February 2008 Parody News from the Salamander Society

February 28, 2008

Mormon demon water by Satan.

LDS Church Releases Anti-Demonic Water Filters

Mormons believe the Devil has control over all swimming pools, canals, lakes, rivers and oceans.

by Moroni Marten - UPI -

Salt Lake City -

Mormon woman demonized. The LDS church has released a series of water filters designed to filter out "demons." According to a press release, the LDS church has been working for years to design and produce water filters that would address the issue of "Satanic control" of the waters. According to a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, which is purported to be direct revelations from God, the waters in the last days have been cursed and in control of Satan.

Mormon demon water pool. "The episodes of strange demonic water problems among LDS members has increased substantially over the last few years," declared Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the LDS church. "We are aware of the increasing power Satan has over the waters and the Church has countered with the release of these holy filters."

Church records indicate that accidents on the water have increased ten fold over the last few years. The documented cases of "possession of demons" resulting from "consuming demonic water" has also sky-rocketed. The most well-known case of "possession of demons" came last year when the daughter of Elder Henry B. Eyring was severely possessed and is currently institutionalized.

Mormon drowning man. The LDS church first began addressing the problem by forming the "Water Purification Committee" last February. According to one member of the new committee, the water filters of various sizes are purchased commercially, but are then "blessed and set apart by a member of the high priesthood" as a protection against demons. "No Satanic spirit can penetrate a filter blessed and set apart by the Melchizedek Priesthood," said Elder Scott.

The first "demon free" swimming pool filled by passing water through the newly blessed filters opened last month and since then several other swimming and recreational facilities have been using "demon free" water.

It may be some time, however, before a large body of water such as a lake will be "demon free," although an attempt to do just that was tried in late April.

Mormon drowning man. "A high-ranking member of LDS church tried to bless Pineview Reservoir in northern Utah to de-demonize it without using any filters, but it failed and he was almost drowned by the demons," said an anonymous source. Apparently, the only way to free water from Satan's control is by passing the water through the blessed filters.

In a testing period last July, the filters were reported to have worked "beautifully." The filters will be available in various sizes for sink taps, hoses, bathtubs, showerheads, and even irrigation devices. Some LDS farmers are ecstatic about the filters. "I was very worried that demonized water would get into my corn," said Jack Burrows, a Utah farmer. "The last thing I wanted was to have some people get possessed from eatin' my corn."

The filters will be sold at distribution centers in September and will be available to order online by the end of the year.


February 27, 2008

Boyd K Packer's masturbation kit.

Masturbation Help Kit Now Available from the LDS Church

Even though the Boy Scouts of America refused to endorse his project Elder Packer demanded that Deseret Book promote the manual.

by Moroni Marten - UPI - Undercover Priesthood Interigations

Salt Lake City -

In an attempt to curb the increasing incidence of masturbating among LDS youth, the LDS church has released a new "Masturbation Help Kit."

Mormon masturbation calendar. "Our boys are forbidden to use the powers of procreation before temple marriage," declared Boyd K. Packer.

"They should never tamper with their little factories and open that 'release valve.' By doing so, they will speed up the production and soon it will build to such a level that the factory will swell and sensitize to the point where the individual cannot resist opening the flood gates."

When asked about girls, Elder Packer stated, "Our young women don't have little factories and have nothing to worry about."

The Masturbation Kit offered by the church contains seven items

1) Instruction Manual

Some suggestions from the manual include:

Mormon masturbation shock pen. Remove all mirrors from the home.

No surfing the Internet.

Only quick cold showers.

At least 4 layers of clothing around the crotch, especially at night.

Read only church approved material.

Pray at least six times daily.

Get up instead of "getting it up" as soon as you wake.

Instead of reaching for your little factory, reach and grab the Book of Mormon (The IRON rod).

2) Calendar with stick-on stars

Mormon masturbation calm music. A positive reward system.

If the little factory was not activated, the individual can place a golden star on that day.

When a certain number of stars is reached, the individual can be rewarded with ice cream or other treats.

3) Shock Pen

This simple device gives a shock when the pen button is depressed.

When the individual feels his little factory activating, he should immediately press the thumb on the button and give himself a shock.

He will then learn to associate the shock with the sexual feelings and avoid it.

Mormon mastubation garlic pill cure. In stubborn cases, the shock pen can be used directly on the "little factory". (Highly suggested by the Evergreen Institute).

4) Calming Religious Music CD

When someone feels the little factory activating, the CD will slow it down.

"Most secular music is inappropriate," declares Elder Packer.

"When the beat of the music matches the same rhythm as in sexual intercourse it becomes an activator for sexual feelings.

Most music of today almost forces the individual to thrust hips in rhythm to the beat.

Calming music slows the factory."

5) Garlic Pills

Another item in the kit is a one year supply of strong odor garlic.

Elder Packer explains:

"Boys should not allow non family individuals to touch them. This can unknowingly activate the little factory. In studies done by BYU researchers, it was found that boys who consumed a moderate quantity of strong odor garlic daily were over 80% less likely to be touched by others."

The one year supply should suffice until the next yearly interview with the bishop.

6) Brass Knuckles

"If a terrorist came into your home with the intent of doing physical harm, you would protect yourself," says Elder Packer.

"The same is true with those intending to tempt our youth sexually. If any one approaches an LDS boy with the intent of activating his little factory, the result should be immediate and disabling. The brass knuckles are an effective method of deterrent, especially against the queers."

7) Wrist Ties

Mormon mastubation wrist ties. Meant for extreme situations, the wrist ties can be used to tie the dominant masturbating arm to the bed post at night to discourage playing with the little factory during times when the individual is not fully awake or aware.

In extreme cases, both arms may need to be tied.

The new Masturbation Kits will be available during regular interviews with the bishop.

They are free for full tithe payers or $39.99 otherwise. They will also be available to order from the LDS Church Distribution Centers and Deseret Book Store.


February 17, 2008

Angry Mormon women.

Ear Size Linked to Spirituality

Never underestimate the self-righteous anger of a mob of Mothers in Zion.

by Moroni Marten - AP - Always Provo

Provo -

In an unprecedented study, BYU researchers have found a direct link between "ear size" and "spirituality." Spanning over five years and involving over 2000 individuals, the study, which was funded by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, found that the those with larger ears were more religious and spiritual than their small ear counterparts.

Hinckley ears. "This is an amazing find," said BYU researcher Howard Mild. "We had suspected all along that ear size did, indeed, reflect spiritual power, but we had no idea just how strong the correlation really was."

According to church officials, those in high ranking positions in the church often have such large ears that they are sometimes distracting when they address people up close. "Some are very shocked when they meet a general authority up close," said John Brigham, church public relations officer. "We often suggest viewing them from a distance to acclimate to the appearance before a close encounter is attempted."

The BYU researchers also investigated those labeled as "evil" in nature. "It is very obvious that those who have been known to commit crimes of evilness in our world have almost lost their ears completely. The contrast between them and our LDS leaders is shocking."

Boyd K Packer ears. One church historian, Jack Hastings, indicated that stake presidents and bishops have known for years about the ear size and spirituality connection. "Some bishops have even gone so far as measuring and recording the ears of all their members. They claimed it made it much easier for them to issue callings and positions in their stakes or wards if they had actual objective measures of the level of spirituality."

The knowledge of the link between ear size and spirituality has not been problem free, however. There was an incident in Brigham City last year where a young man with very small ears was accused of "heavy sinning" and was ultimately run out of town in fear of bodily harm by an angry group of Relief Society women. "When your level of spirituality is displayed on the sides of your head, it is very difficult to hide," said Hastings.

Evil ears. "I think we'll see bishops use measurements of ear size in all interviews," said Hastings. "For example, if a young man's ears are getting smaller, the bishop would know he is sinning. He can be interviewed to discuss in detail the problem and be given help before it gets worse." says Hastings.

Just how quickly the ears can shrink or grow is still being studied. However, it was documented that one individual doubled the size of his ears in just under a year by reading the Book of Mormon five times and being obedient to all of the commandments. BYU researchers indicated that such growth is "rare and unlikely," however. They said that modest growth can be achieved with moderate daily prayer, scripture study, and being obedient to the commandments.


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