August 2007 - Parody News from the Salamander Society

May 4, 2007

LDS low ceiling chapel.

Ceilings to be lowered in all LDS chapels to prevent free thinking

LDS Chapel remodeling lowers ceilings as means of "putting a cap" on free thinking members.

by Stray Mutt - AP - Architectural Priesthood

Salt Lake City - In reaction to recent research linking ceiling height with thought patterns, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued orders to retrofit all its meeting spaces with lower ceilings.

Studies by Joan Meyers-Levy, a professor of marketing at the University of Minnesota Carlson School of Management, suggest high ceilings cause people to think more freely and abstractly.

"A higher versus a lower ceiling can stimulate the concepts of freedom versus confinement, respectively," said Ms. Meyers-Levy.

Elder's headache from free thinking during church. "Free thinking is a sin," explained Elder Thomas S. Monson, First Counselor to President Gordon B. Hinckley.

"When the mind wanders from the straight and narrow path established by Heavenly Father's chosen prophets, the body soon follows.

As tempting as mental freedom seems, that way leads to destruction and eternal death. Therefore, to suppress unfettered thought and to promote feelings of soul-saving confinement, the First Presidency have directed that all chapel ceilings be lowered to eight feet."

"Implementing these structural modifications will take time," said Presiding Bishop David H. Burton. "In the meantime, so that no one is lost to the insidious sin of free thought, the Prophet has counseled faithful members to attend services with boxes or bags over their heads."

When informed of the new policy, Sister Molly Peterson of Bountiful said, "Oh, I can't count the times I've been in sacrament meeting or stake conference and my mind has wandered from what was being said.

I'm so grateful the Lord has directed the prophet to make these changes. I wouldn't want to be separated from my Forever Family because I had been thinking about how it was too nice a day to waste in church or how some parts of the Gospel don't make sense."

"It's for our own good," said L. Nephi Pratt, elders quorum president of the East Timpanogos 137th Ward.

"I should clarify," he continued, "that when I said it was for our own good, it wasn't a conclusion I reached by thinking on my own. It's good because the brethren said so."

Bishop Burton said he hoped all the lowered ceilings will be completed by June 23, 2010, in honor of President Hinckley's 100th birthday.


May 4, 2007

CNN interviews Nephi on beheadings.

Nephi Sides With Muslim Beheadings

Book of Mormon prophet Nephi sticks his neck way out by defending Muslim beheadings on international television.

by Lance - AP - Amputation Press

Narrow Neck of Land - Cental America - In an exclusive interview with Church News Network CNN, The ancient Mormon prophet Nephi reveals why he sympathizes with Muslim beheaders

CNN interviewer: Nephi, I want to thank you for being with us today.

Nephi: I'm glad to be here, thanks.

CNN: You've publicly stated your sympathy for Muslim beheaders of Westerners. Can you explain your position?

Nephi: Certainly. As a beheader myself, I can say that there are certain situations which call for beheadings. When such situations arise, people need to be beheaded.

CNN: Just to clarify, you are a beheader yourself?

Nephi: Yes, I once lopped off someone's head at the command of God. I did it to ensure the greater good.

CNN: You lopped off someone's head once. Can you give us the details?

Nephi fan outside CNN studios. Nephi: Certainly. I lopped off a man named Laban's head because he was withholding brass plates containing vital information to ensure the survival of my people. I can't say that I wanted to do it, but God told me to take advantage of him while he was drunk and lop off his head.

CNN: That must have been very difficult for you.

Nephi: Well sure it was. If it hadn't been for the voice of the Spirit speaking to me, I wouldn't have done it. I'm normally a very kind and moral person.

CNN: So it was God who told you to commit an amoral act of violence?

Nephi: I guess you could say that it was God who told me to act in defense of a greater good.

CNN: That 'greater good' being the securing of a bunch of brass plates for your people...

Nephi: Yes. Look, I know it may sound crazy to you, but God's ways are not man's ways.

CNN: So it's God's way to get what he wants by forcing his followers to lop off people's heads?

Nephi: Okay, you're totally missing the point here, the point I want to make is--

CNN: Yes, well that's what we want to clarify here, what point you wanted to make and how it relates to Muslim beheadings in countries such as Iraq, for example, by people trying to prove--

Nephi: Look, when I say I empathize with the Muslims in their beheadings, I'm only saying that I understand the importance of kidnapping people and lopping off their heads to accomplish a goal. For example--

CNN: So it's okay to lop off people's heads to prove something.

Nephi: I didn't say that, I said it's important to lop off people's heads to accomplish a goal.

CNN: A god-given goal.

Nephi: A god-given goal, yes. Now I'm not saying that Muslims who kidnap Westerners and lop off their heads are actually acting on god-given goals, I'm simply saying that I understand, that the end justifies the means.

CNN: It's okay to lop off people's heads when you have a greater goal in mind.

Nephi: No, I didn't say that. I mean it's okay to lop off heads when it's a god-given goal, when God tells you to.

CNN: So it's okay for Muslims to lop off heads because they think it's a god-given goal?

Nephi: No, I didn't say that. I think the Muslims are misguided. I'm just saying, when you think God is telling you to lop off someone's head, it's good to stop and consider and ask, "Should I do what God is asking me to do?" I mean, what would you do if God told you to lop off someone's head?

CNN: Well, I'd probably seek psychiatric help.

Nephi: Exactly, EXACTLY! You'd deny the revelation...

CNN: So you're saying that Muslims have actual revelations from God to lop off people's heads and that this makes it okay?

Nephi: No no, you're putting words in my mouth! I'm only saying that I understand the need to lop off a head when God commands it...

CNN: So it was okay for you to lop off Laban's head because God told you to, yet you seem to be implying that Muslims don't have a similar directive.

Nephi: I'm only saying that the end justifies the means, know what I mean? So I totally get what people are doing in Iraq because I had to do it myself once, but they're not acting on a divine directive. I understand what they're doing, but they're doing it for the wrong religion I guess.

CNN: So it's okay for you, because you belong to the right religion. But it's not okay for Muslims because they belong to the wrong religion?

Nephi: Look, I think I want my lawyer.


April 21, 2007

Star Dust space probe fails to find dust from Kolob.

Stardust capsule returns without Kolob sample

Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California dust their feet off on the probe that failed to return sacred particles from Kolob.

by Stray Mutt - AP - Apology Press

Pasadena - A capsule carrying dust particles from the tail of a comet parachuted to the Utah desert early today, and elated NASA scientists were eager to examine the samples for clues about how the solar system formed. "We visited a comet, grabbed a piece of it, and it landed here this morning. It's an incredible thrill," said Don Brownlee of the Stardust mission.

Enthusiasm was dampened, though, with the news that no samples were found of the star Kolob, which, according to Mormon theo-science, is the nearest star unto the throne of God. Also, our own sun supposedly receives its light from Kolob.

“We traveled almost 3 billion miles in space," principal investigator Don Brownlee said from nearby Dugway Proving Grounds. "But I have to tell you all, we never found this alleged star Kolob."

Nephi Winklemann, spokesman for the Foundation for Astropologetics and Kolobian Excuses (FAKE) stated that since the Stardust probe didn’t look in every square light year of the infinite universe, the failure to find Kolob is not proof Kolob does not exist.

“Kolob is simply in some place we have yet to discover. This place is probably a very tiny segment of the cosmos,” explained Winklemann. “We at FAKE propose what we call the Limited Universe Theory. That means, no matter where you look, we will say Kolob somewhere else. Neener neener neener. The Church is still true.”


April 6, 2007

BYU Shock Therapy by Boyd Packer.

Brigham Young University announced that they have recently resumed a program of electroshock aversion therapy to help students overcome serious personal problems

Elders Boyd K Packer and Henry Eyring administer the laying on of electrodes to a doubting student. Assisting in the priesthood procedure is Sheri Dew and Cecil Samuelson.

by substrate - AP - Assimilated Press

Provo - "We hadn't used the machines since the mid-1990s," said program director Harland Abramson. "The Brethren let us know that they've been seeing an increase in personal problems among students and asked for suggestions. We felt prompted to take 'Old Sparky' and 'The Tickler' out of storage and put them back into use."

Reporters were quick to ask why the university was using a controversial therapy process that had been shown to have no effect on homosexual desires.

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that," said a suddenly indignant Abramson. "We aren't using the machines on homosexuals. We learned way back in the late 1970s that genital shocking was not an effective treatment, which is why we discontinued the practice in 1996."

Abramson explained that the new program deals with "those who are tossed about by the winds of doctrine" and who need a little spiritual enlightenment.

Religion Professor A. LeGrand Hendry explained the science behind the new practice. "These are students who have lost the light of the gospel. As we know, electricity shares some properties with light, so what we are doing is trying to shine the light of the gospel back into their lives through electrodes."

Hendry described the procedure.

"First we monitor students' actions in class, at church, and in any online forums. If there is evidence of doubting or questioning, the student is brought here to the Kimball Tower for evaluation."

Tyler Hayes, BYU student. Evaluation consists of a brief word-association exercise, said Hendry. "For example, if I say the word 'follow,' and they say 'your conscience,' I know they're good candidates for the program. If instead, they answer 'the prophet,' I am certain they are on the right path but will require further monitoring."

Students are then hooked up to the machine and exposed to various pictures and words. Negative words, such as "critical thinking," and negative pictures, such as a girl with teased hair, are accompanied by mild shocks to the genitals. When students see positive words, such as "obedience," and positive pictures, such as a group photo of the Quorum of the Twelve, soothing voices tell them how good it feels.

Tyler Hayes, a sophomore from Walnut Creek, California, expressed gratitude for the program. "At the beginning of the school year, I was really struggling. I'm so glad I told my bishop about my doubts. 4 months of therapy, and the doubt is gone. The only problem is that I get, um, kind of aroused every time I hear the words to "Called to Serve" or see a picture of James E. Faust. But it's worth it to be standing on solid gospel ground. And the scars have almost healed."

McKenzie Wilson of Rock Springs, Wyoming, told of her journey from rebellious feminist to iron-rod Mormon: "I'm not sure how it happened, but I lost sight of the important things in life. I was planning for a career in academia and had started volunteering for the ACLU. Once my poli-sci professor got wind of that, I was here at the Kimball Tower every week."

She paused, choking up. "Now I can say that I understand my true potential as a daughter of God. Before I started the program, I thought that being a tenured professor would help me feel fulfilled, but now I know that such a path brings only pain, searing genital pain. After months of seeing those images of happy babies, I know my destiny, and I'm so grateful for it."

If the program is successful, it may be expanded for use in local wards and stakes to combat outbreaks of independent thought.


March 30, 2007

Chris Buttars tall on bigotry and short on tolerance.

Utah State Senator Chris Buttars Introduces Legislation to Ban Tall-Short Alliances in Public Schools

Utah State Senator Chris Buttars forces himself between one tall student and one short student just in case they form any sort of alliance.

by Mujun - AP - Anal Politico

Salt Lake City - Conservative State Senator Chris Buttars (R-West Jordan) today introduced a bill in the Utah Legislature that would allow public schools to prevent the formation of "tall-short alliances" in public schools.

The clubs are a recent phenomenon, started by short students who feel that they have too often been the victims of discrimination and ridicule, particularly in Utah where such an overwhelming majority of the population is tall. The short students have been joined by an unexpected ally, a small number of tall students who consider themselves open-minded and progressive and who want to create an atmosphere in the schools in which their short classmates feel accepted and safe.

The advent of such clubs has raised the ire of many parents, who worry about the message the school would be sending to their children by recognizing these students. "I don't want my kids hanging around with a bunch of short students," said Nephi Kimball of Canadian Fork. "The next thing you know, they'll end up short themselves."

Medical experts throughout the world have long recognized that being short is purely biological, a product of nature, not nurture. Surveys in Utah, however, continue to show that a sizable majority of voters consider shortness to be a personal choice and immoral.

Senator Buttars has said that he believes the clubs "indoctrinate" students into a "short lifestyle."

Anonymous sources close to Governor Jon Huntsman have said that the Governor is familiar with the medical arguments that shortness is not a choice and "finds them compelling," but that "he will probably just give the crowd Barabbas, as usual." He is expected to sign the bill.


March 28, 2007

Daniel Trump Peterson is the Boss of FARMS.

NBC and LDS Church Team Up On New Reality Show: "The Apologist"

KYBU was granted permission by NBC to only show "The Apologist" during Monday night Family Home Evening time slots. The LDS Church refused NBC's request to replace the temple endowment movie with "The Apologist." President Gordon B Hinckley was willing but Boyd K Packer and the Quorum of the Twelve threatened to impeach Hinckley over pending deal.

by Tal Bachman - AP - Apologetic Press

Salt Lake City - Spokesmen for NBC and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today announced their plan to produce jointly a new reality show called "The Apologist", to be aired fall season.

The show will begin with sixteen contestants, divided initially into two teams, who will compete for a single job offered at the church's BYU-affiliated Neal Maxwell Institute of Religious Studies, formerly known as the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS). Three professional Mormon apologists will serve as judges throughout the series: Fred Amplegirth, Eischel Forluker, and D. Lou Dedsoll.

Each team will be given real and hypothetical problems to solve to test their abilities as Mormon apologists, similar to those used for the initial applicant screening. For example, in one test, applicants were asked to answer the question, "Is this entirely black cat, black?" in the negative, on behalf of those who felt the spirit tell them, before the cat was presented to them, that the cat they were about to see was white and orange. The goal was to keep the orange-and-white believers convinced that they had not made a mistake even after they could examine the cat and see that it was entirely black.

The winning applicants tended to use a similar range of strategies: obscurantist vocabulary, pedantic and irrelevant digressions, settling of unexplained personal scores, changing the question, half-hearted appeals to post-modernists, sniveling praises of Mormon General Authorities and fellow apologists sure to "rouse the spirit", the labeling of "black-ists" as not just wrong but actually evil, wearisome length, half-truths, straw men, appeals to (specious) authority, as well as a number of other fallacies.

Dirk the Jerk McDougal FARMS contestant. "I'm excited", said Dirk McDougal, one of the approved contestants. "At least as excited as one can ever be said to feel in a world in which Kant's noumenal realm must remain forever inacessible to us by virtue of our untranscendable subjectivity as subjective beings subject to the constrictions of the phenomenal, presuming that 'excitement' exists as a sort of Platonic ideal quite above and beyond all of us, which of course would qualify it as part of an objective or noumenal realm and which would imply that one can only 'feel' 'excitement' to the extent one is able to free oneself from the constrictions of what Shakespeare called 'this mortal coil', though I say this not with the vicious - 'vicious' in its original sense, as in, having to do with 'vice' - pride warned of in everything from the Tanakh to the Baghavad-Gita and the Vedas and the Koran and The Course In Miracles and the Book of Urantia and the collected works of Shirley Maclaine, but rather with the 'holy' pride of one who feels gratitude for membership in the Lord's only true religion, a religion not of man but of Elohim, he who exists on or near Kolob, which - to which - I one day anticipate with great 'excitement', as I like to imagine what I feel actually is, 'hieing'".

Jeff Lindsay, Dirks' personal mentor, spiritual guru, trainer and coach squeaked in "And Dirk - don't forget the old "ADT" (Ancient Dictionary Trick)

"In a dictionary published in Edinburgh, Scotland, by Hamer and Sons, in 1678, the word 'black' is defined as 'the opposite of white'; and when we take into account Lehi's famous 'theory of opposites', we can see that, in the sense that 'white' only has meaning because of the existence of 'black', that 'black' and 'white' are dependent on each other for meaning; and in McGarrigle's Dictionary, published in Belfast in 1721, 'dependent' is defined as 'entirely reliant upon, to the point of inseparability from'. And where property or object A is inseparable from property or object B, it may be said that A is *one* with B; and if A and B are one, as by these definitions black and white are, then it may also be said that they are SYNONYMOUS with each other. And any two things which are synonymous, may ipso facto be regarded as IDENTICAL. And thus we see that there is no problem at all in labeling the black cat 'white'. By contrast, it is entirely accurate.

"Indeed, the fact that the spirit told these members that the cat was partially 'white' is EVIDENCE that it really was the spirit speaking - how else could they have known that the original, true definition of 'black' was 'white'? That never would have occurred to the average mind. So once again, we see that the anti-orange-and-whitists will have to do better than that" (triumphant tone)

Reader Comment:

Grow up - you think you are so cute and smart but you are simply sick! As far as Tad Bachmann - I never liked any of your music anyway although you probably think you're the greatest. Ha! Get a life and then try to grow up. - 02/23/2008 - anon


February 21, 2007

The new Purity Panties from Beehive Clothing.

Beehive Clothing Creates Modest Panty Line for Young Women

Beehive Clothing hopes to score big with the youth of the Mormon Church by teasing them with thongs and white butterfly ass tats while retaining that special pre-temple garment spirit.

by Kimberly Ann - UG - Utah Gazette and AP Always Panties

Salt Lake City - Beehive clothing has created a new modest line of panties for young women and single sisters who are not yet temple endowed.

This “pre-garment” selection of Purity Panties was created to fill the need for Holy Ghost worthy ladies’ underwear and is a direct reaction to the panty theft scandal at BYU-Idaho, reports Chastity Bottoms, Garment Design Manager for Beehive Clothing.

“The Relief Society presidency was shocked at the scandalous panties worn by young unmarried girls at BYU Idaho. President Shirts has advised us that the school needs a Panty Policy to deal with the unworthy unmentionables worn by the female student body, so, after much prayer and fasting, the First Presidency was presented with new panty designs which will now be the only acceptable underwear at all church-owned universities.”

“The First Presidency really did their homework on this one!” delights Miss Bottoms. “Pres. Monson requested samples of all unholy undies available for purchase at salacious stores such as Victoria’s Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood.

Elder Boyd K Packer removes Purity Panties from Chasity Bottoms. President Packer personally asked me to wear each pair of panties under my garments for a few hours to purify them and cleanse them from all satanic influence before I presented them to him immediately after removal. Those men of the Lord are so very thorough…”.

The new panties are all white, reminding young ladies to remain pure and holy. There are no sacred markings on the new panties, but they do come with elaborate white embroidered “mock thongs” and white butterfly ass tats which appeal to young, hip Mormon girls.

The panties come in a modest boy-cut style and are certain to drive any feelings of femininity or sexiness right out of those sassy students.

So far, student reaction has been mixed. “Uh, those are gross. Can we go commando?” asks Sophomore LaVerne Belnap. “I love them!” declares Celestia Brown. “They’re just what I always wanted - do they come with divine protection just like garments?” Sariah Lee asks, “Can I still dry-hump in them?”

The panties are currently being manufactured in Taiwan by volunteer elder missionaries and by the spring semester will be required under-attire for all un-endowed female students attending church owned universities.

Brother Peterson bore solemn witness that this announcement is NOT a FPR (Faith Promoting Rumour) but solid evidence of the ancient origin of the Mormon endowment ceremony.

Comment Section

this is of the devil and may God have mercy on your soul that you may be saved in the last day. - 08/17/2006 - brady schvaneveldt

As a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I really found the material hurtful, and degrading and inappropriate. Can't your parodies be funny and appropriate too? - 08/30/2006 - michelle

I find it disturbingly sad that you cannot leave people's religious beliefs alone. I find it even more ridiculous that you make money off of those who accidentally stumble across this site as I have done. I will not make the mistake of allowing you to earn money off of your absurd excuse of income without first voicing my opinion. I am unfamiliar with the salamander society but from judging what I have seen, you are simply a group of misled empty bodies with no virtue or respect for anything others call sacred. I apologize if you find this kind of slandering others beliefs as sacred and special to you; however, I find it hard to believe that anyone with a conscience would do so. I only wish you could personally meet these men that you have outrageously judged without reading or hearing the peace of their words, or feeling the joy and inexpressible happiness that comes from feeling the truth of their words. These men are special to me and I just hope that you will do some inside research before the next edition of this filth. I am a university student and we would be kicked out of school if we took facts from a source that was not reviewed by their peers at other universities. So, with that in mind, how about you learn from the source what these men have to say. I am almost 100 percent sure that you'll agree with what they have to preach, if not, then you are definitely products of what Paul describes in the last days... " This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. 2Tim.3:1-7 Feel free to call with any constructive thoughts or questions that you may have, but please only call if you have questions that will lead YOU to further understanding the church, myself, or eternal truth. - 08/28/2006 - AJ Gage

you are so stupid. i have something for you, just wait i will enter in contact - 08/01/2006 - anonymous

Spending so much time for what? to try and hurt/make nonesense of others beliefs? That indeed is noble. I'd sure be careful though, those crazy mormons could surely be right, then what? All of this effort... it's un necessary. - 08/01/2006 - wow

Once again, sooooooooooooo funny! Thanks!!! - 07/30/2006 - MexMom

that is a very interesting conception of mormon leaders as well as the sacred orinences that go on in our temples. i am sure you have a good reason to justify your actions in plagerizing our believes. it is most humorous to think that you really believe that kind of stuff is posible. i encourage you to try and get to know our leaders before you wrongly judge them and there actions. - 07/29/2006 - setter82411

You are so wrong to portay our wonderful prophets in this manner. You are so sick. Take this off the internet. You have no right to say that about any of our prophets unless you have fully studied our gospel. Why don't you try reading the Book Of Mormon before putting this filth on the internet. I can't wait until judgement day and you are exposed before God and the entire world with the evil stuff that you wrote on here. Remember every soul that you take away from the Kingdom goes against you in the end. - 06/20/2006 - Jennifer

how dare you insult something that people hold to be sacred, you are a filth opon society and its because of web sites of slander and hatred such as this that breed feelings of hatred and prejudice - 06/19/2006 - anon

You better hope Christianity is not true- never mind Mormonism..or you be in v-e-r-y hot lava..for eternity. Repent oh ye sinners, for the Kingdom of God is at hand. Let the Lord lift you out of the gall of bitterness which has become your morning, afternoon and evening java- your overlowing cup of muddy water. You blaspheme everything that is sacred. Your irreverent humor is born of him who will last and lasting laugh..reverberating throughout the halls of your everlasting expense. No joke. Bow humbly before the Lord God Almighty and reent..while there is still time. - 06/10/2006 - Mormon-turned-Christian

I didnt find this funny at all... STuPID no life idiot!! - 02/11/2006 - Jayedi


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