Parody News from the Salamander Society - 02/11/2007

February 11, 2007

5000 year old couple found locked in five points of fellowship.

5000 year old couple found locked in five points of fellowship

BYU FARMS workers unearth ancient remains of couple in Missouri. Latter-day Saints have bone to pick with Masons over controversy.

by Anubis and others - MSNBC - Missouri Saintly News Broad Casting

Adam Ondi Ahman, Missouri - Daniel C Peterson, FARMS worker at Brigham Young University was elated to release the news of the recently discovered remains of an ancient couple a top a hill at the most sacred site of Mormondum, Adam Ondi Ahman.

One ex-Mormon skeptic who happened to be touring the Mormon historic location commented, "I am still waiting for a FPR about the remains of the two people found locked embracing each other."

Brother Peterson bore solemn witness that this announcement is NOT a FPR (Faith Promoting Rumour) but solid evidence of the ancient origin of the Mormon endowment ceremony.

Peterson went on to explain. "Since the times of Adam man knew about the five points of fellowship. This couple was merely acting this out as a effort for Jehova, the God of the Old Testament to exhalt them."

Scott Peterson, crack molecular biologist for the Lord process ancient DNA. Scott Woodward, molecular biologist with ties to Brigham Young University was on the site removing DNA samples from the teeth of the demised couple.

Woodward's gleefully stated, "With enough lab equipment, analysis and prayer and fasting I will be able to determine if this couple is the real Adam and Eve. The Brethren don't call me a 'pay-lay-ientogoist' for nothing!"

Ed Yates, science reporter for KSL-TV in Salt Lake City seemed embarrassed to note, "Recently in Denmark they unearthed a similar 5000 year old couple holding hands. Evidence suggested that they were both brutally executed with slashes to the throat, breasts and gut. However, both were male."

Thinking the camera and microphone were off, Brother Peterson quipped, "Maybe they were Adam and Steve and 'blood atonement' was still in practice then. Elder Packer would really appreciate that one!"

Hyrum Nephi Cannon, a student visiting from BYU Idaho commented, "Maybe it's just my morbid side, but this story makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Oh, and by the way what are the five points of fellowship? Maybe I fell asleep during that part of the temple endowment." "

The Jackson County Sheriff's Office wanted to rule out any suspicion of foul-play by calling in the CCSI (Church Crime Scene Investigators) to search for traces of white polyester, green fig leaf fragments or olive oil on or around the remains.

Back in Utah many mental health crisis lines reported urgent calls from former Mormons complaining of Post Traumatic Shock flash backs after seeing this breaking story. One caller complained, "I saw the news and of course the first thing that comes to mind? Temple crap. God I hate the Mormon Cult!"

When current Mormon Prophet, Seer and Revelator Gordon B Hinckley was contacted for the final word on the matter he said, "Hold on, let me see if I can get my ol' ancient artifact expert and friend, Mark Hofmann on the phone and I'll get right back with you."

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February 7, 2007

Gordon B Hinckley captured during reverse resurrection.

Hinckley reveals new doctrine of reverse resurrection

The Prophet Gordon B Hinckley as he awakes and arises during the morning session of General Conference thus commencing reverse resurrection for all those who wish to receive it.

by Larry King - CCN - Crazy Christian Network

Salt Lake City - Salt Lake City - Gordon Hinckley left General Conference goers in shock and awe with his stunning new revelation of "Reverse Resurrection" which was also canonized as Doctrine and Covenants section 139.

The Brethren in rapture of reverse resurrection. As Hinckley stood at the podium his gaze left the teleprompter and his eyes appeared to rise towards Kolob. With unusual vigor and clarity of voice the prophet declared.

And it comes to pass my dear brothers and sisters that I am about to die right here at this podium before your very eyes. I don't mean your spiritual eyes, I mean your real eyes.

I will be the first one in these latter-days to be so blessed with Reverse Resurrection and all of you may follow me at your individually appointed times.

Doctrine and Covenants Section 139 as revealed to the Prophet Gordon B Hinckley April 1, 2007

1. Thus saith the Lord, From this day forward life shall be lived backwards.

2. We will start out dead and get that out of the way right off. All of those Son and Daughter of Perdition, Telestial Kingdom and eternal damnation scare tactics and vicarious work in the temples for the deceased shall henceforth and forever be done away with.

3. Then, we shall awaken in old age homes feeling better and better every day. Health shall be restored in our navels, loins and in our sinews.

4. We shall be discharged from these care facilities for being too healthy; we shall then go collect our pensions and retirements, then when we shall start work, we shall receive gold watches our very first day on the job.

5. Yea, we shall work 40 years until we are young enough to enjoy our retirement and will not be called upon to serve missions for the Church.

6. Yea verily we shall taste of alcohol, we shall party, we shall generally become impulsive, creative and prone to spontaneity and we shall prepare ourselves for High School.

7. And it shall come to pass that we shall go to primary school, we shall become as little children, we shall play, we shall have no responsibilities, yea, we shall become as babies, and then.

8. We shall spend our last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day.

9. Lo and behold we shall then finish off as one eternal orgasm.

At that moment the General Authorities were swept away in rapture, angels were seen and heard singing "Come Come Ye Saints" and "We Thank Thee Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, For A Prophet."

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February 1, 2007

Mormon missionaries thrilled with new garments.

LDS Church changes undergarment design for missionaries

Mormon missionaries like these all over the world express their glee with the new temple garments.

by Robert B and Just Thinking - GGN - God's Garment News

Salt Lake City - Salt Lake City-LDS Church spokesman LeDon Adams announced today that the Utah-based Mormon Church has made significant design changes in the undergarment worn by church missionaries. "Garments," as they are commonly referred to by Mormons, are underwear faithful Mormons receive after attending a special ceremony in a temple. They are said to provide the wearer with both spiritual and physical protection.

"Many members report being protected by the garments from both spiritual and physical danger," he said. "But we don't want to appear to be superstitious or weird."

The church has undertaken the research in order to better protect its missionaries in the field. In spite of rules to the contrary, a significant number of missionaries are believed by the church to engage in water sports and other potentially dangerous activities on their days off.

One garment design undergoing testing inflates like water wings when the water level reaches to the chest of its wearer. "The scriptures say Satan will ride upon the waters. We want to give our young missionaries every chance." Adams said.

A number of garment enhancements are being tested by Church Technology Research (CTR), a little known program at Brigham Young University. It is rumored that one design for missionaries calls for the release of a strong garlic odor when the garment material interacts with female pheromones.

Another design is said to incorporate computer chip technology into the clothing, allowing vital signs and locations to be monitored. It is hoped that such monitoring will increase attendance at church meetings and the efficiency of its programs.

For now, distribution will be limited to missionaries. Should field tests prove successful, enhanced garments implementing various technologies will be made available to members eligible to attend the temple.

An unnamed source in the Church Office Building reports that the Mormon temple ceremony script is being revised to include the phrase "go-go-gadget-garments" to assist members in using the new underwear.

The latest model Jesus Jammie, the JJ - 69, is undergoing testing.

In response to several suggestions from mission presidents and church leaders the JJ-69 garment will incorporate numerous technological advances, including:

Elder Uchtdorf models new Garment Mark Pasties. 1. Intel crotch sensor - when excessive turgidity in the area is detected a series of electrical shocks (called 'factory jolts')are repeatedly administered to any offending appendages or orifices until the offensive behavior subsides.

2. Knee Whacker - relying on a built in timer KW sends a paralyzing impulse to the leg muscles ensuring that the wearer will be down on their knees at the appropriate times for morning and evening prayers.

3. Dozer Detector - again relying on the built-in electronic timer DD switches on for 3 hour block periods every Sunday. If DD detects sonorous breathing during that time a powerful constricting sack squeezes around the wearer's testicles.

4. Tithing Settlement Transducer - Active during the last week of December TST gives an hourly warning buzzing echo right behind the eyeballs as a reminder to promptly attend tithing settlement at the earliest opportunity. This feature can only be deactivated by the bishop waving the wearer's head over a demagnetizing strip.

5. WOW warning - Sensitive atmospheric samplers constantly check for the presence of nicotine, alcohol, and 'weed' within 6 inches. Violent retching is induced if any of these substances approach any closer.

Planned future developments include a Conference Co-ordinator to ensure full attendance at all sessions; a Temple Tagger that checks for at least monthly throat slicing motions; and a flip out crib sheet with stock Mormon phrases (such as "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt") that can referred to whenever the speaker runs out of something to say.

One missionary advocated Garment Mark Pasties (TM). "You could have the benefit of the protecting marks without the fuss of the whole garment. Some could be designed to look like Band-Aids and would be appropriate for wearing while participating in sports."

However, liability concerns over possible misplacement of the marks resulting in uncertain magical effects have held up production of the the GMPs.

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January 18,2007

Sheri Dew.

Sheri Dew's Immaculate Conception To Help Mainstream Mormonism

Sheri Dew, President of Deseret Book reveals the evidence of her "Immaculate Conception" outside of the Nauvoo Mormon temple where she claimed the sacred, not secret event took place. Her long time faithful companion, Eva Green gazes upon her with admiring eyes.

by Peggy Stacked Fletcher - CCN - Christian Conception News

Nauvoo, Illinois - "We live in the fullness of times with miracles and marvels of Biblical proportions from the hands of God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Ghost" testified Gordon B Hinckley to the world.

"Our very own Sister Dew's 'Immaculate Conception' is comparable to that of Mother Mary. Sister Dew truly is a Latter-day Saint in the Lord's eyes. How blessed is she!"

"We Mormons finally have a consummate Christian event that will create significant inroads on the huge Catholic market share of big religion and big business."

The current Mormon Prophet, Hinckley interjected some of his classic humor into the solemn announcement, "I didn't know that we taught 'Immaculate Conception Doctrine' but I sure 'Dew' now."

In fact a representative of the Bruce R McConkie family stated. "Looks like were switching from calling the Catholic Church the "Great and Abominable' to the "Great and Admirable. Mother Mary and Mother Sheri - from quite contrary to totally contemporary!"

Church spokesman, Dale Bills informed reporters that news of the "special event" surfaced during Sister Dew's bi-annual Temple Recommend interviews with her Bishop and Stake President.

According to secret transcripts provided by the Strengthening the Members Committee - SWAT (Sneaky Weasels Analyze Testimonies) Team, Sister Dew is claiming that a true Mormon miracle has come to pass.

Sheri Dew stars in BYU Movies smash hit - 50 year old virgin. Here is the inspired version in Sister Dew's own words.

"And it came to pass that about five months ago I was reverently folding my arms as I approached the veil in the Nauvoo temple when suddenly I felt swept away by an unseen force drawing me into the five points of fellowship."

"Having never 'known' a man before I allowed myself to be taken by this unseen force into a rapture heretofore unknown to me. I felt the reassurance and delicious warmth of what could be described as a flaming sword wielded by an angelic being of the masculine persuasion."

"With my spiritual eyes the veil was opened and I beheld the holy countenance of the Prophet Joseph Smith wearing a translucent robe. I was able to ascertain that he was not wearing temple garments."

"And it came to pass that by the power and fullness of Joseph's priesthood that I had not entered a sacred grove, rather my sacred grove had been entered, bestowing me with unspeakable joy, as if hieing unto Kolob."

"After repeating the words 'Oh God, hear the words of my mouth three times' I found myself in the Holy of Holies basking in the after glow of the Spirit."

"And it came to pass that I had a strong urge to participate in the washing (myself from the blood and sins of this generation) and anointing (myself to be a Queen and Priestess unto the most High God.)"

Sheri Dew - If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard: And Other Reassuring Half-truths. President Hinckley added, "This is no couplet or little fleck of history. Sister Dew now carries within her womb the royal seed of God the Father, through the lineage of Jesus Christ down through all the generations to Joseph Smith, Jr., our beloved prophet. For soon unto us, a prophet will be born by Sister Dew who will reign in the Millennium."

"I am trying to persuade the Savior to return in glory to Salt Lake City rather than Jackson County, Missouri due to the billions I'm spending on the Conference Center, the City Creek Mall, New Church History Museum, two new temples in the valley and various other monuments to myself."

An admirer asked Sister Dew if her experience at the temple veil inspired the writing of her latest book, "If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard: And Other Reassuring Half-truths." Dew replied, "No Doubt About It," an obvious plug for another book of hers that has not been selling well.

"Does this mean you are now sealed for time and all eternity to Joseph Smith?" a local Relief Society president who was hungering and thirsting after righteousness inquired of Sister Dew.

"Yes, myself and thirty seven other women get to share him forever." Dew stated with a sigh of relief.

Dale Bills interjected, "Now as far as your thirst, sweet sister, it is obvious that Joseph Smith had no problem with 'Mount'n Dew' in the temple."

Sheri Dew delivery site at the BYU Administration Building. Unfortunately, the much anticipated movie "The 50 Year Old Virgin" starring Sheri Dew bombed at the box office and at the Temple Square Visitors Center. This in spite of hundreds of local LDS ward members and all Deseret Book employees being assigned to buy tickets to the movie.

In humility, Sister Dew's meager Church employee salary will be insufficient to care for her expanding family. The Holy "dead beat" Father will not be around to help care for His son but has made provisions for his care through the local Bishop's Storehouse for food and Deseret Industries for clothing.

In order to help defray her maternity and medical expenses as a soon to be single mother, Sister Dew plans on birthing the Royal Child inside the BYU Administration Building.

This hallowed area in the lobby is the same location of the famous 2005 Smithmas Nativity Scene celebrating the 200th birthday of the Holy Father of Sister Dew's unborn child.

The faithful will actually be allowed to see and visit with the Holy Child and Mother Sheri as they begin their new lives in Happy Valley. The crib is rumored to be the same one that Lucy Mack Smith used to care for her young baby prophet over 200 years ago in Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont.

With both an ultra-sound and Patriarchal Blessing confirming the unborn child to be a male, Sister Dew announced her child shall be named Wee William Joseph Dew - WWJD in honor of his royal father, Joseph Smith, Jr. Sister Dew also came up with a new slogan, Conceive The Righteous - CTR.

Deseret Book immediately realized the marketing bonanza of WWJD and CTR rings and wristbands to the millions of the faithful Latter-day Saints at October and April General Conference.

The Brethren also plan to re-shoot and re-edit Sister Dew's movie and re-name it "Mother Sheri - The Mormon Miracle."

The LDS Church's public relations firm, Edleman World Wide is suggesting that the Holy Birth be digitally captured and placed on YouTube. The referral and conversion potential of this event could reverse the stagnant church growth created by the Internet in the first place.

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January 7,2007

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Bloggers believes the Internet 
now connects directly to God with the Holy Ghost serving as ISP - Internet Service Provider.

"We're bearin' down on evil by bearin' testimony 24/7" - LDS enter world of blogging

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Bloggers believes the Internet now connects directly to God with the Holy Ghost serving as ISP - Internet Service Provider.

by Uncle Mo - CCN - Computing Church News

Salt Lake City - "Yep, we're bearin' down on evil by bearin' testimony 24/7" stated representative Elder Jensen as his church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced their official entry into blogging. About their new software he continued "Those who need spiritual guidance will have their blog entries forwarded straight to their Bishops. We're assisting members to follow Jesus like never before."

The LDS Church hired world class programmers to write software that alerts Priesthood Leaders to the influence of Satan. Consultant Peter Faundler elaborated "There are over 500 different euphemisms for stealing, 400 for lying, and 600 for 'playing with your little factory' that our software must identify. As you can see, my hands are full penetrating through the technical issues to sate the desires of the Brethren. It gives me tremendous pleasure to create the first software that can literally feel the spirit."

LDS Apostle David Bednar commented saying, "Our busy Bishops receive no salary, not even a six-figure stipend. So, the new software saves time through the use of preemptive counseling. When the occasional Disiplinary Council arises it supplies convenient exhibits of the accused's actions. With time saved Bishops can now spend an additional hour per week reading the Book of Mormon with their families."

Testimony takers in Ghana Africa. For a modest fee authors can have their blogs etched onto gold-colored, metal plates that are delivered to their door. Instructions on how to build a backyard, stone-lined vault for storage can be downloaded from the LDS website.

A less expensive service translates your blog into Egyptian and prints it on papyrus-like paper suitable for framing. Through careful research LDS programmers created software that uses Joseph Smith's exact translation methods. This was confirmed by independent Egyptologist, Jeffrey Gedrose, stating, "It's amazing. No matter what I input into their software a variation of the Egyptian 'Book of Breathings' is output. They've totally captured Joseph Smith's style of translation."

Thomas S Monson slogs and blogs. To help potential bloggers, the Church provides starter templates addressing certain subject areas that authors can blog about. The Brethren have identified five areas that will be stressed. They are 1) Tithing 2) Avoiding pornography 3) Tithing 4) Avoiding pornography and 5) Tithing.

In preparation for the final rollout, the LDS Church road tested their new software in a Ward in Sandy, Utah. Trial participant, Sister Arvonne Merrell, commented "One day in anger I blogged that I wanted to slap my Relief Society President for publicly rebuking me about working outside our home. My Bishop was immediately notified. When he threatened to take away my Temple Recommend the Spirit told me it was time to repent."

Another member, Justin Paine, enrolled in the Young Men's program, gave this testimonial. "One day in frustration I blogged about how I wanted to touch a certain part of my anatomy in an unwholesome manner. It was my cry for help and the Lord heard my plea before I committed an act that would make me loathe myself more than I already do."

As a climax to the trial period Pres. Thomas S. Monson presided over a two-hour testimony meeting in the Sandy, UT Ward and in his closing remarks stated, "I give you a solemn promise, brothers and sisters. I remember visting dear Sister Tanner, my Primary teacher, in a nursing home some time ago. Aged and in the advanced stages of dementia I placed a plate of warm molasses cookies on her lap - the kind she used to bake for me and my childhood pet, Skipper.

Unresponsive, she drooled on the cookies for some time. Then in a flash of recognition she blurted 'Is that you?'. I said 'Yes! Yes! It's me Sister Tanner, little Tommy Monson!' Then, referring to me by my childhood nickname, she called out 'No cookies for you, Lardo' before lapsing into a coma. Hearts were touched, testimonies born, prayers answered, and moistened cookies were served."

The new program will be rolled out for the general membership prior to the next General Conference.

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December 27,2006

Church Office Building veiled by Trojan Brand condom during remodeling.

Trojan Brand Veils Church Office Building During Remodeling

LDS General Authorities pray construction will be completed prior to April General Conference so that President Hinckley will not embarrass them with some lame attempt at humor about the obvious symbolism.

by The Mighty Builder and Stray Mutt - CNN - Construction News Network

Salt Lake City - Investigators and inspectors have just learned that there are major structural problems with the Church Office Building.

The outside cladding is made of concrete panels. The panels have rebar reinforcing grids throughout. The rebar is corroding (which causes swelling) due to the hygroscopic properties of concrete (affinity for water) and the concrete is separating around the rebar.

The concrete panels are becoming unstable and will eventually separate and fall off the face of the building.

"Of course we never want to lose face in the eyes of the world. President Hinckley felt inspired to take immedidate action against the evil forces of nature currently attacking us, the Lord's chosen people." explained Bruce L Olsen, official Church public relations director.

The same thing has happened to the Mexico City Temple and the Mormon church is going to replace the facing with stone panels.

Hartman Erector,Jr., head of Church Facilities informed reporters that stone panels from the famous Viagra Marble Quarry in Northern Italy will be shipped to Salt Lake City for these repairs.

"The Viagra Marble is the same precious stone used by Michelangelo in his statue of David." boasted Erector.

Elder Erector was quick to add that no tithing funds will be used for this project because all available such funds are being consumed by the new City Creek Church Mall project.

Trojan Brand spokesman, Joe Smithrod explained how thin, well lubricated and strong the veil had to be in order to protect workers and visitors from the falling panels. "The transparency will prevent Temple Square visitors from mistaking the building for a condominium rather than Church Offices. The Mormon Church already has too many 'phallusies' and we don't want to add any more."

For young Mormon couples lucky enough to be sealed in the adjacent Salt Lake Temple, the photo opportunities in front of the Church Office Building will long be remembered.

Elder Boyd K Packer was quick to insert, "Let not our young married couples take this as a suggestion to use contraception on their honeymoons, else the Kingdom of God on earth shrinketh! However, I must confess that this is biggest little factory I've ever seen. I stand all amazed!"

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December 24,2006

Smith Hinckley Visa Card Temple Recommend.

Visa Card Combines With LDS Temple Recommend

Images of Joseph Smith and Gordon Hinckley grace the face of the all new Visa Temple Recommend Card.

by Jerry the Aspousestate and cricket - CCNN - Church Cash News Network

Salt Lake City - After consultation the Edleman World Wide Public Relations and Jesus Christ, President Gordon B Hinckley revealed a previously secret by not sacred merger between the LDS Church and Visa Card.

Prompted by decreasing faithfulness, tithe payments and monthly temple attendance Hinckley will now offer Mormons gifts for miles, points and temple visits.

When temple patrons present themselves at the veil for their endowment or reception of their new name they will simply swipe their Visa Temple Recomment while manifesting the sure sign of the sale. This $piritual transaction will be noted by the computer at Church Headquarters and by angels silent notes taking.

Temple patrons will earn 1,000 miles/points for each temple session and for each $10,000 of tithing paid.

Gift suggestions:

10,000 miles/points for a porcelin Lladro tapir.

25,000 for a free trip to any of the Hill Cumorahs. Your choice of site anywhere in North, South or Central America. There would be no black-out dates, of course.

50,000 wins a personal visit with any General Authority of your choice, except Boyd K Packer who refuses to support any of Hinckley's revelations, ideas, policies or suggestions for personal and spiritual reasons.

100,000 for a visit with YOU!

Terms of the contract will be that as part of the annual tithing settlement members will lose 10% of any unredeemed miles/points.

Hinckley complained, "Those over-priced Edleman consultant folks are charging an arm and a wife for fresh ideas but the sky is falling and I have to pull some sort of trick out of my hat besides that worn out ol' seer stone."

Sandra Tanner suggested, "Brother Hinckley, when you get your credit card (I am sure they will give you #000000000001 with an expiration on the day you arrive back Jackson County, Missouri to greet Jesus at His Second Coming.) you can use your card to donate to: The Exmormon Foundation.

Visa spokesperson, Bruce Olsen patted himself on the back for coming up with the idea to change the 20 year old Visa slogan from "It's Everywhere You Want to Be," to "Eternal Life Takes Visa."

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December 1,2006

Sheri Dew marvels at Hinckley's revelation face.

New Beatitudes added to Doctrine and Covenants

Sheri Dew marvels at Hinckley's countenance during his most recent revelation.

by substrate - APF - Affiliated Pulp Fiction

Salt Lake City - A new revelation to President Hinckley is slated to be officially canonized at April's general conference. This revelation consists of a revised set of beatitudes (not to be confused with Hinckley's prior "Be Attitudes," which will be considered for canonization at a later date).

President Hinckley explains how the revelation came to be. "Sheri and I had just returned from a visit to Sonic (cherry limeade and tots is a great combination), and as I settled into the barcalounger to watch "What Not to Wear," the revelation just came rolling out, like pure strokes of intelligence."

Sister Dew recounted the intensely spiritual experience: "His face changed to a clear, trance-like expression, and at first I thought he was having a stroke. But the words started flowing; I believe I was prompted by the spirit to bring my Blackberry, and I got it all written down."

FARMS director and Food Sciences Professor Daniel Midgley-Welch commented on the divine origins of the revelation: "The language is unmistakably that of the Lord: clear and concise, and yet almost poetic. And the complete absence of chiasmus strongly points to heavenly origins."

The full text of the revelation is as follows:

1. Blessed are the MBAs, for they shall lead my sheep.

2. Blessed are the real estate developers, for they shall inherit the earth.

3. Blessed are obfuscators, for they shall expound my scriptures.

4. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after numerical growth: for they shall be promoted in the hierarchy.

5. Blessed are the lucrative, for they shall have lucre.

6. Blessed are those who touch not the little factory, for they shall obtain forgiveneness.

7. Blessed are the conformists, for they shall be called the children of God.

8. Blessed are they who suffer ridicule for the church's sake, for they shall be called FARMS.

Reached for comment, Jesus simply rolled his eyes and smiled ruefully.

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November 16,2006

Mitt Romney Jeffrey Holland run for the presidency ticket.

Mitt and Jeff Run For Presidency

Mitt Romney and Jeffrey Holland claim to be the Lord's ticket for the presidency in 2008.

by cricket - AP - Affiliated Pharisees

Salt Lake City - Mitt Romney surprised conservate voters by announcing his run for U.S.president will include Jeffrey R. Holland, a sitting Mormon apostle as his running mate.

"I picked Jeff Holland as my vice presidential running mate because he's a tough ol' battle worn warrior. Just look at his face. He looks like he's been fighting in the political campaign trenches for twenty years!" bragged Romney.

Mitt Romney and Jeffrey Holland sustained a presidential candidates. Those murmurings started by the Boston Globe last week about Jeff Holland holding closed door meetings with Mitt Romney and prominent Mormon money men appear to be much more than just "faith promoting rumors" - the ACLU charged.

Romney timed his announcement to coincide with the Latter-day Saint General Conference so as to gather more Mormon momentum. Romney claimed, My candidacy shall roll forth unto the ends of the Utah, as the stone which is cut out of the mountain without hands shall roll forth, until it has filled the whole nation."

Romney addressed the solemn assembly of the twenty three thousand faithful conference goers using the "Thirteen Articles of Faith" as his proposed platform for the Republican Party's upcoming convention. All present then voted and sustained Brother Romney and Brother Holland as presidential patrons with power in the priesthood to be upon them and their posterity through all political primaries and through all generations of time.

Romney testified that his patriarchal blessing commanded him to run for the highest office in the land which would atone Mormonism founder, Joseph Smith's failed run for the presidency over a century ago. "With the Lord on our side and with all temple attenders placing the names of Mitt and Jeff on the prayer roll we will smite our enemies and win in a landslide!" Romney prophesied.

Dallin Jeff Holland righteously boasted, "When the Constitution of the United States 'hangs by a thread' Mitt and I will save the day as the Lord's Commanders in Chief."

Holland went on to challenge all Home and Visiting Teachers to not only hand out "Mitt and Jeff" campaign fliers but to email everyone they know, especially BYU alumni. Holland offered the password to his BYU email account to anyone who will help spread the good word.

When the ninety six year old Latter-day Saint Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley was asked for his opinion about the exciting GOP news, he mumbled, "Oh, I don't know much about Mutt and Jeff. I didn't look at that comic strip too much when I was younger. I was too busy doing church work and ghost writing for the Deseret News. And did you know that GOP stands for Grand Old Prophet? Hee, hee, hee!"

Dallin Oaks, another apostle commented. "I am so relieved my good brethren will be running for the presidency. The thought of a female presidency like Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice or Oprah Winfrey is too threatening to my Holy Masculinic Priesthood. To use presiding as an example, what I am saying is that women should not attempt to be manly presidents. Nor should women emulate the worldly ways of womanhood. A woman's destiny is to be a wife and a mother in Zion, not a model and a streetwalker in Babylon. Take my second wife Kristen for example, she's such a trophy and example even if she doesn't know how to sort socks."

Maureen Dowd from the New York Times grilled Romney, "The Mormon Church funding and sponsoring your campaign is a direct violation of IRS tax excempt rules and regulations. How can you brethren be so brazen?"

"Well Sister Dowd, it's quite easy. With Orrin Hatch and Harry Reid in congress we will change the Internal Revenue Service to the Internal Religion Service" boasted Romney. "Step aside Sister Dowd, "Today is the day of my power and I will will take the treasury of the United States and buy up armies and navies, popes and priests and reign with blood atonement and horror on the earth!"

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November 12,2006

Book of Mormon original manuscript is blank.

LDS Church Issues New "Corrected" Book of Mormon

The miraculous discovery of an even more "most correct book" goes on display.

by Tal Bachman - AP - Associated Prophets

Salt Lake City - A representative of the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today announced a new and "corrected" edition of the church's founding scripture, the Book of Mormon.

"We are incredibly excited", said church spokeman I. Bray Forluker. "We believe, as we always have, that the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on earth. And yet certain 'errors of men' have crept in repeatedly throughout the successive printings. This latest edition, produced under the careful eye of BYU researcher Royal Skousen, we believe represents an end to this journey, once and for all".

Forluker noted that Skousen's research over the years has uncovered earlier and earlier versions of the manuscripts, including the original foolscap dictation pages from scribes such as Oliver Cowdery and David Whitmer. But three years ago, after careful testing of the foolscap pages, Skousen made what he terms "the discovery of a lifetime".

Royal Skousen's blank mind leads to miracle. "It turns out that the very earliest editions of the scribes' dication pages - and therefore the most accurate versions of all - consisted of blank, unwritten-on pages!", says an exciting Skousen. "We even devised a number of sophisicated tests to prove that prior to the pages being written on - prior to what we now call the 'second version' of the Book of Mormon - that they had not been written on at all".

The church's new edition of the Book of Mormon accordingly consists of just over 400 totally blank pages. "Not only is this the most accurate version of the Book of Mormon we've ever had", noted church apostle Dallin H. Oaks. "It just so happens it will also be the most faith-promoting. Never again will our enemies be able to compare all of their so-called 'facts', with the 'content' of so-called 'Book of Mormon passages'.

The only 'passage' now is, whatever the still, small voice of the spirit tells individual members what is there *beyond* the blank page. In other words, enemies refer to these pages as 'blank', but in truth, because of the spirit, they have never been more filled. And never has our faith been more secure".

LDS historian Richard Bushman applauds the changes. "I noted in my recent book 'Rough Stone Rolling' that it is not even definitively established that the Book of Mormon is supposed to have taken place in America. But even that was understating it - we now know that absolutely nothing at all in the Book of Mormon can be definitively established, or even indefinitively established, or even presumed to be alluding to a sliver of a hint of a particular possibility, since the Lord has finally revealed that the Book of Mormon should not only not be presumed to have any fixed meaning at all, *but not even any text*".

Book of Mormon blank leads to inspiration. Forluker denied this latest edition was simply another in a long-line of increasingly desperate attempts to reinforce belief in the much-beleaguered Book of Mormon against a mountain of evidence suggesting it was authored, not "translated", by Joseph Smith in the late 1820's.

"We categorically deny this charge", said Forluker. "In fact, if that were really so, the church would not at this very moment also be finishing a new edition of the Book of Abraham, which as it happens, is also being returned to its original, most accurate state, as a sheaf of blank papers.

"Mormons do not 'confine the sacred'. All of us are now free to project I mean *receive revelation about*, whatever it is we most need those blank pages to be", continued Forluker. "Some members may need them to mean that Native Americans are Israelites, or that they are not Israelites, or that blacks are inferior, or that they are not inferior, or that polygamy is the marital order of the celestial kingdom, or that it is not. It really just depends on our own individual requirements for belief, and our own unique relationship with 'the spirit'. And I would also add, that without a living prophet, who has made it absolutely clear that the Lord wants this change, I don't know what we would do, or how we would know *what* to believe in anymore...".

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November 11,2006

Richard Lyman Bushman's nose grows.

FARMS Unveils New UNlimited Geography Theory (UGT)

Oprah's Book Club rejected Richard Lie-Man Bush's Deseret Book best seller in spite of Gladys Knight's intense lobbying.

by Tal Bachman - AP - Always Provo

Provo - Scholars at the Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies (FARMS) today unveiled a revised version of last year's Three Cumorahs Theory, called the Unlimited Geography Theory (UGT). BYU anthropologist John Sorenson and historian Richard Bushman are credited as the primary inventors of the theory.

"Hey - the Book of Mormon is true. And whatever you need that to mean, is what it means", said a beleaguered-looking Bushman at a recent press conference. "America, Malaysia, Africa...it doesn't really matter". The whole point of the UGT, he says, is that members just need to keep "knowing" that "it's true, it's true, it's true", and not to get bogged down by questions like, "what would that really mean?".

Joseph L Allen increases cash flow with Book of Mormon Tours. Bushman went on to explain that not only has it not been definitively established that Book of Mormon events took place in America, as he noted in his recent book "Rough Stone Rolling", but that "they have not even been definitively established to have occurred on our planet, in our galaxy, or even in our dimension".

BYU physicist John Sinclair, in a separate interview, says that for years, physicists have speculated about the existence of an infinity of universes, that is, that reality is one big "multiverse". "That means there is a literal infinity of places or dimensions the Book of Mormon events could have taken place in. They could even be taking place right now, where we stand, just in another dimension that we can't see, and maybe Joseph Smith just saw it all in prophetic vision. I would even say that even if those events only ever happened in Joseph Smith's imagination, that 'Joseph's imagination' still qualifies as a 'place', and that therefore, the Book of Mormon, technically speaking', would still be 'true'".

In a related story, FARMS writer DonLoy Q. Rotundsen continues to deny that Mormonism is cannibalizing itself to try to stay alive. When asked how then he explains the fact that church leaders have not condemned the UGT, which after all contradicts 175 years of official church doctrine and the text of the Book of Mormon itself, Rotundsen replied confidently, "The answer to that is very clear: Tal Bachman is a one-hit wonder, and Bob McCue's essays are really long". When asked what that had to do with accelerating Mormon cannibalization efforts, Rotundsen complained he had been "misunderstood", and declared he was being victimized by "unprecedented anti-Mormon bigotry, hatred, and prejudice".

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