original photo courtesy of KC
Title: The church cannot escape the reach of the Internet
Teaching Elder: I'm sure glad there is no internet connection out here in the bush or we'd never have any baptisms.
Listening elder: Who needs the internet for porn when all the women here run around in the nude?
Dark Skinned man: These guys are such dumbshits! I've already visited www.exmormon.org on my PDA cellphone! - 08/21/2005 - anon
Title: The true fate of Elders Nielson and Payne
Teacher: This is pointless. Hell, he doesn't even have white skin.
Listening elder: God I hate myself.
Dark Skinned man: You gonna be my bitches. Yeah, da' both a'you gonna be my white bitches. - 04/20/2005 - Celtic_jrg
Teaching elder: See, the priesthood holders wear white shirts. You'll have to wear white shirts too if you want to pass the sacrament. - March 2004 - anon
Title: The spirit was so strong during the discussion the elders failed to realize a hurricane had blown away the investigators house. Good thing they were wearing their G's!
Dark Skinned Man: Hey, where's my house?
Listening Elder: Yea, like that line ever works!
Teaching Elder: WILL you be baptized!? - 12/25/2004 - anon
Title: Elder Jones becomes desperate
Dark Skinned Man: Moron!
Listening Elder: Zzzzzzz
Teaching Elder: If you join now, we'll change your DNA so you're Jewish. - 12/25/2004 - Jason The Mason
Title: Thrill of the mission field - Fire Island
Dark Skinned man: I just love it when the fresh meat shows up.
Listening elder: Why in God's name is this Lamanite looking at me this way?
Teaching elder: As senior elder, thank God, I finally get to be on top. - March 2004 - by cactus man
Title: Thou shalt not covet - Penishood Envy
Dark Skinned man: Did he just fart?
Listening elder: Look at the size of... cursed? I don't think so. I wish I was so cursed!
Teaching elder: See, the priesthood holders wear white shirts. You'll have to wear white shirts too if you want to pass the sacrament. - March 2004 - anon
Title: Elders King and Richards proseltyze the local nudist colony.
Dark Skinned man: The guys back at the clubhouse will get a big laugh out of this story.
Listening elder: Maybe if I lean over like this my erection will be less visible?
Teaching elder: My God, look at the size of his johnson! - March 2004 - anon
Title: Lesson One - Always talk down to the investigator
Dark Skinned man: I have a Ph. D. from Cambridge in Anthropology you dumb shit.
Listening elder: Those topless chicks have given me a raging woody.
Teaching elder: They built their ships tight like unto a dish and used magic stones for light. - Feb 2004 - anon
Title: Elder Jones explains the law of tithing
Dark Skinned man: I'm going to cut your throats when you go to sleep Elders.
Listening elder: .. and that sir, is why even if you are in deep poverty, you must still honestly tithe.
Teaching elder: That's right Elder Johnson. To add to that, if you don't tithe, God will deep fry your heathen ass in hell! - Feb 2004 - Matthew
Title: Elder Factmonger screws up another discussion
Dark Skinned man: I see white, but I sure as hell don't see delightsome.
Listening elder: Whoa! No way, I did not know that.
Teaching elder: Yep, this is an artists depiction of the third of fourth version of the First Vision. - Feb 2004 - Perry Noid
Title: Pay Lay Ale
Dark Skinned man: Zzzzzzzzzz
Listening elder: Can we go Elder? I'm so bored.
Teaching elder: Hey, shut up! I'm not finished with him. Okay, if you dress up in our wonderful garments, pay your tithing and come to our Church, you're going to have a way to heaven. - Feb 2004 - Elder Girl
Title: Elder Smith explains the "Curse of Cain Doctrine" while his companion admires the scenery
Dark Skinned man: What a dumb shit!
Listening elder: See, in the war in heaven you were standing on the sidelines.
Teaching elder: Whoa! That chick doesn't have any clothes on. - Feb 2004 - anon
Title: The Salvation Army dining hall was closed that day
Dark Skinned man: Flip the pictures faster so I can see what a cartoon looks like.
Listening elder: My butt is annointed with sweat.
Teaching elder: Hope he doesn't mind the part about your garments being made white as snow. - Feb 2004 - Peter Doubt
Title: Another tough sell in the mission field
Teaching elder: And Apostle Mark E Peterson is willing to allow every Negro to drive a Cadillac
Dark Skinned man: Forget the Cadillac! Can I date your sister?
Listening elder: Somebody kill me please! - Feb 2004 - Skunk Puppet
Title: Elder Young and Elder Jones explain the concept of "white and delightsome"
Dark Skinned man: For being superior, what a couple of dweebs!
Listening elder: Zzzzzzzz
Teaching elder: Brigham Young taught... - Feb 2004 - Pen
Title: Elder Anderson gets a personal revelation
Dark Skinned man: Zzzzzzzz
Listening elder: Holy shit! I've got two more years of this?
Teaching elder: And then after you're a member you can sit on the blue chairs. - Feb 2004 - C02
Title: What happens in the mission field
Dark Skinned man: I wonder if these two crackers are looking at my pecker?
Listening elder: Wow! He's hung a lot better than Elder Jones.
Teaching elder: Damn! He's sure got a lot more down there than Elder Lindquist. - Feb 2004 - TV Lampboy
Title: Milk Before Meat
Dark Skinned man: When are they going to get around to the polygamy thing?
Listening elder: God, I hate sitting through these Amway spiels.
Teaching elder: So you see, it's not really a pyramind scheme so much as it is a multi-level marketing thing. - Jan 2004 - TV Lampboy
