Mighty Mormon Coffee Mug Hey, if they were really mighty, they would be drinking Postum! - 03/18/2003 - cricket
From Relief Society Bazaar to the Brethren's Bizarre - You won't believe the tacky tripe and preposterous products being hoisted upon the sheep by their shepherds.
Absolutely anything to make a buck and then pass on a dime to the Lord. All of this to "bless" the lives of the Saints? Submit any products that you come across on the internet in the box below.
The Mormons are not actual Mormons. They do not have bikes. They are not making fun of the religion. They are not a joke band. They are merely fascinated by urban Mormon missionaries. They find many parallels between the life of Mormon missionaries and that of an underground rock artist (i.e. obsession, sacrifice, devotion, rejection, etc.)
CTR Toes Rings - Crusty Toes Ring
Available online at Latter-Day Specialties
When will they offer an assortment of adjustable CTR cock rings? "Choose The Rod"
Mattel Creates Mormon Barbie
In celebration of Barbie's 40th birthday, Mattel has created a "Mormon
Barbie" for the folks in Utah. The most popular, "Celestial Barbie,"
comes with 8.4 children. She wears a mid-calf flower print Laura Ashley dress
with conservative flats (no heels), a bow in her flowing shoulder-length
hair, with puffy bangs. Barbie wears a permanent smile and comes with
her own bread-making machine, a store of wheat, list of ways to feed a
family of 12 on less than $100 a week, casserole recipes, and a year's supply
of green Jell-O with shredded carrots.
Also available: MAV (Dodge/Ford/Nissan/whatever mini-van, otherwise
known as Mormon Assault Vehicle). When you pull the cord in her back, she
sheds real tears and says, "You have such a special spirit, Sister. Appreciate
ya very much. Love ya." Occasionally you can find one that says "Oh, my
heck!" but this is a manufacturer's defect and is very rare. Celestial Barbie
would never say "heck." You can buy Celestial Ken to go with Celestial
Barbie, but he's hard to find. (He's always fulfilling some priesthood
calling, so he's rarely home).
Other special LDS Barbies include: "Return Missionary Barbie"--This
somewhat dumpy Barbie comes with your choice of a BYU or Ricks College
sweatshirt and mini-computer. She bears her testimony in a foreign
language.
"Homemaking Leader Barbie"-comes with a wide assortment of miniature
baking, sewing, and craft supplies. "Primary President Barbie"--Not very popular since this one has no hair (it has all been pulled out). Pull her cord and she sings "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree" and "Give, Said the Little Stream," and she folds her arms to remind everyone to be reverent.
"Organist Barbie"--Has rimmed glasses and comes with her very own spiral-bound hymnal. Sits only, in position to play with arms bent and fingers extended. An organ and piano are also available.
"Visiting Teaching Barbies"--Sold in sets of two, this is a true
collector's item, as each set has its own recorded message. Comes with
supply of message handouts and plates of birthday and Christmas cookies.
"Salt Lake Leader Barbie"--White hair in a hurricane do!
Also available:
"Priesthood Leader Husband Ken" who sits permanently asleep on the
stand. Eyes do not open. Snores. Batteries required.
On special order, there is the "40+ Ken"-Dumps the "40+ Barbie" and the
12 kids in favor of a "15+ Barbie."
There is also the "Polygamist Ken"-comes with 5 Barbies, 29 kids and a
special little "Ken Jail."
You only get to keep 90% of the stuff that comes with these dolls, the
other 10% has to be sent to the church!
I was recently inside seagull books to buy some music for my (clueless)
missionary sister. I almost fainted when I spied a certain necklace on the
jewelry turnstyle. According to the packaging it was an official Nauvoo
temple trinket. It was an upside down star with the point facing downwards
elongated. A real Star of Mendes or Baphomet. Um, hurry, go buy them up for all your female
Morg relatives. Maybe they will come to their senses when they see the
horrified faces of passers by. - 01/01/2003 - anon
LDS Pumpkin Patterns -
http://www.pumpkinglow.com/LDSbook.htm - Be Peculiar this Halloween
Carve what you feel, display what you believe.
Temple Checks -
http://www.templechecks.com/ - Nephi Oliva founded TempleChecks in 1999 to address large demand by LDS consumers for
more mainstream products. Indeed, TempleChecks, Inc. has production capabilities
that rival any secular corporation in the country.
The two Missionary Nutcracker, dressed in uniforms with black hair and big blue eyes. The one to the left is dressed in black, the one to the right in dark blue. Holding books to teach children how to read and write. The cover shows the headline “Book of Mormons”. The bags they are holding show the imprint “Church of Jesus. Christ of Latter Day Saints”. The same you can find on the two tags, which are worn by them on their jackets. On the wooden plate you can see the imprint “Friends today, Friends tomorrow, Friends always!”. On the black pillar between them you can read their mission: “Called to serve”.
- 11/17/2002 - submitted by hay@libertyhaven
Modesty by Design -
http://www.modestbydesign.com/Home - Combining the best of the Amish, Quaker and Mormon
Fundamentalist high fashion world.
Zion Share -
http://zionshare.org/ - Kirtland HealthShare is
a non-insurance program of sharing medical expenses for LDS members up to $1
million. Hey, didn't the United Order already fold up a long time ago? Do they pay their medical bills in Kirtland Bank Notes?
Reader respsonse: Sorry you seem ignorant of the intention of zionshare.org. It is organized similar to many other fraternal and religious 'sharing' groups - heretofore unavailable to LDS members. Nothing new in concept, just available where it wasn't before. It's professionally organized and is assisting many. - 03/14/2003 - anon
Temple Traders -
http://www.templetraders.com/ - Tacky Temple Trading Cards - trade them just like you
trade baseball trading cards. Hey anything for buck.
The Miller-Eccles Study Group -
http://www.mesg.tierranet.com/ - Study group founded in 1980 to encourage LDS scholarship. Website
includes information on the group's mission, history, previous
speakers and sponsors. Also included is the current issue of the
group's newsletter, new member information and a list of favorite
links.
Mormon Scripture Studies -
http://mormonscripturestudies.com/ - Academically-oriented site that includes papers written on Mormon
scripture. Includes sections on the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and
Covenants and Church History, the Book of Abraham and the Temple, and
the Bible and the Joseph Smith Revision.
11/24/2001 - by anon
The LDS Mingle
The Make Me Wanna Puke Bookstore
05/28/2001 - anon
A bookstore catering to those "special needs" Mormons, who live in the world, and can't get enough of their little cutesy mormonisms.
For those free thinking impared, blinders are still available at the door.
CTR Rings and T-shirts available for those, who have failed to take on the countinance of Christ, but still desire to be counted in the fold.
Don't delay, proclaim your faith today.
RULDS2 bumper stickers still available by popular demand.
The Latter Day Warrior - Chose The Ridiculous CTR
Book of
Mormon Figures - Now we need General Authority action
figures...Or should that be General Authority "Inaction" Figures?
Comments Section
A few years ago, my friend and I were in the BYU bookstore looking for her textbooks
and whatnot. I was still a TBM (True Believing Mormon) back then, though a little borderline Jack-mo.
Whilst wandering through the aisles, I saw, to my horror, a rack selling actual
pieces of the Nauvoo Temple.
Relics? That's not right. People died for that...
but, I guess if underwear, CTR (Choose the Right) rings, and handshakes will get you to heaven, why wouldn't a piece of the Temple?
Even when I was active, it was disgusting. Now that I know the truth, I'm still
not surprised. - 04/15/2004 - from Mo-boy-no-more
What's up with Know Your Religion? Let me get this right, you pay money
to hear someone talk about religion. But of course, there is no
"professional clergy" in the church (well, except for institute teachers, GA's,
mission presidents, and these Know Your Religion folks. I prefer to stay at home
at read, ponder and pray and gain my own insight. I wonder what King
Benjamin would say about these Know Your Religion folks. - 09/06/2003 - anon
"Hoisted on the sheep by the shepherds"? Evidently you don't understand
the difference between, say, an LDS bookstore owner (an enterprising
capitalist) and a bishop (that is, a shepherd). Entrepreneurs are free to hoist
away, and the flock are pleased to buy or ignore as they wish. My
experience of several decades' membership in the LDS church has produced no examples
of shepherds "hoisting" anything. Would it be too limiting for you to
confine your humor, such as it is, to a basis in truth? - 03/15/2003 - from Pontius Pilate, Jr.
Editor's Note: Bleeting away, a sheep has no idea what a sheep really is. Once hoisted upon, continue grazing with head down, eyes closed.
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