Touch of Evil. Coming soon to the Joseph Smith Memorial Theater and a Stake Center or LDS Temple Vistors Center near you. Bring the entire family to this faith promoting true story of Fanny Alger's narrow escape from the lust and clutches of the Patriarchal Order. Buy it now at Desperate Book stores. 10% of proceeds will go the Women's Shelters of Kirtland, Ohio and Nauvoo, Illinois. Submit your screenplay scenes and comments in the box below.

Screen Play Background

With "Plan Ten From Outer Space", "Orgazmo", "God's Army", "Brigham City" and "The Book of Mormon Movie" creating a box office smash , The Lampoon is now producing still another blockbuster movie, "Touch of Evil". Since "the glory of God is screenplays" in these latter-days please help The Lampoon write the screenplay for the most spectacular movie since "Man's Search For Happiness."

The story begins with Joseph Smith and Brigham Young competing with each other in creative exercise of "unrighteous dominion" over the females of their flocks.

The action heats up when the humble Brother and Sister Alger convert to Mormonism bringing two lovely daughters into the fold with them.

Joseph and Brigham stretch their Melchizeldik Penishoods to the limit wooing the innocent fourteen year old Fanny.

The action continues from Ohio to Missouri to Illinois as the two prophets reveal their plans for the first Multi-Level Marketing of fornication and adultery to be known as polygamy.

The story concludes in with a conspiratorial and tragic twist of fate as Brigham rides off "westward ho" into the sunset.

Please submit your ideas, scenes, stories, dialog, director notes, filming ideas in the box below. They will be organized into "the one and only true and living screenplay" and posted here. You will literally be able to see the screenplay develop and unfold before your very web eyes. All submissions will be credited in the "movie credit scroll" if they come with a valid email and name attached. Anonymous submissions welcomed but will not be credited. In other words, don't expect to "make a buck" from your contributions. All submissions become the property of Latter Day Lampoon.

This movie is to be made "By the people, for the people and about the people." Hopefully, somebody will nominate this flick for a Salamander Award.

Please submit your name, email addy, and brief bio in case production actually starts on this sacred project. Future productions from Latter Day Lampoon may include: Downhill - 2002 Molympics - The Aftermath, The Temple Movie - Inspired Version, Johnny Lingo's Seven Wives Cow, The God Fakers - ED Decker Goes Undercover, Apocalypse And How - Guerilla Warfare At Adam Ondi Ahman, etc....


Screenplay Submissions and Suggestions

Fade to: ( a meeting in the woods ) A group of men around a bonfire ....

first man - "He has been after my wife as well!

2nd man - "What are we going to do about it!

voice off screen - "I know what to do!!! "

men in union - "Fanny!!!"

Fanny- "Yes, its me."

first man - "So you're the one behind the people trying to kill Joe Smith."

Fanny - "Yes, I am. "

2nd man - "But you're his wife! " fanny - "Oh please! I could care less about him, I hate his touch , I can't stand him. I feel like I was raped ... I want him DEAD ( angle close of fanny face as she wear a evil grin. ) .

first man - "But how? "

Fanny - "He is in the Carthage Jail - at dawn I plan to kill Joe Smith as he trys to escape the jail but I need your help!!!

2nd man - What do you want us to do?

Fanny - Here is what .... "

( CUT to )

CARTHAGE JAIL - Dawn - a group of painted men attack the jail ...

Joe Smith - "They willn't get me!! " With that he fires his gun out the door , when it's empty he moves to the window and tries to go out it - looking down he sees Fanny.

Joe Smith - " FANNY!!! "

Fanny- "Go to HELL !!! "With that she rise the gun and fires - cut to Joe Smith hand on chest...

Joe Smith - " Nooooooooo ! "And falls out of camera range.

cut to " THE END " - 03/25/2004 - by stevejudy22


The setting: Fanny Alger and all of the young women who Joseph Smith hit on gather along the banks of the Mississippi River at Nauvoo, Illinois to bath. Fanny leads them into a raucous and spontaneous "Oscar winning" rendition of this now famous tune.

I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outta my hair

(Tune: "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" with apologies to the musical "South Pacific" - 10/26/2003 - by cricket)

Fanny:
I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash that letch right outa my hair,
And bounce him out of the C.K.

I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,

Fanny and Lucinda, Sarah Ann, Eliza, Helen, et.al:
I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,
I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,
And prepare him for judgment day.

Don't try to cover it up

Girls:
Give it up, Give it up!

Fanny:
Wash Joe out, dry him out,

Girls:
Push Joe out, fly him out,

Fanny:
Castrate him and let him go!

Girls:
Yea, sister!

Fanny:
I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash that letch right outa my hair,
And bounce him out of the C.K.

If the prophet comes on to you,
If in your pants he tries to grope,
Waste no time, make a change,
Ride that man right off your range.
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion
Tell Emma, no more no nookie for him.

Girls:
Oho! If you laugh at Ol' Joe's antics,
If you root for a different prophet,
Waste no time, weep no more,
Show him what the door is for.
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion
Tell Emma, No more nookie for him..

Fanny:
You can't light a fire when the woods are wet,

Girls:
No!

Fanny:
You can't make a fallen prophet strong,

Girls:
Hmm, hmm!

Fanny:
You can't fix an egg when it ain't quite good,

Girls:
And you can't fix a prophet with a wayward dong!

Fanny:
You can't put back a petal when it falls from a flower,
Or sweeten up the prophet when he's usurp'n sexual power.

Girls:
Oh no! Oh no!

Fanny and Girls:
If his eyes get horney and lusty,
When you look for glints and gleams,
Waste no time,
Make him twitch,
Drop him in the nearest ditch!
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion,
Tell Emma, No more nookie for him.
Oho! Oho!

Fanny:
I went to wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I went to wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I went to wash that letch right outa my hair,
No way he's goin' to the CK.

Girls:
She went to wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
She went to wash the prophet right outa my hair,
She went to wash that letch right outa my hair,

Fanny and Girls:
And bounce him out of the CK!

Joseph sees Fanny bending over

09/27/2003 - MW from San Diego

Joseph sees Fanny bending over. "Fanny, " Joe says,"lay on me some 'a' that poon thang --it's the will of God". "Anything that fine and tasty with a whiff of country musk has just gotta be all for me, and -- you won't nevah be tighter than at fourteen."

"Oh Joe I dunno, my father might not understand the mysterious ways of God."

"Well", thought Joe, "God will smite him down then."

Itching Powder Surprise

11-16/2002 - anon

Joseph Smith was a prophet wannabe in Nauvoo, Illinois. He had a long standing obession to nuzzle the beautiful Fanny Algerís voluptuous young breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be martyrdom.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his confidante, John C. Bennett, who was Nauvooís leading physician. Dr. Bennett exclaimed that he could arrange for Joseph to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him $500 in Kirtland Bank notes to arrange it. Without pause, Joseph readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Dr. Bennett made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into Fanny Algerís brassiere while she performed baptisms for the dead in the Navuoo Temple. After she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned by Fannyís parents to address this incident, Dr. Bennett informed Mr. Alger that only a sacred and special saliva , if applied for two hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Joseph Smith, the prophet would work as the antidote to cure the itch. Mr. Alger quickly summoned Joseph .

Dr. Bennett then slipped Joseph the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Joseph worked passionately on the lovely miss Algerís voluptuous and magnificent breasts. Fannyís itching was eventually relieved and Joseph left satisfied and touted as a savior on Mount Zion.

Upon returning to his Nauvoo Mansion, Joseph found Dr. Bennett demanding payment of his Kirtland Bank notes. With his obsession now satisfied, Joseph couldnít have cared less, and knowing that Dr. Bennett could never report this matter to the High Council, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day inside the Nauvoo Temple, Dr. Bennett slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the crotch of Mr. Algerís temple garments during his washing and annointing.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

ACT 1: A Prophet's Rendezvous

Scene 1: Emma is away and Fanny Alger is cleaning the house as Joseph peers around the doorway watching her young sexy body sway to the motions of cleaning the floor.

[Camera zooms in on her full bosom, back to Joseph licking his lips, biting his lower lip and smiling mischievously] saying to himself "she will be mine, oh yes - thus saith the Lord - she will be." [Close up on her walking over to pick something up and camera closes in on her little round rump and again a close up on Joseph's face grinning like a money digger who just actually found some treasure through the use of a peep stone].

Joseph walks into the room quietly standing tall as Fanny is bent over cleaning and he presses his Mormon tool against her bottom pulling at her waist and she winces, "ewww brother Joseph, ewmm, is that your 'priesthood' or are you just happy to see me?"

Joseph "C'mon Fanny, why the Molly Mormon bit, when are you gonna give me some of that sweet sugar peach? You're just a little flirt, it's time you convert."

Fanny (giggling like a school girl being only 14?) "Oh Joseph you have a wife already."

Joseph "Be my spiritual wife in private my lovely Fanny."

Fanny (playing games) "But Joseph the Apostle Paul said it's good for a man not to touch a woman."

Joseph (playing along) "Yes, but he also said if they can't contain to let them marry so they don't burn with passion!"

Fanny (getting more serious) "But Joseph you can't have two wives, who will you love in heaven?"

Joseph (sounding like a charming and charismatic TV evangelist) "Remember Fanny, the Lord works in mysterious ways and it will all work out in heaven in order to please the Gods. You see all the Gods are doing it, it's like the playboy mansion up there and in the last days a chosen singer named George Michael will come and sing 'sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one on two, three, four.' (Note: yet one of many false prophecies)"

Fanny (getting upset) "you mean you would have me be your private whore!"

Joe "No no Fanny, uh I, I had a vision and I know it and my phallus knows it, my eyes show it (he gives her a charming wink) and I will not deny that I adore you."

Fanny (blushing) "Oh Joseph, but I just want a monogamous husband in a devoted relationship with a white house and a picket fence, you know a happy normal life."

Joe (speaking like a Mormon father who knows best) "Fanny, you're a Mormon now Hun, your life will never be normal. Obedience is better than sacrifice and faith without the works of your sweet flesh is painful abstinence. Do you want to hurt me. You see I must gird up my loins and bear this commandment for the continuation of the seed. (Sounding very sincere like a soap box actor on day time television) Look, this isn't easy for me either, do you think I want to have sex with a lot of women. You see an angel appeared to me with a huge sword and said he'd castrate me if I didn't start having sex with many different women in order to please the Gods. You remember the parable of the five talents. Well the Lord has given me many women to reveal my talents and to prove the women (D&C 132:51) for he never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it."

Fanny (not yet buying it) "I thought the Lord said his yoke is easy and his burden is light?"

Joseph "Yea whatever, he works in mysterious ways."

Fanny "But Joseph I am practically your daughter."

Joseph "You're not my daughter Fanny, and even if you were, haven't I taught you that God came down and had actual sex with Mary his own daughter. He works in mysterious ways and his ways are not our ways, now it will all work out in heaven."

Fanny "Yes, but the Book of Mormon in Jacob 2:24-7 says it's a sin to practice polygamy like Solomon did?"

Joseph (growing inpatient) "I wrote that before! Uhh, eh, uh I mean Solomon had 700 wives, so why can't I? (pausing to think a moment) you see Fanny there is sex in heaven (see Doctrines of Salvation vol.2 pg. 66), so the Gods with physical bodies need wives to procreate lots of spirit kids (see D&C 132:63-64) and so we are to practice this divine law down here as well and if you say "no" God might destroy you for he delights in the multiple sexual relationships of his male leaders with many women."

Fanny "well if it's in the Old Testament I guess it's OK?

Joseph "that's right, so never mind the Book of Mormon and the New Testament!"

Fanny "So if I want to be saved I must spread my legs?"

Joseph (amused by the thought) "yes, you see the Lord works in mysterious ways, he's a God of order and if you don't obey and submit to me then you might be destroyed" (close up on Joe rubbing his chin and thinking to himself in silence with a voice over "that would make a great title to my polygamy revelation "Be saved, spread your legs.")

Fanny "Oh Joseph I do not want to sin!"

Joe (trying to persuade her gently) "Don't worry because with me my exaltation is already sealed and all my sins are forgiven (see D&C 132:49-50) so for you it'll be a 'transgression' as I wrote, I mean as it says in the Book of Mormon about the Fall of Adam being a good thing. You see God planned for them to fall and likewise you and I are destined to fall in bed. Fanny there must needs be heat between us for like it says in Ecclesiastes 4:11 '.if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" He leans in and kisses her, [camera zooms in on his hands grabbing her firm breasts, and back up to her face as she pulls away a little to ask shyly with a teenage giggle] "Joseph, what are you doing?"

Joseph continues to grope her ample breasts and begins kissing her neck quoting Proverb 5:19, "Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

Fanny (getting hot and bothered filling his package protruding through his pants) "Oh Joseph can I hold your priesthood"

Joseph (pulls it out and she wraps her little hand around his pulsing hot dog) saying, "hold to the rod Fanny"

Fanny (holding his manhood) "what is that?"

Joe "That's my priesthood."

Fanny "Has it a name?"

Joe "It has."

Fanny "will you give it to me"

Joe "I cannot, for you have not yet received it into your mouth"

Fanny "I will go down Joseph and return and report" (as she drops to her knees and her tongue circles his naval) "ohhh, what a healthy navel and strong bones you have" (filling around his torso pulling down his pants all the way and kissing his equipment) saying "umm, with strength in the loins!" as he becomes fully erect as his tool hovers in front of her bright brown eyes and she says "ahh, and power in the priesthood" as she succumbs to his priesthood authority engulfing his shaft and sucking madly like a hyper school girl sucks on a lolly pop pleasing all of the exalted men in heaven.

Joseph (thinking to himself "hey I should use that dialogue in my secret temple ritual" then with his strong arms he pulls her to his feet) saying, "I want you now!"

Fanny turns frigid in fear "but I must obey Father."

Joe "Do you plan to obey all of Father's rules, did he not say to multiply and a man shall cling to the woman, and it's not good for a man to suffer blue balls!"

Fanny "I see that this must be, we must screw that you might cum in order to appease the polygamous gods and glorify these celestial men."

Joseph "I just learned secret Freemasonry and later I will design a ritual for all of my women and the moral sanction of adultery."

Fanny "Yes Joseph, whatever, will you give it to me!"

Joseph "I will through this lamb skin rubber Bennett gave me, from behind, on the four points of doggy style"

Joseph penetrates her little veil experiencing the plan of happiness on the four points of sexual fellowship and begins to bless her with his rock hard priesthood power as she begins chanting "Oh God, oh God yes Joseph yes Joseph hear the words of my mouth, you are a God!

Joe (smiling and mumbling to himself) "Yes I am and I shall reign in heaven a supreme a being as all the Gods, and I boast that I have screwed more women than any other man had, even Adam our God, even Casanova couldn't keep all his women together, but my secret concubines haven't run away from me yet."

Fanny "Yes, yes, oh Fetch! Yea F*#% me like Solomon! Spank my ass, oh yea that's it I feel it, I feel it, I 'know' this church is true!"

Joe then pulls out and spills his seed on the ground like Onan does in Gen. 38:9-10 and the scene cuts to bearded men in heaven all dressed in white playing cards with a bunch of pregnant women in the background baking, cleaning, and changing diapers as the men stop the game abruptly to look down and shake their heads in disapproval, the head god saying "get a rope."

Cut to Joseph and Fanny naked in bed.

Fanny "When do I get the priesthood authority?"

Joe "It's only for the men."

Fanny "But you let that Negro slave Elijah Abel have the priesthood!"

Joe "Fine, no more blacks can hold the priesthood, you happy, only white fair and delightsome men can."

Fanny "What are you gonna say when people ask you about polygamy?"

Joe "I'll say 'I don't know much about it, I don't know that we teach it,' and I'll keep it a secret."

Fanny "you know that Oliver Cowdery already suspects something."

Joe "I'll just tell him 'look it's history and I interpreted that doctrine that way at that time and we learn line upon line precept upon precept' and if he still fusses I'll just excommunicate him and see how he likes a scarlet letter."

Fanny "Oh, Joseph you're so powerful."

Joe "That's right I'm the prophet, seer, revelator, as well as a General, a Mayor, did I tell you I'm running for President of the United States and one day I'll be God."

Fanny "When you're a God who will be your first wife, me or Emma?"

Joe "Fanny, you need to have faith and everything will work out in heaven."

Fanny "Will you love me the most Joseph?" (as she begins to cry).

Joe "Now now, my sweet little concubine, I will love all of my wives the same."

Fanny (still crying) "You know David Whitmer is telling people about your magic stone and people know that Sydney Rigdon talked you into a lot of the new doctrines and what if you get caught."

Joseph "I'll just tell everyone Whitmer fell into apostasy, they'll believe me over him because I'm God's official mouthpiece."

Fanny (no longer crying) "What will you say when people learn that you lied about not practicing spiritual wifism and doing it on the sly?"

Fanny "You under estimate these people's loyalty, Mohammed also had numerous wives as it says in the Koran that he wrote and millions believe him. I'll just say its 'deep doctrine' and 'milk before meat' and to pray about it, or if I have to I'll give the excuse that 'a prophet is a prophet only when he's acting as such and I can't lead them astray."

Joseph then leans under the bed to pull out a hidden stash of cigars and sits up against the bed post and lights one and puffs a cloud of smoke that lingers in front of his face slowly dissipating to show a very happy man, as Fanny starts to get dressed before Emma comes back.

Joe "Listen uh, Fanny, don't ever tell Emma about my cigar smoking OK. She thinks it's gross and I already had to write a revelation forbidding all use of tobacco because she thought it was discussing when the guys would spit tobacco on the floor when they come over to visit. Now she wants me to stop drinking."

Fanny "All your secrets are safe with me my Prophet, Lover, and King."

Joseph "Will you make a blood oath for me darling."

Fanny "I'll blindly obey and perform anything you say Joseph."

Joseph then begins to give her directions and she follows his orders, "now stand and raise your right arm to the square your left hand extended cupping my balls (as he pulls her hand into his crotch blowing smoke out the side of his mouth). Now say I swear (she repeats his words), that I will not reveal my secret affair with Joseph Smith or suffer the doctrine of blood atonement having my throat slit (he makes the sign of raising his right are and thumb to the right ear and dragging it along the throat to the other ear and she copies him), suffering death before telling our secret. Now cross your tits and hope to die. That'uh girl. Now bow down and say yes Master Joseph. And uh, while you're down there." (Fanny smiles and takes a deep breathe opening her mouth closing in toward the screen, cut to camera moving up Joseph's torso on up to him taking the cigar from his mouth and smiling; fade to a black screen with the words 15 minutes later).

Joseph gives her one last kiss as she hurries out of the bedroom and camera cuts to Joseph grinning with a look of total control and power as he takes another drag off his cigar and the camera follows the cloud of smoke as it rises above his head fading away to slowly disappear revealing a painting, hanging just over the bed, of Emma Smith looking like she is glaring down at him in rage. Camera continues to pan upward to another room in all white with a sign saying the "pre-existence," camera closing in on a crowd of people and two women with name tags reading "Laurena Bobbit" and "Hillary Clinton" as they both look down through the clouds and shake their heads together saying "Men! You can't live with them and you can't get to the Celestial Kingdom without'em!"

- 09/27/2001 from Bill author of What do Joseph Smith and Hugh Hefner have in common?


BROTHER ALGER: "Sir, you have wounded me!"

SMITH: "I? Why, what on earth is wrong?"

BROTHER ALGER: "You have propositioned my wife!"

SMITH: (Puzzled) "No, I did not proposition your wife. All I asked was for your daughter's hand in marriage."

BROTHER ALGER: "Oh, THAT'S alright, Brother Joseph! Sister Alger got it all confused. When you asked her if you could kiss her little fanny, she misunderstood what you wanted!"

05/10/2001 - from Matt the exmo

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