish Highland Festival: "Clan Gordon" - 01/24/2000 - Brigham Smith

What do you get when you cross the Masons with the Mormons?
The Great, Grand, and Illustrious Salt Lake Lodge of the Utah Rite. - 01/15/2000 - anon

What do you get when you cross the Angel Moroni with an all-night diner?
The Golden Plate Special - 01/10/2000 - Brigham Smith

President Hinckley with the oldest and most famous Eyptian statue and an anus? The Sphinxter.

a dog with a Joseph Smith = a golden retriever

a Paul H. Dunn with a Boyd K Packer = "Fudge Packer"

a Seagull with Mark Hoffman = a jailbird

the National Rifle Association with the top Mormon multi-level marketer = Gordon B. Heston or Charlton B. Hinckley

the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the Twerling Dervishes = The Spinners

Gladys Knigt with The Hammer = Sister Sledge

Gasoline and Gordon Hinckley with a lit cigarette = Flash Gordon

a healthy stone and a sherpa with Senator Hatch = Orrin Porter Rockwell

Bill Gates with Gordon B. Hinckley = Microsaint Corporation

Stephen King with Joseph Smith = The Scammower Man or The Law Move Over Man

Spanish flies and Viagra with twelve Nigerians = The Swarm of the Twelve Aphrodisiacs

Gordon B. Hinckley with a King Cobra: a prophet that speaks in "forked" tongues

a lemming, penguin and funny undies with a Book of Mormon = a mormon missionary

Howard Stern with J. Golden Kimball = one righteous asshole

Microsoft with the mormom church = Windows1800 - Lise 07/20/1999