Parody News from the Salamander Society

March 11, 2010

Jan Paulsen on celibacy at BYU.

Seventh-day Adventist President tells BYU: We must fight together against celibacy!

by Daniel Seer Peterson - Adventists Press FARMS - APF

Provo -

The president of the Seventh Day Adventist Church told a huge audience at Brigham Young University on Tuesday that Adventists and Mormons must strive together against a growing Catholic tendency to pit priestly celibacy against objective truth, God ordained marital relations and reproduction.

Nearly 12,000 students and faculty gathered at BYU's Marriott Center to hear Jan Paulsen, president of the world-wide Seventh-day Adventist Church. Typically, such forums draw 3,000 or 4,000.

Besides shepherding 16 million Adventists around the globe, Paulsen has written numerous articles and papers and is the author of the book entitled "When the Spirit Descends Into Politics - Using Fear and Loathing To Control The Masses". Paulsen practices what he preaches by being married to Kari Trykkerud and the couple has three adult children: Laila Paulsen Becejac, Jan-Rune, and Rein Andre.

He was invited to LDS Church-owned BYU, in part, because of his recent book articulating Adventists thinking about the church's role in public policy and celibacy in Christian culture.

Elders Quentin L. Terratino and M. Russell Bullocks, members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Beavis H. Christ of Latter-day Saints, and Larry Unterseher, President Nevada-Utah Conference of the Seventh-day Adventists, sat on the front row of the dais with Paulsen. The two Adventists leaders were to meet with LDS leaders in Salt Lake City on Tuesday.

Paulsen noted that the two churches have worked together to alleviate poverty around the world; combat pornography; defend the right to life for the unborn; and defend traditional marriage among church leaders as long as it no longer sanctions plural marriage which is also known to Mormons as "spiritual wifery."

"I'm personally grateful," Paulsen said, "that, after 180 years of living mostly apart from one another, Seventh-day Adventists and Latter-day Saints have come to see one another as trustworthy partners in the defense of shared moral principles and the elimination of alternative lifestyles. Now if we can just pursuade our Catholic father-friends to start marrying those nuns!"

Cardinal Boy George at BYU. Marriage, the union of one man and one woman, one priest and one nun must be enforced, he added, "against various efforts to redefine spiritual law by the Vatican to celebrate celibacy and warp that foundational element of God's natural plan for creation."

Paulsen noted that both Seventh-day Adventists and Latter-day Saints are called to respect and love all people, including those who are still silly and celebate, because they are children of God. If God were celibate we would not even be here.

"That doesn't mean we must approve of everything everyone does," said Paulsen, who later noted that his family, like many a few others around the planet, does includes one celebate. "In fact, some of my best friends are celebate," Paulsen added proudly.

Freedom of religion, Paulsen said, is a fundamental right that cannot be reduced merely to a freedom to worship or freedom of conscience, as some in the Vatican now advocate.

Such a limited notion of religious freedom is not the American tradition, he said. "It was the tradition of the Spanish Inquisition."

True religious freedom, he said, includes "the obligation to exercise influence in the pubic sphere. If the priests married nuns, Catholic growth rates would increase substantially. Catholicism growing is not the ideal but at least they are Christians and we need all the help we can get to keep up with all those non-Christian movements out there."

Paulsen concluded his remarks by stating, "Look, if I can preach among the Mormons at their own univesity then anything is possible in the eyes of God."

Adding laughter and lightmindedness Paulsen snorted, "I even promised to not poke fun at President Thomas S. Monson for we Seventh-day Adventists claiming 16 million members to his puny 13.5 five million. Don't you like my cap better than those tiny caps you have to wear in your temples?"

Editor's Note: This is a parody created to point out the self-serving nature of the organized religion business. The president of the Seventh-day Adventist Church never was invited to or spoke at BYU but a Catholic Cardinal spoke at BYU in February 2009. The irony of a celebate Catholic leader colluding with Mormons to support "traditional marriage" was somehow overlooked.


March 11, 2009

Mormons, Masons and HBO create new Temple Preparation Seminar.

Mormons, Masons and HBO create new Temple Preparation Seminar

by Nell Sure-Sign - Associated Priests - AP

Salt Lake City -

Mormon Church President, Thomas S. Monetarysum claims to have changed the course of Latter-day Saint history with his latest revelation directly from the Lord.

During a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake Temple, Monetarysum became overwhelmed with "Big Love", gazed heaven ward and revelated: "Thus saith the Lord."

"Lo and behold, I am weary of my chosen people suffering persecution, ridicule and mockery at the hands and fingers of those on the Internet and the television. Therefore I now spare from misery my beloved Latter-day Saints by declaring from on high, 'If we can't beat them, we will join them.'"

"I command that from this time forward and through all eternity my loyal servants will not only open the doors of my holy temple to the public, but will open the financial books of my kingdom to the membership and the Internal Revenue Service."

"Out of darkness, secrets and shadows will come forth the light of reason, logic and common sense."

"I command my servant, Thomas S. Monetarysum to travel forth to the Catholics, the Hindus, the Jews, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the Fundamentalist LDS and the non-believers and invite them to come unto Me and spiritually feast in one of my 150 temples around the world. Amen and Amen."

With that revelation closed, Monetarysum invited the media into the upper room of the Salt Lake Temple to participate in the first public Temple Preparation Seminar while enjoying coffee, donuts and Pepsi.

Once inside, Monetarysum "turned the time over" to aspotle Boyd K Packaderm to teach the seminar.

After clearing his throat, Packaderm waxed eloquent as he explained.

"We have combined what the Masons started and what Joseph Smith improvised in Nauvoo with the production power of our new friends at Home Box Office into a state of the art virtual reality temple endowment. I bear solemn witness my brothers and sisters, you will experience the 'WOW" in your endowment!"

In a demonstration of Packaderm's new found humility and doctrine of diversity, he called forth any and all so-called intellectuals, feminists and homosexuals to come forward. Packer then proceeded to wash and annointed their feet.

Carried away by the Holy Spirit, Packaderm lead the congregation in singing the new temple preparation hymn, "A Few of My Endowment Things." (sung to the tune "A few of my favorite things" from the Sound of Music)

White caps on noggins and new names all written
Burning of bosoms and feeling all smitten
Tokens and handshakes the temple worker brings
These are a few of my endowment things.

Prayer roll names on alters they doodle
We consecrate all, every Kit'n Cabutal
Wild Moroni's who fly high without wings
These are a few of my endowment things.

We in polyester with silly white sashes
Rehearshing penalties with throat and gut slashes
Siver gray men veil grabbing and whisphering
This was my least favorite thing

When the Lord frights
When the choir sings
When I'm feeling had
I simply remember my endowment things.
And then I feel so damn mad!

[Repeat all verses and then return and report]

Official Church spokesperson, L. Don Edsel stated, "With our growth rate stagnate the past decade and our missionary force in reduction mode I am relieved that the Lord finally saw fit to loosen things up around here. Even non-members will now be able to see and participate in the temple marriages of their loved ones, rather than sit around for hours outside of the temple fuming in their angst againts us."

One Mormon who witnessed this event exclaimed, "Oh my heck, The Church is so true now I just can't believe it."


January 14, 2009

Mormons cling to Mr Clean miracles.

Mormons Cling to Mr. Clean Miracle

by Bentrider - Associated Priests - AP

Provo -

Top scientists at the Nuskin Labs in Provo, Utah made an astonishing discovery today: Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser is actually a polyproethylene material with small ridges that can pick up and hold dirt.

Dr. M. L. Marqueteer of the Lab explains, "There really was never any mystery to the construction of the sponge-like cleaner. It was just a matter of time before we cracked the code on this one."

However, many users, mostly in Bountiful, Lehi, Logan and Provo, Utah, dispute that the Eraser is no less than a "miracle".

Sister Kerry Shirts and Mr. Clean. Sister Kerry Shirtz of Provo stated, "I have never lost faith that a stain would not come off my counter top with this amazing material!"

Neighbor Danielle C. Peterson added, "Those who can't remove something off the counter with this Magic Eraser just don't have the faith to do so. Besides, this is the only product I've found that removes those stubborn skid marks from my temple garments."

Dr. Marqueteer disagrees. "By using proven scientific methodology and testing, we have determined that this material is man-made and not actually "magic".

Believers in the sponge still cling to the faith that the sponge contains "miracle-like" properties when it comes to cleaning a surface.

For those who have tougher stains can opt for the new "Extra Strength Magic Eraser" which, according to Danielle, contains even more magical powers than the original eraser. "Obviously, Mr. Clean was able to collect more magic material and put it into a small package."

Others users have been quite distraught with the discovery, grudgingly admitting that the sponge is just another gimmick to get their money.

Steve Benson and Randy Jordan are just two users who are helping others cope with the discovery.

Steve Benson and Randy Jordan of Benson and Jordan have formed the recovery group "Magic Eraser Advocacy Now" or "MEAN", as they call it. "We try to help those that have doubts and are trying to cope with the emotional scars one can have over discovery the reality behind Mr Clean." Sister Shirtz states, "If they don't want to use the product, why can't they just leave it alone?"

Benson and Jordan comment that many feel they have been betrayed by false hopes and now seek help coping. They also claims they are not trying to lead people away to their ideas, but are just providing a forum for users to "let go."

Rumors remain unconfirmed that Boyd K Packer was introducing the product into the "washing and annointing" temple ceremony to expedite the "scrubbing away of the blood and sins of this generation."

Phone calls to the Genie, Mr. Clean, were not returned.


December 16, 2008

Thomas S Monson dodges shoe thrown at him by Iraqi press while announcing the construction of a 
Mormon temple in Badhdad.

President Thomas S Monson embarrased but avoids martyrdom in Baghdad

by Baghdad Brigham - Aaronic Press - AP

Baghdad -

President Thomas S Monson, prophet, seer and real estator of the Mormon Church failed to become the first martyr of his faith since Joseph Smith by dodging not only hositle questions but powerful projectiles thrown at him today in downtown Baghdad.

The attack upon Monson manifested itself as he called a press conference to announce to the Arab World his intentions to construct a Mormon Temple on the site of the ancient Tower of Babel and a BYU Study Abroad Campus on the site of the ancient Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

This perceived arrogance proved too much for Iraqi reporter Mohammed Moriancomur, who stood and agrily heaved his two size fifteen shoes directly at Monson's head.

Joseph Smith statue comes down in Baghdad. Monson ducked the first shoe but Elder Boyd Packer, Monson's so-called security encouraged him to "turn the other cheek," as the second shoe smacked Monson squarely on the nose.

The Blackwater Danite division of United states Security swarmed the assailant, restrained him and then transported him to a local detention.

Mr. Moriancomur will soon stand trail in a LDS court of Love to be presided over by Boyd K Packer who is know for his support of Blood Atonement preached by Brigham Young.

The swelling to Monson's nose appeared to be minimal due to the already huge size of his priesthood proboscis.

Monson was immediately rushed to the airport and flow back to Salt Lake City aboard the Huntsman Corporate jet.

With President George W Bush and now Monson being attacked by shoe throwers lately, Church Security insiders are encouraging Monson to wear a hockey mask or baseball catcher's mask when he addresses the congregation at the next General Conference.

As word spread of the new temple and new BYU campus announcement local Iraqi citizens protested by pulling down a large bronze statue of Joseph Smith that had been constructed by the Utah National Guard in honor of Monson's arrival in Baghdad.

This rage coincided with the disovery of a golden Angel Moroni secretly placed atop a local mosque by over zealous, clandestine Mormons who have been serving church missions to teach English to the Iraqi people.

The Mormon Church's public relations firm, Edleman Worldwide Inc. has come under fire by True Believing Mormons (TBM's) for the public humilation Monson has suffered due the negative attention of the California Proposition 8 and now this poorly timed temple announcement in Baghdad.

Monson's planned trip to Washington D.C. to request a "bail out" from Congress for the LDS Church due to lagging tithing returns due to the poor economy, has been postponed a week or two until this current fiasco dies down.

Edleman Worldwide is suggesting that Monson not take the Huntsman corporate jet, but rather trek to Washington via handcart through winter blizzard to show his sincerity and desperation.


December 15, 2008

Brother Gunnerson drinking imitation coffee.

Suspected Mormon coffee drinker placed on probation

A surprised Mormon imitation coffee drinker is called to repentance by his self-righteous bishop.

by SusieQ#1 - $tarbuck$ Newz

Smallgrove, ID -

Bishop Mason of Smallgrove, ID, shouting and red faced, threw an adult member, Brother Gunnerson of the Smallgrove First Ward congregation out of their Sacrament Meeting for drinking what the bishop thought was coffee from a small thermos.

The alleged transgression resulted in the member being put on "probation" for satisfying his thirst in a sacred church meeting.

Gunnerson's wife and seven children left the meeting in tears without being able to partake of the holy sacrament.

Gunnerson says it was a joke, that it was not coffee (the Mormon religion's banned substance) but a smell-alike alternative, Postum that is regularly served at Mormon functions

However, there is no system for redress of grievances, and even the "look (or in this case the smell) of evil" results in the Lord's condemnation which is to be carried out by the local Bishop.

Specifics of the "probation" are to be detailed in a private priesthood meeting described as a "court of love" with Gunnerson on Wednesday.


October 18, 2008

Thomas Monson helps less faithful Mormons
unsubscribe membership.

LDS Church Announces Web Link for Disaffected Members to Unsubscribe their Membership

by Lamar S. Peterson - Dessert Newz

Salt Lake City -

The LDS Church has announced that Thomas S. Monson has had his first revelation since being sustained as Prophet Seer and Revelator. This revelation is regarding the lost souls who wish to stay lost and do not choose to "Endure to the End."

This is an inspired program updating their policy to expedite the Exit Process for Mormons who don't want to be members anymore.

An unidentified source confirms that the Confidential Membership Department of the LDS Church can no longer handle the thousands of letters. The process needed to be stream lined. "We don't recognize resignation in the LDS Church." he said. "We think eternally."

He confirmed they had expanded the offices several times in the last few years. He would not confirm a specific number working in the offices. He did say the department had both employees and volunteers handling the letters. He said that reading the letters took much too long and they are loosing employees because they have lost their testimony. Turn over was high. He wouldn't say how high. Another unwanted side effect was the burden on the church optometrists for continued corrective lenses for the employees.

The new inspired program starts November 1, 2008. Any member of the LDS Church who does not want to be a Mormon anymore can Unsubscribe their Membership with just a few key questions and a click of their computer mouse.

This is a confidential, secure site. Only pertinent information is asked: baptized members names and birth dates, children of record birth dates, current addresses and an email address.

Other information, if known, would be helpful: Unit Number and Membership number, if Endowed Members, date of marriage or endowment, but is not necessary.

Comments Section is limited 250 characters.

The Unsubscribe process will take approximately 24 to 48 hours with confirmation sent to the email address listed.

If the member has sent in a letter resigning their membership to the LDS church on a local level, or into our office, there is no need to make further contact. PLEASE use the new inspired program. The Unsubscribe Process is all that is necessary. Please. NO PHONE CALLS.

The new web page can be accessed at:LDS

We love our fellow members, would prefer to have them back in the fold, however, we recognize they have their Agency, and if they choose to opt out of the Plan of Salvation, they may do so.


April 23, 2008

Mormon Manifesto Warren Jeffs polygamy.

Warren Jeffs Issues Manifesto

by Chris Peatross - AP - Aspiring Prophets


In a new twist in the unfolding child-custody drama, FLDS spokesman Wilford Orsen Barlow read a 'revelation' from jailed leader Warren Jeffs, commanding his followers to end the "earthly" practice of plural marriage and ordering temple officials to cease "temporal" sealings of men to more than one wife. Following the announcement, Barlow plead to the assembled state officials and press,

"There. Now we're just like the other Mormons. Can we please have our kids back?"

When informed of the statement, a senior Texas law-enforcement official had this reply, on condition of anonymity:

Quentin L Cook making excuses. "Hell, no we ain't fallin' for that! They're gonna go right on hitchin' themselves up to multiple wives for the next life. Plus, they'll have pictures of those old leaders and their young fillies, up on the wall a worshipin' and veneratin' them. Far as we're concerned, so long as they think they have to do whatever that old boy says to get into heaven, then we don't trust 'em. Who knows what he might come up with?

"Besides, the sooner we get them young'ens into good Christian homes, the better. They need raised proper. They need to know the Good Book is the complete, unerring word of God, That anyone who tells 'em we evolved from monkeys is preachin' a false religion, and that a daily whuppin' is a blessing. After all, the end times are apon us and the rapture will be here any day."

Attempts to contact LDS president Thomas S. Monson were unsuccessful. However, Apostle Quentin L. Cook issued the following statement:

"This so-called manifesto makes absolutely no difference. We have nothing in common with these strange people who unfortunately chose to call themselves Mormons. Just look--they wear funny dresses and they don't even have two-piece garments. And look at their so-called temple. Who designed it, Fleetwood Homes? We have better architects."


April 9, 2008

Thomas S Monson and Warren Jeffs 
sustain each other as prophets like Joseph Smith.

Thomas Monson and Warren Jeffs Issue Joint Statement: "Come Back!"

"Prophets of feather flock together" quips President Monson after he and Warren Jeff swear allegiance to The New and Everlasting Covenant of Plural Marriage. People who know of President Monson's ecumenical tendencies were not suprised by Monson's embrace of Jeffs.

by Mujun - AP - Associated Prophets

Salt Lake City, Utah and San Angelo, Texas -

Mormons who have strayed from their faith or who have been taken into protective custody by the state were invited to return to the fold Sunday in a joint statement by the leaders of Mormonism's two best-known sects.

"Come back," President Thomas S. Monson and polygamist prophet Warren Jeffs said in their first statement since Monson took over The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in February and Jeffs, head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-day Saints, began serving his 10 years to life sentence for rape in November of 2007.

Members of both sects are ready to welcome "the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor" into fellowship, they said. While Monson has stated his interest in having everyone return, Jeffs acknowledged that his sect has a particular interest in reclaiming "the young and the female."


April 1, 2008

Thomas S Monson caught scoping out his next love bomb service project.

Widow Sues President Thomas S Monson for Harassment

President Monson caught scoping out his next "secret service project" at home of Widow Anderson. Monson is all smiles at what a great story this will make for his next General Conference talk.

by substrate - AP - Associated Prophets

Salt Lake City -

A Salt Lake City woman filed a civil suit against LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson for harassment. Martha Anderson, 72, complained in papers filed in Municipal Court, that Monson has engaged in a pattern of stalking and harassment over the last two years.

"I had just moved into the neighborhood," Anderson recounts, "and word must have gotten out that I'm a recent widow. One day a portly, elderly man appeared on my doorstep and told me he'd noticed my parakeets. Now, mind you, my parakeets are in a room facing the back yard, so immediately I wondered how this man knew about the parakeets? Had he been watching me? For how long?"

Monson, the suit alleges, offered to care for the parakeets upon Mrs. Anderson's death. "I've been in the neighborhood two days, and he starts speaking ominously about my impending death. What was I supposed to make of that?" she said, shuddering slightly at the thought. "I told him to get off my property, or I'd call the police."

Anderson thought that would be the end of it, but it was just the beginning. "I'd come home from work, and he'd be mowing my lawn or bringing me flowers. Once he brought about 25 kids over to paint the house. They didn't ask, and they did a crappy job. And I hate blue."

Mormon President Thomas S Monson being photographed by Deseret News painting Widow Anderson's home. "Then I started getting phone calls from people who had heard Mr. Monson bragging about his service to me from the pulpit. He didn't even get my name right: It's Martha, not Marian."

Eventually, a frustrated Mrs. Anderson phoned church headquarters to complain about the harassment. "The secretaries just gushed about his kindly service and said I should feel really blessed to have attracted his attention. No one took me seriously until I got a restraining order."

Despite the restraining order, the harassment continued: "Cookies and casseroles kept coming. He replanted my flower beds three times. He even went after my grandson. Brandon was pretty shaken up by the experience. He said that this creepy man had jumped out from behind my apple tree and tried to shove a train set into his hands. He told me he thought he was being abducted."

Salt Lake City police refused to enforce the restraining order. "Why would anyone refuse the personal ministry of a prophet of God?" asked an incredulous Sergeant Bob Jensen. "She should feel honored."

Monson's office issued a terse statement: "President Monson is widely known to have maintained a quiet personal ministry to the sick, the afflicted, and the widowed. We are saddened that anyone might take offense at his unselfish and Christlike service."

As she filed the suit this morning, Mrs. Anderson was firm and unapologetic. "I had hoped it wouldn't go this far, but someone has to put a stop to it. Think of all the defenseless widows who have suffered in silence from this insidious stalking. It's time to break the cycle."


March 18, 2008

Mormon LDS Prophet toilet paper reminder.

New Mormon Temple Products Introduced at General Conference

Even when taking potty breaks during General Conference the faithful will be reminded not to 'waste a moment of spirituality' when their bowels are full of the Gospel.

by Moroni Marten - AP - Associated Potties

Salt Lake City -

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has released several new products from the LDS Temple Underwear (garment) division which they hope will help members remember their sacred obligations and covenants.

Mormon Priesthood hemorrhoidal cream. "We are thrilled that the leadership has been inspired to allow these new products to be offered to our members," says Charles Jorgensen, developer of the new temple products.

"Each time they use a product, it will remind them of their sacred and holy covenants to the Lord."

The new products include a hemorrhoidal gel that have actually been blessed and set apart in temple prayer circles.

Mormon toothbrush reminders. "I have used the gel myself and can feel the powerful tingling sensation of the priesthood power at work," says Jorgensen.

"With every application, one is reminded of the power of God."

Another product that has been released is a set of toothbrushes that remind the user of the sacred covenants made in the temple such as obedience, garments, tithing and chastity.

LDS bishop, Ramsey Roberts likes the new products. "Every day, I reach for a brush that highlights something I feel I need to work on," he says.

"Today I chose ?obedience' because I failed to read the scriptures. Yesterday, I chose the purple brush. It's great to have these reminders in hand."

Slit throat Mormon temple reminder. By far the most popular new product has been the Prophets Toilet Tissue. All fifteen prophets of the modern church are represented. Sister Janice Mathews explains its popularity. "I see it as something the whole family can use at least once each day, sometimes more if we eat at Chuck-A-Rama," she says. "With every wipe, we are reminded of the prophets that have given us the revealed word of God."

One of the more controversial products is a framed wall picture of a slit throat which reminds the viewer of the very serious nature of temple covenants. "Yes," says Jorgensen, "the temple covenants are, indeed, very serious. Although we no longer threaten in the temple to slit throats or disembowel our members for covenant breaking, it is still implied."

As successful as these new products seem to be, it is likely that additional products will be made available in the future.


March 12, 2008

Mo-Protect safety facbric.

LDS Church Unveils Mo-Protect Safety Fabric

Mo-Protect the patent pending LDS safety fabric deflecting the weapons of the adversary.

by Prufrock - UPI - Underwear Protection International

Salt Lake City - This morning at Temple Square the LDS Church unveiled "Mo-Protect" a new line of protective equipment based on the fabric used in their sacred temple garments.

Richard Stroker, head of the LDS Church's Research and Development Group had the following to say:

Mo-Protect safety fabric modeled by Bro Stroker. "It has long been common knowledge to us Mormons that the garments we wear have holy protective powers. This is evidenced by the numerous stories of good members who have miraculously escaped harm in accidents while their gentile friends have been reduced to bloody corpses. Sure, we have our share of dismembered heads and limbs, but all these injuries usually occur on areas that the garments don't cover."

"These faith-promoting stories led us to ponder how we could help make the world in general a safer place."

"The church is now pleased to announce its new line of protective body armor for both law enforcement, and the military. It is extremely lightweight, and it is completely impervious to bullets, explosions, poisonous snakes, and fiery darts from the adversary."

A source in the research department revealed to us that the church is preparing to release a whole slew of other related items made with the same holy fabric including black boxes for airplanes, athletic cups, and football helmets.

A private phone interview with an anonymous employee of the church revealed that one of their testers unfortunately did die during product testing. After an internal investigation, the Church came to the conclusion that the body armor failed because the tester had not paid a full tithe the previous quarter. Also, links were found on his computer to anti-Mormon sites such as

When asked about this incident, Brother Stroker had no comment.

Church President Thomas S. Monson remains very upbeat about the endeavor and had the following to say, "I am extremely pleased about Brother Strokers new line of armor. This is his greatest invention since the paper sacrament cup."


March 11, 2008

Cecil O Samuelson grants Daniel C Peterson bullshit department certificate.

FARMS To Be Absorbed Into New BYU Department

President Cecil O. Samuelson presents FARMS worker with certificate of bullshit.

by Tal B - UPI - Uppity Provo Intelligence

Provo -

BYU President Cecil O. Samuelson today announced that the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS) will be assimilated into the newly formed BYU Department of Bullshit.

"We are excited by this development", said Samuelson. "For too long, FARMS has been the only group of scholars here focusing exclusively on producing bullshit. With the creation of this new department and the appointment of former FARMS scholar DonLoy Q. Pendleton as department head and Hugh Nibley Chair of Remorseless, Unremitting, and Total Bullshit, we feel we are in position now to create more bullshit than any other university on earth. It is a thrilling time".

New department chair Pendleton said he was "very pleased". "For years now, I and my illustrious colleagues have spent nearly every waking moment of every day thinking up new bullshit defense strategies - cryptograms, mnemonic devices, 'scribes did it', listing typographical errors, word redefintions, the whole bit. And often, sad to say, we have done so with little or no appreciation from administrators. I am very gratified that our endeavours in bullshit are now being recognized and rewarded".

Mormon multi-millionaire and hotel magnate Willard Marriot, Jr., provided the financial backing for the department's creation. In a prepared statement read by Samuelson, the BYU president praised Marriott for "his lifelong dedication to bullshit high and deep. Serving as a Temple President, for example, while making millions selling hardcore pornography in every one of his hotel rooms, is a spectacular example of just the kind of bullshit we are so excited about. I am certain he will be able to provide much assistance in our production of bullshit for many years to come".

Marriott declined to have the new department building named after him, instead asking that it be named "after the most incredible bullshitter I have ever had the good fortune to meet, even more of one than my good friend Larry Flynt - Gordon B. Hinckley". The Gordon B. Hinckley Center for Remorseless, Unremitting, and Total Bullsh*t will open its doors for the Fall 2008 semester.

"I know when I'm beat", said Marriott. "Asking members if they keep the law of chastity as a stake president, while my hotels are selling hardcore pornography so I can make millions, I used to think was some big bullsh*t. But Hinckley's bullshitted Mike Wallace, Time Magazine, Larry King, his own late wife, and all the members! Now THAT is some serious bullshit!".

"While I am deeply honoured by this, I don't know that I teach bullshit", responded Hinckley. "I think that's more of an impression than anything else. I don't know that I even know what bullshit is, or even if I know whether I know that other people might know what bullshit is, or whether they might know whether I might know that someone else knows that another person produces nothing but bullshit".

Pendleton will have the assistance of scientists from the Agricultural Science department in determining the quality of bullsh*t produced by him and other scholars working at the Center for Bullshit. "They will be a help, for sure. But you have to remember - my colleagues and I have been producing bullshit for so long, that it literally is the only thing we know how to produce anymore. We couldn't stop even if we wanted to.

I mean, have you seen the latest FARMS 'Question of the Week' about Lehi's tribal affiliation? That is nothing but 100%, Grade A, World Class bullshit. No, the Ag Science guys don't have anything to worry about."

BYU has already applied for accreditation in offering an undergraduate degree in "Mormon Apologetic Bullshit". Mark Foster of the Accreditation Committee commented that "for years, BYU has struggled to maintain its accreditation. We are pleased therefore to note that we know of no 'professors' more able to provide an undergraduate education in bullshit than Dr. Pendleton and his colleagues. For decades, their bullshit production has been nothing short of prodigious, and they have kept their bullshit 100% pure".


March 11, 2008


LDS Members To Be Granted "Emeritus" Status

Fred Pecker, Mormon apostate cheers his new emeritus status.

by substrate - AP - Apostate News

Salt Lake City -

The LDS church announced today a new program granting emeritus status to members who fall outside of traditional activity.

"As the church continues to grow at a fast pace, many of its members find themselves unable to maintain church activity for a variety of reasons," said spokesman Dan LeFevered. "Always sensitive to the needs of the members, the brethren have fasted and prayed for guidance and have been inspired to grant these nontraditional members 'emeritus' status."

Currently, statistics are kept on those who do not attend a church meeting in a given quarter. From this point on, LeFevered explained, members who do not attend a meeting in a given quarter will be termed "members emeritus."

Emeritus members will be counted as members in the annual statistical report, but they will not be counted towards activity rates.

"Isn't it marvelous?" said church president Thomas S. Monson in a written statement. "Instantly we have the highest activity rate of any religion in the world: 100%."

LeFevered explained that activity rates will be calculated from members who attend a meeting at least once quarterly, so in effect, all who are counted are considered active. And those who do not attend are considered "emeritus" and will not count.

When asked about those who resign their membership in the church, LeFevered responded, "We don't think there's a need for that drastic a step. Rather than go through the difficult process of writing a letter, members can simply choose to grant themselves emeritus status."

LeFevered went on to say that the new program is retroactive to the beginning of the church. "We have sent out millions of letters to former members notifying them of the change to their status."

Fred Pecker, professional anti-Mormon, reached by phone in Washington State, expressed outrage intially at the new policy. "Yeah, I got my letter welcoming me back into the kingdom. But I've been thinking about it. Maybe it's time for me to come back, anyway. I'm going to call my bishop today."

LeFevered explained that the new status would also take the place of disciplinary councils, which had been taking up too much of church leaders' time. "It's much easier for a stake president to click an 'emeritus' button on a computer than it is to convene a high council to try a case."

He went on to say that leaders have wide discretion as to how to use emeritus status. "It could be for serious transgression, or it could just be to rein in people who are, you know, a little off."

Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor Daniel Midgley-Welch explained that this system has its roots in the Mosaic practice of counting membership by tribe and family, such that no one was left out. "We even see echoes of this in the census that played a prominent role in the Savior's birth in Nazareth."

Midgley-Welch expressed bewilderment that he and the entire staff at FARMS have received letters from the First Presidency granting them emeritus status. "Maybe they think we need more time to research the gospel. That's just like the brethren, always thinking of us."

"Yeah, sure, if that's how they want to look at it," said LeFevered.


March 11, 2008

So Called Slavery by BYU professor.

BYU Historian Releases Controversial Book

Garloy P. Hendricks and his book create controversy in and around the Happy Valley Plantation.

by Tal B - CNN - Christian Negro News -

Salt Lake City -

A book reinterpreting the history of American slavery by a Brigham Young University historian is generating controversy even prior to its release.

The book, entitled "So-called 'Slavery': A Re-evaluation of Cooperative Christian Service", and written by BYU historian and Mormon apologist Garloy P. Hendricks, is a "travesty", according to noted historian David McCullough. In an interview, McCullough said that Hendricks' "remorseless distortion of fact and selective blindless, only to bolster up his shocking justification of slavery as 'the Lord's way' and 'not really that bad', has left a stain on the entire discipline of history".

Hendricks seemed cheerfully unrepentant. "Everyone has a 'bias'", said Hendricks. "Mine is towards the Lord's prophets, and I make no bones about that. And the Lord's prophets, most prominently Brigham Young, have been very clear on the benign nature of the so-called 'enslavement' of negroes." Hendricks accused his critics of operating on "totally outmoded assumptions".

"People like McCullough still believe in 'scientific history', championed a century ago by the now discredited historian Leopold von Ranke. But guess what? The past isn't 'what happened'. WE create the past. And the historians I most respect, with-it guys like Richard Bushman, Davis Bitton and to an even greater degree, David Irving, know that. And I might add that at least two apostles, Elder Dallin H. Oaks and President Boyd K. Packer, fully endorse this approach, especially in the writing of Mormon history. So I feel like I am in very good company".

Many historians were quick to disagree. "That no one has a 'God's eye view' of the past, doesn't mean that one can willfully detach oneself from the anchors of evidence and fact", said University of California historian Victor Davis Hanson. "Otherwise, there is no difference between writing history and writing a novel. Unfortunately, that is exactly what Hendricks has done."

Among the most controversial statements in the book are Hendricks' assertions that "five minutes in any ghetto is enough to prove Brigham Young right when he said that 'the negro is incapable of governing himself'"; "cooperative Christian servants were, virtually without exception, happy with their lot, as evidenced by all their singing and dancing"; "the corporal punishment of CCS's for stealing chickens was no different than our contemporary imprisonment of negro armed robbers"; "if CCS's didn't really like 'cooperative Christian service' so much, why did they all become Christian like their masters?"; and "in managing their CCS's, owners obeyed Christ's injunction to treat others as you wish to be treated".

"How can a slave MASTER have obeyed the golden rule when treating his SLAVES?", asked Hoover Institute scholar Shelby Steele. "Being a slavemaster already means you've disregarded the golden rule entirely".

Many historians are particularly outraged by Hendricks' refusal to call slavery "slavery" (he refers to it generally as "cooperative Christian service"). Hendricks, however, denies the charge that slavery is slavery.

"So-called 'slavery' was not always 'slavery'. What McCullough is NOT telling you is that there were many, many, many different meanings to the word 'slavery' back in the 1800's. In fact, slavery was a term that could also mean 'the holy ghost' whenever salamanders bit people. It could also mean 'translation' when Joseph's scribes made a mistake writing down Egyptian. Moreover, McCullough is not telling you that the negro cooperative Christian servants WERE 'christians', that they DID 'cooperate', and that their work DID constitute 'service'. Therefore, the phrase 'cooperative Christian service' is absolutely accurate. I think all these secular anti-Mormons will have to try harder than that".

In a related story, Hendricks' colleagues at FARMS are about to publish a book arguing that it was never official Mormon doctrine that the Native Americans were the blood descendants of Lehi.


March 08, 2008

Satan sues Mormon Church.

Lawsuit Against LDS Church Deemed Evil

Satan gleefully heads towards the Third District Court House praying his upbeat attitude will convince jurors that he is not really "all that bad."

by substrate - AP - Apostate Press

Salt Lake City -

Prince of Darkness Satan (also known as Lucifer) announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for defamation of character.

"It's ridiculous," the cloven-footed dark lord said, sipping a diet Coke at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. "Everything that goes wrong in the world they blame on me. What the hell? Excuse me, but there's supposed to be opposition in all things. That's not my fault."

Satan took particular issue with the depiction of him as a glory-seeking primadonna in LDS scripture. "Heavenly Father asked for a volunteer to help save humanity. No one else said anything, so I raised my hand. I bounced a few ideas off the old man, and suddenly I'm getting banished from heaven. What did I do wrong? I never said anything about giving me the glory, and Jesus, that suck-up, never said anything about giving glory to God. I think Joseph Smith had it in for me."

Lawyers for Lucifer intend to prove that there has been systematic and continuous libel against their client since the beginnings of Mormonism. "Even in the First Vision, Joseph blames me for binding his tongue. Hello? He had a peanut allergy, and Mother Smith had made some cookies. But I get blamed. And then there's that whole river incident. Joseph's canoe overturns, and suddenly I have dominion over the water. How convenient! And Wilford Woodruff couldn't even have a bad dream without pointing the finger at me."

Of particular concern is a passage in the Book of Moses where Satan is depicted throwing a temper tantrum complete with foot stamping and gnashing of teeth. "Never happened," said his lordship. "I hear Joseph took some laudanum before writing that passage. Wouldn't be the first time, or the last. Either way, it still hurts. My kids get teased about it at school. I'll never live that down."

"I'm an even-tempered guy," mused the devil. "My friends tell me that they don't recognize me in the church's descriptions. To them, I'm that nice guy who invites them over for barbecues and participates in the book club, not the malevolent spirit depicted in Mormonism. I'd much rather talk about wine-tasting and gardening than tempation and evil."

Satan also expressed annoyance at the way he is portrayed in the LDS temple film. "I thought the grinning guy in the 1969 film was bad enough, but Michael F&@!ing Ballam? I'm Satan, for God's sake. Imagine Clint Eastwood saying, 'I reign from the rivers to the ends of the earth!' Now that would be cool. But no, they had to get some guy who sounds like Sideshow Mel. And I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught dead in that silver robe. I'd eat the @!$#@ fruit before I'd wear anything like that."

The plaintiff seeks unspecified damages for pain, anguish, and financial loss. Attorneys representing the church were confident that an amicable settlement could be reached: "So far, we have on the table a spot in the Quorum of Twelve when one opens; barring that, maybe he'd take a mission presidency."

Attorneys for Satan scoffed at the idea: "He's already got most of the Twelve on his payroll. Why would he want that?"


March 11, 2008


God Joins Satan in Lawsuit Against Church

God and Satan kiss and make up in order to sue the Mormon Church.

by Tal B - UPI - Underworld Priestcraft International

Salt Lake City -

In a stunning development today, God has teamed up with his traditional adversary, Satan, in suing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for slander and defamation of character.

In a jointly authored press release, God and Satan stated that "the LDS church has been allowed to profane both of our names for long enough. We regret it had to come to this, but repeated attempts on the part of God to contact Mormon President Gordon B. Hinckley, to try to resolve this amicably, were entirely unsuccessful".

"Everytime I tried to get through, he was in meetings talking about his next big birthday party, his next temple, his latest Bonneville numbers, his new PR strategies, his new theme park 'HinckleyLand' (,, and also "MegaloMormonLand" ( and what not. I finally gave up", said a frustrated God, at a press conference held at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles.

Lawyers for both filed a revised lawsuit in Los Angeles County Courthouse, naming both as co-plaintiffs.

"First, this guy Joseph says I'm his 'right hand man'. Then he says he has more to boast of than any man who ever lived, including my earthly incarnation Jesus, who suffered for the sins of all mankind! Then the guy violates pretty much every one of the Ten Commandments I hand-inscribed for the Israelites. Then the guy plagiarizes a totally pagan Masonic temple ceremony and says I authorized it. Then he tells everyone that I sent a homicidal angel who forced him on pain of death to start having sex with the wives and daughters of his friends. The guy even deflowered his own foster daughters. And he did it all in my name - and that is WRONG. I had no choice but to arrange for his assassination in 1844, since US law at that time was simply not adequate for dealing with my complaints at the time. But now that it is, I am right here with Satan. Everything I have always stood for has been mocked by Joseph Smith and his church. I mean, these new guys are now trying to COVER UP all of Joseph's horrific behaviour, and that makes them complicit in it! No, this must stop, and must stop now. I demand legal redress".

Mormon apologist Garloy P. Hendricks responded to God's allegations by stating that "God is only God when he is speaking as such. In this case, he is obviously not speaking as such, so we encourage all Latter-day Saints to go right back to sleep".

March 11, 2008


Mormon Church Sues Itself

Mormon Church law firm attorneys are forced to represent themselves agains themselves because no other attorneys in Utah will take their cases.

by Tal B - AP - Attorney's Pissed-off

Salt Lake City -

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that, in response to the lawsuit launched against it by God and Satan, it will be filing suit against itself.

"A few factors prompted this decision", said church attorney Shay D'Anbottoff. "One is, we found out that the God/Satan case would be tried in LA County, where there are many potential jurors who are descendants of Cain, the first murderer; and we all know that many of these negro-type people are either very religious or very evil, so that between God and Satan, the entire negro population of Los Angeles would be rooting for someone. We also know that a lot of these negro types still feel anger towards Mormons, just because our prophets said slavery was great for the negro man. But the clincher was when we found out that God had resurrected Johnnie Cochrane from the dead in order to represent him in front of all these people. So, we are very clear on where this is heading".

The church has therefore decided to sue itself in order to recover the punitive damages which it will certainly have to pay out in the God/Satan case. "Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor, Joseph Fielding Smith, Mark E. Petersen, Spencer W. Kimball, 'Nephi', 'Moroni', the D&C Jesus, the PGP version of 'Abraham' - all of these people, real and otherwise, have said and done things which, to speak frankly, have made it impossible to retain any hope of tenability for our truth and authority claims", said D'Anbottoff. "And yet, we cannot rid ourselves of them. We are stuck. The least the church can do is try to recover some damages from itself".

Church observers noted that Mormon cannibalization efforts, while appearing strange and self-defeating to those unfamiliar with Mormonism, are in fact regular practice.

"Oh, this goes without saying", said Jack Daines, editor of Mormon magazine "Mormon Liberals Who Are Too Spineless To Let Go Of The Cult And So Spend Their Lives Complaining About It While They're Raising Their Kids In It". "I mean, just look at things like the Limited Geography Theory, which attempts to salvage the credibility of Joseph Smith by requiring people to disbelieve Joseph Smith. It's like a trapped raccoon trying to eat itself to stay alive. What's amazing is that a lot of members are so blind that they can't even see this is what they're doing".

Church spokesman Dale Bills confirmed that church attorneys D'Anbottoff, Klaus Etflaymer, and Holly Owtastep would, in addition to prosecuting the case against the church, would also be defending the church against the charges. "I am super certain that we will be having a FIELD day!", said Etflaymer. "We have a super strong case, and I will guarantee that we will be INCREDIBLY successful!". When asked whether he was referring to the prosecution or defense case, he replied, "Both!".

When asked to comment on what appeared to be an embarrassing contradiction, FARMS director Garloy P. Hendricks, author of the book "Anything Can Become Anything", said, "I don't see a problem here at all".


March 11, 2008

Satan sues Mormon Church over temple movie.

Satan sues for royalties from temple movie - claims breach of contract

Satan aka Lucifer appears much like his elder brother, Jesus H Christ. The Evil One hopes his Hollywood good looks will endear him to the jury.

by T-bone - CNN - Church Nasty News

Salt Lake City -

Lawyers for Satan filed a suit in Federal Court today against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, seeking damages for breach of contract. Satan's agent helped him get a deal to play himself in the temple ceremony, in which Satan plays an integral part. He was promised 10% of all revenue. Then, church officials decided not to charge for the movie.

Said Satan's lawyer, "The LDS church is actually charging tithing as a requirement to enter the temple. So Satan is entitled to 10% of all tithing collected by the LDS church. This actually works out better than if they had paid him the original undisclosed sum." The LDS church has a history of changing conditions without warning upon signing a deal, as seen in what has widely become known as the 'milk before meat' lawsuits.

Along with the claim for lost income, Satan is considering demanding damages for defamation of character. "The narration that was added in post-production changes the script substantially to make it look like it's my fault that Adam and Eve were sent out into the lone and dreary world. That was not part of the script, and it has affected my ability to find work as an actor. Being typecast is bad enough, but they make it look like I flee because Peter held his arm to the square. In reality, I was running because the actor was trying to stay in character by not using deodorant."

Satan is also seeking reasonable attorney's fees. "I feel like I made a deal with, um, myself." Church lawyers were unavailable for comment.


August 8, 2007

The digit of the Lord in action.

FARMS Discovers Ancient USB Thummin Drive

Click image to view video of the Digit of the Lord in action.

by Blash - AP - Archaeological Prepostories

Provo - F.A.R.M.S. scholars have miraculously recovered an ancient USB Thummin Drive from the recently discovered petrified remains of the Trans-Pacific Barge within which the Brother of Jared (and his other Brother Jared) crossed the ocean with their families from the Holy Land to the Americas.

(BYU archeologists also expected to find a USB Urim Drive, but unfortunately it not been located and is presumed to have been stolen by a lost tribe of Goddamianton Robbers.)

The revelations digitally inscribed within the Thummin Drive have been uploaded and translated by scholars at BYU's Department of Ancient Folklore and Mythology Laundering Department and later identified by Gordon Hinckley as the Lost Stick of USB.

President Gordon B Hinckley's My Space. These ancient writings have been added as Holy Scripture to the Stick of Judah and the Stick of Joseph (not to be confused with the Trouser Tent Stick of Joseph Smith).

This amazing video clip that was recovered from the USB Thummin Drive showing the youthful Other Brother of Jared as a young Deacon being instructed digitally by the Lord Himself.

This is believed to be the only actual video footage of a historical Book of Mormon event.

If you look carefully, you should be able to see the Digit of the Lord in action as the Other Brother of Jared is prepared for that fateful day when the Trans-Pacific Barge Interior Illumination System would be revealed unto him (or unto his other brother).

After watching the video clip several times, President Hinckley called a press conference and announced that documented proof of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon had been discovered, and that faith would no longer be required for a belief in the Mormon Church.

President Hinckley revealed that he uploaded this historic video to YouTube and also added it to his personal MySpace page.


Comment Section

This page is really bad. Some of the Salamander Society stuff is good, but this is really p*** poor! - 03/05/2010 - Jist Visitin


If this site offends you, don't look at it. If you "KNOW" that your religion is true, what are you worried about? If you feel persecuted, perhaps you finally understand how your own religious intolerance has made your non-mormon neighbors feel for decades. If you can't take your own medicine, perhaps you should alter the prescription. The world is simply a mirror that reflects to each man his own face. Time to grow up and take responsibility for the shameful disrespect you have always displayed toward anyone who disagrees with you. - 10/22/2009 - KMA


Ahahahahaha this is too much. Thanks for the laughs, not just the page but the comments as well.

"you suck, the book of mormon is true"


Keep it up! - 10/19/2009 - fockinclassy


This is a bunch of ridiculously madeup information - 03/22/2009 - anon


Bravo -- A satirist strikes.

Not since J Golden Kimball have pieces been as right on as these.

Wake up oh-Zion you need a sense of humor (and a healthy dash of skepticism) to evolve! - 01/31/2009 - C. H. Mara


To remain anonymous in my reply would be extremely cowardly. According to the principles and values that our country was founded on, citizens have the right of free speech, but also the obligation of tolerance. And clearly every article and picture on this website is doctored and made up. It seems to me all the time that you have spent learning about the mormons and the cult flds, plus the time you have put in organizing it like a newsletter, has been poorly spent. You could have probably finished graduate school and have your doctorate and be doing things that help our world instead of just pollute it. You think that Harvard Law would accept this piece of trash to accept you? You have spent way too much time doing wrong and hurting people when you obviously have the potential to be a hardworking person. I am not asking you to change your beliefs, I just ask for the tolerance that is rightly ours as citizens of the U.S. Please respect our beliefs and the things that we hold holy. Please change your news letter and look around for the positive truthful things about life. Besides, how would you appreciate if someone were to spin lies around a little bit of truth about your family and then openly mock it? I am not saying that you are a bad person, I just ask for some respect. Thank You. - 12/23/2008 - Krista


I love how your photos practicely yell out "we were edited with photoshop cause we don't like the lds church!" I don't think I've ever seen someone push it this far. It's not that its even rude or disrespectful, it's the fact that its pure stupidity and only makes me laugh at whoever created. This website is a tribute to the common anti-mormon dumbass. - 12/22/2008 - Danny


This is dumb I dont get it Mormons are great - 12/20/2008 - Garrett


Your language and false claims reflects the people you are. You are a very sad case. - 12/05/2008 - anon


THIS IS A PRAYER AGAINST THIS WEBSITE ( AND ITS WEBMASTER (Prayers are literally effective because we will draw upon the powers of Heaven in request to bring this site finish it forever. To ALL LDS and those who believe in the rights of the LDS Church to peacefully exist, please add more prayers (while it is still up) not just trite frustrated comments. Do you believe in the power of prayer? Then we mus use it now becasue this site is evil and must be destroyed. We all need to pray to conquer this devil. With God's help we can destroy this site and the sinner who is behind it ... we'll call him "Mr. Salamander" for the slimy creature that he is).


Dear Father, please forgive this Mr. Salamander man for what he has done. Our prayer today is that this web site will be legally shut down by a legal miracle, perhaps by means of a copyright infringement and "fair use parody" violation; or a by freak accident and untimely death of its creator, Mr. Salamander. Your choice Father!

We prefer a complete retraction and full repentence by him (but that may be unlikely), but if that is not an option for Salamander man then use whatever means necessary to bring him down to the accident, cancer, heart attack...those remedies are all "OK" with us...whaterver it takes! No premeditated murder though, we just don't like prison.

It's in your hands Father. WE ARE SERIOUS!!!!! It is better that one man perish...(you know the rest). We pray that his awful perverted name, whatever it is, be exposed as the preditor that he is. Please keep him and his site away from all thy children, especially thy youger impressionable children. We have been given a stewardship by thee to keep them safe. We now ask that you do your part and take care of this "mess" in your vinyard and in your own way and due time.

This site contains extremely evil material. I testify that the Book of Mormon is another evidence that Joseph Smith was a true prophet. No one could write that amount sacred material and make it all precisely fit together the way it does this many years later. It is true. It is true. It is true.

We pray that President Monson will be inspired to take legal action from the Church against this evil person and hunt him down using every legal means to destroy his evil site. This site material is pornography of the worst kind and must be destroyed.

I leave my testimony here that I KNOW this Church and its ordinances are the work of the Son, Jesus Christ. It is true and know that Mr. Salamander will be eternally dammed for his participation in turning honest souls away from the truth.

Repent NOW Salamnder or your fate is in God's hands. If you don't believe that his will do anything...sorry for you! Father, we all expect this site to be taken down soon becasue this is our prayer and our heartfelt request of thee our God. We have the faith to move mountains and we have faith that thou will pronounce doom on the creator of this site.

We know that we have power over Satan and his henchmen. We expect his head to be crushed in mighty fury. The abominations created on the pages of his site should be enough to immediatley stop this evil man's heart and cause him to suffer eternal pain for what he has done. Please hear our prayers and bless us from deliverance from the evil fallout of his very wicked website. Please grant us the desire of our hearts and destroy this site in the name of Jesus Christ.

We believe that God answers all prayers. We beleive that when we ask with a sincere heart we will receive our request. Father, we are serious and we demonstrate TRUE faith in this action. We expect thee to be bound by eteranl laws and consider the righteous desires of our hearts.

This "trash" needs to go NOW and we have faith that it will be destroyed in a manner of thy choosing and hopefully in a matter of days. Thank you Father.

We call upon the angels of God and the powers from heaven to fulfill this request and might prayer. We call upon angels of God to visit the man known as Salamander and to rebuke him in thy holy name! We are pleased and so happy to be members of thy Son's true Church.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!

So there it is Salamander man. The "slimeball" which you are has been formally reported to God by way of prayer. We believe that He will answer this prayer. Now God Himslf will deal directly with you and your abominations. God heard our prayer and we believe He will act on it. We truly believe your days are numbered....We hope you enjoy the Hell that you deserve. Goodbye Minister of Satan (now go deal with it and REPENT!!!) - posted - 12/22/2008 orginally arrived 08/23/2008 - Children of God


To "limont24", who commented, back in the middle of February:

YESSIR! There are good people among 'any' dumb-ass religion. And, goodness, all by itself, may be a virtual--and true--sign of bliss: ignorant bliss!

So, when someone tells you to go and 'study out the hilarious and stupid lunacies' of the LDS Crutch, you just go ahead and shake your fist at them and pout, while repeating your own little mantra, "Ignorance is bliss; ignorance is bliss" (repeated 5000 times, ad nauseum). - 03/12/2008 - Yessir Arafats


Hilari-ass! (The pious and oh, so righteous comments from your TBM (True Believing Mormon) detractors - and your funny material, too!) Keep it coming! It helps ease the heartache after learning I WASTED 30+ years of my life actually believing the crap the LDS Church spewed on my previously weak-minded brain. - 03/12/2008 - GettinOverIt



You havent got anything better to do then make up crap about mormons! I happend to know alot of them and they are good people. Get a life! - 02/12/2008 - limont24


you suck, the book of mormon is true. - 03/01/2007 - fgfh


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