by Phoenix Rising and others from Recovery from Mormonism
All (singing): "Hold to the rod, and we will give you succor..." - 03/24/2009 - esias
Joseph Smith has come back in his true form!!! The almighty Penis! - 12/15/2008 - smokedragon
Now they bring in the grand penis........16 yrs too late for there secret sexamonies in the temple....mmmmmm maybe they will remember me and let me back in - 12/12/2008 - want back in now
In exciting Mormon news today President Hinckley announces that the B.Y.U. archaeological department found the legendary lost Ark of the Covenant in Central American ruins earlier this month. Hinckley proudly told the media, "the Ark was brought across the ocean by Father Lehi and this proves the church is True once and for all!"
The apostles had a sacred and holy ritual cleaning in the baptismal font and moved it for display in the Temple Square Vistor's Center. The Ark of the Covenant will be shown to the general public for 12 months and then will be taken to its place of honor in the Temple where it will only be viewed by righteous temple recommend holders.
Farms apologist Daniel Peterson gushed, "I told you the limited geography theory was correct all along." - 04/23/2006 - Phoenix Rising
A recent news release claims the Mormon church has located the legendary Ark of the Covenant. President Hinckley joyously remarked, "I TOLD you the church was true! This proves it once and for all." After a thorough washing in the baptismal font it will be placed in the Salt Lake visitors center for public display. Admission fee will be $10.00 for adults, $5.00 for children under 10, and $8.00 for seniors and students. - 04/23/2006 - Phoenix Rising
Trying not to giggle, the Big Three carry a giant cake to the upper room of the temple to the bachelor party being held for Elder Nelson. - 04/22/2006 - NumLock
Losing a bet to the General Relief Society Presidency is never a good thing! - 04/22/2006 - NumLock
Annually the brethren join together in the temples inner sanctum and engage in one of the holiest of holies the "Praise to The Man" ritual. It reminds them to put the penis on the pedestal and keep it there.
Washing and anointing ceremonies are done for, and on behalf of, the True Mormon God "Joseph's Mighty Penis". It will be washed until it is clean every whit and lubricated with a holy annointing of oil.
The "Penis on the Pedestal" ritual is a sacred ordinance whereby the Apostles gather together and foist the penis upon the pedestal while chanting the words, Pay, Lay, Ale in unison three times, which is the ancient pure Adamic tongue meaning, Hip, Hip Hooray! This precedes a sacred covenant to never allow women to have equality of priesthood rights unless legally bound to do so by a court injunction. The evening is followed by cake and ice cream in the temple cafeteria, which is catered by the sister temple workers.
Just in time for the St. Patricks Day Parade the apostles get together to organize a float contribution. It will be sprayed green for the parade and primary children will hand out green Jell-o to all on the parade route.
It was decided that since Smith's genealogy hails from Great Britain it was good PR to put his float in the parade. The float contribution is entitled: "St. Patty may be big but our Joseph is even bigger."
For the Rose Bowl parade it will be covered with lovely pink roses and the sisters from 4th Ward will shower the crowd with flower petals while reminding them that polygamy is NOT practiced by the saints anymore and anyone found practicing it will be excommunicated - until the afterlife - then God is the law maker and polygamy is back in action baby!
After parade season is over it will be set in the middle of the temple baptismal font as a water ornament surrounded by floating candles. - 04/16/2006 by Phoenix Rising
Hinckley: Boyd! Keep your hand off the Ark of the Penis, for behold the Lord saith, "He who reacheth out to steady the Ark shalt surely be smitten."
Monson: No Boyd! We're not going to name this "The Ark of Your Little Factory."
Packer: I don't care what Gordy and Tommy say, "I'd like to see my little factory in the Macey's Day Parade blown up as big as the Hindenberg. - 04/16/2006 - Jeffrey Holland
Monson: Forget the consecrated oil, Viagra is the answer to my prayers! - 04/16/2006 - Dallin Oaks
Monson: How much money did we spend on this clone of Joseph? Hinckley: Only 2 million. I found the company on the internet. Isn't it marvelous? Boyd: Brethren, I don't want to alarm you but I think his factory is getting ready to deliver a load. - 04/156/2006 - anon
Monson: President Hinckley, your revelation to make a statue commemorating our great PenisHolder is fantastic! Who says you don't have revelations. Where should we put it?
Packer : In front of the Church History Building. It's the perfect place to display this little factory.
Hinckley: No, I'm a professional when it comes to Mormon P.R. and downplaying our history. We do NOT want this to link us with polygamy, we want it to be linked to the royal PenishHood heritage of our beloved Joseph.
Packer: I'll take care of it. You may be the professional in hiding information and P.R. but I'm the professional when it comes to what to do with a factory. - 04/16/2006 - Phoenix Rising
Hinckley: Packer, I still think that placing this in the middle of the prayer circle isn't a good idea for a new temple ritual.
Packer: It will remind them to honor the melchizedick penishood and reverence the great factory of our founder Joseph Smith. To be upright, so to speak, before the lord.
As a sign and token they will hold their factory tightly with the left hand while chanting "Praise to the PenisHood" and with the right index finger pointed firmly as if it were a sharp knife they will bring their finger down in a castrating movement while saying, "rather than forsaking my holy penishood I would suffer my penis too be taken."
Monson: Sure it's a good idea Packer, but just remember, I'M next in line NOT you!
Hinckley: Boyd, we're supposed to reducing the amount of threatening rituals not increasing them. - 04/16/2006 - Phoenix Rising
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