Wouldn't a "Mormon Idol" show be hilarious? I was thinking it would be. After all, that's a big part of what Mormon services are every week, a big contest over who's the most Mormony of the bunch.
Mormons could compete to win the "Mormon Idol" title. They would then be the most famous, worthy, Celestial Kingdom bound Mormon in America and take a whirlwind tour of Stake Fireside speaking engagements! As a prize, they would have their Calling and Election Made Sure and receive their Second Anointing.
The judges could be Packer replacing Simon (I have the hots for Simon, I think I could avoid that with Packer...), Monson replacing Randy, and Sheri Dew replacing Paula. The host could be David Bednar, since he's the cutest of the Twelve Apostles.
Just imagine, Packer could not only insult contestants, he could offer hair styling advice! Monson could drone on and on about some old widow in a nursing home who is spending her last minutes on earth enjoying watching him judge Mormon Idol, and with a few green jello shots, Sheri would be just like Paula, alternately fawning over and then hitting Boyd. Maybe the audience would need jello shots to make Sheri appear to be just like Paula...
Contestants could compete in scripture chases, cooking meals using food storage ingredients, healing contests (Whose P-hood is the strongest?), Holy Ghost Prompting (pick the sinner out of a line-up), testimony baring, singing Janice Cap Perry songs, Roadshow skits, the possibilities are endless! They could even have them attempt to reconvert an apostate by bringing them cookies or bread along with a heartfelt plea to return to the fold and a gift subscription to the Ensign. - -1/24/2007 - by Kimberly Ann
The Briggy Bunch: Sitcom about a blended family which results from a 19th century western religious leader taking another wife along with her children.
Green Aprons: Well-to-do New York lawyer is given a mission call to work with the local yokels in the Vernal, UT temple.
Mission Impossible: The IMF missionary force is dropped into France with the mission of trying to actually convert somebody.
Mormon Mythbusters: See Mormon myths put to the test. Could Joe Smith run through the woods carrying gold plates? Can garments protect Buster from various mishaps?
The Moprentice: Hosted by Dieter Uchtdorf. Contestants vie for a chance to become a Jr. GA. Winner gets a one year stint on the second quorum of Seventy. Losers get told by The Dieter "You're ex'ed!"
Little House on the Desert: The Big Love cast moves to someplace a little more isolated.
The Great Mormon Race: Reality show in which teams compete to see who can complete the Mormon pilgrimage first - Sharon, Palmyra, Kirtland, Adam-Ondi-Ahman, Liberty Jail, Nauvoo, and Carthage. Last leg is pulling a handcart across Wyoming. Losers get sent to Mountain Meadow.
Big BYU Brother: Another reality show. A bunch of BYU students are put in a dorm room with multiple cameras watching. Any violations of the honor code result in being kicked off the show. When it gets down to the final two, viewers get to vote on who was the most righteous.
Assigned Friends: Sitcom about a bunch of 30ish Mormons and their hometeachers.
Good Mormon America: Co-produced by KSL and the Deseret News. Think Church News on video.
RM Survivor: Pairs of contestants are sent to some third world hellhole. Every week, one pair is sent home, but they can earn immunity for doing things like actually baptizing somebody, or staying awake through an entire zone conference.
The Bishop's Court: Transgressors confess to church leaders in disciplinary councils. WARNING: Would need to be at least "R" rated.
The 70's Show: Old men in white shirts droning on and on about nothing in particular.
Main Street Blues: Church Security battles conference protestors, apostates on Temple Square, and inappropriately dressed tourists on Main Street Plaza.
Bateman: Stuffed shirt religious executive Bateman and his sidekick Russell battle the forces of evil from their cave underneath the COB.
Lack of Ancient Discoveries: History Channel presentation of D. Peterson and FARMS desperately searching for **ANY** evidence to support the Book of Mormon.
"I Love Joey" (written across a big satin heart): Joey is a kooky redhead whose unending desire to make it in the big-time inspires him to invent ever-more-daring wacky stunts. These hijinx are always getting him into trouble, which causes Emma to cross her arms, scowl fiercely, and say: "Jooo-ey! You have some 'splainin' to do!"
High comedy, though it has been watered down considerably to conform with broadcast restrictions on things like polygamy, polyandry, blood atonement, etc. - flattopSF
Get Smart: Folks who've left the Mormon cult & have a life. - Stillanon
Dancing with the LDS Stars: Ancient apostles get paired with TBM (True Believing Mormon) hotties in skimpy costumes. The music is NOT from the hymn book.
Project funway: TBM (True Believing Mormon) designers come up with clothes that look good over garments.
Utah's Next Top Model: Chad Hardy hosts it. - Heresy
Buffy the Mormon Slayer: “Into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to fight the Mormons, to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers.” - wine country girl
8 is NOT Enough: Cult memebers get visits from GA's to tell them to increase future tithers.- Stillanon
Won't and Grace: Reality TV show about Mormon legal department. - Heresy
Survivor - Testimony Island: Based on the hit reality show of the same name.
Twelve LDS (run-o-the-mill faithful, apologist, perhaps a GA etc) are placed on deserted island far from their homes— or actually anyplace outside of the Morridor.
1) Everyday the contestants are faced with challenges that test their faith. Perhaps they are taught about Joseph Smith's polyandry and then asked to justify the behavior. Or they are given View of the Hebrews to read and then explain how it in no way influenced the BoM. Challenge winners win immunity and perhaps an extra ration of funeral potatoes for the day.
2) They are deprived of internet access- hence the FAIR website, their scriptures, and their sacred undergarments.
3) Contestants try to endure to the end while judging and gossiping about the other competitors.
4) Every few days/week they meet together in the High Council meeting, bear testimonkies and then vote off the person who is judged to be the least faithful.
That's entertainment. - badseed
Celestial Survivor: Island of Misfit Tools:
This branch, and only one rule: The first couple to marry in the temple in the McTemple on this island wins!
Rudolph's Island of Misfits had a cowboy who rode an ostrich. We've got a South Side native who drives a truck and works odd jobs in construction, but is just as likely to be found attending the opera with his mom, at home baking a fantastic loaf of bread or dressing up as a wizard to teach chess lessons. - Postdumb
Desperate Housewives: Reality show where Mormon women who are desperate for true love (and loving!), enpowerment, simply some free time and some REAL underwear are featured.
Provo Street Blues: Reality show featuring depressed mormons addicted to prescription drugs.
24: Reality show showcasing the typical Sunday of Utah Mormons. Sorry, this show has been cancelled due to its' extreme 'boring factor'.
Married with Children...and children and children: FLDS version married and married and married with children and children and children and children.
All in the Family Reality show: Showing how all Mormon General Authorities are releated. - Fallible
BYU Radio has that 70s show: I heard it once on net streaming, three old professors or 'church authorities' 'studying' or reading and discussing the scriptures! Boring because there were no insights. One of the three men was being overrun by the other two doing most of the talking and he had to jump in with his 'insight' forcefully.
No women were joined with the men to have a Sunday School type 'scripture study". They had a few quotes about what somethings meant in OT terms, or where places were, that sort of thing.
Mormon Dating Show: The man has to decide who to choose from three off camera ladies who he can only ask questions and talk with. They flirt with him to get him to ask them out! They get to go on a TV sponsered fablous date!
Just put the twist in, he's trying to pick out which wife to play with for the night, day, week!
What would be the ultimate 'vacation' reward on a TV show? For the TBMs? - Moemon Observer
Mormon Cheaters: All of the drama, none of the sex.
Watch as cheaters pursues Mormons who have strung people along for awhile without getting down to The Lord's Business. They are cheating The Lord.
Get down on the depraved LDS singles who are just playing the field and not sowing their Celestial seed. - - Postdumb
M*I*A: Young women practice giving triage to old men in suits.
How I Met Your Mothers: A Heartwarming reminiscence of Brigham Young's sexual exploits as told to his many children around a very large campfire.
One Lay at a Time: Joe Smith tries and fails miserably to be monogamous, even for a short while. - notamomo
The Flying Nun: Mormons with shotguns try to blast members of the Great Whore church out of the sky. Bonus points for apostate collateral damage. - Stillanon
All in the Family: A Mormon family of 11 who live in Provo (8 of whom are famous singer/musicians) keep getting into scrapes with a famous black singing family of Jehovah's Witnesses from Gary, Indiana, who've just moved in next door. The competition and insults do get nasty!
Salt Lake City: An update of the 80's show Dallas where some 80-plus-year-old men dream up new (and sometimes old) ways of conning supporters out of their money and the evil apostates who oppose them.
Love, Mormon Style: She's always pregnant but no sex is shown.
The Osmonds: Similar to The Osbournes but without the swearing and visits to drug rehabilitation. The only guess on each episode will be which family member is tempted to leave and why. - blindguy
Mormon Bachelor: 25 beautiful nineteen-year-old models claw at each other try to compete for the attnetion of a thirty-five-year-old paunchy, pasty, priesthood-holding bachelor. Contests include casserole-making, bachelor-pad cleaning, fertility tests, singing (LDS-approved music) performances.
Mormon Bachelorette: A beautiful, intelligent, talented young medical student who moonlights as a model, sits on a folding chair against the wall of a basketball court, while married couples eat food and brag about their families. Cancelled, of course, for lack of quality men. - forestpal
Tithing Settlement: "Let's Make a Deal" Wherein Bishop Bullsnort puts his arm around Brother Faithful and says, "Well Brother, it's that time of year again. Same rules as last year; I don't question the figures on the check you write, and you don't bother me about the personal questions I ask your daughters in my interviews." - SLCabbie
"Mine, Mine and Mine" (instead of "Yours, Mine and Ours") Because we all know that mo men get all the prestige, glory and accolades while mo women get nothin'.
Dr*gnet: Police drama set in SLC back when it was uncool to say the word "drag"
Mormonsville: Pleasantville but with multiple wives
As Kolob Turns: G-rated soap opera I mean "educational series" for the mos based on sound doctrinal principles
Daze of our Lives: based on the lives of real mos with more than 8 children in their families
Heaven First: not to be confused with 7th Heaven, this mo series is about a mo bish, his wife and 10 children one of whom is ... *gay* ... Which will be a sorer trial - the gay child, or the three teenage daughters who get pregnant out of wedlock (one of whom is pregnant with a GA's baby)?
Love Cart: tender love stories set not on a cruise ship, but on the handcart trials - by Tiphanie
Lost: a bunch of people find themselves isolated and have all sorts of weird experiences. Oh wait, it's been done.
Battlestar Gallactica: except this time they find God on Kobol, and He isn't part of a trinity.
Nip & Tuck: just set it in SLC, which has about the highest ration of plastic surgeons in the country according to a Forbes article.
Law & Order, Danites Unit: Detectives Will Bagley and David Roberts investigate unsolved murders in early Utah.
Moncue: a funny TBM cop with so much cognitive disfunction that he is almost insane - by Heresy
Bishop Knew: Bishop Knew is a retired Mormon science fiction writer who instead of dying is translated in the twinkling of God's eye (a nebula surrounding the star system called Kolob.) The program depicts the adventures of this mysterious man who is a time-traveler known as "the Bishop" who travels in his space and time traversing temple-ship, the RETARDIS, which appears from the exterior to be a blue 1950 Chevrolet Bel Air. With his eternal companion, he explores time and space, re-writing history, solving Mormon historical problems, facing demons and righting wrongs. by Postdumb
Eight is Not Enough: Reality/soap featuring the Morrisons (He's 33; she's 31) and their quest to add more mouths to their chow line; Luana Morrison suffered a miscarriage that may have left her infertile (she's unware of husband Tom's secret vasectomy because he feared for her health afterwards), and the weekly drama explores issues such as in-vitro fertilization and the lack of white-and-delightsome children available for adoption. - SL Cabbie
CSI: Salt Lake City: Featuring the modern-day Danites, the Garment Police. - TheStalkerDog™
CSI: Provo: Crime lab technicians perform DNA testing to determine who has been masturbating. - D.P. Gumby
Wife at a Time: When maintenance man Schneider marries Mrs. Romano and her two daughters hilarity ensues. See how a modern day family attempts to live The Priciple in Cinncinnati.
WKLB: SLC: When a Returned Missionary becomes the director of a radio station in Salt Lake City, laugh as he deals with the wacky DJs and personnel.
(Sung to the tune of WKRP:Cinncinnati)
Baby if you've ever wondered,
What became of this missionary,
I'm living on the air in Salt Lake City,
Salt Lake City WKLB.
Got tired of teaching and tracting,
Town to town,
On my bike for miles.
Maybe you and me weren't meant for eternity,
But maybe pray for me once in a while.
I'm at WKLB in Salt Lake City... - El Californio
Alex Trebek: Tonight we welcome to our show Tom, who works in Salt Lake City as an executive for a nonprofit organization. What kinds of things do you do in your work, Tom?
Tom: Oh, you know, the usual: quietly going about easing the burden of the poor and widowed, comforting the dying. But really, I prefer not to bring the spotlight of attention to myself. Did I mention the widowed?
Alex: Yes, you did, Tom. Let's play Jeopardy!
Tom: I'll take American Poets for $100.
Alex: This poet is considered the leading exponent of transcendentalism among American poets.
Tom: Who is Edgar Guest?
Alex: No, Tom, I'm sorry, but the answer is Walt Whitman.
Tom: I'll take American Poets for $200.
Alex: The work of this poet has been described as "dull, pretentious, pointless child-like paragraphs ... simply nothing."
Tom: Who is Walt Whitman?
Alex: No, I'm sorry, the judges were looking for Edgar Guest.
Tom: Maybe I should try a different category. I'll take Ancient America Speaks for $100, Alex.
Alex: This theory suggests that the Book of Mormon is confined to a relatively small geographical area in Central America that was already populated when the Nephites arrived.
Tom: What? Who's saying that?
Alex: Remember, all responses must be in the form of a question.
Tom: Oh, sorry. I'll have to ask Midgley-Welch about that when I get home. I'll take Shakespeare for $100.
Alex: Polonius gave this famous piece of advice to his son, Laertes, in Hamlet.
Tom: What is "fake it till you make it"?
Alex: No, the correct answer is "To thine own self be true."
Tom: I'll take Religious Leaders for $100.
Alex: This 20th century Christian was known the world over for acts of self-sacrifice, humility, and charity, including working with the poorest of the poor in bettering their lives.
Tom: Who is me?
Alex: I'm sorry, we were looking for Mother Teresa.
Tom: Oh, her. Well, she did what she could, I suppose, but look at our welfare program! Did I mention the widowed?
Alex: Can we get back to the game?
Tom: I'll take Definitions for $100.
Alex: This word is defined as "an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions."
Tom: What is humility?
Alex: No, the answer is arrogance.
Tom: You know, Alex, I'm getting a little upset here. Everything is upside down here, which reminds me of that wonderful book, Alice in Wonderland. I wouldn't have come here if I'd known you'd take the plain and precious and twist it to suit your own purposes. As the poet Wordsworth said, "Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting ..."
Alex: I think we're out of time.
Tom: Hearts were gladdened, spirits were lifted, and stomachs were filled.
Alex: We'll see you next time on Jeopardy.
Tom: And that canary was her companion for the rest of her life.
Alex: Really, Tom, it's time to go.
Tom: Comrade Honecker told me that he had complete trust in the church, and we were able to build our temple.
Tom [being dragged away]: The tanker car was my favorite.
In the year 2345, the LDS Church is at a crisis state. Membership numbers are dropping off, the New Jerusalem hasn't been built, and Jesus hasn't returned. The First Presidency in an effect to figure out what is taking so long for Christ to show up and have his second coming,takes a gamble by spending massive amounts of tithing funds to build the Mormon Starship Kolob, LFI-1830 (LFI-Let's Find It)
President Gordon B Hinckley III, who was called because of his ancestors being in the general authorityship of the past, and because he is a good PR man while reading and ancient copy of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by a Stephen R. Covey, an ancient Mormon philosopher from the 20th Century Era decides to become proactive and go to find Christ, bring him back, and thus usher in the Millenium. Feeling inspired to call on the Sugarhouse 3rd Ward to be the pioneering space travelers, and because there are a few people he doesn't like, he asks them to sacrifice their time, and energies, and everything that they have been blessed with or may be blessed with in seeking out Jesus.
The Captain/Bishop of the mission is Brother Nathan Smith, a direct descendant of Hyrum Smith, and now former plumber. With the help of his two counselors, First Counselor Brother Smock, and 2nd Counselor Brother Dada he will search the galaxy in search of...
The M.S.S. Kolob cruises in an orbit around the Southern Hemisphere of the Earth.
"Bishop!" Navigator and Music Coordinator Sister Peterson, yelps in a sing-song way.
"What Sister?" Bishop Smith asks.
"We have two Jehovies coming in at Mark 3!"
"Great, just what we need before we leave orbit to hie to Kolob, a couple of Witness ships!"
"They are knocking Bishop. Should we respond or ignore them?" Counselor Dada asks.
"Put up the 'We're not home fields'"
"It's not working, we're being pamphleted!" A white-shirted deacon crys out in alarm.
"Counter with a Tabernacle Torpedo now!" Bishop Smith rises from his chair. Music starts blaring through the speakers.
"We don't need to listen to that crap1 Only them!" The music goes silent.
"They're hit! I am registering numerous eardrum bursts on their ship."
"Oh no Bishop, they are countering with their cheesy smiley Watch Tower artwork!" Counselor Smock screams.
"They are too cold! Fetch! Take evasive action. Let's get out of here. Take coordinates Nephi Chapter 1, Verse 5!"
The Kolob slowly moves out of orbit and starts heading towards the outer planets.
"They are taking up pursuit!" Relief Society President Charlotte Jackson (the token black female) says.
"Prepare to hie!" Bishop Smith says with sweat streaking down his face and around the necks of his newly minted Mr. Mac's suit uniform.
"Where to Bishop?"
"Let's see what we have at course D&C Section 167, Verse 2..."
And with the sound of a HIIIIEEEAAAA the M.S.S. Kolob hies.
Bishop Smith sits at his command desk and taps on his personal journal
"Bishops brick supplemental. Restoration Date 425.33.22. We have been at hie speed 3 for the last couple of weeks heading towards Sector D & C Section 187 Verse 5. I don't know how long I can keep this crew together. Already, I have had to excommunicate 3 crew members for necking and petting, and have put one sister on probation for taking the Lords name in vain during a testimony meeting.
And now this... One of the members of the 'Strengthening the Members Onboard Committe' Elder Flax, has gotten ahold of some spiritual pornography. I tried to have it translated off of the ship, but my spirit has been weak, and the blessing on the materials didn't take. Now the stuff has spread throughout the ships computers, causing a general mutiny on the ship.
Some of the Ward members say that this is hoorah and want to turn around and go back to Earth, but I have tried reasoning with them and rebuking them. I am now trapped in my office while general partying and ruckus noise goes about outside my door. The Liahona navigation system is down and I am not sure if we will make it to Section 187 Verse 5 or not. I just don't know that much about it...what was that.."
Bishop Smith felt his ship lurch from under his feet and he went flying to the orange carpeted floor. His picture of Joseph Smith crossing the Delaware fell off the wall and smashed with a hard thud into the ground.
"Bishop to the Chapel. What the fetch is going on?"
"Bishop, this is Elders Quorum 2nd Counselor Franks, I am currently running the ship, since the rest of the Bishopric, the Elders Quorum Presidency and the High Priest Group took off for that paradise planet a couple days ago..."
"What paradise planet?" Bishop Smith asked.
"Alpha Penthousie" Brother Franks said.
"Where are the Relief society sisters?"
"They launched an escape pod and went to Chippendale Centaris."
"How many faithful members do we have left on this ship...darn it!"
"Bishop! Your language!"
"Oh, Fuck it. This is a lost cause. Set course for Alpha Penthousie." Bishop Smith said.
"But what do I tell the Stake President about our change of plans?" Brother Franks asked nervously.
"If he asks what we are doing, just tell him that some truths are more important than others. Let's have some fun!"
This is an abridgement, in reformed Hillbilly of the people who lived upon the American Continent.
Now a listen to a story from a guy named Joe,
About an ancient people that we'll never really know,
The people were a figment of an immature mind,
Ya read it with the Spirit it will turn off your mind,
Fiction that is. Boring too.
Now it tells a silly story about a prophesying koot,
Who had a murder'n son who killed ol' Laban for his loot,
He fled into the desert and he built himself a boat,
And with his liahona he would know which way to float,
The promised land that is, milk, honey and cureloms.
Well they landed on the land and then they had a little tiff,
Ol' Nephi said his brothers to the Lord their necks were stiff,
Now Laman and his brother and their kin were cursed with skin,
That had a heaping helping of a thing called melanin,
Dark and loathsome that is.
Now the Nephites and the Lamanites they covered all the land,
From north at Hudson Bay unto the Straights of Magellan,
The Nephites were a waiting for a Jesus Christ to come,
The Lamanites just laughed and said, "You pale-skins are dumb,
Let’s make love not war dudes. Nah, let’s make both."
Now a Jesus came but he was pissed from hangin' on a cross,
He said “I’ve had enough of this I’ll show them who’s the boss,
I’ll kill a bunch with lightning and showers and quakes,
I’ll make these guys believe in me no matter what it takes,
Take that, heathens.”
Now the Nephites and the Lamanites they buried all their swords,
For out of fear of Jesus they did sign some peace accords,
But generations passed away and they began to fight,
And Nephites under Mormon like the French began to flight,
North that is, to a hill called Cumorah,
Now a Mormon had a son who was a Moron with an eye,
He gave his son some plates before he knew that he would die,
Moroni took the plates and then he made himself some coins,
He darkened up his skin and then he girded up his loins,
Now that’s my ending….banjos….banjos….
Take five True Believing Mormon families.
Have them sit down with folks like Wil Bagely, Steve Benson, and other prominent Exmormons such as Deconstructor, Randy J, Bob McCue, Tal, Mike Norton, etc and have all of the ugly Mormon truth laid out for them to see.
Have film crews follow these families EVERYWHERE.
Have a contest where views call in an predict who will stay and who will resign their membership in the LDS Church. The earlier they predict(and get it right) the more money they win!
We would see them crying, praying, taking off garments, underwear shopping, searching, browsing Farms, posting on Fair, hell we might even see a cameo from Danny C. Peterson!
24/7 - Falling asleep in Priesthood Meeting, Elder Jack Bauer dreams he's doing something important.
Jimmy Utah - "Retroville" resident and Future Amway magnate Jimmy constantly looks to invent new ways (to make a buck). - 01/17/2005 - from BrighamSmith
"Who Wants to Marry Our Husband?" On the Cougar network this summer. Sponsored by E|Polygamy.com, who invite you to take their free ($40+10% Value) personality test created by Dr. Neal Clark Allred - 06/22/2004 - anon
South Park "All About Mormons" episode - aired November 2003 - reviewed by Deconstructor
Body Packer, of the Quorum of the Eleven-and-a-Half, is going to host a TV sex-talk show to help inform LDSers of the how's and how-not's and do's and don't's of sex. He'll sit behind a little desk, use interactive charts and model figures, take phone calls, and discuss the latest in sex toys. He'll wear a black suit, white shirt, and tie. What questions will be asked and how will he answer them?
Caller: Hi, Body, I just love your show!
Body: Oh, thank you. What is your question?
Caller: When I shower, I find it hard to...uh...not use soap...uh....there.
Body: Oh dear, be careful. You must save yourself for marriage. I suggest using a body spray which doesn't require you to make contact...err....uh....there.
Caller: I've seen those in the stores, but I thought that they were too....uh....stimulalting.
Body: Oh dear caller. I would urge you to avoid the word "stimulation" and related words. As a man thinketh, so is he. But you're right in showing caution. In all such cases of doubt, please counsel with your priesthood leaders. But the body sprays have been approved by church leaders. Go to our website, www.lds.org/approvedbodystuff/~list Hope this helps.
Body: Now, it's time to look into our little box and see what toy of the week is there. (Opens the little box.)
My oh my! It's a little action figure of Nephi! Whenever you get inappropriate thoughts, you may want to get out this little figure of a righteous prophet, and use it to dispell those evil thoughts. I use Nephi several times of week--and it works wonders!
Gordon B. Hinckley, Regional Conference Talk, November 22, 2003
"Very recently a certain animated moving picture was projected be electronic means and distributed through the Internet. I have not seen it, nor do I anticipate doing so. But I am told that it is laden with the use of profanity and it distorts the wonderful and marvelous work of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
Not only is this animated picture not suitable for the youth of the Church, all members are counseled against viewing such material.
It should be further known that one of the creators of this work is an apostate of the Church. Viewing such material will be considered sympathizing with an apostate.
A directive from the First Presidency has been sent to all Bishops of the church and a question in regard to this animated moving picture will be included in all temple recommend interviews beginning immediately.
Profanity, lies and distortions of the True Gospel are some of the hallmarks of our time. Its producers grow rich on the gullibility of those who like to watch it. In the opening lines of the revelation which we call the Word of Wisdom, the Lord declares: “In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation” (D&C 89:4)."
...recent episode , I have composed this humble ditty which is kind of in keeping with the song in that show:
El Gordo claims he is a prophet!
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
Says, “Send me all that’s in your wallet!”
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
They send their bucks to Salt Lake City!
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
Bankruptcy, Prozac! It’s a pity!
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
Callings, fasts, eternal families!
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
Acting like a bunch of zombies,!
Dumb, DUMB, dumb, dumb, DUMB!
One day some morgots saw the light!
Smart, SMART, smart, smart, SMART!
And hie’d themselves to Eric’s site!
Smart, SMART, smart, smart, SMART!
Then Mormon No More they heard about!
Smart, SMART, smart, smart, SMART!
And figured that they could get out!
Smart, SMART, smart, smart, SMART!
Now Gordy’s guys are all surprised!
Ha HA ha ha HA!
To see their revenues downsized!
Ha HA ha ha HA!
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!
Mr. Garrison introduces a new kid, Gary, to the class who has just moved in from Utah. The other kids try to get Stan to beat him up during recess, but Stan finds out that Gary is actually quite cool and thus can't bring himself to lay a hand on him. Gary invites him over for dinner that evening.
When Stan gets there, they're having Family Home Evening. After meeting the family--all sugar and smiles--they do all sorts of different activities together. Stan is impressed.
They decide to top off the evening by reading from the Book of Mormon. Stan has never heard of it. They ask whether he's ever heard of Joseph Smith, and of course Stan hasn't heard of him, either.
So they start explaining that Joseph Smith saw God & Jesus Christ. The story then flashes back to the early 1800s, with blacksmiths, butchers, etc. all walking around on cobblestone streets, etc. Upbeat frontier music plays in the background, and Joseph Smith is seen walking down the street. All the townspeople turn to look at him. Two of them start talking about him as follows:
"That's Joseph Smith!"
"He said he saw God & Jesus Christ!!"
"Well, how do you know he didn't?"
"Yeah, you've got a point there!"
Joseph walks down the street a little further, and a townsperson pulls him aside and says, "My wife here doesn't believe you saw God & Jesus Christ." Joseph replies, "In that case, let me tell you what happened!"
Then another flashback occurs, showing the First Vision. The chorus sings about him praying to know which church was true, but told they were all wrong, etc. The scene doesn't show God & Jesus Christ, but shows Joseph being brightly illuminated by something offscreen, just like the painting that was on the Priesthood manuals some years back.
Then we're back on the street with Joseph, the townsperson, and his wife. The man says, "See? I told you he saw God & Jesus Christ! Do you believe him now?" She replies, "Of course! Why would he make something like that up?"
The scene cuts back to Stan going back to his own humdrum home, with his dad on the couch drinking beer and watching T.V. Stan says, "Dad, how come you never taught me about Joseph Smith?" His dad replies, "Who's he?" Stan goes on, "He's the guy who saw God & Jesus Christ!"
It turns out that Stan now wants to be a Mormon. Incensed, Randy (Stan's father) decides to go over and give those "religious fanatics" a piece of his mind.
Randy is taken aback by their friendliness, as Stan was. They apologize, explaining that since they're from Utah, they sometimes forget that not everyone else in the world is Mormon, too. Randy decides to let them tell him just precisely what they've been telling Stan. So, they continue with the Joseph Smith story.
Flashing back to the 1800s, we see the Angel Moroni appearing in Joseph's bedroom, explaining that he was a Native American. "But you're white!" Joseph exclaims. Moroni continues by explaining that his ancestors were originally from Jerusalem, but that his people were all killed off by the other Israelites who subsequently were turned red.
He tells Joseph about the plates and the seer stones. Joseph is then seen digging several holes hither and thither. He says, "Maybe there's nothing here after all," but as soon as he says this, his next shovelful strikes the stone box. Sure enough, inside are two seerstones, which look almost exactly like cutouts from the seerstone photos in D. Michael Quinn's "Early Mormonism and the Magic World View."
He then retrieves 4 golden plates (plus they weren't bound together, both forgivable mistakes on the writers' part). He later strolls down the street again, telling people he has found the golden plates. Someone says, "If you have the plates, why don't you show them to us?" Joseph hesistates and says, "I can't, since the angel Moroni told me I can't take them home and translate them into English yet." At this point, the chorus starts singing about the wonderful golden plates "which nobody ever actually saw."
Next, we see Randy walk back in the door with a copy of the Book of Mormon in his hand. He's so excited by what he's learned that he says, "From now on, we're Mormons!!"
As the episode progresses, Gary tells Stan more and more about the development of the Book of Mormon. We flash back to Martin Harris meeting Joseph Smith in order to finance the Book of Mormon, asking him how the plates could be translated. Joseph Smith puts the plates and the seerstones into a top hat and then sticks his face into them in order to "let the spiritual light shine. Then I'll tell you what's written on the plates, and you write it down in English." He then reads off, "And I shall visit the Nephites." Martin writes this down and says, "Wow!!"
Back in the present day, Stan begins becoming disillusioned. He goes back home to find his dad, Randy, still in hyper-testimony mode. Stan says, "Did you know that Joseph Smith dictated the Book of Mormon with his face in a hat?" His dad dismisses this with something like (if I'm remembering correctly), "Who cares? We're Mormons now!"
We later see Martin Harris, all excited, taking the translated pages to his wife Lucy. She asks him, "Don't you think you might be being taken for a ride?" Martin is befuddled, so she says, "I'll hide the pages here, then you go back to Joseph and say you lost them. If God is really behind the translation, Joseph will be able to replace the pages word-for-word."
Martin is enthusiastic, and goes back to Joseph with the story. Joseph looks confused, and the chorus starts singing that he had to go and pray. Joseph walks back into the room and says, "I just had a revelation! God is really, really mad at you right now, so now I can't translate from the plates of Lehi; I have to start over with the plates of Nephi!" Harris, looking really worried, says "God is mad at me?" The plan works, and they sit down and begin translating again.
By this time, Stan is in full ExMormon mode. He says to his father, "But there's a lot of wierd things in the Book of Mormon! For example, we hear in school that the first human beings lived in Africa, but the Book of Mormon says that the first humans lived in Jackson County, Missouri!" (Another mistake--since this tidbit isn't in the Book of Mormon per se, but that's okay.) Stan's father replies by saying, "Well, Stan, you can't believe everything you hear in school!"
Eventually, Stan's father "sees the light" and decides to become an ExMormon (remember, it's only been a couple of days). The next time Gary's family is over, Randy confronts them by saying something like, "The reason you people are so friendly and outgoing is just because you want to impress others and trap them into your religion! It's all a facade! Well, I don't want any part of it, so get out!"
Later, Gary and Stan meet up at the bus stop. Stan tells him that he can't understand why anyone could believe all that crazy stuff. Gary replies that maybe it isn't true, but even if it isn't, it's made his family into nicer people, so that's good enough for him. He continues by saying that if Stan is so superficial that he can't remain friends with him just because of religious differences, then "you can just lick my balls."
Cartman, who has been trash-talking Gary incessanly the whole episode, says, "Wow, that kid's pretty cool!"
Then the episode ends.
Of course, I'm sure I got a couple of the details or maybe the order of events here or there wrong, but that's the way I remember the episode.
In brief, there were a few historical mistakes, but I'd say that overall a person can learn infinitely more about the true origins of Mormonism after this 30 minute episode than he or she could after 30 years of Sacrament Meeting. Now I know why missionaries aren't allowed to watch T.V.!
What kind of TV commercials would you like to air about Mormonism? - by Reinventing Grace
Okay, seems like we could pool together enough talent and $ to put together some TV commercials. Raise $5K, get some folks to donate their time, find someone like Trent Harris who knows how to shoot on a shoestring budget.
What would the topics be for a nice, gentle 25 second expose' on Mormonism?
Probably different topics in and out of Utah. Nice mild ones at first in Utah, then diverging to more punchy themes after a period of time. Elsewhere where the church is "strong" you can be straight to the point to balance out the Mormon commercials.
I'm thinking something nice and gentle, sort of the opposite of waving your garments around at Temple Square. Something that starts off with a warm fuzzy, gets a Morg-related cold prickly, then a nice positive message about how there are ways to be a good person outside of Mormonsim.
1. Nice family scene. Then yelling family members about being late for church. Then nice sccene of family playing hookey on Sunday and doing yard work or going on a walk in the neighborhood.
2. Nice scene about two little boys getting in some mischief. Then a yelling family members about ridiculous "sins" of one form or another, then a thought inside the little kid's head of a warped moral value, then a calm voice saying "think carefully before you teach values to your children.
3. A nice scene of mom and the kids. Then dad comes home late from his calling as financial clerk. The kids don't seem to know him...
4. 20 seconds of a GA droning gibberish. Then the words "remember--take control of your own mind" or "caution: be sure brain is engaged before putting mouth in motion" or "your body is your temple: fill it with wholesome things"
And some that reassure those who doubt and teach their neighbors to respect them:
1. something with an "it's okay to doubt" "JS may have done some good things, but he spouted a lot of BS, too."
2. Something to encourage Mormons to continue to love and support those who have left the church. Well dressed man pulls over driving home from church to talk to a neighbor who is playing basketball with his kid. "Say, I haven't seen you at church lately, is anything the matter?" "No, I'm we've just a) decided to spend a little more time together as a family, b) learned that there are other truths outside the church, c) learned that the whole deal was a fraud... then skip to the neighbor coming over for dinner and they all having a nice talk about sports.
And some more punchy ones:
1. Quick pan of temple square. Zoom in to statue of Joseph Smith. Quick pan of Colorado City, zoom in on a 26 bedroom house. Scrolling list of Joseph Smith's Wives, with their name, who their other husbands were, and how old they were when they got married. Then the word "Mormonism".
2. 5 quotes of well known BoM reviewrs of the 1830s. Mark Twain "It's chloroform in print", whoever said "It's all the folk magic and folk religion from the early 1800s all rolled into one volume", etc.
Wouldn't it be fun to do this and imagine 100,000s of TBMs diving for the remote whenever one of these would come on?
I'd like to rip off that classic anti-drug ad - 2 lazy 2 log in
I'm standing in my kitchen and the narrator introduces me as an angry ex-Mormon girl. In imitation of Sinead O'Connor and her infamous Pope-ripping on SNL, I held a picture of Joseph Smith (with his name on it so non-Mormons wouldn't be totally lost) and said "Fight the real enemy" before ripping it. Then I took an egg and said, "This is your brain," before cracking it into a pan of hot oil. As it sizzled, I said, "This is your brain on Mormonism."
F&T meeting - Wonk
F&T meeting, man at podium is droning, "I know the church is true, I know Gordon B. Hickley is the prophet ..." Young woman in pew with two toddlers and a babe in arms, trying to listen ... woman at podium droning, I know this is the true church, I know the gospel has been restored ..."
One of the kids begins to squeal, and she tries to hold her free hand over his mouth ... another man is droning, "I know the church is true, I know that if we follow the prophets ... toddler dives under pew, mother motions another kid to drag him back up, a scuffle ensues under the pew ... another mother at the stand is whispering into her 5-yr. old's ear and child is self-consciously repeating, I love my mommy and daddy, I love the prophet ... in the pews, one of the toddlers spills a container full of cheerios ... at the stand, the bishop is droning about the blessings that come from paying tithing ... the baby begins to cry and the toddlers are eating cheerios off the floor ... mother gathers kids and paraphanalia and heads for the door ...
Next scene, mother and baby are sitting under a tree, toddlers happily chasing butterflies, voice over says: "Family, isn't it about time?"
Imagine the announcement: "This message of the Church of... Ramses
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was brought to you by PROZAC - Feel Good - Be Good!!!"
I envision something - Mari
I envision something along the line of Jim Carey's movie "The Mask." Clean- cut elders pontificate about the church being true and every so often their heads inadvertently change into monstrous faces which scream CULT.
A mock endowment ceremony, full temple garb, etc... - Heathen
and then a simple summation, "What your neighbor won't tell you about the Mormon Church!"
Since my daughter just told me she's getting married in the Salt Lake Temple... - LSands
I've been thinking about a commercial that shows a mom and dad with their daughter talking about what a special day it is, how they've looked forward to her wedding day since she's been born. Then cut to the SL temple, where the daughter is entering,carrying her wedding dress, and she waves to her parents, who have to wait for her outside. She could say something like, "I wish so much you were worthy to be at my wedding today." Voice-over about Families are Forever.
Can you tell that I'm feeling just a LITTLE bitter?
Here's a show to pitch...
Cooking for Mormons
It would include:
* White Powdered Cookies
* Green Jello with shredded Carrots
* Spiked Red Punch (Spiked meaning Sprite of course)
* Pot Luck dishes you can buy at the store and call your own.
* Teachers-R-Us - Don't feel like teaching primary today, call us and we'll teach your class for you with accredited primary material, coloring pages, and even a treat for an extra fee. A whole owned subsiderary of Home Teaching by Proxy. - 11/02/2003 - from John Storms
A family sits at the dinner table just finishing dinner, the dad gets up and says, "Well I'm off to the church, gotta play bishop tonight". His younger daughter looks up sadly and says, "Dad, can you stay home tonight, I don't want you to go".
The dad stands and looks at his daughter feeling guilty and thinks for a few seconds.....then looks at her with a smile and say's, "Ok, I'll stay home." as he walks up to her to give her a kiss a voice comes over and says, "Family....isn't it about time?"
Nauvoo PD* Blue - Smithowicz gets a new partner (his 56th)
*PD = "Prophet's deception" - 10/04/2003 - anon
SLC Detective Smithowicz is deterred from sleeping with his new partner after discovering he's overweight and cant get his garments off, nor his CTR ring for that matter.*
*Paula Houston discretion is advised - 08/09/2003 - from Brigham Smith
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go Gordy
It's your birthday We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip caffeine-free Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we give 50% because
It's your birthday!
You can find me in the Temple, bottle full of jello flava-ed bub
Look mami I got the Coke if you into taking caffeine drug
I ain't into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug at the Ward dance if you into to getting rubbed
When I pull out up front with my temple recommend, you see the station
wagon on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 wives in the club
Morg's heard I mess with Cool J Smith, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like the Osmands, and the LDS hoes they wanna flex
But mormie ain't nothing change hold down, GA's up
I see X-mormon in the Cutt that jack mormon roll that weed up
You watch how I move at the Ward Dances you'll mistake me for an Elder
playa from Idaho, but Ida-pimp
Been hit wit a few book of mormons, but I don't walk wit a limp
In the Priest-hood then the ladies saying "50% you hot"
They like me, I want them to love me like they love Elder Boyd 'Pac
But holla in Temple Square at Bringem Young them'll tell ya im loco
And the plan is to put the Latter Day game in a choke hold
bishop focused man, your money on my mind
He got mills out the deals and He's still on the virgin grind
Now Gordy's daughter said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
Her girlfriend wanna get bi-mormon and they ready to go
My flow, my show, LDS Inc. brought me the doe
Tithe bought me all my fancy things
My crib, my cars, my pools, my jewels
Look people, I got K-Mart sacred undies and I ain't change
Green Jello with carrot shreads, you should love it, way more then you
you mad? I thought that you'd be happy I made it
I'm that Missionary cat by the bar toasting to the good life
You that anti-mormon trying to pull me back right?
When my junk get to pumpin in the club it's on
I wink my eye at ya beach, if she smiles she gone
If the Ward roof on fire, let the mother burn
If you talking bout change mormie, I ain't concerned
I'm a tell you what Ezra Taft Benson told me cause go 'head switch the
word of wisdom style up
If the sinners hate then let 'em hate
Watch the Tithe money pile up
Or we go upside there head wit a bottle of bub
You know where we be
Up in the Temple Club
I would like to dedicate this song to all the mormon girls and their momma's and their momma's momma's. Sorry Elder Jackson, I am 4 real!
"Howdy folks, this is your host Bob Packer. Are you ready to play Choose the Right?"
"Great...Will Sister Goode come on down!"
Goode: "Gosh! I'm so excited!"
Bob: "Tell us a little about yourself"
Goode: "Well...I love to bake bread and make useless botique crafts."
Bob: "Great, here is your first question. It's Sunday morning. Your husband rolls over in bed and starts grabbing your naughty place. You;
a. smile and play along
b. say, "We're gonna be late for Church"
c. pretend to be asleep until he gives up
Goode: "I'd have to say b. Bob"
Bob: "Congratulations, You have Chosen the Right!"
Bob: "Next question, You husband would like you to wear something flattering. You;
a. smile and ask what he would enjoy
b. say you own no such thing
c. pick the frumpiest thing instead
Goode: "Well Bob, I think I'll go with c."
Bob: "Good job, Goode. Two in a row! And now for your final question. It's your husband's birthday...and you know what he wants...You;
a. tantalize him with what will happen later
b. say, "Oops, it's Temple night!"
c. say, "Oops, it's Temple recommend interview night"
Goode: "Whew...This is a toughie...Mmmm.."
(tick, tock, tick, tock)
Goode: "C Bob, I'll go with c.
Bob: "That's right! You can't attend the Temple without a recommend. You have Chosen the Right every time! And now for the grand prize, a romantic evening at the Cannery for two! So, who ya gonna take with you?"
Goode: "That would have to be my Visiting Teaching companion! Ooooh, thank you!"
These are the adventures of the L.D.S. "Institute". Its eternal mission, blah blah blah... To BOLDLY GO WHERE NO ETHICAL MAN HAS BEFORE!"
NO! Tommy is really the twin brother of "Big Al" off Happy Days\Laverne and Shirley. Or maybe it was "Happy Valley Days" and "LaVell and Surely" - 06/12/2003 - anon
Joe Smith, Millionaire - Joe saves the truth about those "golden" plates for the last. Or does he... - 05/18/2003 - anon
Church...the final frontier. These are the continuing voyages of the LDS Enterprise. Its mission to teach the gospel to desolate third worlds, to construct exclusive temples, to make a gigantic profit off of the devoted faithful, to boldly go where no women have gone, or ever will go, before.
Saint Trek. See the adventures of Captain Gord B. Hinkley and his crew of "wise men" every Sunday at 11 pm Utah time. - 05/17/2003 - from Dave H. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
New on Nauvoo-Nami: "Moroni Kash-In" - 05/02/2003 - anon
C.S.I. Mountain Meadows Married by...The United Effort Plan - 03/02/2003 - from BrighamSmith
Temple Squares on C-B.S. - 02/28/2003 - from Lori Martin
The Idea: Young Joe tells several dozen women that he is a prophet and if they will agree to join his harem they will be transported to Kolob, a fabulous planet resort, and become goddesses and have endless romantic passion. He tells them that they must get a secret name and be sealed to him in marriage order to qualify for this wonderful inheritance.
The Twist: In the last episode they find out that Kolob was made up and that Joe Kolob-Heir is not a prophet. He’s just a treasure digger from New York with a great imagination. They find out that the names they were given was taken from an old list of names suggested for Cabbage Patch Kids.
The Sponsor: The series is sponsored by Prozac and provides parting gifts for all of the contestants
"Joe Mormonaire": Twenty BYU Cougarettes vie for the heart of a recent RM named Marriott. Only, he is in reality just a 19-cent a year writer for an internet lampoon sight.
Tonight: After first mastering "The Garment", Joe shocks the remaining five contestants by declaring them all "winners" and stating his intention to relocate to a remote area on Arizona border.
"American Fork Idol": Which of our young contestants most can impress the judges with their renditions of:"IknowthatJosephSmithwasatrueprophetandIsaythisinthenameofJesusChristAmen" Watch out for Stake President Simon "With members like you, who needs Steve Benson"
"Meet My Bishop": You'll laugh along with the rest of the Fireside as TBM (True Believing Mormon) parents introduce polygraph to first Temple-worthiness session of daughter's recent convert-boyfriend. "Recommended!"
Wait! Theres More! From Deseret Video...
"Y-Spy": BYU TBM RM is assigned by University President with task of keeping his Harlem-born roomate "Delightsome"
"Pro(vo)zac Nation": Filmed entirely on location in Utah Valley
The (CTR) Ring - Video causes spiritual death within seven seconds to all those who view it. Now playing at a temple near you!
Disfellowship Another Day
Lord of The CTR Rings: The Conference Towers
Bowling for Nauvoo (Starring Michael Mo)
Harry Prophecy and The Prisoner of Salt Lake
Harry Prophecy and The Bosom of Fire - 12/14/2002 - anon
Mo-Toon Network: BrigHAMTARI - 11/23/2002 - anon
Late additions to Mo-Toon Network...
"The Adventures of Morg-Bot Jones"
FLASH: Bonneville buys Cartoon Network! The New revamped lineup:
"Gord, Gordd, and Gordy"
"Sheep in the Big Temple"
"Grim and Telestial"
"I.B. Prophet" (With I.R. Boyd)
"Dexter's Secret Vault"
"Johnny LINGO" "Whoa Momma! Youre 8 cow!"
"Injustice League" - 11/16/2002 - from BrighamSmith
$IGN$ - 10/24/2002 - Skunk Puppet and Mike Paglia
"The 10% Pyramid Scheme"
Host: Donny Osmond
Director: Boyd Packer
Producer: Gordon Hinckley
Seen weekdays following "Wheel of Tithing" - 10/24/2002 - anon
Larry King: Gordon, tell us about Jesus Christ
GBH: "We used to teach that, but we dont teach it any longer" LK: " Gordon, tell us about your sacred places"
GBH " Bastard, its against the law to make private questions"
yadda yadda - 10/24/2002 - anon
"My Big Fat Temple Wedding"
"Secrets of the Ya-Ya Relief Society" - Southern (Utah) women relive past days of growing up in "Dixie" - 09/15/2002 - from Deseret Video
"LORD OF THE PLATES: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE PLATE"
The first movie of the translation of the Book of Mormon. - 08/11/2002 - from Matthew
Plot: From their secret headquarters on the campus of BYU, Elder Evil & MiniMo plan takeover of world under guise of missionary work. Special appearance by "False Bastard" - 08/11/2002 - BrighamSmith
Awesome Powers, Missionary of Mystery
The Church That Shagged Me - 08/11/2002 - anon
From Deseret Video
Raiders of the (First Presidency's)Secret Vault
Deseret Jones and the Salt Lake Temple of Doom
Deseret Jones and the Last Mission - 08/03/2002 - anon
The MO 2
Which of our TBM contesants is blabbing to the Bishop this week? - 08/03/2002 - anon
Movies: "Awesome Powers--GoldPlater" - 07/14/2002 - Lamanwasright
New from Deseret Video...
"Hairy Prophecy and the Sorcerer's Peep-Stone"
"Hairy Prophecy and the Temple of Secrets*"
"Lord of The CTR Rings"
Starring Jack Nicholson, Gordon B. Hinckley
Old Fart fails to discern danger at a deserted Marriott. Rated "G" (for Garments) - 07/12/2002 - by Brigham Smith
The Young and the Polygamous
Another Terrestial World - 06/27/2002 - anon
"Days of Our Wives"
"Cheat the Press" - 06/23/2002 - from email@example.com
1. Mormy Python's Flying Circus ("And now for something completely different....")--and I mean REALLY different
2. The Brigham Bunch (2 parents, six kids, and their fun loving maid Sister Alice).
3. Days of Our Wives (for Fundamentalist folk)
4. Happy Valley Days (Don't forget Elder Fonz)
5. Morg and Mindy (Nanoo--or something..)
6. Mollywood Squares
7. Hinckley Five-O
8. The Mopranos (You'll convert...or they'll break your legs!)
9. Just Shoot Me (If I Have to See Another Missionary)
10. It's Showtime at the Mopollo (Featuring the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
11. Captain Koloboo
12. Elder Charlie's Angels (Every mishie needs his own hot crime-fighting team!)
13. The Priesthood is Right (Come on down!)
14. Seminary Street (On Seminary Street, Oscar is no grouch!)
15. My Favorite Mormon (wacky neighbors and all!) - 05/25/2002 - anon
Brigham Brother (Big Brother) - 05/05/2002 - anon
Molly the Apostate Slayer... Starring Dana Knight - 04/13/2002 - anon
"The Case of the Tell-Tale Garments"
- 04/13/2002 - from Smithfield, USA
Well the next thing you know Joe's got a million heirs
But Brigham sez let's all move way out there
He sez in the mountains is where we oughtta go
So he loaded up his wives and he found the greatest snow
SPOKEN: On Earth that is, media pools, cheesey bribes--THE MORM'OLY HILLBILLIES!
SEGUE TO CLOSING HYMN:
Well Gord and all his family would like to thank you dear
Fer bringin all them cameras and winter sportin' gear
Yer all invited back next week to this locality
To have a heapin' helpin' of our best banality
SPOKEN: Hillbilly style, 10% gratuity included, Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, YOU HEAR
MTV, also known as the "Psy-Fi" network. - 10/26/2001 - anon
Thomas: "Welcome to a
brand new exciting episode where we will explore amazing wonders of science!
Today's guest is Johnny Smart. Today's topic: The
Johnny: "Hi, Mr. Monson"
Thomas: "Welcome, Johnny, ready to play and learn?"
Johnny: "You bet!"
Thomas: "Question one. How is a black hole formed in space?"
Johnny: "A black hole is formed when a collapsing star..."
Thomas: "Let me interrupt you right there. Your answer is on the right track but I'm afraid you are wrong. God creates black holes. That is the answer I'm looking for."
Johnny: "But my teacher says..."
Thomas: "Your teacher is filling your head with Satanic thoughts, Johnny. Read your Book of Mormon. Next question: How old is the earth's sun?"
Johnny: "Scientists estimate that the sun is around several billion years old."
Thomas: "That's interesting since the universe only has a temporal existence of 7,000 years. Again, the answer is 7,000 years. God created it. Read the Book of Mormon."
Next week: Stephen Hawking debates physics with Thomas S. Monson.
Gomez Addams just gets ordained Bishop of his ward. Bad news for Pugsley since dad knows his dirty secrets, Pugsley can never becomea priest. Elder Fester accidently eats his hometeaching companion and some of his families while Thing, upset because Bishop Gomez told him that he was so valiant in the pre-existence that Heavenly Father created him as only a hand to test his fath, tears up Sister Morticia's garments Grandma makes new soup made from Protestant ministers' livers, while Wednesday decides that she will be the first female Danite to seek out apostates and perform blood atonement.
Next week: Thing is called to repentence after he is caught playing with himself.
Morticia wouldn't be caught DEAD in the garments.
Season finale: "It" is denied entrance to the temple.
You know how when they do the theme song, they have their hands crossed and do that clicking? well, maybe they can click while doing one of the secret signs?? back to matthew now for theh TRUE creativity...
07/19/2001 - anon
"Laura Croft, First Presidency Vault Raider"
LDS missionaries have the power given to them by Zordon B. Hnckley to turn into super-skilled missionaries to defend the world against an evil empire of Protestant ministers. When the situation is difficult they can call on the Three Nephites to unleash the power of Kolob on the superProtestants.
Boyd K.Packer adopts two young black
youth and gives them a home in his mansion in Utah.
"I love you despite your curse. I thought baptism was supposed to turn you white like the Book of Mormon said. Time for plan B. Paint each other with this white halloween makeup then we'll go out for ice cream!"
Arnold: "Sure thing Mr. B.!"
Tonights guest-villian: Catty-Woman (Sonia Johnson)
Next Week: The Intellectual (D.Michael Quinn)
"Elder Alf" A space alien from Kolob lives with an LDS family who keeps him secret everyone else.
"Alf, gird up your loins and hide in the kitchen."
Anne: (the host): Welcome back to the "Weakest Link!" Here we have eight members of the governing body of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will allow them to introduce themselves.
Camera moves to the players.
"Gordon B. Hinckley. Prophet, seer, and revelator. All the keys of the priesthood."
"James E. Faust. The same of the First Presidency."
"Thomas S. Monson. The same.
"Boyd K. Packer. One of the twelve apostles of Jesus Christ."
"Elder Neal A. Maxwell. Also of the 12."
"Russel M. Nelson."
"Dallin H. Oaks"
"M. Russel Ballard"
Anne: "In order to win they must work as a team, however seven of them will leave with nothing. Let's play ten seconds off the clock, we'll start with Gordon. Begin.
Gordon. Which popular diva performed at your 90th birthday party?
Gordon: "Hmm...Let me ponder this. The spirit tells me that it was the Seed of Cain...No,we don't teach that any longer, that's just a couplet more than anything else....Hmmmmmm.....Larry King."
Anne: Wrong.Gladys Knight.
Gordon: "We don't teach that."
Anne: James. What TV show features a starship called "Enterprise"?
James: "I don't recall giving anything permission to be given the calling "enterprise". That's of Satan.
Anne: Wrong. Star Trek. Thomas. Who played Batman in 1995's "Batman Returns"?
Thomas: "Val Kilmer."
Anne: Correct! Boyd, What is the periodic element for water?
Boyd: "Science and the periodic table were devised by Satan in order fool man. You must not accept science. God is the element for water."
Anne: Wrong. Neal. How many 70's are there in the Quorum of the 70?
Anne: Correct. Russell. What is the nickname for a person who belongs to the LDS Church?
Anne: Correct. Dallin.
Anne: How many licks did it take the owl to get to the toosie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Anne: Correct. M. Russell Ballard, What is worst, apostacy or willfull sin?
Anne: Correct. That ends this round and you all banked a measley $3000 dollars. How pathetic! Now it is time to vote off who you think is the weakest link. Who's brain has fled the premesis?One of you will leave with nothing.
Voting done, it's time for you to reveal your votes.
Anne: Gordon. What do you do for a living?
Gordon: "I'm the prophet, seer, and revelator of the true church."
Anne: And yet you cannot even remember last year. (Laughs from audience) Why Thomas?
Gordon: Because if he remembers an actor from a pg-13 rated movie he obviously is spending more time in the TV then in scriptures.
Anne: Ballard. Did you dig up Brigham Young to wear his suit? (Hysterical laughs from audience) Why Gordon?
Ballard: "Larry King was the Seed of Cain that sang for him?! First that deserves voted off and secondly he brought something up that was supposed to be forgotten in 1978. That's just ignorant."
Anne: Gordon, with five votes against you you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye."
(Gordon's commentary at the end.)
"They will all be cast into outer darkness for their apostate behavior. The Lord will get them. They will lose their blessings in the afterlife."
"You ARE the Bleakest Link. COME BACK!" - anon
"Who's a couple of revelations short of a D&C?"
"Who's 2 cents short of a tithing settlement?"
"The tithing money will go on to the next kingdom, but one of you...WILL NOT!
This new sitcom depicts the true story of two LDS missionaries who found their true selves after serving their missions in Vermont and becoming the first Mormons to get a "Civil Union".
Then Boyd and Gordy go on to eventually become General
Authorities in the
church while concealing their love for each other from the
L.D.S. public. They even take wives and father children
while thier sacred union from Kolob is in full heat.
- 10/20/2000 - Kinky Hinkley
|And the categories are...||$ Value (including tithe)|
|Name that Wife||90||180||270||360||450|
|I Believe WHAT?||90||180||270||360||450|
|Hot Drink,Yes or No?||90||180||270||360||450|
|Our leaders speak!||90||180||270||360||450|
The Answer is...
Polygamist enclave Colorado City is the PRIDE of this state?
Brigham S: What is Arizona, Ed.
Make sure your beliefs are in the form of a question. You have 30 seconds, including time spent consulting the Bishop.
Watch out for "The Daily Devotional"
Seen daily, followed by...
"The TITHE is Right"
- 10/08/2000 - by BrighamSmith
10/04/2000 - Lorna Snell, Sacramento, CA
Celebrity Deathmatch: GB Hinckley vs. The Pope.
10/04/2000 - anon
From the CNN news ticker...(probably true)
UTAH: City of Provo buys local cable company.
Prediction: No doubt intellectual freedom is now assured!
Big Brother on The Church Leaders - See how the leaders live and demand your money back!! Viewers get to vote GA's out of their church jobs(with all other people they have employeed via the internet and phone numbers!! The last GA's left checks himself into a mental hospial after being on TV for too long and kills himself !!
09/07/2000 - R.T.P
The MMM-Files: Invisible Indians Attack Peaceful Arkansas Pioneers
09/07/2000 - R.T.P.
Late-nite LDS XXX: Quorum Members Strongly Cautioned -- full-frontal khakis and hard-core kissing present. May cause burning in the bosoms of some members.
09/07/2000 - anon
"The Un-real World" - The Crescent City was a piece of cake compared to Provo
09/04/2000 - Brigham Smith
PBS Presents From Mountain Meadows, The Search for the "lost" Deseret Tribe
Bosom Smoke - When not enforcing the Word of Wisdom in Provo City, Marshall Matt Diligent spends his time wooing Sister Kitty at the Long Branch Ice Cream Parlor
X-Troop - Not to be confused with Fort Provo's Troop 'G'
When Apostles Attack
Temple Street, Private Detective - There are a million stories in the holy city. Unfortunately, youll need "identi-check" to view most of them.
M*I*S*H - The missionary adventures of "All-Seeing-Eye" Pierce and "Convert-Trapper" John. Oh Great! Now the SOUTH Koreans will be fighting us too!
Doctor "Y" - Using his top-secret time machine, skeptical BYU professor travels back and confirms his suspicions that "The Masters" in Salt Lake City have been distorting history.
Leave It To Brigham
Bishop Knows Best
Adam-Onani 12 - Elders Reed and Malloy are on the lookout for trouble in paradise.
Love Deseret Style Theme:
Love, Deseret Style
God-Ordained since 1842
Love Deseret Style
Thats me, and you, and you
Celesto The Clown
LDS Hospital - In today installment, Nurse Jolene discovers that Dr Nielson doesnt wear garments.
"How The Mormons Saved Las Vegas"
(All the while installing "family values".) The Don Corleone Family Values maybe. Originally shown on the History Channel as "Las Vegas & the Mormons", we see defended the practice of Mormon bankers bankrolling out of town "businessman" in the casino business, citing that since gambling is legal, that makes it "just business". Using this premise, I guess bankrolling a brothel in a county where prostitution is legal would be "just business" too. Proof once again, that where money and morality collide, Mormon leaders talk the talk but can't walk the walk, unless its to the bank!
08/13/2000 - anon
The Hunchback of BYU - Physically challenged University maintenence-man frees MTV Real World's Julie from her Church-sponsored witch-hunt.
08/03/2000 - Brigham Smith
"The Perfect Quorum" - Moderates and intellectuals face heavy seas resulting from Hurricane Boyd
"What Lies Beneath Palmyra" - Hint: It aint golden plates, Joe!
08/24/2000 - Brigham Smith
Salt Lake Survivor...(On "See-B.S.)
Keeping up with the times, 12 old men try to outlast and outmanuver each other on an island in the middle of the Great Salt Lake to win a great and prophetable prize.
07/25/2000 - Brigham Smith
After finishing their cattle drive to Kansas City, Little Joseph and Adam-God set off to find the "Garden of Eden"
The Complete "Summer at Conference Center" series
15) "Annie Get Your Garments"
14) Les Mormonables
After fleeing Utah, inactive member endures twenty years of visits by home teachers, thanks to well meaning family members.
13) Caberet Deseret
12) Phantom of the Temple
11) Guys and Wives
10) Orson and Hyde
9) Emma-Vita "Dont Cry for Me, Palmyra"
8) An Endowment Line
7) The Scarlett Apostate
"They seek him here, they seek him there. Home teachers seek him EVERYWHERE"!
6) Mountain Meadows, The Musical
"Try to remember, that time in September"
5) A Handcart Named Desire
Or is it "A Streetcar Named Deseret"?
4) The Hunchback of BYU
3) How To Succeed in Religion Despite REALLY Lying.
2) Fiddler in The Foyer
1) Joseph Smith, Superstar
"..., Who in the hell do you think you are"?
07/17/2000 - anon
J's Guests tonight are...from the New Testiment... Peter James and John
Baptizer of Christ, John the Baptist....
Musical Group...The White Salamaders
Mind control specialist, and fakier of the faith, adulterer extraordinare... Brigham Young.
The Not Tonight Joe band.....
Tonight we go Jive Talking with J!!!
Heere's Joseph Smith!!!!! (Applause)
07/10/2000 - anon
KSL-TV5 "Community Standards" Premptions...Must NOT see TV.
Seen on "That 70's Show"; a bug that states
Did that mean Language-Dialogue-Sex; or just "Alert The Bishop!"
06/17/2000 - Brigham Smith
Joseph & Costello:
"Who's Baptized First" The show that DOESNT answer why, if #1 had the authority to baptize #2, then #2 had to then baptize #1. And "I Dont Know" who was 3rd.
05/29/2000 - SaorStat
Jack must keep his landlord, Mr. Hinckley, from finding out that the relationship with his "sisters" isnt doctrinal.
05/28/2000 - anon
The Morm Show,
sponsored by... Parley-Davidson of Salt Lake City, with the worlds largest selection of "Extra-large" side-cars.
05/23/2000 - Brigham Smith
The Real McKays
"Grandpa" feuds with his know-it-all niece, Fawn
04/19/2000 - anon
"Deep-Dark Window Tinting" for Autos, Homes, and Doctrine
Salt Lake * Provo * Orem
03/27/2000 - Brigham Smith
After bringing home his latest wife Darva, Al Fundy wonders where he's going to get a million dollars.
Bud "Grand Missionary B" goes to the MTC. Kelly comes home with an RM. Peg loses her Prozac prescription. Al finds it. And the family car, being now old enough, registers to vote (Republican, of course)
After recently enrolling at the U. of U., Kelly auditions against Christina Axxson-Flynn for the female lead in "Gosh Darn Yankees"
03/17/2000 - Brigham Smith
MTV's St. Patrick's Day Special:
"Lord of The Song and Dance"
presented live from the auditorium of the Church Office Building
03/06/2000 - anon
Who Wants To Marry A Polygamous Millionaire
03/05/2000 - Brigham Smith
Marie Osmond as "Polly Purebreed"
B.K. Packer as "The Humble and Luvable..."
"Theres no need to fear, as long as my B*** S***s in your ear."
Gordon Hinkley as "Chum B. Lee"
"Uh, gee Tennesse, I thought I discerned it was real"
Paul Dunn as "Commander O'Bragg"
02/18/2000 - Riley J
Dorthy and her non-member friend, Todo Lee Wright, find themselves in the land of UtOZ. Dorothy's first encounter is with a group of Jack Mormons. Dorothy's house crashes on their LDS missionaries. The irony is - the missionaries usually crash on your house. The JM's sing and dance their hearts out. They tell her to get back home, she must see the "Wizard of UtOZ"; the profit, sneer, and elevator. They tell her to follow the Jello brick road. Dorthy meets three wanna-be LDS members on her way. They too want to meet the "Wizard of UtOZ" so they can get brains, courage, and a heart. After arriving and meeting the "Wizard of UtOZ", he tells them they must first get the broom of the "Wicked Witch of the West Relief Society".
Stay tuned for Part II next week.
Preview: A member breaks a Word of Wisdom. Only one, so it must be OK.
02/28/2000 - Riley J
....Dorothy and her followers trek their way to the 666th Ward of the Wicked Witch of the West Relief Society. The witch trys to burn them with her broom. Frightened, Dorothy takes a caffeine drink and throws it on the fire and douses the witch at the same time. The witch realizes it's caffeine and she has now broken a Word of Wisdom. She melts away. Dorthy takes the broom back to the Wizard of UtOZ and asks for a way home. The Wizard is found behind a curtain. In fear, the Wizard says, "But, we're such good people!?" The wizard gives them trinkets and gives a testimony of himself, the great OZ, and they all believed in him anyway. The Wizard of UtOZ tells Dorothy that she can't leave because she is female and does not have the authority to do so. "You're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy."
Director's note: No black people were used in this movie because it was written before 1978. Also, once polygamy is accepted by society and the government, we will add that too.
GA's note: We are all about family, BUT don't even think about leaving the only true church in the world of UtOZ!!
02/16/2000 - anon
And get out! Leave "Control" behind you!
02/09/2000 - Riley Jensen
A story about an LDS member who writes a pamphlet on the truth about the church and is ex-communicated. Jerry's first question is "Who's commin" with me?". Dorothy, who is in search of a man like all lonely members, decides to go for it. Jerry takes a goldfish with him too since goldfish make about 50% of the LDS membership. These members are very slimmy. Jerry soon learns that Dorothy has a son and a live-in sister. Jerry was happy that he had less work cut out for him since she already had one child. Having a live-in sister meant plural wives. The bishop continues to call Jerry and tells him "You complete us", but Jerry refuses to return. In the end, Jerry and Dorothy finally realize that the church trapped and got them at Jello.
Warning: The black man's butt in the movie is to get blacks to join the church. So just tell black people "Help me, help you!"
Director's note: The "Qwan" that is talked about is the Quarum that the black man wants to be in. The movie trys to teach Mormons to love black people. So all mormons must scream "I love black people" when on the phone.
GA's Note: Do this in public, but suppress it in church. If you say it in church, "death on the spot!".
02/09/2000 - anon
02/08/2000 - Brigham Smith
02/08/2000 - Riley Jensen - firstname.lastname@example.org
02/07/2000 - Brigham Smith
Mary Tyler Mormon
Mary reunites with former collegues and exchanges lime-jello recipes with Georgette.
Lost in Outer Darkness
It's "DANGER WILL ROBINSON" onboard the Uranus II spacecraft as Smith diverts course for "Alpha-Kolob"
From their ranch on the shores of Lake Utah, thr ChooseRights blood-atone the bad guys and quest after wives in nearby "Deseret City"
TONIGHT: Ben must admit to the Boys (Adam-God, Hossea, and Little Joseph) that their mothers are still alive after all three of them suddenly arrive on the noon stage from Nauvoo.
NEXT WEEK: Ben (Also his Temple Name) strong-arms the town council into donating the "red-light" district for expansion of the temple grounds.
My Favorite Mormon
(Premiere) As the neighbors speculate as to just what plant he's from, Tim's "Uncle Boyd" continues with his plans to convert nearby tabernacle into an interplanetary craft.
The God Squad
First they got baptized, then they got badges. PBS presents the true story of the evolution of the BYU police. Special appearance by Cleon Skousen.
Everybody Loves Gordon
What WILL he say next? Larry King co-stars.
"Ninety Years Into The Past"
After exposing the President of the "Zik-Zion" corporation for his lack of discernment, Edison finds himself excommunicated from "Network 47-East" and declared a blank.
Max: "How-HOW-How can you tell when our Prophet is lying?"
"His lips are moving!"
Married, With Lots of Children
As Al works overtime at the Midvale Mall shoe store to pay for Bud's upcoming mission, Peg goes to the geneological library and discovers she's descended from Brigham Young. Meanwhile, Bud attempts to cash in with the TBM girls at his high school by adopting the personna and name of "Grand-Missionary-B"
NEXT WEEK: Kelly's many "conflicts" with the BYU "Honor Code" lead to her transfer to the U. of U.
South Park City
How will Kenny "blood-atone" this week?
After only one week in territorial Salt Lake City, Caine begs to be extradited back to China.
02/07/2000 - Riley Jensen
01/22/2000 - Brigham Smith
01/17/2000 - Brigham Smith
Standard US Ending:
Scarlett: "What shall I do? Where shall I go?"
Rhett : "Frankly, my dear, I dont give a dam-,er, DARN!
Special Zion "Faith-Promoting" ending:
Scarlett: "What shall I do? Where shall I go?"
Rhett : "Why to BYU, of course my dear!"
01/10/2000 - Brigham Smith
"Citizen Smith" - Newspaperman tries to destroy rivals
and suffers tragic result.
"Men In Black (With Nametags)" - YIKES! Coming soon to YOUR neighborhood!
"HoL-e'MoN" - Members of the "Celestial Circle" defend the Sacred City against internet attack by the dreaded "League of Intellectuals". Collect the entire set of 85 trading cards at all Zion-area A&W Root Beer locations.
"The Terrestial World is Not Enough" - Elder Bond, Agent 00-70, Saves Zion again, all the while obeying the Word of Wisdom AND The Law of Chastity. Rated 'G'
"From Moroni With Love" - Man with shadowy past claims to have found secret dossier. "The names Smith, JOSEPH Smith!
"The Rocky Horror Temple Show" - Taking a wrong turn, Brad and Janet endure a horrible and strangely twisted "Endowment Ceremony". Later, they are even more shocked as they find out they came to the right place after all.
"MORMONIC" - On a cruise from London to Salt Lake, Jack is viewed with resentment as he tries to blend in with Rose and the other "Celestial Class" passengers. Meanwhile, the Captain and First Officer ignore iceberg warnings, declaring that "The Thinking Has Been DONE"! Best Song nomination for Marie Osmond's rendition of "My Recommend Will Go On!"
"Bishop StrangeFaith; or; "How I Learned To Stop Questioning and Love the True Church"
"Apostacy Now" - Venture up the Jordan River in search of renegade Mission President Kurz. Based on Conrad's "Ward of Darkness"
"A Fist Full of Temple Recommends" - Introducing "The Temple-Worker with No Name"
" The Good. The Bad. And the Lack of Discernment Thereof." - Gordon and Mark; A touching twue story of twust. Barbara Walters narrates.
" All Quiet On The Wasatch Front" - The General Conference over, Ed Decker leaves town.
Live from the "Lone and Dreary" room of Las Vegas'"Celestial Palace Hotel and Casino", its former Bishop Jared Seinfeld...
01/02/2000 - John D Lee
In Search Of....."The real Book of Abraham Papyri"---Latest LDS research proves conclusively that the real Book of Abraham Papyri that Joey Smith used was stolen by the Anti's and replaced with a common funerary papyri to make the church look bad. Watch in amazement as Darth Packer, using his power of discernment, tracks down the real Papyri and hides it in the church vault safely out of reach of any qualified Egyptologist. Special Guests; Mark Hofmann, Jerald and Sandra Tanner.
01/01/2000 - John D Lee
In Search Of......."The Pioneers Trek West"---
In this episode we see why Brigham Young chose a barren salt lake to settle his people instead of going a few extra miles and claiming all of California's Gold Country for himself and the pioneers. 1)He aint no true Prophet. 2)God wasn't leading them. 3)Crops grow better in salt water. 4) Gold and riches would have only corrupted our true blue pioneers.-- Stay tuned for the answer from Kolob.
12/21/1999 - John D Lee
MYSTERIES OF THE BOOK OF MORON-------In this episode we investigate the reasons why a righteous isrealite family fleeing oppression in their homeland would build a boat and come all the way to the Western Hemisphere and then abandon their native language (Hebrew) in favor of a language (Reformed Egyptian) that nobody has ever used before or since. Be amazed as our Prophet, Gordon (Mr. Amnesia) Dinky gives an inspired talk on Book of Moron Geography. Also, he will be presenting for the first time ever The Official LDS Map of Book of Moron Geography. Now when some poor uninformed Christian shows you the Holy Land Map in the back of his King James Bible, you can show him your map. We know this map is accurate because we are the true church and we have a true Prophet of God who does all the thinking for us.(Pictures of actual archaeological evidence not included. Just rely on your testimony.)
Gordon Hinkley Debates the Anti's--------Ending 170 years of silence, the LDS Church is finally going to answer its critics and show the Anti's how stupid and foolish they really are. Behold the True Prophet of God on live T.V. as he performs many miracles, raises the dead, heals the sick and proves that the church is true for time and eternity. Nobody will ever have to rely on warm feelings anymore because our True Prophet will end all doubts. Watch in amazement as all the Anti's repent of thier foolish ways and join the One True Church. Be part of History as all of the Protestants and Catholics rush to join the LDS religion.
RESCUE AT MOUNTAIN MEADOWS-----Darth Packer stars as Bring'um Young in this true story about how the LDS priesthood in Southern Utah rescued 15 children from the clutches of ruthless Indians who just massacred 140 other members of thier families in the wagon train at Mountain Meadows.Then, just when you think there is going to be a happy ending, the Anti's come in and brainwash the children and make them think the church had something to do with it.Bad things get worse for the saints when the feds step in and railroad one of our true blue pioneers for something the Indians did.
12/11/1999 - Angie
Signfeld - dysfunctional nonmembers would find eternal happiness only if they cease to seek after signs and invite the missionaries in.
12/07/1999 - Brigham Smith
"Joseph Smith, American Propheteer"
Original title could've been "Chloroform in Celluloid." Marriot's money apparently cant buy the truth, but neither can it paper over the glaring oMISSIONs of this small-screen version of a missionary tract. This is the same one-sided, tired, and less than historically accurate puff-piece in which LDS authorities and their hirelings bring out the "Were always right and always persecuted" drabble, versus the critics, who are always portrayed as mean-spirited people whose opposition stems from some never-mentioned sin against the church (and, through inference, God) Who needs missionaries when you can instead marvel at this wonder. Just make sure your "companion piece" is a BARFBAG!
"Sabbath Night at the Fights"
Hoping to build on his recent success against Josiah Butterfield, defending champion "Holy Joe" Smith contends against latest challenger Walter Bagby, in this two out of three fall contest for the coveted title of "Light-Weight of Nauvoo"
"Miss Deseret Pageant"
Live from the Salt Lake Cow Palace.
"Coed Lime-Jello Wrestling"
This week, the Lady-Utes travel to BYU's Marriot Center
"Paul Dunn: The Championship Years"
11/09/1999 - anon
"In Search Of..." Missing sections of LDS handbooks.- The Usual Suspects
11/07/1999 - Brigham Smith
One day in Utah land Tinkie-Winkie asked Po if they could hold hands...
... The next day in Utah Land, Dipsy and La-La smoked some pot. Too bad, as "Packer-Whacker" was watching. You see, boys and girls, "Packer-Whacker" is a "Celestial-Tubbie". You can tell who he is because he is all black and white, and on top of his head are three points of unequal height, much like the church steeples in Utah Land. And, most important, his hands are always where you can see them.
Next Month: Kinderhook Pharmaceuticals new products (Regular and Temple Strength)
10/26/1999 - anon
"My Three Nephites"
"I Love Lucifer"
10/18/1999 - anon
The Church of Our Lives - in this episode: Gary has to go on a mission to realize he's gay; Bo and Amanda get married because they're horny; and Bishop Williams gets caught in his office with the Relief Society president under his desk. Stay tuned.
10/11/1999 - Brigham Smith
"Ode to the Bishop" by John Provo (unfinished)
I'm leaving on a jet plane,
Dont CARE when I see YOU again..."
Eegads! Its the millennial season of "The Shakespeare in Zion Festival" Grateful for his "big break" in the Book of Mormon (over 1000 years before his birth) The Bard has willingly submitted new plays especially adapted for the "Latter-Days"
Romeo and Emma - "Wherefore ART thou, Romeo?"
Much Ado About Conference
A Mid-Summer Night's Revelation
Joan of Relief Society - (I know thats really by Shaw, but it fits in)
Joseph The Third
As You Discern It
Bonus Shakespeare: "The Disfellowship of the Shrew"
The Merry Wives of Deseret
The Merchant of Nauvoo - (Originally titled "The ZCMI of Venice")
BrigHAMLET - Alas, Elder Lee. "I knew him well"
Mark Anthony (Hofmann) - "I come not to praise Joseph Smith, but to "Prophet" by him! Doest not thou think these "documents" wouldst repose well in thy vault?"
More mid-season replacements at "M" TV, a division of Kinderhook Productions
"You Bet Your (Eternal) Life"
Say the secret words (*Pay Lay Ale) and lose 10% All contestants receive "a years supply"
*No salamanders were harmed during production of this feature.
"Brigham Young's Dating Game"
Will it be bachelorette # 1, #2, or perhaps # 27?
"Brigham Young's Newlywed Game"
Plural Wives compete amongst each other for the biggest rooms.
"Brigham Young's Divorce Court"
Who's not getting her years supply?
"This Old, Polygamous House"
Bob and Karen and Marie and Ellen add a room at both ends of their expansive Colorado City ranch-style villa.
"Antiques OLDshow" (From the Salt Lake Cow Palace)
Notice! We do not appraise the following:
1) Mid 1970's station wagons, even if the simulated wood trim is "perfect"
2) Any Bishop's storehouse scrip, unless it is "Payable in Babes"
3) Any "antique" prophets, unless actively revelating.
Based on the anatomically correct "action figures" collect 'em all.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Missionaries"
"Man from T.E.M.P.L.E."*
Solo works to recover a stolen "Second Sealing" dossier from agents of T.R.A.S.H.
Program Note: *Tithing Enforcement Makes Prophet's Life Enjoyable Temple Rituals Are Somewhat Hokey
"Dr Quinn, Gentile Doctor Babe"
Non-believer MD must fight an outbreak of "Mormonosis", the symptoms of which include the male townsfolk becoming delirious in their quest for multiple wives
"The Wild Wild, Intermountain West"
Jim and Artemus have their hands full with secret ceremonies, plural wives, and roving bands of Danites.
Amen. Again we leave you. From the shadow of the everlasting doubt...
Next: The Simpson's Mormon Connection...(Just where is Springfield, anyway?)
13) "The Big, HAPPY, Valley" Tonights episode: The Atonement Victoria comes to regret the day she said "Show us some of Tom Barkley's guts!" Also starring Heath, the ward outsider who fought for recognition, and Audrey, the girl too impetuous to become a plural wife.
12) "The Mickey Mouse Doctrine Club" PropheTEER role call count off now!
11) "The Zionic Woman" Endowed with a new, experimental technology, Sister Cherlyn now eagerly accepts all of her church assignments.
10) "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? (-10%)" Hosted by Elder Philbin, star of "Regis and Sister Lee."
9) "Stake-Net" Sgt. Joe Sunday, BYU detective and Bishop of the Singles-Ward, goes undercover as a tobacco-user. Temple names have been changed to protect the innocent!
8)"Boydman and Gordon" Tonights guest-villian: The Faker, played by Mark Hofmann; Best Line: "Holy underwear! I must have left the 'Gift of Discernment'in my OTHER utility belt!"
7) "The Many Wives of Dobie Gillis" Tonight: "Z" is for Zelda
6) "Twilight Zone-The Church!" At the pointed steeple up ahead, your next stop..."
5) "Beverly Hilldale 84210 Bryce is torn between his love for Sharon and Miriam. NOT A PROBLEM!
4) "Long, Dark, Shadows" AKA "L-D-S" Will Stake-President Collins EVER let the beautiful Lucinda out of the church, or will she in desperation resort to another "Stake"?
3)"SuperMormon" Faster than fast-Sunday! More powerful than an Aaronic Priesthood meeting! Able to leap questionable doctrine with a single, confusing, response! And who, disguised as mild-mannered Boyd Packer, reporter for "The Daily Prophet", fights a never-ending battle for secret, er... sacred truths, revelations, and the LDS way! And, oh yeah, against the big "M" too. Tonight, SuperMormon seeks revenge against "Lex Lutheran", who last week put "Kolobite" in our heroes shorts.
2)"Kolob Trek: Missionary" "YOU WILL SERVICE...URANUS! (Part 1) After being assimilated to the Morg by Q, Picard and Ryker are ordained to divert the Intercourse "billions and billions" of miles to the "Inter-Galactic Missionary Training Center" for the start of its new, "two-year mission". Can Starfleet Deprogrammer Spock reach them in time?
1)"X" File Seeking proof of their removal from the Church, Free-Agents Mulder and Scully enlist the aid of "The Lone Nephites" to penetrate the ultra-sacred "Area 50-East". F.Michael Watson guest stars as "The Non- -Smoking Man." In a rare cameo role, Boyd K. Packer appears but does NOT play himself.
Also, I did a little non-genelogical research and have discovered the following truths:
Prozac is made by Dista Products, a division of Eli Lilly Similar products found in the Happy Valley PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) include:
PAXIL - Smith, Kline, and Beecham
ZOLOFT- Pfeizer(Roerig Division)
LUVOX - Solval Pharmaceutical Products
Next: The "Shakespere in Zion Festival"
10/05/1999 - Brigham Smith
"Music and the Unspoken Threat" Hosted by Boyd "Pud" Packer
"In Search Of..." ...Bogus Temple Rituals!
"In Search Of..." ...A way out of the LDS Church
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