March 11, 2010
The president of the Seventh Day Adventist Church told a huge audience at Brigham Young University on Tuesday that Adventists and
Mormons must strive together against a growing Catholic tendency to pit priestly celibacy against objective truth, God ordained
marital relations and reproduction.
Nearly 12,000 students and faculty gathered at BYU's Marriott Center to hear Jan Paulsen, president of the world-wide
Seventh-day Adventist Church. Typically, such forums draw 3,000 or 4,000.
Besides shepherding 16 million Adventists around the globe, Paulsen has written numerous articles and papers and
is the author of the book entitled "When the Spirit Descends Into Politics - Using Fear and Loathing To Control
The Masses". Paulsen practices what he preaches by being married to Kari
Trykkerud and the couple has three adult children: Laila Paulsen Becejac, Jan-Rune, and Rein Andre.
He was invited to LDS Church-owned BYU, in part, because of his recent book articulating Adventists thinking about the church's
role in public policy and celibacy in Christian culture.
Elders Quentin L. Terratino and M. Russell Bullocks, members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Beavis H. Christ
of Latter-day Saints, and Larry Unterseher, President Nevada-Utah Conference of the Seventh-day Adventists, sat on the front row
of the dais with Paulsen. The two Adventists leaders were to meet with LDS leaders in Salt Lake City on Tuesday.
Paulsen noted that the two churches have worked together to alleviate poverty around the world; combat pornography; defend the
right to life for the unborn; and defend traditional marriage among church leaders as long as it no longer sanctions plural
marriage which is also known to Mormons as "spiritual wifery."
"I'm personally grateful," Paulsen said, "that, after 180 years of living mostly apart from one another,
Seventh-day Adventists and Latter-day Saints have come to see one another as trustworthy partners in the defense of shared moral
principles and the elimination of alternative lifestyles. Now if we can just pursuade our Catholic father-friends to start marrying
those nuns!"
Paulsen noted that both Seventh-day Adventists and Latter-day Saints are called to respect and love all people, including those
who are still silly and celebate, because they are children of God. If God were celibate we would not even be here.
"That doesn't mean we must approve of everything everyone does," said Paulsen, who later noted that his family, like many
a few others around the planet, does includes one celebate. "In fact, some of my best friends are celebate," Paulsen added proudly.
Freedom of religion, Paulsen said, is a fundamental right that cannot be reduced merely to a freedom to worship or freedom of
conscience, as some in the Vatican now advocate.
Such a limited notion of religious freedom is not the American tradition, he said. "It was the tradition of the Spanish
Inquisition."
True religious freedom, he said, includes "the obligation to exercise influence in the pubic sphere. If the priests
married nuns, Catholic growth rates would increase substantially. Catholicism growing is not the ideal but at least they
are Christians and we need all the help we can get to keep up with all those non-Christian movements out there."
Paulsen concluded his remarks by stating, "Look, if I can preach among the Mormons at their own univesity then anything is possible
in the eyes of God."
Adding laughter and lightmindedness Paulsen snorted, "I even promised to not poke fun at President Thomas S. Monson for we Seventh-day Adventists claiming 16 million
members to his puny 13.5 five million. Don't you like my cap better than those tiny caps you have to wear in your temples?"
Editor's Note: This is a parody created to point out the self-serving nature of the organized religion business. The president of the Seventh-day
Adventist Church never was invited to or spoke at BYU but a
Catholic Cardinal spoke at BYU in February 2009. The irony of a
celebate Catholic leader colluding with Mormons to support "traditional marriage" was somehow overlooked.
March 11, 2009
Mormon Church President, Thomas S. Monetarysum claims to have changed the course of Latter-day Saint history with his latest revelation directly from
the Lord.
During a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake Temple, Monetarysum became overwhelmed with "Big Love", gazed heaven ward and revelated: "Thus saith the Lord."
"Lo and behold, I am weary of my chosen people suffering persecution, ridicule and mockery at the hands and fingers of those on the Internet and the television.
Therefore I now spare from misery my beloved Latter-day Saints by declaring from on high, 'If we can't beat them, we will join them.'"
"I command that from this time forward and through all eternity my loyal servants will not only open the doors of my holy temple to the public, but will
open the financial books of my kingdom to the membership and the Internal Revenue Service."
"Out of darkness, secrets and shadows will come forth the light of reason, logic and common sense."
"I command my servant, Thomas S. Monetarysum to travel forth to the Catholics, the Hindus, the Jews, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the Fundamentalist LDS and the non-believers
and invite them to come unto Me and spiritually feast in one of my 150 temples around the world. Amen and Amen."
With that revelation closed, Monetarysum invited the media into the upper room of the Salt Lake Temple to participate in the first public
Temple Preparation Seminar while enjoying coffee, donuts and Pepsi.
Once inside, Monetarysum "turned the time over" to aspotle Boyd K Packaderm to teach the seminar.
After clearing his throat, Packaderm waxed eloquent as he explained.
"We have combined what the Masons started and what Joseph Smith improvised in Nauvoo with the production power of our new friends at Home Box Office into a
state of the art virtual reality temple endowment. I bear solemn witness my brothers and sisters, you will experience the 'WOW" in your endowment!"
In a demonstration of Packaderm's new found humility and doctrine of diversity, he called forth any and all so-called intellectuals, feminists and homosexuals
to come forward. Packer then proceeded to wash and annointed their feet.
Carried away by the Holy Spirit, Packaderm lead the congregation in singing the new temple preparation hymn, "A Few of My Endowment Things." (sung to the tune "A few of my favorite things" from the Sound of Music)
White caps on noggins and new names all written
Prayer roll names on alters they doodle
We in polyester with silly white sashes
When the Lord frights
[Repeat all verses and then return and report]
Official Church spokesperson, L. Don Edsel stated, "With our growth rate stagnate the past decade and our missionary force in reduction mode I am
relieved that the Lord finally saw fit to loosen things up around here. Even non-members will now be able to see and participate in the temple marriages of their
loved ones, rather than sit around for hours outside of the temple fuming in their angst againts us."
One Mormon who witnessed this event exclaimed, "Oh my heck, The Church is so true now I just can't believe it."
January 14, 2009
Top scientists at the Nuskin Labs in
Provo, Utah made an astonishing discovery today: Mr.
Clean's Magic Eraser is actually a polyproethylene
material with small ridges that can pick up and hold
dirt.
Dr. M. L. Marqueteer of the Lab explains, "There really was
never any mystery to the construction of the
sponge-like cleaner. It was just a matter of time
before we cracked the code on this one."
However, many users, mostly in Bountiful, Lehi, Logan and Provo, Utah, dispute that the Eraser is no less than a
"miracle".
Neighbor Danielle C. Peterson added, "Those who can't remove something
off the counter with this Magic Eraser just don't have
the faith to do so. Besides, this is the only product I've found that removes
those stubborn skid marks from my temple garments."
Dr. Marqueteer disagrees. "By using proven scientific
methodology and testing, we have determined that this
material is man-made and not actually "magic".
Believers in the sponge still cling to the faith that
the sponge contains "miracle-like" properties when it
comes to cleaning a surface.
For those who have tougher stains can opt for the new
"Extra Strength Magic Eraser" which, according to
Danielle, contains even more magical powers than the
original eraser. "Obviously, Mr. Clean was able to
collect more magic material and put it into a small
package."
Others users have been quite distraught with the
discovery, grudgingly admitting that the sponge is
just another gimmick to get their money.
Steve Benson and Randy Jordan are just two users who are helping others cope
with the discovery.
Benson and Jordan comment that many feel they have been betrayed by false
hopes and now seek help coping. They also claims they are
not trying to lead people away to their ideas, but are
just providing a forum for users to "let go."
Rumors remain unconfirmed that Boyd K Packer was introducing the product into the "washing and annointing" temple ceremony to expedite the "scrubbing away of the blood
and sins of this generation."
Phone calls to the Genie, Mr. Clean, were not returned.
December 16, 2008
President Thomas S Monson, prophet, seer and real estator of the Mormon Church failed to become the first martyr of his faith since
Joseph Smith by dodging not only hositle questions but powerful projectiles thrown at him today in downtown Baghdad.
The attack upon Monson manifested itself as he called a press conference to announce to the Arab World his intentions to construct
a Mormon Temple on the site of the ancient Tower of Babel and a BYU Study Abroad Campus on the site of the ancient Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
This perceived arrogance proved too much for Iraqi reporter Mohammed Moriancomur, who stood and agrily heaved his two size fifteen shoes directly
at Monson's head.
The Blackwater Danite division of United states Security swarmed the assailant, restrained him and then transported him to a local detention.
Mr. Moriancomur will soon stand trail in a LDS court of Love to be presided over by Boyd K Packer who is know for his support of Blood Atonement
preached by Brigham Young.
The swelling to Monson's nose appeared to be minimal due to the already huge size of his priesthood proboscis.
Monson was immediately rushed to the airport and flow back to Salt Lake City aboard the Huntsman Corporate jet.
With President George W Bush and now Monson being attacked by shoe throwers lately, Church Security insiders are encouraging Monson to wear a hockey
mask or baseball catcher's mask when he addresses the congregation at the next General Conference.
As word spread of the new temple and new BYU campus announcement local Iraqi citizens protested by pulling down a large bronze statue of Joseph Smith that
had been constructed by the Utah National Guard in honor of Monson's arrival in Baghdad.
This rage coincided with the disovery of a golden Angel Moroni secretly placed atop a local mosque by over zealous, clandestine Mormons who have been
serving church missions to teach English to the Iraqi people.
The Mormon Church's public relations firm, Edleman Worldwide Inc. has come under fire by True Believing Mormons (TBM's) for the public humilation Monson has
suffered due the negative attention of the California Proposition 8 and now this poorly timed temple announcement in Baghdad.
Monson's planned trip to Washington D.C. to request a "bail out" from Congress for the LDS Church due to lagging tithing returns due to the poor economy, has been
postponed a week or two until this current fiasco dies down.
Edleman Worldwide is suggesting that Monson not take the Huntsman corporate jet, but rather trek to Washington via handcart through winter blizzard to
show his sincerity and desperation.
December 15, 2008
Bishop Mason of Smallgrove, ID, shouting and red faced, threw an adult member, Brother Gunnerson of the Smallgrove First Ward congregation out of their
Sacrament Meeting for drinking what the bishop thought was coffee from a small thermos.
The alleged transgression resulted in the member being put on "probation" for satisfying his thirst in a sacred church meeting.
Gunnerson's wife and seven children left the meeting in tears without being able to partake of the holy sacrament.
Gunnerson says it was a joke, that it was not coffee (the Mormon religion's banned substance) but a smell-alike alternative, Postum that is regularly served at
Mormon functions
However, there is no system for redress of grievances, and even the "look (or in this case the smell) of evil" results in the Lord's condemnation
which is to be carried out by the local Bishop.
Specifics of the "probation" are to be detailed in a private priesthood meeting described as a "court of love" with Gunnerson on Wednesday.
October 18, 2008
The LDS Church has announced that Thomas S. Monson has had his
first revelation
since being sustained as Prophet Seer and Revelator. This revelation is regarding
the lost souls who wish to stay lost and do not choose
to "Endure to the End."
This is an inspired program updating their policy to expedite the Exit Process for
Mormons who don't want to be members anymore.
An unidentified source confirms that the Confidential Membership Department of the
LDS Church can no longer handle the thousands of letters. The process needed
to be stream lined. "We don't recognize resignation in the LDS Church."
he said. "We think eternally."
He confirmed they had expanded the offices several times in the last few years.
He would not confirm a specific number working in the offices. He did say the department
had both employees and volunteers handling the letters. He said that reading the
letters took much too long and they are loosing employees because they have lost
their testimony. Turn over was high. He wouldn't say how high. Another unwanted
side effect was the burden on the church optometrists for continued corrective lenses
for the employees.
The new inspired program starts November 1, 2008. Any member of the LDS Church
who does not want to be a Mormon anymore can Unsubscribe their Membership with just
a few key questions and a click of their computer mouse.
This is a confidential, secure site. Only pertinent information is asked: baptized
members names and birth dates, children of record birth dates, current addresses
and an email address.
Other information, if known, would be helpful: Unit Number and Membership number,
if Endowed Members, date of marriage or endowment, but is not necessary.
Comments Section is limited 250 characters.
The Unsubscribe process will take approximately 24 to 48 hours with confirmation
sent to the email address listed.
If the member has sent in a letter resigning their membership to the LDS church
on a local level, or into our office, there is no need to make further contact.
PLEASE use the new inspired program. The Unsubscribe Process is all that is necessary.
Please. NO PHONE CALLS.
The new web page can be accessed at:LDS Church.net/unsubscribe
We love our fellow members, would prefer to have them back in the fold,
however, we recognize they have their Agency, and if they choose to opt out of the
Plan of Salvation, they may do so.
April 23, 2008
In a new twist in the unfolding child-custody drama, FLDS spokesman Wilford Orsen Barlow read a 'revelation' from jailed leader Warren Jeffs, commanding his followers to end the "earthly" practice of plural marriage and ordering temple officials to cease "temporal" sealings of men to more than one wife. Following the announcement, Barlow plead to the assembled state officials and press,
"There. Now we're just like the other Mormons. Can we please have our kids back?"
When informed of the statement, a senior Texas law-enforcement official had this reply, on condition of anonymity:
"Besides, the sooner we get them young'ens into good Christian homes, the better. They need raised proper. They need to know the Good Book is the complete, unerring word of God, That anyone who tells 'em we evolved from monkeys is preachin' a false religion, and that a daily whuppin' is a blessing. After all, the end times are apon us and the rapture will be here any day."
Attempts to contact LDS president Thomas S. Monson were unsuccessful. However, Apostle Quentin L. Cook issued the following statement:
"This so-called manifesto makes absolutely no difference. We have nothing in common with these strange people who unfortunately chose to call themselves Mormons. Just look--they wear funny dresses and they don't even have two-piece garments. And look at their so-called temple. Who designed it, Fleetwood Homes? We have better architects."
April 9, 2008
Mormons who have strayed from their faith or who have been taken into protective custody by the state were invited to return to the fold Sunday
in a joint statement by the leaders of Mormonism's two best-known sects.
"Come back," President Thomas S. Monson and polygamist prophet Warren Jeffs said in their first statement since Monson took over The Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in February and Jeffs, head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-day Saints, began serving
his 10 years to life sentence for rape in November of 2007.
Members of both sects are ready to welcome "the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor" into fellowship, they said. While
Monson has stated his interest in having everyone return, Jeffs acknowledged that his sect has a particular interest in reclaiming "the young
and the female."
April 1, 2008
A Salt Lake City woman filed a civil suit against LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson for harassment. Martha Anderson, 72, complained in papers filed in Municipal Court, that Monson has engaged in a pattern of stalking and harassment over the last two years.
"I had just moved into the neighborhood," Anderson recounts, "and word must have gotten out that I'm a recent widow. One day a portly, elderly man appeared on my doorstep and told me he'd noticed my parakeets. Now, mind you, my parakeets are in a room facing the back yard, so immediately I wondered how this man knew about the parakeets? Had he been watching me? For how long?"
Monson, the suit alleges, offered to care for the parakeets upon Mrs. Anderson's death. "I've been in the neighborhood two days, and he starts speaking ominously about my impending death. What was I supposed to make of that?" she said, shuddering slightly at the thought. "I told him to get off my property, or I'd call the police."
Anderson thought that would be the end of it, but it was just the beginning. "I'd come home from work, and he'd be mowing my lawn or bringing me flowers. Once he brought about 25 kids over to paint the house. They didn't ask, and they did a crappy job. And I hate blue."
Eventually, a frustrated Mrs. Anderson phoned church headquarters to complain about the harassment. "The secretaries just gushed about his kindly service and said I should feel really blessed to have attracted his attention. No one took me seriously until I got a restraining order."
Despite the restraining order, the harassment continued: "Cookies and casseroles kept coming. He replanted my flower beds three times. He even went after my grandson. Brandon was pretty shaken up by the experience. He said that this creepy man had jumped out from behind my apple tree and tried to shove a train set into his hands. He told me he thought he was being abducted."
Salt Lake City police refused to enforce the restraining order. "Why would anyone refuse the personal ministry of a prophet of God?" asked an incredulous Sergeant Bob Jensen. "She should feel honored."
Monson's office issued a terse statement: "President Monson is widely known to have maintained a quiet personal ministry to the sick, the afflicted, and the widowed. We are saddened that anyone might take offense at his unselfish and Christlike service."
As she filed the suit this morning, Mrs. Anderson was firm and unapologetic. "I had hoped it wouldn't go this far, but someone has to put a stop to it. Think of all the defenseless widows who have suffered in silence from this insidious stalking. It's time to break the cycle."
March 18, 2008
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
has released several new products from the LDS Temple Underwear
(garment) division which they hope will help members remember their
sacred obligations and covenants.
"Each time they
use a product, it will remind them of their sacred and holy
covenants to the Lord."
The new products include a hemorrhoidal gel that have actually
been blessed and set apart in temple prayer circles.
"With every
application, one is reminded of the power of God."
Another product that has been released is a set of toothbrushes
that remind the user of the sacred covenants made in the temple
such as obedience, garments, tithing and chastity.
LDS bishop,
Ramsey Roberts likes the new products. "Every day, I reach for a
brush that highlights something I feel I need to work on," he says.
"Today I chose ?obedience' because I failed to read the
scriptures. Yesterday, I chose the purple brush. It's great to
have these reminders in hand."
One of the more controversial products is a framed wall picture of
a slit throat which reminds the viewer of the very serious nature
of temple covenants. "Yes," says Jorgensen, "the temple covenants
are, indeed, very serious. Although we no longer threaten in the
temple to slit throats or disembowel our members for covenant
breaking, it is still implied."
As successful as these new products seem to be, it is likely that
additional products will be made available in the future.
March 12, 2008
Richard Stroker, head of the LDS Church's Research and Development Group had the
following to say:
"These faith-promoting stories led us to ponder how we could help make the world
in general a safer place."
"The church is now pleased to announce its new line of protective body armor for
both law enforcement, and the military. It is extremely lightweight, and it is
completely impervious to bullets, explosions, poisonous snakes, and fiery darts
from the adversary."
A source in the research department revealed to us that the church is preparing
to release a whole slew of other related items made with the same holy fabric including
black boxes for airplanes, athletic cups, and football helmets.
A private phone interview with an anonymous employee of the church revealed that
one of their testers unfortunately did die during product testing. After an internal
investigation, the Church came to the conclusion that the body armor failed because
the tester had not paid a full tithe the previous quarter. Also, links were found
on his computer to anti-Mormon sites such as SalamanderSociety.com.
When asked about this incident, Brother Stroker had no comment.
Church President Thomas S. Monson remains very upbeat about the endeavor and had the
following to say, "I am extremely pleased about Brother Strokers new line of armor.
This is his greatest invention since the paper sacrament cup."
March 11, 2008
BYU President Cecil O. Samuelson today announced that
the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies
(FARMS) will be assimilated into the newly formed BYU
Department of Bullshit.
"We are excited by this development", said Samuelson.
"For too long, FARMS has been the only group of
scholars here focusing exclusively on producing
bullshit. With the creation of this new department and
the appointment of former FARMS scholar DonLoy Q.
Pendleton as department head and Hugh Nibley Chair of
Remorseless, Unremitting, and Total Bullshit, we feel
we are in position now to create more bullshit than
any other university on earth. It is a thrilling
time".
New department chair Pendleton said he was "very
pleased". "For years now, I and my illustrious
colleagues have spent nearly every waking moment of
every day thinking up new bullshit defense strategies
- cryptograms, mnemonic devices, 'scribes did it',
listing typographical errors, word redefintions, the
whole bit. And often, sad to say, we have done so with
little or no appreciation from administrators. I am
very gratified that our endeavours in bullshit are now
being recognized and rewarded".
Mormon multi-millionaire and hotel magnate Willard
Marriot, Jr., provided the financial backing for the
department's creation. In a prepared statement read by
Samuelson, the BYU president praised Marriott for "his
lifelong dedication to bullshit high and deep. Serving
as a Temple President, for example, while making
millions selling hardcore pornography in every one of
his hotel rooms, is a spectacular example of just the
kind of bullshit we are so excited about. I am certain
he will be able to provide much assistance in our
production of bullshit for many years to come".
Marriott declined to have the new department building
named after him, instead asking that it be named
"after the most incredible bullshitter I have ever had
the good fortune to meet, even more of one than my
good friend Larry Flynt - Gordon B. Hinckley". The
Gordon B. Hinckley Center for Remorseless,
Unremitting, and Total Bullsh*t will open its doors
for the Fall 2008 semester.
"I know when I'm beat",
said Marriott. "Asking members if they keep the law of
chastity as a stake president, while my hotels are
selling hardcore pornography so I can make millions, I
used to think was some big bullsh*t. But Hinckley's
bullshitted Mike Wallace, Time Magazine, Larry King,
his own late wife, and all the members! Now THAT is
some serious bullshit!".
"While I am deeply honoured by this, I don't know that
I teach bullshit", responded Hinckley. "I think that's
more of an impression than anything else. I don't know
that I even know what bullshit is, or even if I know
whether I know that other people might know what
bullshit is, or whether they might know whether I
might know that someone else knows that another person
produces nothing but bullshit".
Pendleton will have the assistance of scientists from
the Agricultural Science department in determining the
quality of bullsh*t produced by him and other scholars
working at the Center for Bullshit. "They will be a
help, for sure. But you have to remember - my
colleagues and I have been producing bullshit for so
long, that it literally is the only thing we know how
to produce anymore. We couldn't stop even if we wanted
to.
I mean, have you seen the latest FARMS 'Question
of the Week' about Lehi's tribal affiliation?
That is nothing but 100%,
Grade A, World Class bullshit. No, the Ag Science guys
don't have anything to worry about."
BYU has already applied for accreditation in offering
an undergraduate degree in "Mormon Apologetic
Bullshit". Mark Foster of the Accreditation Committee
commented that "for years, BYU has struggled to
maintain its accreditation. We are pleased therefore
to note that we know of no 'professors' more able to
provide an undergraduate education in bullshit than
Dr. Pendleton and his colleagues. For decades, their
bullshit production has been nothing short of
prodigious, and they have kept their bullshit 100%
pure".
March 11, 2008
The LDS church announced today a new program granting
emeritus status to members who fall outside of
traditional activity.
"As the church continues to grow at a fast pace, many
of its members find themselves unable to maintain
church activity for a variety of reasons," said
spokesman Dan LeFevered. "Always sensitive to the
needs of the members, the brethren have fasted and
prayed for guidance and have been inspired to grant
these nontraditional members 'emeritus' status."
Currently, statistics are kept on those who do not
attend a church meeting in a given quarter. From this
point on, LeFevered explained, members who do not
attend a meeting in a given quarter will be termed
"members emeritus."
Emeritus members will be counted as members in the
annual statistical report, but they will not be
counted towards activity rates.
"Isn't it marvelous?" said church president Thomas S. Monson in a written statement. "Instantly we have
the highest activity rate of any religion in the
world: 100%."
LeFevered explained that activity rates will be
calculated from members who attend a meeting at least
once quarterly, so in effect, all who are counted are
considered active. And those who do not attend are
considered "emeritus" and will not count.
When asked about those who resign their membership in
the church, LeFevered responded, "We don't think
there's a need for that drastic a step. Rather than go
through the difficult process of writing a letter,
members can simply choose to grant themselves emeritus
status."
LeFevered went on to say that the new program is
retroactive to the beginning of the church. "We have
sent out millions of letters to former members
notifying them of the change to their status."
Fred Pecker, professional anti-Mormon, reached by
phone in Washington State, expressed outrage intially
at the new policy. "Yeah, I got my letter welcoming me
back into the kingdom. But I've been thinking about
it. Maybe it's time for me to come back, anyway. I'm
going to call my bishop today."
LeFevered explained that the new status would also
take the place of disciplinary councils, which had
been taking up too much of church leaders' time. "It's
much easier for a stake president to click an
'emeritus' button on a computer than it is to convene
a high council to try a case."
He went on to say that leaders have wide discretion as
to how to use emeritus status. "It could be for
serious transgression, or it could just be to rein in
people who are, you know, a little off."
Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor Daniel
Midgley-Welch explained that this system has its roots
in the Mosaic practice of counting membership by tribe
and family, such that no one was left out. "We even
see echoes of this in the census that played a
prominent role in the Savior's birth in Nazareth."
Midgley-Welch expressed bewilderment that he and the
entire staff at FARMS have received letters from the
First Presidency granting them emeritus status. "Maybe
they think we need more time to research the gospel.
That's just like the brethren, always thinking of us."
"Yeah, sure, if that's how they want to look at it,"
said LeFevered.
March 11, 2008
A book reinterpreting the history of American slavery
by a Brigham Young University historian is generating
controversy even prior to its release.
The book, entitled "So-called 'Slavery': A
Re-evaluation of Cooperative Christian Service", and
written by BYU historian and Mormon apologist Garloy
P. Hendricks, is a "travesty", according to noted
historian David McCullough. In an interview,
McCullough said that Hendricks' "remorseless
distortion of fact and selective blindless, only to
bolster up his shocking justification of slavery as
'the Lord's way' and 'not really that bad', has left a
stain on the entire discipline of history".
Hendricks seemed cheerfully unrepentant. "Everyone has
a 'bias'", said Hendricks. "Mine is towards the Lord's
prophets, and I make no bones about that. And the
Lord's prophets, most prominently Brigham Young, have
been very clear on the benign nature of the so-called
'enslavement' of negroes." Hendricks accused his
critics of operating on "totally outmoded
assumptions".
"People like McCullough still believe in 'scientific
history', championed a century ago by the now
discredited historian Leopold von Ranke. But guess
what? The past isn't 'what happened'. WE create the
past. And the historians I most respect, with-it guys
like Richard Bushman, Davis Bitton and to an even
greater degree, David Irving, know that. And I might
add that at least two apostles, Elder Dallin H. Oaks
and President Boyd K. Packer, fully endorse this
approach, especially in the writing of Mormon history.
So I feel like I am in very good company".
Many historians were quick to disagree. "That no one
has a 'God's eye view' of the past, doesn't mean that
one can willfully detach oneself from the anchors of
evidence and fact", said University of California
historian Victor Davis Hanson. "Otherwise, there is no
difference between writing history and writing a
novel. Unfortunately, that is exactly what Hendricks
has done."
Among the most controversial statements in the book
are Hendricks' assertions that "five minutes in any
ghetto is enough to prove Brigham Young right when he
said that 'the negro is incapable of governing
himself'"; "cooperative Christian servants were,
virtually without exception, happy with their lot, as
evidenced by all their singing and dancing"; "the
corporal punishment of CCS's for stealing chickens was
no different than our contemporary imprisonment of
negro armed robbers"; "if CCS's didn't really like
'cooperative Christian service' so much, why did they
all become Christian like their masters?"; and "in
managing their CCS's, owners obeyed Christ's
injunction to treat others as you wish to be treated".
"How can a slave MASTER have obeyed the golden rule
when treating his SLAVES?", asked Hoover Institute
scholar Shelby Steele. "Being a slavemaster already
means you've disregarded the golden rule entirely".
Many historians are particularly outraged by
Hendricks' refusal to call slavery "slavery" (he
refers to it generally as "cooperative Christian
service"). Hendricks, however, denies the charge that
slavery is slavery.
"So-called 'slavery' was not always 'slavery'. What
McCullough is NOT telling you is that there were many,
many, many different meanings to the word 'slavery'
back in the 1800's. In fact, slavery was a term that
could also mean 'the holy ghost' whenever salamanders
bit people. It could also mean 'translation' when
Joseph's scribes made a mistake writing down Egyptian.
Moreover, McCullough is not telling you that the negro
cooperative Christian servants WERE 'christians', that
they DID 'cooperate', and that their work DID
constitute 'service'. Therefore, the phrase
'cooperative Christian service' is absolutely
accurate. I think all these secular anti-Mormons will
have to try harder than that".
In a related story, Hendricks' colleagues at FARMS are
about to publish a book arguing that it was never
official Mormon doctrine that the Native Americans
were the blood descendants of Lehi.
March 08, 2008
Prince of Darkness Satan (also known as Lucifer)
announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for
defamation of character.
"It's ridiculous," the cloven-footed dark lord said,
sipping a diet Coke at the Four Seasons in Los
Angeles. "Everything that goes wrong in the world they
blame on me. What the hell? Excuse me, but there's
supposed to be opposition in all things. That's not my
fault."
Satan took particular issue with the depiction of him
as a glory-seeking primadonna in LDS scripture.
"Heavenly Father asked for a volunteer to help save
humanity. No one else said anything, so I raised my
hand. I bounced a few ideas off the old man, and
suddenly I'm getting banished from heaven. What did I
do wrong? I never said anything about giving me the
glory, and Jesus, that suck-up, never said anything
about giving glory to God. I think Joseph Smith had it
in for me."
Lawyers for Lucifer intend to prove that there has
been systematic and continuous libel against their
client since the beginnings of Mormonism. "Even in the
First Vision, Joseph blames me for binding his tongue.
Hello? He had a peanut allergy, and Mother Smith had
made some cookies. But I get blamed. And then there's
that whole river incident. Joseph's canoe overturns,
and suddenly I have dominion over the water. How
convenient! And Wilford Woodruff couldn't even have a
bad dream without pointing the finger at me."
Of particular concern is a passage in the Book of
Moses where Satan is depicted throwing a temper
tantrum complete with foot stamping and gnashing of
teeth. "Never happened," said his lordship. "I hear
Joseph took some laudanum before writing that passage.
Wouldn't be the first time, or the last. Either way,
it still hurts. My kids get teased about it at school.
I'll never live that down."
"I'm an even-tempered guy," mused the devil. "My
friends tell me that they don't recognize me in the
church's descriptions. To them, I'm that nice guy who
invites them over for barbecues and participates in
the book club, not the malevolent spirit depicted in
Mormonism. I'd much rather talk about wine-tasting and
gardening than tempation and evil."
Satan also expressed annoyance at the way he is
portrayed in the LDS temple film. "I thought the
grinning guy in the 1969 film was bad enough, but
Michael F&@!ing Ballam? I'm Satan, for God's sake.
Imagine Clint Eastwood saying, 'I reign from the
rivers to the ends of the earth!' Now that would be
cool. But no, they had to get some guy who sounds like
Sideshow Mel. And I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught
dead in that silver robe. I'd eat the @!$#@ fruit
before I'd wear anything like that."
The plaintiff seeks unspecified damages for pain,
anguish, and financial loss. Attorneys representing
the church were confident that an amicable settlement
could be reached: "So far, we have on the table a spot
in the Quorum of Twelve when one opens; barring that,
maybe he'd take a mission presidency."
Attorneys for Satan scoffed at the idea: "He's already
got most of the Twelve on his payroll. Why would he
want that?"
March 11, 2008
In a stunning development today, God has teamed up
with his traditional adversary, Satan, in suing the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for
slander and defamation of character.
In a jointly authored press release, God and Satan
stated that "the LDS church has been allowed to
profane both of our names for long enough. We regret
it had to come to this, but repeated attempts on the
part of God to contact Mormon President Gordon B.
Hinckley, to try to resolve this amicably, were
entirely unsuccessful".
"Everytime I tried to get through, he was in meetings
talking about his next big birthday party, his next
temple, his latest Bonneville numbers, his new PR
strategies, his new theme park 'HinckleyLand'
(,http://www.salamandersociety.com/news/, and also
"MegaloMormonLand"
(http://www.salamandersociety.com/news/051103.html
and what not. I finally gave up", said a frustrated
God, at a press conference held at the Four Seasons
Hotel in Los Angeles.
Lawyers for both filed a revised lawsuit in Los
Angeles County Courthouse, naming both as
co-plaintiffs.
"First, this guy Joseph says I'm his 'right hand man'.
Then he says he has more to boast of than any man who
ever lived, including my earthly incarnation Jesus,
who suffered for the sins of all mankind! Then the guy
violates pretty much every one of the Ten Commandments
I hand-inscribed for the Israelites. Then the guy
plagiarizes a totally pagan Masonic temple ceremony
and says I authorized it. Then he tells everyone that
I sent a homicidal angel who forced him on pain of
death to start having sex with the wives and daughters
of his friends. The guy even deflowered his own foster
daughters. And he did it all in my name - and that is
WRONG. I had no choice but to arrange for his
assassination in 1844, since US law at that time was
simply not adequate for dealing with my complaints at
the time. But now that it is, I am right here with
Satan. Everything I have always stood for has been
mocked by Joseph Smith and his church. I mean, these
new guys are now trying to COVER UP all of Joseph's
horrific behaviour, and that makes them complicit in
it! No, this must stop, and must stop now. I demand
legal redress".
Mormon apologist Garloy P. Hendricks responded to
God's allegations by stating that "God is only God
when he is speaking as such. In this case, he is
obviously not speaking as such, so we encourage all
Latter-day Saints to go right back to sleep".
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
announced today that, in response to the lawsuit
launched against it by God and Satan, it will be
filing suit against itself.
"A few factors prompted this decision", said church
attorney Shay D'Anbottoff. "One is, we found out that
the God/Satan case would be tried in LA County, where
there are many potential jurors who are descendants of
Cain, the first murderer; and we all know that many of
these negro-type people are either very religious or
very evil, so that between God and Satan, the entire
negro population of Los Angeles would be rooting for
someone. We also know that a lot of these negro types
still feel anger towards Mormons, just because our
prophets said slavery was great for the negro man. But
the clincher was when we found out that God had
resurrected Johnnie Cochrane from the dead in order to
represent him in front of all these people. So, we are
very clear on where this is heading".
The church has therefore decided to sue itself in
order to recover the punitive damages which it will
certainly have to pay out in the God/Satan case.
"Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor, Joseph
Fielding Smith, Mark E. Petersen, Spencer W. Kimball,
'Nephi', 'Moroni', the D&C Jesus, the PGP version of
'Abraham' - all of these people, real and otherwise,
have said and done things which, to speak frankly,
have made it impossible to retain any hope of
tenability for our truth and authority claims", said
D'Anbottoff. "And yet, we cannot rid ourselves of
them. We are stuck. The least the church can do is try
to recover some damages from itself".
Church observers noted that Mormon cannibalization
efforts, while appearing strange and self-defeating to
those unfamiliar with Mormonism, are in fact regular
practice.
"Oh, this goes without saying", said Jack Daines,
editor of Mormon magazine "Mormon Liberals Who Are Too
Spineless To Let Go Of The Cult And So Spend Their
Lives Complaining About It While They're Raising Their
Kids In It". "I mean, just look at things like the
Limited Geography Theory, which attempts to salvage
the credibility of Joseph Smith by requiring people to
disbelieve Joseph Smith. It's like a trapped raccoon
trying to eat itself to stay alive. What's amazing is
that a lot of members are so blind that they can't
even see this is what they're doing".
Church spokesman Dale Bills confirmed that church
attorneys D'Anbottoff, Klaus Etflaymer, and Holly
Owtastep would, in addition to prosecuting the case
against the church, would also be defending the church
against the charges. "I am super certain that we will
be having a FIELD day!", said Etflaymer. "We have a
super strong case, and I will guarantee that we will
be INCREDIBLY successful!". When asked whether he was
referring to the prosecution or defense case, he
replied, "Both!".
When asked to comment on what appeared to be an
embarrassing contradiction, FARMS director Garloy P.
Hendricks, author of the book "Anything Can Become
Anything", said, "I don't see a problem here at all".
March 11, 2008
Lawyers for Satan filed a suit in Federal Court today
against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints, seeking damages for breach of contract.
Satan's agent helped him get a deal to play himself in
the temple ceremony, in which Satan plays an integral
part. He was promised 10% of all revenue. Then, church
officials decided not to charge for the movie.
Said Satan's lawyer, "The LDS church is actually
charging tithing as a requirement to enter the temple.
So Satan is entitled to 10% of all tithing collected
by the LDS church. This actually works out better than
if they had paid him the original undisclosed sum."
The LDS church has a history of changing conditions
without warning upon signing a deal, as seen in what
has widely become known as the 'milk before meat'
lawsuits.
Along with the claim for lost income, Satan is
considering demanding damages for defamation of
character. "The narration that was added in
post-production changes the script substantially to
make it look like it's my fault that Adam and Eve were
sent out into the lone and dreary world. That was not
part of the script, and it has affected my ability to
find work as an actor. Being typecast is bad enough,
but they make it look like I flee because Peter held
his arm to the square. In reality, I was running
because the actor was trying to stay in character by
not using deodorant."
Satan is also seeking reasonable attorney's fees. "I
feel like I made a deal with, um, myself." Church
lawyers were unavailable for comment.
August 8, 2007
(BYU archeologists also expected to find a USB Urim Drive, but unfortunately it not been located and is presumed to have been stolen by a lost tribe
of Goddamianton Robbers.)
The revelations digitally inscribed within the Thummin Drive have been uploaded and translated by scholars at BYU's Department of Ancient
Folklore and Mythology Laundering Department and later identified by Gordon Hinckley as the Lost Stick of USB.
This amazing video clip that was recovered from the USB Thummin Drive showing the youthful Other Brother of Jared as a young
Deacon being instructed digitally by the Lord Himself.
This is believed to be the only actual video footage of a historical Book of Mormon
event.
If you look carefully, you should be able to see the Digit of the Lord in action as the Other Brother of Jared is prepared for that
fateful day when the Trans-Pacific Barge Interior Illumination System would be revealed unto him (or unto his other brother).
After watching the video clip several times, President Hinckley called a press conference and announced that documented proof of the
truthfulness of the Book of Mormon had been discovered, and that faith would no longer be required for a belief in the Mormon
Church.
President Hinckley revealed that he uploaded this historic video to YouTube and also added it to his personal MySpace page.
This page is really bad. Some of the Salamander Society stuff is good, but this is really p*** poor!
- 03/05/2010 - Jist Visitin
If this site offends you, don't look at it. If you "KNOW" that your religion is true, what are you worried about? If you feel persecuted, perhaps you finally understand how your own religious intolerance has made your non-mormon neighbors feel for decades. If you can't take your own medicine, perhaps you should alter the prescription. The world is simply a mirror that reflects to each man his own face. Time to grow up and take responsibility for the shameful disrespect you have always displayed toward anyone who disagrees with you.
- 10/22/2009 - KMA
Ahahahahaha this is too much. Thanks for the laughs, not just the page but the comments as well.
"you suck, the book of mormon is true"
hahahah
Keep it up!
- 10/19/2009 - fockinclassy
This is a bunch of ridiculously madeup information
- 03/22/2009 - anon
Bravo -- A satirist strikes.
Not since J Golden Kimball have pieces been as right on as these.
Wake up oh-Zion you need a sense of humor (and a healthy dash of skepticism) to evolve!
- 01/31/2009 - C. H. Mara
To remain anonymous in my reply would be extremely cowardly. According to the principles and values that our country was founded on, citizens have the right of free speech, but also the obligation of tolerance. And clearly every article and picture on this website is doctored and made up. It seems to me all the time that you have spent learning about the mormons and the cult flds, plus the time you have put in organizing it like a newsletter, has been poorly spent. You could have probably finished graduate school and have your doctorate and be doing things that help our world instead of just pollute it. You think that Harvard Law would accept this piece of trash to accept you? You have spent way too much time doing wrong and hurting people when you obviously have the potential to be a hardworking person. I am not asking you to change your beliefs, I just ask for the tolerance that is rightly ours as citizens of the U.S. Please respect our beliefs and the things that we hold holy. Please change your news letter and look around for the positive truthful things about life. Besides, how would you appreciate if someone were to spin lies around a little bit of truth about your family and then openly mock it? I am not saying that you are a bad person, I just ask for some respect. Thank You.
- 12/23/2008 - Krista
I love how your photos practicely yell out "we were edited with photoshop cause we don't like the lds church!" I don't think I've ever seen someone push it this far. It's not that its even rude or disrespectful, it's the fact that its pure stupidity and only makes me laugh at whoever created. This website is a tribute to the common anti-mormon dumbass.
- 12/22/2008 - Danny
This is dumb I dont get it Mormons are great
- 12/20/2008 - Garrett
Your language and false claims reflects the people you are. You are a very sad case.
- 12/05/2008 - anon
THIS IS A PRAYER AGAINST THIS WEBSITE (www.SalamanderSociety.com) AND ITS WEBMASTER (Prayers are literally effective because we will draw upon the powers of Heaven in request to bring this site down...to finish it forever. To ALL LDS and those who believe in the rights of the LDS Church to peacefully exist, please add more prayers (while it is still up) not just trite frustrated comments. Do you believe in the power of prayer? Then we mus use it now becasue this site is evil and must be destroyed. We all need to pray to conquer this devil. With God's help we can destroy this site and the sinner who is behind it ... we'll call him "Mr. Salamander" for the slimy creature that he is).
LET US PRAY
Dear Father, please forgive this Mr. Salamander man for what he has done. Our prayer today is that this web site will be legally shut down by a
legal miracle, perhaps by means of a copyright infringement and "fair use parody" violation; or a by freak accident and untimely death of
its creator, Mr. Salamander. Your choice Father!
We prefer a complete retraction and full repentence by him (but that may be unlikely), but if that is not an option for Salamander man then use
whatever means necessary to bring him down to the dust...car accident, cancer, heart attack...those remedies are all "OK" with us...whaterver it
takes! No premeditated murder though, we just don't like prison.
It's in your hands Father. WE ARE SERIOUS!!!!! It is better that one man perish...(you know the rest). We pray that his awful perverted name, whatever
it is, be exposed as the preditor that he is. Please keep him and his site away from all thy children, especially thy youger impressionable
children. We have been given a stewardship by thee to keep them safe. We now ask that you do your part and take care of this "mess" in your vinyard
and in your own way and due time.
This site contains extremely evil material. I testify that the Book of Mormon is another evidence that Joseph Smith was a true prophet. No one could
write that amount sacred material and make it all precisely fit together the way it does this many years later. It is true. It is true. It is true.
We pray that President Monson will be inspired to take legal action from the Church against this evil person and hunt him down using every legal means
to destroy his evil site. This site material is pornography of the worst kind and must be destroyed.
I leave my testimony here that I KNOW this Church and its ordinances are the work of the Son, Jesus Christ. It is true and know that Mr. Salamander
will be eternally dammed for his participation in turning honest souls away from the truth.
Repent NOW Salamnder or your fate is in God's hands. If you don't believe that his will do anything...sorry for you! Father, we all expect this
site to be taken down soon becasue this is our prayer and our heartfelt request of thee our God. We have the faith to move mountains and we have
faith that thou will pronounce doom on the creator of this site.
We know that we have power over Satan and his henchmen. We expect his head to be crushed in mighty fury. The abominations created on the pages of
his site should be enough to immediatley stop this evil man's heart and cause him to suffer eternal pain for what he has done. Please hear our
prayers and bless us from deliverance from the evil fallout of his very wicked website. Please grant us the desire of our hearts and destroy
this site in the name of Jesus Christ.
We believe that God answers all prayers. We beleive that when we ask with a sincere heart we will receive our request. Father, we are serious
and we demonstrate TRUE faith in this action. We expect thee to be bound by eteranl laws and consider the righteous desires of our hearts.
This "trash" needs to go NOW and we have faith that it will be destroyed in a manner of thy choosing and hopefully in a matter of days. Thank
you Father.
We call upon the angels of God and the powers from heaven to fulfill this request and might prayer. We call upon angels of God to visit the man
known as Salamander and to rebuke him in thy holy name! We are pleased and so happy to be members of thy Son's true Church.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!
So there it is Salamander man. The "slimeball" which you are has been formally reported to God by way of prayer. We believe that He will answer this prayer. Now God Himslf will deal directly with you and your abominations. God heard our prayer and we believe He will act on it. We truly believe your days are numbered....We hope you enjoy the Hell that you deserve. Goodbye Minister of Satan (now go deal with it and REPENT!!!)
- posted - 12/22/2008 orginally arrived 08/23/2008 - Children of God
To "limont24", who commented, back in the middle of February:
YESSIR! There are good people among 'any' dumb-ass religion. And, goodness,
all by itself, may be a virtual--and true--sign of bliss: ignorant bliss!
So, when someone tells you to go and 'study out the hilarious and stupid lunacies'
of the LDS Crutch, you just go ahead and shake your fist at them and pout, while
repeating your own little mantra, "Ignorance is bliss; ignorance is bliss"
(repeated 5000 times, ad nauseum).
- 03/12/2008 - Yessir Arafats
Hilari-ass! (The pious and oh, so righteous comments from your TBM (True Believing Mormon) detractors
- and your funny material, too!) Keep it coming! It helps ease the heartache after
learning I WASTED 30+ years of my life actually believing the crap the LDS Church
spewed on my previously weak-minded brain.
- 03/12/2008 - GettinOverIt
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS RUBBISH!
You havent got anything better to do then make up crap about mormons! I happend
to know alot of them and they are good people. Get a life!
- 02/12/2008 - limont24
you suck, the book of mormon is true.
- 03/01/2007 - fgfh
Post your comments or news story in this text box. Submit images to: news at salamander society dot com
Marriage, the union of one man and one woman, one priest and one nun must be enforced, he added, "against various efforts to
redefine spiritual law by the Vatican to celebrate celibacy and warp that foundational element of God's natural plan for creation."
Burning of bosoms and feeling all smitten
Tokens and handshakes the temple worker brings
These are a few of my endowment things.
We consecrate all, every Kit'n Cabutal
Wild Moroni's who fly high without wings
These are a few of my endowment things.
Rehearshing penalties with throat and gut slashes
Siver gray men veil grabbing and whisphering
This was my least favorite thing
When the choir sings
When I'm feeling had
I simply remember my endowment things.
And then I feel so damn mad!
Sister Kerry Shirtz of Provo stated, "I
have never lost faith that a stain would not come off
my counter top with this amazing material!"
Benson and Jordan have formed the recovery group "Magic Eraser Advocacy
Now" or "MEAN", as they call it. "We try to help
those that have doubts and are trying to cope with the
emotional scars one can have over discovery the reality behind Mr Clean."
Sister Shirtz states, "If they don't want to use
the product, why can't they just leave it alone?"
Monson ducked the first shoe but Elder Boyd Packer, Monson's so-called security encouraged him to "turn the other cheek," as the second shoe
smacked Monson squarely on the nose.
"Hell, no we ain't fallin' for that! They're gonna go right on hitchin' themselves up to multiple wives for the next life. Plus, they'll have pictures of those old leaders and their young fillies, up on the wall a worshipin' and veneratin' them. Far as we're concerned, so long as they think they have to do whatever that old boy says to get into heaven, then we don't trust 'em. Who knows what he might come up with?
"Then I started getting phone calls from people who had heard Mr. Monson bragging about his service to me from the pulpit. He didn't even get my name right: It's Martha, not Marian."
"We are thrilled that the leadership has been inspired to allow
these new products to be offered to our members," says Charles
Jorgensen, developer of the new temple products.
"I have used
the gel myself and can feel the powerful tingling sensation of the
priesthood power at work," says Jorgensen.
By far the most popular new product has been the Prophets Toilet
Tissue. All fifteen prophets of the modern church are represented.
Sister Janice Mathews explains its popularity. "I see it as
something the whole family can use at least once each day, sometimes more if we eat at Chuck-A-Rama," she says. "With every
wipe, we are reminded of the prophets that have given us the
revealed word of God."
"It has long been common knowledge to us Mormons that the garments we wear have
holy protective powers. This is evidenced by the numerous stories of good members
who have miraculously escaped harm in accidents while their gentile friends have
been reduced to bloody corpses. Sure, we have our share of dismembered heads and
limbs, but all these injuries usually occur on areas that the garments don't cover."
These ancient writings have
been added as Holy Scripture to the Stick of Judah and the Stick of Joseph (not to be confused with the Trouser Tent Stick of Joseph Smith).