Mormon Theme Parks

ORLANDO, Fla. — In a small theme park not far from the Magic Kingdom, Joseph Smith is the star attraction.

Each afternoon at 5:00, barring heavy rain or lightning, an actor portraying Joseph Smith falls back out a window after a mob shots him in the back. A chorus of professional singers tells the story of the martyrdom as the audience watches in awe, tears flowing.

"I've always said we should have someone standing at the exit with a box of tissue," said Deloy Hansen, executive director of the Joseph Smith American Experience, an attraction that draws more than 20,000 people a year, mostly Mormons who want a trip back in time to the early days of Mormonism.

The theme park — providing a daylong dose of devotional speakers, music and theatrics designed to reinforce Mormon teachings — is one of the most obvious signals that Mormon entertainment has entered the mainstream.

The park began as a daring experiment in 2002 to lure a portion of the 50 million visitors who travel to Orlando each year. By most accounts, it has succeeded in proving that in the United States, religion sells — big time.

In recent years, more and more Mormons, disillusioned by what they consider to be the immodest and wayward ways of Hollywood, have created a more than $4 million-a-year religious entertainment industry, including pageants, music, books, movies, scripture chases and concerts.

Shaped by pop culture

With nearly 1 percent of Americans identifying themselves as Mormons, experts said, religion has become a lucrative part of popular culture.

The influence of Mormons is everywhere, according to Alma Woodruff, a sociologist at New Zion College, but that is because Mormons are being influenced by popular culture, not the other way around.

"I see them as shapers of American culture; I see popular culture being shaped by them," Woodruff said. "Mormons are different from fundamentalists, who reject popular culture because they think it is corrupt. Mormons don't want to reject the world anymore, they want to persuade others to follow in the footsteps of Joseph Smith and convert other people from their religion. Embracing popular culture has allowed them to do that."

The Mormon book industry remains among their top moneymakers, with more than 8,000 religious books sold in 2005. Mormon-theme movies are becoming a one million-dollar a year industry, and last year more than 1 million spiritual albums were sold, and they weren’t even fueled by more than 1,400 Mormon owned radio stations but more by The BYU Channel, which offers Mormon-style entertainment.

The secular entertainment industry is beginning to take notice.

Several years ago, "God’s Army" brought in nearly $4 million nationwide. The film spun off a Mormon movie production market, which in turn has young Mormons passing out contact cards with testimonies written on them in record numbers. With this kind of growth someday Mormon media production may haul in takes like last year’s, "The Chronicles of Narnia," which Walt Disney Pictures directly marketed to churches and other religious outlets, racking up more than $290 million. Items marketed from that film are still bringing Disney cash.

More than a half-dozen Mormon-based movies are playing in theaters in Utah and Idaho, including the sleeper hit "September Dawn," a history-theme drama with a spiritual message.

Since the Mormon music genre became popular in the 1990s with crossover artists such as Jewel, whose mixture of religious lyrics and contemporary music took her to the top of the charts, spiritual music has expanded to include everything from Mormon rock to Mormon rap.

On almost any weekend, young people fill LDS chapels across the nation to sing hymns for Christ and praise to Joseph Smith that appeal to Mormons and general audiences with songs stolen from other faiths-based songs.

"Mormon rock groups took off in the 1990s, and now they are an everyday thing," said Phillip Gunderson, director of the Center for Mormon Studies at California State University. "Like TV commercials, the religious market is designed to appeal to young people. If Mormons do not attract the youth, they will not be able to survive in the future."

"This is not just a bunch of nerds up there singing 'Kumbaya,' these Mormon artists are very fascinating people with a lot of talented musicians," said Brad Tanner, 16, an Orlando LDS seminary student who owns about 200 Mormon rap and music CDs.

A daily pageant

While megachurches have sponsored huge theatrical pageants at Easter and Christmas for decades, the Joseph Smith American Experience was the first to try it on a daily basis five years ago. A similar but smaller pageant, The City of Joseph, opened earlier this year in Nauvoo Ill., less than two hours from the real Carthage, Illinois.

Although attendance at the Joseph Smith American Experience pales in comparison with Disney, it attracts a steady stream of visitors seeking a reaffirmation of Mormon faith. Volunteers wearing period clothing, shawls and vests greet guests at the gate. Visitors enter through the Market Street to an exact replica of the 19th Century city of Nauvoo.

Recorded Mormon Tabernacle Choir music flows through the park, helping to block sounds of the secular world from a highway beyond the hedges carved with the message "Holiness To The Lord." The sound of a town crier announces the day's events: a musical performed in The Nauvoo Temple, a 60-foot-tall marble-facade structure; or a re-enactment of Joseph mingling with the new English converts.

The park holds the world's largest indoor model of Nauvoo, a 45-by-25-foot miniature structure showing what Nauvoo looked liked in A.D. 1840. It also features the Mansion House, a museum housing a private collection of antique manuscripts, Bibles, scrolls and other historical religious artifacts.

It holds church services Sunday and a weekly youth activities and scout groups on Thursdays. But the most popular event is when the actor portraying Joseph is martyred and then is superimposed via special effects on an actor playing Brigham Young.

"We have a core message here — that Christ is the savior of the world — and we present that message through entertainment," said Hansen, the executive director.

"Some people find their faith here, and some come to have their testimony strengthened. At the end of the day, that's the most important thing."

Could be enough curiosity/awareness in the wake of Big Love and Prop 8 that a "temple amusement park ride" would be viable. Re-create the endowment experience in a rented space -- maybe near Temple Square, Disneyland or Las Vegas -- and charge admission.

- Add Washing & Anointing for just $15.

- Extra $10 for pre-1990 endowment with death oaths.

- Have a temple "worthiness" interview for $20. Keep the "recommend" as a memento! (Many of our "Bishops" are actual former Bishops!)

- Souvenir embroidered green aprons available. Complimentary monogramming.

- Our photographer will take your picture at the veil. View proofs at the end of the ride.

- Special today: Buy a raffle ticket for the "witness couple" drawing for only $5 (normally $10).

- Disciplinary council ("Court of Love") available by appointment. (Some of our "Stake Presidents" and "High Councilors" are actual former Stake Presidents and High Councilors!)

Hold to the phallic-shaped rod (now no longer in iron, thanks to the FARMS authenticity park consultants) all the way to the end and you're a winner! Participants must pass through "mists of darkness" (the tunnels beneath the water park) and bypass stinky rivers (the sewage system) before emerging into a rocky field bordered by a large Hilton hotel-like "Great and Spacious" building with numerous out-door patios from which people yell insults and throw rotten food at those still on the path. Every quarter mile or so along the path gorgeous young people come out of the building and try to tempt the faithful to let go. The instant one or both hands leaves the rod a buzzer sounds and the participant is disqualified. He or she will receive a moderate electric shock if they try to grab the rod again.

Losers get sent to the Great and Spacious building for a wine tasting and appetizers, or they can choose to lounge about on the patio and yell insults and throw rotten veggies at those still on the trail. Upon exiting the building they are ushered one by one into tiny dimly-lit window-free offices for a "worthiness interview" upon which their theme park tickets are confiscated and ripped up and they are thrown out of the park. Winners, on the other hand, are ushered into the "Tree Of Life Buffet" where they can get their fill of fruit and jell-o salad, as well as a healthy dose of funeral potatoes and other starchy foods.

The rod is long and straight and the path is narrow--it circles the entire park with a total circumference measuring about 5 miles. Tickets are only 299.99 a person or 1299.99 a family! The park's namesake and benefactor GBHinckster praised this ingenious "ride"--"It winnows out those who are not truly committed and lets us see who will really endure to the end....And we saved a butt-load of tithing money by making the Challenge go through the utility tunnels beneath the park!" The "righteous right" side of the G and S building doubles as a hotel and conference building, though the Hinckster has been known to frequent the "wicked left" side in attempts to win attractive young ladies back from the dark side. Rumor has it that he's tried his hand at yelling at the rod-holders, shouting such things as "I don't know that we believe that!" and "It's just a couplet!"

The rocking boat ride could be rebuilt to have a replica of Nephi tied to the mast.

There could be a Jaredite log flume ride where passengers are sealed inside the log with real manure while the log goes up and down over and over.

The FARMS mindbender rollercoaster that takes you through so many twists and turn you don't know which way is up when you get off.

In the Book of Mormon house of horrors you will see:

Nephi standing in bloody clothes next to the headless body of Laban,

Ammon next to a pile of bloody arms,

Abinadi screams in pain as he burns on the stake,

Shiz's headless body raises up as people pass by,

Final Jaredite battle with women and young children killing and being killed in battle

Death and destruction of Nephite cities prior to Christ's visit.

The LDS church announced today the opening of the Hinckleyland Mormon-themed amusement park.

"We felt it appropriate to honor our prophet with the name," said Elder Huck Shyster of the Seventy. "Besides, Disney already used our first choice, Fantasyland."

Spokesman Bob C. Noevil spoke of the need to bring more fun and enjoyment to the lives of Latter-day Saints. "The brethren felt that, despite their best efforts to reduce and simplify, members were spending too much time on meetings, service projects, and chapel cleaning. So, the need was there, and why not make a buck while we're at it?"

The property is divided into 4 different-themed areas.

Here members have a chance to draw closer to the spirit by living the temple experience in all its glory. Rides include:

Washing and anointing flume - Members sit naked (except for a shield) in a fiberglass boat shaped like an oil vial. As the boats pass along the waterway, elderly animatronic figures fondle the passengers' bodies inappropriately while muttering strange promises. "It was such a touching experience," raved DuWain Young of Kaysville.

Prayer Circle of Doom - This is a fast-moving, spinning carousel with a twist. Before the ride starts, each male must take the woman to his left in the patriarchal grip. Those who break the grip will be flung from the ride violently. Ride operators warn that any unkind feelings may cause the ride to malfunction. "I usually get pretty dizzy on these rides," said Carole Brown of Highland, "But wearing the veil helped somehow."

Blood Atonement Alley (not for the squeamish) - This haunted house depicts the execution of temple penalties in graphic detail, as well as the horrors of outer darkness, which awaits those who leave the one true church. "Dude, the disemboweling was so cool. Guts everywhere," said Travis Hubbard of Wanship. "I can't wait to see the real thing in the temple."

Extraction: the ride - Members will learn what it's like to be a geriatric extraction worker by riding an intense rollercoaster while simultaneously peering into a microfilm reader to type in parish records from 19th-century Poland.

Here members will learn the true meaning of joy through giving.

The main attraction here is the Straight and Narrow Path, a large treadmill on which members walk for hours, while animatronic priesthood leaders pile more burdens on them and say, "You'll be blessed for this. You just need to remind yourself how happy this makes you."

Another ride is Telemarketer Time Trials, where members work in a call center to take Bible orders and get callers to commit to taking the missionary discussions. Those who get the most commitments win a small plush toy or a coupon for a refill of diet caffeine-free Coke.

House of Guilt - this attraction begins with a PPI (Personal Priesthooh Interview) with an animatronic bishop. When he discerns your unworthiness, you are sent through a repentance process during which you will experience the fun of shunning, gossip, judgmental ward members, social isolation.

A rest station is provided called General Conference, where members may doze on stiff, upright benches while watching an endless loop of conference talks.

Each member entering missionary land will be issued a name tag and sent into local neighborhoods to share the gospel. "We got shot at, but we managed to leave some pamphlets with a few golden contacts," gushed LaVoy Ogden of Fillmore.

Honey, I Went to the MTC - This interactive program is designed to rapidly strip you and your family of individuality and critical thinking. You will learn to function as a group and use peer pressure to keep each other in line. Outside food and independent thought are not permitted.

Testimony Race - This activity involves seeing how many testimonies you can write inside Books of Mormon in 15 minutes. Winners receive a free copy of the Book of Mormon and a handshake from a General Authority (note that this usually results in a visit to the House of Guilt, due to the General Authorities' superior powers of discernment).

The centerpiece of Josephland is a large, polished shaft whose erection in the very loins of the theme park shows our devotion to Jesus Christ, whom we would not know anything about were it not for our great prophet.

Polygs of Illinois - This ride takes a nostalgic trip through Old Nauvoo, where Joseph can be seen chasing and violating young girls, seducing his friends' wives, having dissenters threatened and beaten, and destroying critical printing presses.

Abraham's Scroll - This wild ride simulates the twisting and deception apologists must employ to salvage Joseph's translation of the Book of Breathings. "That was intense. I feel like every brain cell in my head was shaken out," said a dazed man, who identified himself only as runtu.

Admission is free after a voluntary donation of 10% of your income and a frontal lobotomy.

Visiting the Walt Disney World Resort during the Holiday Season with family and friends is a MAGICAL time for one and all. There is no doubt in my mind that if you were to stop any kid or "kid at heart adult" anywhere in the Magic Kingdom and asked them, "What do you think heaven is like," they would most certainly exclaim, "It's like DisneyWorld!"

And then I ponder on how far removed is the misogynistic, self-serving,"man-serving" message of TCOJCOLobotomizedLDS from this "fun-factor" concept of bringing family and friends together in an upbeat and stimulating atmosphere.

If there could ever be a "resurrection" scenario, my wish would be to be "called up" by a "god" who looks alot more like Walt Disney (along with his true benevolence), with second in command being Mickey Mouse (not Michael Eisner mind you) and either Peter Pan or TinkerBell functioning in the "Holy Ghost" role. What a refreshing change of pace from the extra-sexual game-plan of Joseph Smith and the likes of Elohim, JC and Casper the Holy Ghost.

I'll go to my grave knowing that Walt Disney has brought more happiness to this planet's children and families than Joseph Smith, GBH, past "prophets", the Q12, The Seventy and all of the other strawmen combined up and down the food-chain of LDSInc COULD EVER HOPE TO.

What a loathsome bunch of Grade-A, dyed-in-the-wool LOSERS!!!

Now ask me how I really feel...

This December, the new Blaspheme Theme Park web site opens. Just in time for the Judeo-Christian yearly hoopla, this new web site park features some of the wildest, most irreverent attractions imaginable:

In the beginning, you get to play God and create anything you want, just by saying so! Make everyone in your image - or not; it’s all up to you. If something displeases you, smite it down, make it wither, or just turn it into a pillar of salt. Be creative; be arbitrary; be vindictive! You call the shots.

Take a leisurely stroll through our Garden of Eden. Eat an apple if you like. Curse and covet, wallow in shame; it’s all in fun. And don’t forget to pick up your complimentary fig leaf at the Tree House of Knowledge. (Note: No one will be re-admitted.)

Worship Satan in our air-conditioned Pentagram Theatre while listening to rock and roll music being played backwards. Sacrifice anything you want. (Virgins not provided.)

How many commandments can you break at one time? Find out in Sodom-Gomorrah Land. Get to “know” your neighbors – over and over! Free golden idols for the kiddies.

Crash the Last Supper Pizza and Beer Bash. Get drunk and instigate a food fight! (21 and over, please.) Not that hungry? Looking for a snack? Pick up a bag of our tasty, mouth watering oven-baked communion wafers (with your choice of spicy salsa or cool onion dip).

Have yourself videotaped standing next to Jesus on the cross with our patented Animatronics™ DVD system. Amuse your friends by pretending to pound in a few nails yourself! Roll the dice and win a Y0K T-shirt.

Live the life of a Roman emperor in our Gladiator Arena. Depravity and debauchery are not only permitted, but encouraged! Turn thumbs down and thrill to the sight of lions tearing defenseless Christians limb from limb while you revel in pleasures of the flesh.

Start your own religion! Use any hare-brained concept you can imagine. Make sure your disciples grovel and do your bidding, no matter how crazy or self-indulgent your wishes are. Don’t forget: YOU are in charge! Also: Learn how to make tax-free money - fast!

Become a prophet! Predict Armageddon and the Second Coming. Arbitrarily interpret scriptures and ancient scribblings to support any idea or agenda that best serves your purposes. Is there someone you don’t like? Just proclaim them the Antichrist and watch the fun! If you get caught, plead your case in the “Try To Savior Ass” courtroom and cross your fingers – or just finger your cross.

Yes, in the Blaspheme Theme Park web site, you’re the boss! You have complete free will and the power to do anything you want; you’ll find no judgment here!

(Make sure you get your hand stamped with the mark of the beast before you leave.)

Saturday June 11, 2005

Prophet, Cheer and Revel-leader Gordon Hinckley welcomes the world to his new theme park with his famous greeting, "Isn't it marvelous? Isn't is wonderful?"

by Tal Bachman

Salt Lake City, Utah - UPI Uppity Priesthood Intelligence   Mormon church president Gordon B. Hinckley today announced plans for a new Mormon-themed amusement park. The park, to be named "MegaloMormonLand" by Hinckley, will be built adjacent to the newly acquired Crossroads Mall, and has a projected cost of $13.5 billion dollars.

"Nothing is too good for the Lord", remarked Hinckley when asked about the cost. "This park will stand as a testament to the faith and heritage of our pioneer ancestors, who would pause regularly for recreation on their long journey across the plains. They had faced bitter persecution. Mobs had destroyed their crops. Corrupt politicians had stolen their land. And yet, they perservered. We will too, in building the Lord's amusement park".

The park, which will feature an 18 foot statue of Hinckley himself at the front gate, is projected to open in May of 2008. "We are going to make church fun again", said Hinckley. "Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?"

Church spokesman Richard Turley explained that "the park will feature three distinct areas, corresponding to the three degrees of glory". Tea and coffee will not be served, in deference to the church's strong stand against them. In their place, soft drinks such as Coca-Cola, Jolt Cola, and Red Bull will be sold. Concession stands will feature all-you-can-eat smorgasbords with barbecue pits modeled after the "ChuckWagon" in Bountiful and "Golden Corral" in Orem, restaurants popular with many Mormons. "Members of the church have been incredibly blessed by the Word of Wisdom", said Turley, finishing a barbecued T-bone steak and a Red Bull. "We intend to keep it that way, both with the beverages and the food we consume".

Children's attractions include "Do You See What I See?", where children dig in a well modeled after Willard Chase's well to find their very own "seer stone". Those children who have paid the $449.95 ticket price will also get their own hat to drop the stone in afterwards. The child telling the most creative story while staring into their hat will win a replica of the armour breastplate Smith later said he used for translating.

Another attraction, "24 Hours", has a projected ticket price of $529.99. Girls from fourteen years of age and up will have the opportunity of being propositioned by an actor portraying Mormon founder Joseph Smith after being locked in a room, in honour of Joseph and Brigham's approach toward young English convert Martha Brotherton. If the girl hesitates to accept his marriage proposals, the actor announces she has "24 hours" to decide whether to be "exalted" or not. "Our young women need to understand how serious marriage is", commented Turley. "Giving them a chance to be propositioned by a real prophet of God will help prepare them for a world all too anxious to misuse our sacred powers of procreation for purposes of mere pleasure".

Family attractions include the game "What's Eternal?". They compete to see which "eternal" doctrines that they've never heard of are real or invented. Options include macabre death oaths re-enacting the slashing of temple intiates' throats, Brigham Young's inclusion into the temple lecture at the veil the claim that Adam was the physical and spiritual father of Jesus Christ, a trinitarian God, that native Americans descend from BOM characters, and the claim that African-Americans - and Native Americans - and Jews - are all cursed or wicked races of human beings. Projected cost: $2499.99 per family.

Planned adult attractions include "A Roll in the Hay", where couples willing to pay the ticket price of $899.95 will be able to have sex in a hayloft modeled exactly after the loft where Mormon founder Joseph Smith first secretly had sex with his teenaged housemaid, Fanny Alger, in 1833.

Other features will include "Ring Around the Christus", modeled after the classic "Tilt-A-Whirl" ride, a waterslide called "The Waters of Mormon" spanning from the top of the new Joseph Smith Memorial Center, circling the top of the Salt Lake Temple, and landing back at the park, and a rollercoaster entitled "Midnight Train to Kolob", whose theme song will be specially recorded by Mormon convert Gladys Knight.

After experiencing "The ElectroShocker", where, in tribute to the many homosexually-inclined BYU students who underwent church electroshock therapy, visitors will have electrodes attached to their temples and genitals and given Taser-like shocks upon being sexually aroused by an artist's rendering of the "comely" Nancy Rigdon or the blonde, ripped, super studly Aryan surfer in a white T and red beach shirt (Jesus), guests may wish to relax in "Abraham's Planetarium".

The Planetarium will feature a detailed representation of the Mormon version of the sky, and explanations of concepts like Enish-go-on-dosh, how the sun draws its energy from the star Kolob, Kokaubeam, and Kolobian versus earthly time zones. Upon exiting, visitors will be given a T-shirt reading, "I visited STAR KOLOB and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!".

Another ride, entitled "The WILLIES", pays tribute to the ill-fated Willie and Martin handcart company. Visitors are required to pull handcarts loaded with three hundred pounds of material around the dusty gravel perimeter of MegaloMormonLand, while child actors, pretending to be their children, fall dead from starvation and exposure, their carcasses devoured by robotronic coyotes. The trip includes regular 15 minute stints in meat lockers with temperatures down to minus 30 degrees farenheit.

Upon emergence from the last meat locker after the three hour "ride", the nauseaous, bleeding, and freezing visitors are derided by an actor playing Brigham Young for "leaving on the trip too late in the year". If any participants - who will have paid the ticket price of $749.99 - complain, they are immediately expelled from MegaloMormonLand. Theme music: "Praise to the Man."

Another ride, "MASSACREE!", will place visitors on a moving train with laser point rifles, who will then have an opportunity to "follow the Lord's anointed" by trying to kill Lilburn Boggs, local Illinois magistrates, United States soldiers with a distate for theocratic dictatorship, Mormon dissidents, and (with virtual tomahawks) the men, women, and children of the Fancher emigrant party.

After the massacre, the participants will gather in a circle and swear a death oath to never reveal who they have just killed, or anything about it, and then finish off with temple signs. Just then a recording of Gordon B. Hinckley's voice, taken from his April 2003 GC "Loyalty" talk, will play, announcing that it "doesn't matter" whether the prophet is right or wrong - he must be obeyed. Theme music: "Follow the Prophet".

"FARMSLand" will feature children's rides on tapirs, and a contest to see which child is most successful at relocating "Zelph's Skeleton" from Illinois to the Yucatan Peninsula, without normal visitors noticing. Theme music: "Do You Believe in Magic?" by The Lovin' Spoonful.

"Absolutely no tithing funds are being used to help with the $13.5 billion price tag for this amusement park", said Turley. "The church is very aware of the sacrifices that members make all over the world. The last thing we would ever want to do is squander money that properly belongs to the Lord and his church".

In other Mormon news, a small branch in Tegucigalpa, Mexico, recently pooled their money to send to homeless war refugees in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Loved the story about "MegaloMormonLand", but you forgot about one of the rides.

It will be called "Ring Around the Meadows". In it, some of the patrons will sit in small replicas of covered wagons that revolve around in a circle (like a big merry-go-round), while other patrons will get to dress up as Indians and shoot at the ones sitting in the wagons because the Stake President told them to. Cost for the ones doing the shooting is $1,500.00 each. Cost for those sitting in the wagons. Their lives. - 06/26/2005 - anon

So, here in my lil' hometown in Colorado, there's a certain religious nut who is trying to get city council to approve his "theme park" called Messiahville. Can you feel the excitement? One of the city council members that sits on the Public Art Committee with me is in favor of said Messiahville. When I found this out, I about choked, because he SEEMS quite normal.

I just don't understand HOW a Jesus-themed asumement park really drives home the idea of the Lard and Savior all that much, but hey. Anyway, as a way to detract from how awful things are here at work, I've been inventing Jesus-based amusement rides that can become part of Messiahville. Here are a few of my ideas:

The Judas - It's a really kick ass roller coaster where it starts out rather slowly, then builds to higher and higher hills until the last huge drop plunges you into a fiery pit of hell.

The Iscariot - Alternative name: The Sinner. Kinda the same idea of a fiery hell, but on a Drop Ride. You get hauled to the top of about a 150 foot pole, strapped to seats facing outward around the pole. When you reach the top, you hear a soundtrack that plays the Gethsemane part where Judas kisses Jesus. Right when he kisses him, the kiss sound is amplified to an almost unbearable level and then you plummet downward to your doom. Just before you hit the bottom and the ride slows you pass through a fiery ring representing Hell.

The Tempest Sea - This is basically the Viking Ship that swings way high like you see, but themed like the ride through the storm. It starts and the boat starts swinging. Then simulated lightening starts crashing, the steam and water shoots out, etc. Just when you're at the height of it, a Jesus animatronic figure pops up and the arms swing out to calm the storm, the effects cease, and the boat comes to a nice, quiet stop.

Sodom Surge - You get into a slow moving car and it takes you through he story of S & G, with the family being threatened by all the sodomizing men, the whole degrading scene. Then as you leave the city, it explodes into flames, screaming and burning around you. You barely escape the city and are heading towards the exit when suddenly the car you're in whirls around and forces the females to look at the city in flames. Suddenly hot salt jets identify the females in the car and spray them with salt solution, and then the car passes through a fast downward air drying system and dries a thin layer of salt coating onto the women. It's gender specific and quite effective at keeping the ladies in line...

Crown of Thorns Ring Toss - You must toss sharp, pointed thorn rings into an area filled with different shaped crosses. If you can get the ring onto a cross and it stays, you win a prize.

Vinegar Sponge Toss - This is where you throw vinegar soaked sponges into an area filled with bloody-faced gaping mouths. Each face is representative of a tortured Jesus. If you can get the sponge into a mouth, then you win a prize.

The Strength of the Resurrection game - This is the old sledgehammer game, but instead of sledging a target at the base of the pole, you aim for a huge nail being pounded into a hand. If you hit the nail just right, then the Jesus figure which is attached to the pole will go up. If the Jesus hit the target at the top that looks like clouds, a sudden burst of angelic voices proclaims the event to all and you have successfully resurrected him. If you can resurrect Jesus, you win a prize.

Forbidden Fruit - It's always for sale and looks really good, but if you buy it, you die -- okay, so you just get violently ill.

The Family Pack - It's one loaf of bread to split between 10 people. Super Size it with a single fish.

Crucificicles - Ice cream on a stick, but after you eat the whole thing you see that the stick was in the shape of a cross.

Wine - Lots of it, served in plastic chalices.

How about a food court where all the chairs look like pews, and instead of your usual appetizers everyone is forced to snack on unleavened bread?

As the park grows and gains money, it could be split into different areas like Six Flags is, only it would be the Holy Land, Protestant England, the Battlefields of the Crusades, Exile: The Isle of Patmos, or Missouri: The NEW Zion...

I was thinking we could combine the war in Iraq with the traditional historic theme of the Crusades. People on the ride are armed with night sticks and tazers as they ride through the prison. The fun comes as they pass through cells of naked Muslims where they can "instruct" the heathens of their evil ways with their fun sticks. Oh you can imagine the fun as those evil Muslims are shown the wrath of our Christian God. Cameras throughout the ride will capture photos that can be purchased by riders.

1. Match the temple token with the punishment.

2. Temple dress up. You have to don your temple garb in the dark on Space Mountain.

3. Garment symbol dart throw. Throw as many darts through the garment markings as you can in one minute.

4. "Dunk-the-Prophet!"

5. Temple name call-out. They give you a date and you have to guess what the temple names were that day.

6. Pin-the-tail on the Liar. They blindfold you and you have to put a donkey tail on a prophet.

7. Book of Mormon ride: you have to find the *real* golden plates in a pile of phony ones.

Eye of the Needle: a canon that blasts you through an impossibly small opening

Spew Thee from My Mouth: a lukewarm water ride

Water to Whine: a really annoying water ride

Love Thy Neighbor: a tunnel of love you have to ride it with a stranger

Cast the First Stone: throw rocks at cutouts of sinners to win prizes

Turn the Other Cheek: boxing with gloves as big as pillows

Blessed Are the Meek: a booth where you have your picture taken dressed like the king of the world

One Flesh: tittie bar

Fishers of Men: a gay bar

Feed On My Sheep: kabob restaurant

Not by Bread Alone: low carb restaurant

Let Your Light So Shine: laser tag

Den of Thieves: virtual reality game where you get to trash the temple

Pray in Secret: sensory depravation tank

If Thine Eye Offend Thee: peep show

Endureth to the End: a really long, boring ride

Lo Here, Lo There: a maze

Render Unto Caesar: a ride where tax collectors turn you upside down and empty your pockets and purses

Crown of Thorns: high speed thrill ride through sharp, pointy things

The Scourge: a ride that whips you around and around

Maybe you could team up with:

Holy Land Orlando

Holy Land Theme Park

Dinosaur Adventureland

The Temple -vs- Disney World - Who would go month after month, year after year, paying huge amounts of money just to ride "It's a Small World" over and over and over and over again. GOOD LORD!!! Build some new rides, Gordie! You're losing your flock to sheer boredom! How about a new film with NUDE Adam and Eve! How about a little copulation in the lone and dreary world to encourage the morgbots to get out and make more tithe payers!! Where's the creativity? Work with me baby! - 03/20/2004 - Truth Without Fear

Now Showing today at the IMAX- "SEVENTY BRIDES FOR ONE BROTHER"- A HEARTFELT TALE OF POLYGAMY - 03/09/2004 - anon

01/23/2004 - from Sister Martin
Land O' SPAM food court

The returned missionary live action water stunt show

Mission to Kolob featuring Steve Young now showing in the IMAX theater

And for the Adults after hours: The Smith Club: Eat off of gold plates while dancing Sisters party to your favorite Hymns remixed.

04/11/2003 - anon
There needs to be a Mormon casino in Las Vegas which features games like: Mormon poker. Every hour a new dealer shows up and changes all the rules.

06/05/2001 - anon
New addition female adult venue

"The Stripling Warrior Club"

05/13/2001 - anon
Elder Smith and the Mission House of Doom

05/04/2001 - anon
The Rocket to God

SEA our WORLDS opening in a Galaxy near you

Now Playing on IMAX-"Seven Brides for Seven Brothers- A polygamous story

The Brain Scrambler

09/04/2000 - anon
Work for the DEAD!!- A thrill ride, enter the dark, and reappear white and delightsome.

07/30/2000 - anon
Six Wives Under Brigham (City)

07/19/2000 - anon
Six Wives Over Manti

Mountain Meadow's Shooting Gallery
Kindly spare anything under 7.

Sacred Grove Playland
Worthy males under 17 only. Or is it 14 this week?

The Ever-Dynamic Maze of Doctrine
(Courtesy of Deseret Book)
Will YOU be the first to figure it all out?

The 'Amazing' Gord-O!
(Presented by Deseret Granite and Seer-Stone)
Step R-i-g-h-t Up! You could score your choice of either some "Really Cool" LDS Church historical documents or up to $185,000 in tithing funds if our G.A. cannot guess your age or weight using his "Gift of Discernment" *** 3 prize daily limit ***

The Bishop's Funhouse
Sponsored by attorneys Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe.
Parental Advisory: One-way mirrors are not the only distortions here.

The PolyRail (Presented by Fairfield Inn)
Worthy couples board at the Fundamentalist kissing booth for a round-trip adventure to the nearby Marriott. Male members are commanded to go again and again.

Inter-Galactic Rockets to Kolob
Courtesy of Morton-Thiokol
Captain! We appear to be going around in circles!

When Our Leaders Speak!
Presented by Zion's Bank and Safety Society
In the "Meet Mr Lincoln" genre, you'll be amazed as lifelike, facsimile General Authorities appear on stage. So wooden, so waxy, they even CREAK like the originals. Hey, come to think of it, maybe they ARE the originals!

Temple of Terror
Does it all seem TOO familiar? (HAHAHA...!)

Swiss-Emmigrant Family Robersen's Geneaology Tree House
As the Stake President once said to me, "You may NEVER get out!"

Prophets of The Caribbean
Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho! A prophet's life for thee!

Deseret "Old-Time" Photo Gallery
Dress up like a REAL prophet, rent an extra wife or two for that especial photo.

03/08/2000 - Brigham Smith

S i x . V i s i o n s . O v e r . P a l m y r a

Wheel of Doctrine - "Round and round she goes, what it is today, nobody knows!"

Baptismal Falls - "Barrels not permitted. Also known as the plunge."

It's A Small Celestial World - "Board Nephi's barges floating on Holy Water starting at the Prime-Evil World."

Roller Coaster of Faith - "Proudly sponsored by Prozac from Ely Lilly and Company.

Most popular food stand - "The Lime-Jell-O concession - do you want carrots with that?"

contributed by Brigham Smith - 09/09/1999

Promised Land - Jackson County, Missouri