February 28, 2008
Church records indicate that accidents on the water have increased
ten fold over the last few years. The documented cases of
"possession of demons" resulting from "consuming demonic water"
has
also sky-rocketed. The most well-known case of "possession of
demons" came last year when the daughter of Elder Henry B. Eyring
was severely possessed and is currently institutionalized.
The first "demon free" swimming pool filled by passing water
through the newly blessed filters opened last month and since then
several other swimming and recreational facilities have been using
"demon free" water.
It may be some time, however, before a large body of water such as
a lake will be "demon free," although an attempt to do just that
was tried in late April.
In a testing period last July, the filters were reported to have
worked "beautifully." The filters will be available in various
sizes for sink taps, hoses, bathtubs, showerheads, and even
irrigation devices. Some LDS farmers are ecstatic about the
filters. "I was very worried that demonized water would get into
my corn," said Jack Burrows, a Utah farmer. "The last thing I
wanted was to have some people get possessed from eatin' my corn."
The filters will be sold at distribution centers in September and
will be available to order online by the end of the year.
February 27, 2008
In an attempt to curb the increasing incidence
of masturbating among LDS youth, the LDS church has released a new
"Masturbation Help Kit."
"They should never
tamper with their little factories and open that 'release valve.'
By doing so, they will speed up the production and soon it will
build to such a level that the factory will swell and sensitize to
the point where the individual cannot resist opening the flood
gates."
When asked about girls, Elder Packer stated, "Our young women don't
have little factories and have nothing to worry about."
The Masturbation Kit offered by the church contains seven items
1) Instruction Manual
Some suggestions from the manual
include:
No surfing the Internet.
Only quick cold showers.
At least 4 layers of clothing around the
crotch, especially at night.
Read only church approved
material.
Pray at least six times daily.
Get up instead of "getting it up" as soon as you
wake.
Instead of reaching for your little factory, reach and grab the Book of Mormon (The IRON rod).
2) Calendar with stick-on stars
If the little factory was not activated, the individual can place a
golden star on that day.
When a certain number of stars is
reached, the individual can be rewarded with ice cream or other
treats.
3) Shock Pen
This simple device gives a shock when the pen
button is depressed.
When the individual feels his little factory
activating, he should immediately press the thumb on the button and give
himself a shock.
He will then learn to associate the shock with
the sexual feelings and avoid it.
4) Calming Religious Music CD
When someone feels the little
factory activating, the CD will slow it down.
"Most secular music
is inappropriate," declares Elder Packer.
"When the beat of the
music matches the same rhythm as in sexual intercourse it becomes
an activator for sexual feelings.
Most music of today almost
forces the individual to thrust hips in rhythm to the beat.
Calming music slows the factory."
5) Garlic Pills
Another item in the kit is a one year
supply of strong odor garlic.
Elder Packer explains:
"Boys
should not allow non family individuals to touch them. This can
unknowingly activate the little factory. In studies done by BYU
researchers, it was found that boys who consumed a moderate
quantity of strong odor garlic daily were over 80% less likely to
be touched by others."
The one year supply should suffice until
the next yearly interview with the bishop.
6) Brass Knuckles
"If a terrorist came into your home with
the intent of doing physical harm, you would protect yourself,"
says Elder Packer.
"The same is true with those intending to tempt
our youth sexually. If any one approaches an LDS boy with the
intent of activating his little factory, the result should be
immediate and disabling. The brass knuckles are an effective
method of deterrent, especially against the queers."
7) Wrist Ties
In extreme
cases, both arms may need to be tied.
The new Masturbation Kits will be available during regular
interviews with the bishop.
They are free for full tithe payers or
$39.99 otherwise. They will also be available to order from the LDS
Church Distribution Centers and Deseret Book Store.
February 17, 2008
In an unprecedented study, BYU researchers have
found a direct link between "ear size" and "spirituality."
Spanning over five years and involving over 2000 individuals, the
study, which was funded by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, found that the those with larger ears were more religious
and spiritual than their small ear counterparts.
According to church officials, those in high ranking positions in
the church often have such large ears that they are sometimes
distracting when they address people up close. "Some are very
shocked when they meet a general authority up close," said John
Brigham, church public relations officer. "We often suggest
viewing them from a distance to acclimate to the appearance before
a close encounter is attempted."
The BYU researchers also investigated those labeled as "evil" in
nature. "It is very obvious that those who have been known to
commit crimes of evilness in our world have almost lost their ears
completely. The contrast between them and our LDS leaders is
shocking."
The knowledge of the link between ear size and spirituality has
not been problem free, however. There was an incident in Brigham
City last year where a young man with very small ears was accused
of "heavy sinning" and was ultimately run out of town in fear of
bodily harm by an angry group of Relief Society women. "When
your level of spirituality is displayed on the sides of your head,
it is very difficult to hide," said Hastings.
Just how quickly the ears can shrink or grow is still being
studied. However, it was documented that one individual doubled
the size of his ears in just under a year by reading the Book of
Mormon five times and being obedient to all of the commandments.
BYU researchers indicated that such growth is "rare and unlikely,"
however. They said that modest growth can be achieved with
moderate daily prayer, scripture study, and being obedient to the
commandments.
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The LDS church has released a series of water
filters designed to filter out "demons." According to a press
release, the LDS church has been working for years to design and
produce water filters that would address the issue of "Satanic
control" of the waters. According to a book of scripture called
the Doctrine and Covenants, which is purported to be direct
revelations from God, the waters in the last days have been cursed
and in control of Satan.
"The episodes of strange demonic water problems among LDS members
has increased substantially over the last few years," declared
Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the LDS church. "We are
aware of the increasing power Satan has over the waters and the
Church has countered with the release of these holy filters."
The LDS church first began addressing the problem by forming the
"Water Purification Committee" last February. According to one
member of the new committee, the water filters of various sizes are
purchased commercially, but are then "blessed and set apart by a
member of the high priesthood" as a protection against demons.
"No Satanic spirit can penetrate a filter blessed and set apart by
the Melchizedek Priesthood," said Elder Scott.
"A high-ranking member of LDS church tried to bless Pineview
Reservoir in northern Utah to de-demonize it without using any
filters, but it failed and he was almost drowned by the demons,"
said an anonymous source. Apparently, the only way to free water
from Satan's control is by passing the water through the blessed
filters.
"Our boys are forbidden to use the powers of procreation before
temple marriage," declared Boyd K. Packer.
Remove all mirrors from the home.
A positive reward system.
In stubborn cases, the shock pen
can be used directly on the "little factory". (Highly suggested
by the Evergreen Institute).
Meant for extreme situations, the wrist ties can
be used to tie the dominant masturbating arm to the bed post at
night to discourage playing with the little factory during times
when the individual is not fully awake or aware.
"This is an amazing find," said BYU researcher Howard Mild. "We
had suspected all along that ear size did, indeed, reflect
spiritual power, but we had no idea just how strong the correlation
really was."
One church historian, Jack Hastings, indicated that stake
presidents and bishops have known for years about the ear size and
spirituality connection. "Some bishops have even gone so far as
measuring and recording the ears of all their members. They
claimed it made it much easier for them to issue callings and
positions in their stakes or wards if they had actual objective
measures of the level of spirituality."
"I think we'll see bishops use measurements of ear size in all
interviews," said Hastings. "For example, if a young man's ears
are getting smaller, the bishop would know he is sinning. He can
be interviewed to discuss in detail the problem and be given help
before it gets worse." says Hastings.