October 12, 2018
Professor Scott Wayward gained fame for recently sequencing the mitochondrial genome of the "Mormon cricket," the
insect said to have scourged Utah's early settlers' crops until the miraculous intervention of California gulls.
According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, this is the first published insect genome in the world and proves that the "Mormon
cricket's" first parents were with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, now located in Jackson County, Missouri.
"Where else should the Mormon cricket be studied than at BYU?" testified Michael Whiting, BYU professor of biology and Wayward's faculty best friend
forever. "But more than curiosity, we were interested because this is an important pest species, much like the Mormons themselves were back in
Missouri during the 1840's."
"What really, really, really bugs me about President Nelson badmouthing my Mormon crickets is that my colleagues and peers will laugh me off the
podium at scientific conferences when I seriously present 'A Member of The Church of Jesus christ of Latter-day Saints Cricket
Mitochondrial Genome'
as my topic," murmured Professor Wayward.
Wayward went on, "This ridiculous name change is such a mouthful that even the voracious Mormon cricket can't choke it down and the seagulls can't
spit it out without squawking!"
Wayward is asking the small claims court to award him $666.00 for the expense of republishing his works with the new title mandated by President Nelson.
Phone calls to Kirton McConkie, the Mormon Church's legal firm about pending disciplinary actions against Brother Wayward went unanswered.
February 18, 2014
The press conference had to be relocated to the tabernacle due to the unexpected international interest.
In attendance was a huge crush of media muppets, paparazzi,
reporters, bloggers, defense attorneys, stock market analysts, hedge fund managers, real estate developers, cattle ranchers, citrus farmers, accountants, IRS agents,
Church Office Building workers, membership resignation clerks, United Kingdom Magistrate barristers, Utah Lightouse Ministers, disgruntled former Mormons and two
thousand stippling widows all hoping that Thomas S. Monson, even the Prophet, Seer and Revelator would reveal his true mantle and manly mettle.
Elder E. B. Grandin, presiding printer, detailed the donation slip updates for reporters with a carefully scripted presentation which he read from a
teleprompter.
Assistants to Grandin also passed out thousand of the new donations slips to all of those who would receive them after he had commanded them to "all arise."
Grandin focused the press conference goers on the most obvious change, the lovely two toned green highlighted section. "Yes, were are going green big time!"
Geraldo Rivera, investigative reporter for the Huffington Post asked, "What prompted Jesus Christ to finally awaken Thomas Monson to the global warming crisis?"
Grandin appeared to suffer from an acute case of "stupor of thought" but then cleared up the confusion in his mind. "Oh no, President Monson never had global warming
on his mind at all. The prophet was inspired to use a green background because Mormons are more inclined to think "money" and donate more when they see green.
Peggy Fetcher Staxx, of the Salt Lake Tribunal blurted out, "This shade of color reminds me of the warm fuzzies I get all over after eating my yummy gree Jell-O."
Grandin was barely able to regain control of the press conference as he smoothly segued, "Yes, we hope and pray that the Saints will warm up to the these
pathetic, Oh Jeez, I mean, prophetic priorities on their new donation slips.
Grandin then "turned the time over" to Kurt N. McConkie, Monson's personal attorney.
"Now brothers and sisters, er' uh' I mean, ladies and gentlemen, we are not playing any games here. We admit that President Monson now faces serious fraud charges pending
against him and his very 'corporate soul' over in United Kingdom." McConkie murmured.
Official LDS spokesperson, Ruth Todd stepped up, grabbed a donation slip from Brother Grandin, filled it out on the spot, checked the $10,000 dollar box, wrote out her check
and personally handed her humble offering to Mr.. McConkie. With what many observed as a plastic smile, she testified how happy she was to set an example of generosity for others
to follow. Todd, quipped, "Besides, this is great for my job security and as woman working for my church, I need all of the help I can get!"
Todd concluded the press conference by apologizing on behalf of President Monson who failed to make himself manifest. "I know you are disappointed but we do have
the Prophet's personal signature machine here standing by for autographs at only $100 each. Please form a line right behind me."
February 7, 2012
Thomas S. Monson, best known for playing the role of prophet, seer and revelator in the failed sitcom "Latter-Happy Days," has been busted
by the FBI for swindling millions from the only Mormon more famous than himself, Mitt Romney.
Special Agent, Joe Smith Friday in presenting only the facts told reporters, "Jealousy and greed were the motives behind this full blown Fonzie Scheme."
Three witnesses say that Monson used his sing-song charm to con Romney, often deflecting probing questions about proper use of his tithing donations
by giving him the thumbs up and assuring the presidential candidate that everything was "cool."
Mitt Romney, who downplays his "blind obedience" to Mormon leaders, reportedly handed over ten percent of his gross earnings when Monson simply looked at him
and said, "Aaaaaay."
Oscar-winning filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme and is so angry that he has agreed to fund, produce and direct the movie
version of Jon Krakauer's best seller, "Under the Banner of Heaven."
"Yeah, Monson's ploy was to Get 'Richie' quick and wow, he got me good!" Howard fumed.
Mitt Romney, attempting to handle the embarrassment with humor, wise-cracked, "I assumed Prophet Monson could make stock-market fortunes by just
snapping his fingers."
The only other famous Mormons, Donnie Osmond lost his shirt and Marie lost her pants in the scheme. Covering her shame, Marie blamed her pantsing on the sudden
weight loss for her Nutri-Systems TV commercial.
Jan Shipwreck, a noted loyal Mormon observer speculated that due to the Internet exposing the skeletons of Mormonism and thousand of sheep leaving the fold and taking
their cash with them, Monson must have buried his face in a hat to concoct such a Fonzie Scheme Revelation.
November 28, 2010
In the tradition of paying top rates for top teer entertainers, President Thomas S. Monson gleefully announced the headliners for the 2010 Christmas Concert on Temple Square
Monson had prayed fervently for another female star such as last year's smash hit, Natalie Cole. The Lord revealed to his humble servant that
Alice Cooper was to continue the legacy of female superstars to perform in the Conference Center.
During the question and answer session with the media Alice Cooper stated: "There were so many rumors about me being a Mormon, I thought
what the hell, why not go along with this gig. Oh, and don't tell President Monson I am really a guy or he'll cancel my sweet contract and
I'll be out $250 grand."
Not to be upstaged, Elder Boyd Packer commanded all the priesthood powers he could muster and called forth from the Morning of
the First Resurrection a deceased rock star whose gay desires had been healed by the power of The Atonement. Yes, even Freddy
Mercury, the lead singer of Queen.
Freddy Mercury explained that after his death in 1991 while floating around Perdition he felt himself being sucked through a time warp
into the baptismal font of the Provo Utah Mormon Temple.
Mercury went on to add: "I also realized that I was not alone, but blessed to be baptized along with Anne Frank, Charlton Heston, Albert
Einstein, Marilyn Monroe and Jim Morrison."
"In honor of my necro-conversion to Mormonism and changing of my gay way I will perform my greatest hits - Mo-hemian Rhapsody and
We (The Mormons) Are The Champions."
Phone calls to Donny and Marie Osmond for their reaction to Cooper and Mercury's statements we not returned.
March 17, 2010
Reversing nearly 180 years of the traditional LDS Semiannual General Conferences, Prophet Thomas S. Monson announced the scaling down of General
Conference from twice a year to only once a year.
This surprise revelation was received with a huge collective sigh of relief from the 13.5 million body of Latter-day Saints around the
globe. This sigh of relief was so massive that it actually registered a 5.6 on the Richter Scale along the Wasatch Fault in Salt Lake City.
Attempting to appeal to a younger demographic Monson mimicked Dave Letterman's Top Ten list gimick.
Top Ten Reasons for my revelation to cut back General Conference - by Thomas S. Monson
9. All of the widows I try to visit have dementia and treat me as a dangerous intruder so this just isn't as much fun as it used to be.
8. Eliminating one weekend of General Conference will allow me to speak at a miniumum of four additional funerals a year increasing my
chances of scoring on a famous dead Mormon or two for PR reasons.
7. Redundancy twice a year has not increased activity rates more than redundancy once a year. Come to think of it, if my revelation works
well, the Lord may tell me to hold General Conference only once a decade! "Now that's my idea of perfection in redundancy!"
6. One more Sunday of regular church block meetings will produce about 437 million in tithing receipts that otherwise the sheep would be able to
avoid.
5. The General Church budget will save seven million dollars with conference related ticket printing, travel, lodging, security, air-conditioning all the hot air
spewed forth in the Conference Center, traffic control, between session catering for G.A. meals in the Church Office Building, and
non-revenue generating TV time on KSL-TV.
4. The General Conference sales and promotions at Deseret Book are in the red and flat as a pancake anyway. "My last book is headed toward the
recyling bin, I am embarrassed to admit."
3. Instead of me presiding at another conference I could spend the entire weekend traveling to Tibet and actually have a real spiritual
experience with the Dalai Lama. I have always adored that man and have strived to be more like him every day because Jesus wants me for
a Dalai Lama too.
2. Most Mormons are actually using General Conference weekend to go camping, fishing, boating or working in the yard and garden. We can't
have our faithful getting even a sniff of real lives. I hope the flock never finds out I love to hunt on our Church Welfare Farm properties.
1. I have completely run out of material for my conference talks and I don't want to revert to Paul H. Dunn tactics to fill in the time.
Monson went on to wax eloquent about his personal sigh of relief at finally receiving a revelation. "Lo and behold, I did fret exceedingly
over the dilemma of being a General Authority since the age of 37 and not registering one single official revelation. Obtaing such a dramatic
and globally signtificant revelation as this sure beats that boring "calling and election made sure" stuff I endured for a whole day
in the holy of holies."
LDS spokesbrother, Seymour Proffits clarified for reporters that April 2010 Conference will be announced as the First Somewhat Anal General
Conference with the October 2010 Conference being cancelled per Profit Monson's revelation.
When asked if Monson's revelation will be canonized as scripture, spokesbrother Proffits hinted that the entire Pearl of Great Price may
be de-canonized and totally replaced with Monson's Somewhat Anal Revelation.
Present at the announcement was First Counselor to Monson, Henry B Eyring who interjected, "Our beloved Prophet Monson has never been one
for dogma, details or dot-to-dot doctrine and instead has embraced eucumenical endeavors. President Monson is truly the perfect man for our
perfect church in these troubled times. I so testify that as Gordon Hinckley once was, Thomas Monson may become and as Gordon Hinckley is
Thomas Monson will soon become (Dead, so I can take over power.)"
Brother Iam Somo of the Provo 239th Ward was thrilled. "This monumental moment makes Spencer Kimball's revelation to allow Blacks the
priesthood seem like just a little flick of history now."
Wow! Is this really what you spend your time doing? What a pathetic person you must truly be. - 11/15/2014 - anonymous
Humor is based on truth, and though some truth isn't very useful, it sure is funny. - 09/01/2014 - Nomojoe
Hilarious, I wet myself laughing. Thankyou l haven't laughed so much in ages. - 06/18/2014 - believeinfairies
this isn't funny. - 01/12/2012
Newly inspired
version of the standard donation slip re-prioritizes Mormon monetary matters.
McConkie continued to plea, "President Monson appeals for the faithful to shower him with donations, yeah verily as the manna from heaven so that he will not end up
as his predecessor, Joseph Smith, locked up in jail with a menacing media mob milling about ready for mayhem."
Mitt Romney and Thomas Monson attempt to woo the waning flock of supporters back to their fold
with a dare-the-devil stunt.
10. Boyd K Packer is no longer competent to stand trial, oops, I mean competent to stand behind the podium so we no longer have to be
so anal retentive in obeying his obsessions about proper hair styles, funeral protocols, little factory production quotas, grizzly bear
circus acts for Dallin Oaks, excommunication medlings, missionary email restrictions, shunning gays, feminists, intellectuals, historians, counselors and facts that are
truthful but not useful.
Comment Section