Monson: Are you worried that if members really start reading the Book of Mormon like you told them to, there might be even more people leave the church?

Hinckley: That's my plan. I figure its better for them to discover the problems on their own than for the church to admit them straight out.

Faust: Hell, I've never made it past Isaiah. - 12/13/2008 - The Ghost of Hinckley Past

Monson: Our retention rates are plummeting. Do you have any inspiration on how we can explain this fact to the members?

Hinckley: We'll blame those ignorant missionaries for not doing a good job teaching the converts! We don't want to blame the ward members; they might stop paying tithing!

Faust: Perfect! Lord knows it can't be our fault! - 08/21/2005 - anon

Monson: I just finished Palmer's book and I think we should follow his advice.

Hinckley: I Duh! Why do you think I keep acting like an idiot on TV claiming we don't teach those controversial doctrines?

Faust: I thought it was the Alzheimer's. - 07/10/2005 - anon

Monson: So which one of us gets to do the temple work for the Pope?

Hinckley: I call dibs on his baptismal work, and Tom you can do his endowment. We'll stick Jim with the initiatory work.

Faust: Fine by me. I look better in a shield than either of you two geezers. Since the Pope never married have him sealed to Joseph Smith. Boyd's perfect for that assignment.- 4/04/2005 - anon

Monson: Those were sure nice things you said about the Pope today.

Hinckley: I didn't want to offend all those potential converts we keep taking from the Catholic Church!

Faust: The Pope's life of celibacy will have prepared him well for life in the Telestial Kingdom. Hahaha! - 4/04/2005 - anon

Monson: Baptisms are down, tithing is down, and we have all those temples to maintain thanks to you Gordon! What are we going to do?

Hinkley: Convert some of our Stake house's into Steak houses! We have enough cattle on our ranch in Florida to feed thousands!

Faust: We'll call it the Latter-Day Buffett!! - 12/25/2004 - anon

Monson: We just bought 500,000 shares of Starbucks, don't you think it's time for a new revelation on coffee drinking

Hinckley: I gave myself a coffee enima before I came here, how do you think I stay awake.

Faust: We should look into buying Playboy to, I like something to read while drinking my coffee. 12/25/2004 - anon

Monson: I got me a Johnson it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail!!

Hinckley: Are you really going to say that shit in front of the saints?

Faust: He's been like this since Bunny got him to start taking Viagra. 12/23/2004 - from Mike in KC

Monson: Hey Hink - I told my daughter's boyfriend last week that if he was good he would become white but it hasn't happended. Can you help me - can you change him for me?

Hinckley: Come on Mony, you know I don't work like that.

Faust: Well shit Hink - does that mean you haven't changed my daughter's boyfriend yet either!!!? - 12/23/2004 - from Mike in KC

Monson: Hey Hink - what say we flap on over to the east of Salt Lake City after conference and cruise for some chicks. I hear there's always a bit of a scene - all right?

Hinckley: Aww, give it up dude - these days chicks are rotten and dead all over.

Faust: You mean you wish they were - a hey hey hey hey! - 12/23/2004 - from Mike in KC

Monson: Hey Hink - I just found out that Hallie Berry is single again - now's your shot!

Hinckley: Hubba Hubba Hubba - I'm starting to feel rather - ah, FUNCKY - if you know what I mean? (slobbering)

Faust: Does this mean your dumping Britany Spears? - 12/23/2004 - from Mike in KC

Monson: You know guys, its becoming harder and harder to hide the incredible but pathetic truth about our church to the general public. What should we do?

Hinckley: Faust, you're prophet material, buddy. That's a beauty of an idea. All the mindless twits in the church will parrot your lead blindly, and everyone else, who are cowards, will say nothing at all. That will at least keep our flock in control.

Faust: I know, lets say that whenever anybody tries to speak the truth about the church, we refer to that as "Anti-Mormon". - from cactusman

Monson: So Gordon are you going to remarry?

Hinckley: There is a cute sister missionary on Temple Square that has caught my fancy.

Faust: It better not be Sister Alger, I have first dibs on her! - 12/20/2004 - anon

Monson: Hey Hink, how's about you and me and the 12 go see Gibson's movie about Christ?

Hinckley: Are you kidding - that movie blows dog!

Faust: Is that really in the movie - cool. - 12/20/2004 - from Michael in Kansas City

Monson: Oh hey - looks like Hink is having another revelation! Cool.

Hinckley:

Faust: Maybe this time he'll tell us something important like where they buried Jimmy Hoffa. - 12/20/2004 - from Michael in Kansas City

Monson: Damn...I haven't seen Hinkley just sit and stare like since Sister Johnson bent over and her tities fall out! Granted, they were very nice, and plump with nice nipples, and all that, but, damn.

Hinckley:

Faust: Yep - old Hink can really focus when he wants to! - 12/20/2004 - from Michael in Kansas City

Monson: You know guys, I read recently that even though Joseph was told not to join any of the churches, he still tried to join a couple.

Hinckley: What have I told you about studying Church history? Lay off it already!

Faust: Wait just a damn minute! I thought he was told to join the Mormons? - 04/30/2004 by Michael St. James

Monson: Well Hink, another glorious conference.

Hinckley: Shut the hell up! What's so glorious about it?

Faust: May as well forget about it Monson. He's been like this since Packer took away his Snoop Doggie Dog CD's. - 04/29/2004 - by Nowhereman

Monson: Hey Hink! What say we have a totally nude General Conference? Let the johnsons dangle. Might be some big boobs to oogle?

Hinckley: How could I ever explain that to the world?

Faust: Just go on Larry King Live and say it was a revelation. That always worked before. - 04/29/2004 by Nowhwereman

At Marjorie's Funeral Service

Monson: That's too bad about your wife Gordy.

Hinckley: Huh? What are you talking about? Where am I anyway?

Faust: Yeah Gordy, too bad! But just so I know, did you let her know it was coming or did you jwant it to be a big surprise? - 04/28/2004 - sickbastard

Eighth fundamental in following the prophet

Monson: How can we explain that "pure and delightsome" was really the original passage?

Hinckley: Remember boys, "The prophet is not limited by men's reasonings"; and, "pure" in reformed ancient Lamaniticalglyphicis translates as white.

Faust: Good one Gordon, but does that mean it doesn't matter what the Relief Society thinks? - 04/19/2004 - by cactus man

Monson: While watching Brother Gibson's "The Passion" the Holy Ghost impressed upon me that we should install crosses on our chapels to remind us of Christ's suffering for our sins.

Hinckley: Mmmmm... and it might confuse more Christians into thinking we are just like them. Brilliant?

Faust: Tommy, you watched an R-rated movie!? - 04/20/2004 - anon

Monson: Jim says some elders baptized a hermaphrodite.

Hinckley: Really?

Faust: Yes. The elders say that he is currently serving as both the branch president and the Relief Society president. - 0320/2004 - anon

Monson: Jim thinks that hermaphrodites should be able to hold the priesthood.

Hinckley: Really Jim. Why?

Faust: Welcuzhehasadick - 03/20/2004 - anon

Monson: If black skin indicates that someone was not valient in the War in Heaven what does hermaphroditism indicate?

Hinckley: That God was so pissed with them that He told them to "Go fuck themselves."

Faust: Did I ever tell you that I was born transgender? - 03/20/2004 - anon

Monson: Mmmmmm... Yahhhh...pornoggraphee.

Hinckley: The blasted Internet thing. We've got to do something! We are getting our ass kicked on the Internet and by the Internet. Not to mention all the pornography on it!

Faust: The Internet and "poor"nography thing is terrible. Who could have guessed that the proverty stricken would be so active in high-tech things and so spiteful if given the chance. - 03/15/2004 - Mike Davis

Monson: I went to K-Mart yesterday and returned a crappy and defective product I'd purchased. I demanded a full refund and got it.

Hinckley: Thank God, uh'm Adam God, we don't have refund policy, he he he.

Faust: I strongly believe it's the responsibility of any reputable retailer who sells or lies to sell a defective product to make good on that product if so requested by the buyer. - 03/15/2004 - cactus man

Monson: You know, if we just threw away the Book of Mormon and simply adopted the Bible, most of our credibility problems with everyone would evaporate.

Hinckley: Would I still get to pretend to be a prophet, he, he, he.

Faust: Yeah, and we wouldn't have to keep pretending that all of this doctrinal B.S. is true. - 03/15/2004 - cactus man

Monson: We should present Boyd with an award for being a "master debator."

Hinckley: That's truly an inspired idea, Tom.

Faust: And Tom, you should receive an award for being such a "cunning linguist." - 03/10/2004 - anon

Monson: Oh Gordo, you powerful wit is exceeded only by the toxicity and stench of your winds.

Hinckley: And it came to pass that I just passed gas.

Faust: Okay, Gordy, if that's the way you want it today, I ate chili last night and payback's a bitch. - 03/10/2004 - cactus man

Monson: If you throw that cane down on the ground will it turn into a snake?

Hinckley: No, but if I hit you upside the head with it, there will be a river of blood.

Faust: Did you use that cane to call down the plague of Mormon crickets in Idaho? - 03/10/2004 - anon

Monson: When I become prophet I am going to give women the priesthood.

Hinckley: I don't think God would be happy with that Tom.

Faust: Yeah Tom, God clearly wants us to start allowing gays to marry in the temple first. - 03/10/2004 - anon

Monson: Any luck getting the seer stone to work?

Hinckley: No! The damn thing must be broken?

Faust: Have you tried shoving your face into a hat? - 03/10/2004 - anon

Monson Thought Bubble: Look at that! Great! Now he needs a cane. Hinckley is obviously going down hill fast. Soon I will be the "profit" at the helm of this money raking dog and pony show! Its about time! Die you old buzzard! Die! Good thing for you there is no Jesus or I would lobby him to get rid of you and your brainless folksy antics, Hahahahahha!

Hinckley Thought Bubble: Look at all those pathetic crap gulping sheep! How can people continually be so stupid? ...How do people stupid enough to believe this crud still manage to come up with so much money to keep us in fat city? Incredible! ...there's no chance I could be this wealthy and powerful in the next life ...if there is one, but hopefully I won't have to be so damned homely!

Faust Aloud: Isn't this wonderful, breathurine! Every conference reaffirms my testimony of the divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ and makes it more clear to me that this really is the Lord's work! We are so blessed to be part of it!

Hinckley Thought Bubble: These dumb ass members never blinked an eye over my public denials of Church doctrine in the media, Surely they won't mind if I beat Hell out of Jim with this cane! - 03/18/2004 - by Dirty Judge Maughan

Monson: So when are we getting the mimes and hookers for our "little bit of Paris?"

Hinckley: Shut up Tom!

Faust: How about a coffee shop where people can sit and have a cigarette? - 03/10/2004 - anon

Monson: So what do you want for your next birthday celebration President Hinckley?

Hinckley: I want "The Clapper!"

Faust: Now Gordon, you know we don't clap in church. - 03/10/2004 - Peter Doubt

Monson: Push it to the right and they will all raise their right hand.

Hinckley: This new joy stick takes some getting used to, but I love it.

Faust: Put it to the rear and they will all reach for their wallets. - 03/09/2004 - Peter Doubt

Monson: What's all the big deal with cloning animals?

Hinckley: Well, tsk, tsk. I just don't have a clue; we have been cloning women here in Utah for the past 157 years.

Faust: Yep, just like the temple version of "The Stepford Wives." Tee hee. - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: ... and then I end with a quote from Emmerson. What are you going to say Gordon?

Hinckley: You're all going to hell!

Faust: Dammit Gordon! You said I could give the J. Golden Kimball talk. - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: Do you think members will realize we made it look like Brigham Young was a monogamist in the Gosepl Doctrine Manual?

Hinckley: No way! We keep them too busy with meetings and callings for them ever to have the time to check the sources.

Faust: You mean Brigham Young had more than one wife? - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: How long do you think we can keep fooling everyone?

Hinckley: At least until Boyd becomes prophet.

Faust: Yeah, if the historical and scientific evidence doesn't drive them out of the Church, Boyd's talks on sex will. - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: Uh Gordon, we actually do teach that God was once a man.

Hinckley: Really? Hmmm, I must have missed that day in Seminary.

Faust: Don't worry. We have edited that teaching out of the new Gospel Doctrine manuals. - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: Any luck getting the Temple Lot site?

Hinckley: No, the Hedrikites won't sell it.

Faust: Should we unleash the Danites? - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: Uh Gordon, I think you stepped in something.

Hinckley: I know. Damn horse drawn carriages!

Faust: So that is where the smell is coming from. I thought somebody had forgotten to change their depends. - 03/09/2004 - anon

Monson: Heavenly Father, my diarrhea is building up pressure again. Please bless me that I'll have strength in the sphincter and marrow in the boner to "hold it" until the closing prayer.

Hinckley: Heavenly Father, speaking of boners, please bless James to lay off the Viagra before conference next time.

Faust: Heavenly Father, both Gordicakes and TomTom are looking so cute this morning. This notebook will cover my trouser tent for now, but please bless my penishood to flaccidify before I have to stand up. - 02/25/2004 - Blash

Monson: I can't keep my hand off my little factory. Viagra is truly a blessing from the Lord.

Hinckley: Hurry up Monson, the choir is almost done singing, "Hold to the Rod."

Faust: Tommy Monson, what would your mother say? Heh, heh. I know what Francis would say. - 02/25/2004 - Helaman

Monson: Are you really going to smoke that big stogie after conference?

Hinckley: Yep, just like Joseph did in Nauvoo.

Faust: Can I light up a medicinal doobie? - 02/25/2004 - anon

Monson: Twelve million souls out there have no idea it's a sham.

Hinckley: Yeah, listen to them baaa, baaa, hee, hee hee.

Faust: The Joseph Smith clone will be ready in 2010. - 02/25/2004 - Mathew

Monson: Check out that sweet spirit.

Hinckley: Whoohoo! She's marvelous, wonderful.

Faust: She's my cross-dressing nephew. - 02/25/2004 - anon

Monson: Gordon, Boyd's pestering me again.

Hinckley: Okay, I'll speak to his wife again.

Faust: Isn't it marvelous, wonderful. Sorry, Gordon, that's your line - 02/25/2004 - anon