Saving Elder Ryans' Privates.
Coming soon to the Joseph Smith Memorial Theater and a Stake Center or LDS Temple Vistors Center near you. Bring the entire family to this faith promoting true story of an Elder's narrow escape from lust and the jaws of hell. Buy it now at Desperate Book stores. 10% of proceeds will go the Missionary Rescue Fund. Submit your screenplay scenes and comments in the box below.

Screen Play Background

With "Plan Ten From Outer Space", "Orgazmo" and "God's Army" such smash hits, The Lampoon is now producing another blockbuster movie, "Saving Elder Ryan's Privates." Since "the glory of God is screenplays" in these latter-days please help The Lampoon write the screenplay for the most spectacular movie since "Man's Search For Happiness."

The story begins with Elder Ryan being called on an LDS mission. He is the youngest of four boys in an orthodox Mormon family living in Provo, Utah.

Unfortunately, his three older brothers all returned dis-honorably one by one from their missions, thus shaming their parents nearly to death.

Elder Ryan is serving in Tahiti where gorgeous women often go topless in public. With his holy hormones raging and "romance novel" good looks, the Tahitian lovelies and tourist women are after him 24x7.

Elder Boyd Clay Pecker receives a call from Elder Ryan's mission president about Elder Ryan problem and immediately realizes that he, Elder Pecker has personally excommunicated all three of Elder Ryan's older brothers one at a time for "falling" while on their missions.

Elder Pecker takes it upon himself to spare those faithful parents from more shame and to rescue Elder Ryan from himself and those gorgeous babes by calling upon his crack team of super missionaries. This especial assignment takes the team to Tahiti to bring Elder Ryan back to Provo with his dignity and chastity in tact........and so the screenplay goes.....

Please submit your ideas, scenes, stories, dialog, director notes, filming ideas in the box below. They will be organized into "the one and only true and living screenplay" and posted here. You will literally be able to see the screenplay develop and unfold before your very web eyes. All submissions will be credited in the "movie credit scroll" if they come with a valid email and name attached. Anonymous submissions welcomed but will not be credited. In other words, don't expect to "make a buck" from your contributions. All submissions become the property of Latter Day Lampoon.

This movie is to be made "By the people, for the people and about the people." Hopefully, somebody will nominate this flick for a Salamander Award.

Please submit your name, email addy, and brief bio in case production actually starts on this sacred project. Future productions from Latter Day Lampoon may include: The Temple Movie - Inspired Version, Johnny Lingo's Seven Wives Cow, The God Fakers - ED Decker Goes Undercover, Apocolypse And How - Guerilla Warfare At Adam Ondi Ahman, etc....


LMAO @ Brent! I'm a female, and I'd be in the kitchen eating chocolate and humping the edge of the countertop at the same time under such circumstances. Where do these people come from? I think the whole "Be Ye..." sermon ought to go into the film spliced with a scene involving a bunch of Elders pulling their pants on tighter and tighter until they start doing an erotic wedgy dance. - 01/18/2003 - from Molly

Screenplay Submissions and Suggestions


Sister Troy and Pony Play

11/16/2002 - by - MistressAthenea@hotmail.com

Elder Ryan's troubles grow exponentially when he meets Sister Troy. Contrary to the rules of one sister being alone with one elder, she whisks him off to a quiet corner and introduces him to her darker half. She explains that back home, there are a lot of people who know her only as "Mistress Helen."

Helen Troy quickly explains that her specialty is "Pony play," an idea that she took from one of her ancestors after dutifully doing her geneology and reading about the trojan horse.

For those of you readers (since this doesn't seem to be in the process of actualy becoming a movie) unfamiliar with pony play, it is where a Mistress (or Master) trains his/her slave like a pony. This can involve whips, crops, butt plugs equipt with horse tails, harnesses, and anything else one can imagine.

I'll let your imaginations take it from there.

Larry the Script Doctor's Version

11/16/2002 - by Larry

NEW DIRECTOR'S NOTE: I am attempting to string these scenes together in a cohesive order, as previous screenwriter Matthew William Kempton left an incomplete out-of-order screenplay in his personal portfolio for this production.

The story begins with Elder Ryan being called on an LDS mission. He is the youngest of four boys in an orthodox Mormon family living in Provo, Utah.

Unfortunately, his three older brothers all returned dis-honorably one by one from their missions, thus shaming their parents nearly to death.

Elder Ryan is serving in Tahiti where gorgeous women often go topless in public. With his holy hormones raging and "romance novel" good looks, the Tahitian lovelies and tourist women are after him 24-7.

Elder Boyd Clay Pecker receives a call from Elder Ryan's mission president about Elder Ryan problem and immediately realizes that he, Elder Pecker has personally excommunicated all three of Elder Ryan's older brothers one at a time for "falling" while on their missions.

Elder Pecker takes it upon himself to spare those faithful parents from more shame and to rescue Elder Ryan from himself and those gorgeous babes by calling upon his crack team of super missionaries. This especial assignment takes the team to Tahiti to bring Elder Ryan back to Provo with his dignity and chastity in tact........and so the screenplay goes.....

I suggest that the film take some twists.

-- Elder Ryan has actually fallen, but he's trying to hide it. Elder Hardup is looking after him on this mission, but he might possibly succumb to temptation as well and help Elder Ryan succeed in the cover-up.

-- The group of LDS missionaries who are sent to the Tahitian jungle and are captured by the naked ladies are going there to investigate any cover-up that might have taken place and to protect Elder Ryan from this thing happening, if need becomes so. If at all possible, a new twist taken here will have Elders Ryan or Hardup paying the girls to capture them to prevent Elder Ryan's parents' death from embarrassment when they hear about it.

-- The scene containing the discussion between President Strict and Elder Straightlace must be placed at the beginning of the film to give us a sense of why Elder Ryan is in the Tahitian jungles and the fact that there might possibly have been some danger of this sort of thing happening before.

I have more ideas, which I shall send later.

_____________________

11/03/2002 - from John-E-Boi
OK, in the "Fifty Naked Tahitian Women" there needs to be a Ripp off of Jurassic Park, when Muldoon gets killed by a Raptor...Just a thought

01/04/2001 - anon
I think at some point Elder Ryan should soil his "garments."

11/15/2000 - Matt2@purpleturtle.com

Scene: Elder Berry To The Rescue

Elder Berry has been sent by Boyd K. himself to help ensure that Eldery Ryan is not disgraced in the mission field.

BERRY: "Hello, Elder Ryan. I am your new missionary companion, Elder Berry."

RYAN: "Pleased to meet you, Elder Berry. Where are you from?"

BERRY: "Oh, me? I'm from a little place called Fire Island. I doubt you have even heard of it."

RYAN: "Sorry, can't say I have."

BERRY: "No need to apologise. I doubt one Mormon in 20 has ever heard of Fire Island. Still, we are not here to talk about me. We are hear to talk about you, Elder Ryan."

RYAN: "Me?"

BERRY: "There's no need to sound so shocked, Elder Berry. You have friends upstairs who are looking out for your interests. They know about the problems you have been having here, with the local girls. And I guess they DO have certain charms, if you like that kind of thing. Though if some of them turned round suddenly, they could put your eye out."

RYAN: "Well, why not transfer me to another mission field?"

BERRY: "No can do, Elder Ryan. The problem is that unless you have a very serious illness and need to be moved on health grounds, it would look VERY bad on your record. And heaven KNOWS what that would do to your poor parents."

RYAN: "Yes, I guess I had not thought it through. What with my three brothers being sent back early and excomunicated for moral turpitude, having unlawful carnal knowledge of a goat and illegal temple garment trafficing, even the very appearance of a problem would just about finish my folks off."

BERRY: "Yes, that's the ticket. But exactly what do we do to ensure that you do not fall and sin with a woman?"

RYAN: "I...I don't know. Do YOU have any suggestions?"

BERRY: "Why, yes, I do, as it happens. Have you ever considered... the love that dares not speak its name?"

RYAN: "Sorry, I don't watch the soaps at home. Though I must say I have never heard of that one."

BERRY: "No. Sorry, look... have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with a man?"

RYAN: "Elder Berry! What are you suggesting?!"

BERRY: "I can't help myself! For years I have been able to keep the homosexual side of my nature deeply hidden, by looking each night at a photograph of Boyd K. Packer and saying over and over again: "Would you screw that? Would you screw that?" That has always put me off having sex with men. Until now, Elder Ryan! No wonder the local women are going crazy for you! What's say, man? Want to play hide the sausage?"

RYAN: "I...I..."

BERRY: "Oh, come on, man! I want you to be my love bunny! WILL you be my love bunny?"

RYAN: "This is some kind of test. right? Some kind of sick test?"

BERRY: "Look at my pants, you idiot! The only thing my boner is testing is the strength of the sewing on my pants crotch!"

RYAN: "Oh, God! No!"

BERRY: "I am going to tongue kiss you, Elder Ryan! I am going to probe your very tonsils with my moist, warm tongue!"

RYAN: "Let go of me! I am not gay! I don't hold anything against gay men. But especially I don't hold my body against them!"

BERRY: "Don't reject me! hug me! Kiss me! Be MINE!"

RYAN: (Splutters) "Get your fetchin' tongue out of my mouth!"

Door opens, in walks BKP.

BKP (Coldly) "Good morning Elder Ryan. Good morning Elder Berry. Elder Berry, before I ask you what you were doing, since when were missionaries allowed to carry GUNS on their mission?"

RYAN: "That's not a gun, Brother. Elder Berry is... uh... just very glad to see me."

BKP: Oh, Fetch!"


11/04/2000 - Bill Kempton

Scene: The Commitment Pattern of Passion

Scene: Deep in the Tahitian jungle a young missionary finds himself separated from his companion. Rummaging through some brush Elder Peter Priesthood finds himself face to face with a naked young Tahitian woman.

Elder: "Will you put some clothes on?"

Woman: "Will you take yours off?"

Elder: "I sense you have a concern about wearing clothes."

Woman: "Am I turning you on Elder?"

Elder: Avoiding the question. "Will you pray that you may know of a certainty the true nature of clothes?"

Woman: Spreading her arms, and closing her eyes. "Oh God hear the words of my mouth! Let me embrace this Elder and teach him the Tahitian horizontal mambo!"

Elder begins to panic and reverts to the sharpest arrow in his quiver to ward off the lustful woman, by bearing his shield and battle cry testimony."I.I.know" camera closes in on the woman's ample breasts; pan back to Elder, closing in on him licking his lips, "I know.I know your breasts are real, by every inch of my erection."

Camera close up on his face showing frustration, cringing in error, "I mean, I know.I've felt a burning in my, my, bosom." Close up on woman's breasts and then her full lips and wanting eyes, flirting intensely. Camera goes too a large bulge in the Elders pants, and she interrupts with a deeper voice, "Yes, I too feel a yearning and burning inside me! Our passion is true (pointing at the bulge) your pants beareth witness! Oh Elder can I hold your Priesthood?"

Overwhelmed by the spirit of passion she jumps on top of him and as the Elder falls backward into some brush, in ecstasy he yells, "We shall be as gods!"

We hear moaning and shuffling and the woman yells, "Oh yes Elder, that's it, speak in tongues!"

Then the Elder yells, "Hold to the rod!"

We hear louder moaning and the woman says, "Oh, yes spill your celestial seed on my breasts that they may glitter like the stars in the firmament!"


10/12/2000 - cheetahgirl81@yahoo.com

Scene: Nocturnal Visions and Emissions

Scene (wherever may fit)

Night time, wild life chirping or making soft noise outside, focus on light girlish snoring outdoors for a moment.

Elder Hardup: (shaking Elder Ryan vigorously in his sleep)

Elder! Elder, wake up this instant, for goshness's sake, NOW, it's imperative to your spiritual integrity!!!

Elder Ryan: (moaning and mumbling as he wakes) What?

Elder Hardup: I, as your senior companion, have been monitoring your sheets. The sheet around your midregion was beginning to rise. Pour the ice water on your bedside stand over your head, getting naked to take a cold shower is far too risky. Now, elder, or I'll be forced to do it for you.

Elder Ryan: Okay, you do it, I don't want cold water on my head . . . (trails off, snuggling into the sheets)

Elder Hardup: (shakes him again) Elder!

Elder Ryan: (groan) Yeah, yeah, come on, I feel like my balls are going to explode, the General Majorities said that wet dreams are okay.

Elder Hardup: And usually accompanied by pornographic dreams. Elder, now. (grabs the bucket of water and pours it on Ryan's head (yes, the one on his neck)) Burst testicles are a temporal sacrifice, elder! You should be more than willing to endure the pain God has told you to to save your soul.

Elder Ryan: (gasps) Holy shhhh . . . holy . . . aagh. (sinks into despair) You're right. You're right. But what so bad about thinking of the lovely girls sleeping lightly outside, waiting for me? (closes his eyes and smiles)

Elder Hardup: That's it. (stands and violently grabs a Book of Mormon, opening it randomly.) And it came to pass that in this year the people of Nephi again were hunted and driven. And it came to pass that we . . .

Elder Ryan: (unable to think about the women now, however hard he tries)

After time, Elder Ryan falls to sleep.

Elder Hardup: (closes the book) Again he is saved from temptation, the poor, poor young spirit. (replaces the book and sits on the side of his bed, actively watching for signs of the erection's recurrence.)


07/16/2000 - anon
Cling to the rod.....NOT THAT ROD Elder Ryan!!!!

A voice as if from heaven.....Had the previous Elder Ryans done just that they may have returned honorably!


06/17/2000 - Anonymous Coward

Fifty Naked Tahitian Women

[Scene: Deep in the Tahitian Jungle. Eight missionaries, equipped with the latest and greatest in conversion technology, slip silently through the undergrowth. Books of Mormon at the ready, they believe themselves ready to overcome any temptation Satan can throw at them. If only they knew. . .]

[The eight missionaries are: Elder Straightlace, Elder Righteous, Elder Elder, Elder Temples, and Elders Wont-survive-long-enough-to-be-Named (1 - 4).]

[Elder Straightlaced stops and checks his map. The other elite commando-missionaries circle around him, keeping one eye out for anything of a lascivious nature.]

Elder Straightlaced: The village is just a few miles ahead. The Adversary has most likely laid his cunning snares here, here, and here [points to the map which, due to the low-budget and volunteer nature of this film is actually a street map of Flagstaff, AZ.] If we keep to the river, our virtue should be safe. I'll take point. Move out!

[The camera pulls back to reveal a nubile young Tahitian woman peering at them through the branches. As the eight righteous young men make their way down the trail, she slips away to deliver the message that the village is being infiltrated by eight good-looking men.]

[A ways down the road. . .] Elder Elder: Do you smell that?

Elder Righteous: Perfume?

Elder Straightlaced: It's coming from the river. Go check it out, Elder! [All seven turn and head upwind.]

NO! Just Elder Elder! Ascertain the enemy's numbers, then return and report.

[Elder Elder creeps with perfect stealth through the undergrowth. The scene which awaits him is one which would strike fear into even the mightiest Servant of the Lord. Dozens of beautiful Tahitian girls are bathing in the river, chatting, playing with each other's hair. All are completely lost to the spirit of righteousness, which is evident from their entirely nude status. If they were blessed with the spirit of righteousness, they would feel the heart-rending shame that Adam and Eve felt in the Garden. Elder Elder begins counting. . .]

[The other seven sit in a circle, seated on their backpacks.]

Elder Temples: What's taking him so long? He must be in trouble.

Elder Straightlaced: You're right. He should have been back an hour ago. I'll be back in a jif.

[A few minutes later. . .] Elder Straightlaced: Elder! What are you doing??!!! [whispered, but harsh]

Elder Elder: Well, umm. . . I started counting like you told me, except I kept losing count. . . [Elder Straightlaced grabs him by the collar, and they take off towards the main party.]

You can repent when we get home. Right now, we have a mission to focus on.

[The two missionaries meet up with the others.]

Elder Straightlaced: Terrible news, men. The river is crawling with the temptations of the flesh. Fifty naked Tahitian girls. . .

Elder Elder: You mean one hundred.

Elder Straightlaced: Fifty naked Tahitian girls are. . .

Elder Temples: Say that again?

Elder Straightlaced: Are you deaf? Fifty naked Tahitian girls are. . .

Elder Temples: I'm not deaf. I just like hearing it.

Elder Straightlaced: Elder Temples, you're endangering the mission! Now, we're going to have to. . .

Elder Righteous: Convert them? [said with eagerness and hope]

Elder Straightlaced: No, what we're going to do is. . .

Elder Righteous: Alma and Amulek converted thousands of people at the same time. If we just preach the Gospel with all the power and authority we possess, we'll surely overcome! [he takes off towards the river]

Elder Straightlaced: Elder! Oh, fudge! Well, if he's not back in five minutes, we leave without him. [Elder Righteous immediately returns.] What? Forget your Books of Mormon?

Elder Righteous: They're gone!

Elder Temples: Whaddayamean, gone?

Elder Righteous: There's nobody at the river!

[Elder Straightlaced thinks for a moment and then exclaims. . .] Elder Straightlaced: We've got to get out of here. NOW!!!

[The eight righteous priesthood-bearers move quickly. The noises of the jungle become more ominous, and each man clasps his Book of Mormon tight as the group moves single file through the dense vegetation. The jungle noises become interspersed with enticing giggles, and the missionaries move faster. Slowly, a chant begins to build. The english is imperfect, but clearly they're saying "Elll-der, elll-der, elll-der." They break into a dead run.]

[Elder Wontsurvive1, who is bringing up the rear, trips over a root, spilling BoMs all over. Immediately, three pairs of hands reach out from the bushes and grab his legs, pulling him off the trail. Shoes fly out, followed by a tie, a suit coat, pants, and a pair of garment bottoms, which land on a branch. As the camera slowly zooms in on the undergarment, we hear. . .]

Elder Wontsurvive1: No! NO!!! Someone help! Oh, God, no! Oh god! Oh GOD, yes! YES!!!

[Elder Wontsurvive2 accidentally springs a trap. A rope grabs his ankles, launching him thirty feet in the air. As he dangles upside down, he is staring face to inverted face at a Tahitian girl with a body that would have made Michaelangelo throw down his chisel and just give up.]

Tahitian beauty 1: Ellll-derrr. [She gives him a playful shove, and giggles as the missionary swings back and forth.]

[Meanwhile, down below. . .]

Elder Temples: [panting] Weren't there more of us?

Elder Righteous: [Book of Mormon at the ready] We have to find them!

[all look at Elder Straightlace. Elder Straightlace slowly removes his tie and wraps it around his head in Rambo fashion.]

Elder Straightlace: Their souls are lost already. They belong to Satan, and there is nothing more we can do for them.

Elder Elder: But if we. . .

Elder Straightlace: SILENCE! As the senior companion, I make the decisions. We were given a mission, and by our Lord and Savior who sits ensconced in yonder heavens, we're going to carry it out! They knew the risks. Now get moving.

[The pitter-patter of dozens of feet is heard behind them. Flashes of skin are visible through the undergrowth.]

Elder Straightlace: Don't look back! Don't any of you dare look back!

[Elder Wontsurvive4 looks back, then looks forward, then looks back again, then looks forward. He goes well out of his way to trip over a root.]

Elder Wontsurvive4: Nooooo! I'm finished! No, don't try and help me! I'll hold them off as long as I can! [Immediately, he is surrounded by a dozen girls as the rest stream onward.]

Elder Elder: They got Wally! By the prophets, they got Wally! I'll show those bitches the TRUE meaning of Priesthood Power! [He turns, facing the giggling, jiggling onslaught, raises the Book of Mormon in the air, and screams] In the name of Jesus Christ and by the priesthood which I hold, I cast thee out, Satan! [Onslaught continues jiggling in his direction. Realizing that another approach is needed, he flips open his scriptures and begins reading. . .] And it came to pass that he immediately sent an epistle to Pahoran, desiring that he should cause men to be gathered together to. . . how the HELL is that supposed to. . . HELLLLLLPPPPP!!!!

Elder Straightlace: It's getting desperate. Elder Elder, start singing a hymn! That should keep our sinful desires at bay.

Elder Elder: [sheepishly, and off-key] There is beauty all around. . .

Elder Straightlace: NO! Not THAT one!

Elder Righteous: Look! Up ahead!

[Elder Straightlace looks. A phalanx of curvaceous nude women block their path.]

Elder Straightlace: We can't go that way! Into the jungle!

[A dozen more young women emerge from the trees. The group is completely surrounded.]

Elder Righteous: We're completely surrounded!

[See?]

[Elders Elder and Righteous each grab a Book of Mormon in each hand, holding them out in front of them like talismans.]

Elder Straightlace: We've lost this round, my friends. But keep the faith. I'll be back for you! [He shoves past the encroaching circle. One particularly ambitious native [Tahitian Beauty 2] jumps on his back and tries to bring him down. With a struggle, he manages to roll her off.]

Tahitian Beauty 2: [laying on her stomach. She punches the ground.] Phooey!

Elder Elder: Umm. . . er. . . hello. We're representatives of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. [The girls stop, somewhat confused.] Are you interested in learning of Jesus Christ's atonement, and the plan of happiness? [They nod their heads uncertainly.] I have a lesson about the plan of happiness. Would you like to. . .

Elder Righteous: . . . cover me in chocolate syrup?

[The women converge]


03/14/2000 - Dr. Shades

Scene: Not Long After Ryan Arrives in the Field

Directors Note:Although Elder Ryan knows that his strict, self-righteous companion is probably his first, last, and only line of defense against the voluptuous topless natives, he is beginning to resent the constant exhortations which are beginning to sound more and more like he has been paired with a babysitter, not a companion.

When 9:30 rolls around and they leave the apartment, sure enough, the bevvy of beautiful women who have camped outside their apartment the night before are still there. Why assume they would give up just as morning rolled around?

"Elder Ryan! Elder Ryan!" they scream. Some rush toward him, others break down into tears. The one who reaches him first places a hand-made flower necklace over his head. Smirking at his senior companion, who has almost been trampled by the unruly topless female mob, he says, "Hey, now I can write to my friends back home and tell them I got lei'd on my mission!"

His companion, Elder Hardup, scowls and says, "Don't be an asshole."

Ryan retorts, "And you don't be a holy ass."

Hardup rejoins with: "You need to lock your heart, Elder!"

"It's worse than that, I need to lock my zipper," Says Ryan, who fears that in another 30 seconds "Hardup" will be a name more appropriate for him than for his companion.


03/15/2000 - abelard35

Scene: "We Will Go Down"

(Elder Ryan and his companion are teaching two beautiful young women. Elder Ryan decides they're ready for the "meat" of the Gospel, so he gives them a quick preview of the Temple Ceremony.)

Ryan: And then Elohim says "go down to the Earth and make fishes and stuff." And Jehovah and Michael say "We will go down."

Girl #1: Sounds good to me!

Both Girls: We will go down, Elders!

(The girls kneel in front of each elder and start undoing the Elder's belts.)

Elder Hardup: Elder Ryan! You should never have revealed the secret words of the temple! Now I must let your bowels out to gush on the ground!

Girl #2: There's going to be something gushing out of Elder Ryan pretty soon, but it won't be bowels!

Ryan: Stop it! Stop it, I say! (He raises his arm to the square) In the name of the Lord I command you to... to... ahhh... oh... oh... OH MY GOD!!!


03/23/2000 - Dr. Shades

Scene: Pecker's Peckers Arrive

[Directors notes: This scene takes place sometime after the "we will go down" scene]

(The mission president, President Strict, is at his desk fielding a barrage of phone calls from female members each begging for the president to transfer Elder Ryan to their area ASAP. Suddenly the AP walks in the open office door with four unfamiliar missionaries in tow. The AP nods to them, gestures toward the president, then walks out, closing the door behind him. President Strict hangs up the phone.)

ELDER STRAIGHTLACED: Hello, President. You're probably expecting us. I'm Elder Straightlaced, and these are the three others sent with me by Elder Boyd Clay Pecker. We're his team of crack missionaries.

PRESIDENT STRICT: Goddamn it! I've been preaching against the evils of homosexuality for this long, and Pecker sends me a team of crack missionaries??

STRAIGHTLACED: No, not that type of "crack," you idiot. It means we're on the cutting edge of missionary discipline. So, where's Elder Ryan? I hope his bags are packed, for we've got a chartered plane to Provo to catch.

STRICT: Didn't you hear? After his latest infraction I transferred him again. This time, I sent him deep into the bush.

STRAIGHTLACED: What? We're here to get him away from all the bush, and you sent him right into it? What's the matter with you?

STRICT: No, not that kind of "bush," you fool. I got so sick of his antics that I wanted to perform Blood Atonement, but I didn't have the guts, so-to-speak. So I sent him deep into the Tahitian jungles, where there are headhunters.

STRAIGHTLACED: Head hunters? I thought there were too many head hunters right here. That's why we were sent for him, so his head would no longer be hunted by them.

STRICT: No, not that kind of "head," you jerk! I mean that empty thing that's sitting on top of your neck! At any rate, the savages in the jungles will probably do away with him and end my hassles for good!

STRAIGHTLACED: I can't imagine what would make you mad enough to do something like this. I guess it had to do with that last incident we heard about, where he and his companion talked about the temple and went about it the opposite way, giving two female investigators "meat before milk?"

STRICT: Actually, "meat before cream" describes it best.

STRAIGHTLACED: No matter, what's done is done. (turning to the three others) Looks like things just got a bit more complicated. That plane might be waiting a very long time, 'cause our mission just extended! We're off to the jungle, for we won't won't quit until we've saved Elder Ryan's privates! Let's Go!

Fade to Fateful Night in the Mission Office

08/11/2001 - from hillr@howrey.com

Scene: 62 year old ex-Elder Ryan is walking through the grave yard with his wife and children

Ryan: (turns abruptly off the path and walks briskly to a grave where he kneels and begins weeping softly. The headstone reads "Boyd K. Pecker, beloved Apostle etc." His wife approaches.) Marge, tell me that I am a good man...that I have lived a good life.

Marge: Fur gosh sakes Bob, do you have to make such a scene. After all, what you and Boyd K. did that night in Tahiti is long forgotten. Don't embarass me now.

Ryan: I just have to know that I have been good enough.

Marge: Heck no you haven't, Bob. Why do you think I went to Bishop West so often over the years?

Ryan: (looks up through tear stained eyes) What?

Marge: You think I could get by on getting it once a month missionary style from a little in-the-closet-did-it-with-an-apostle man like you? I'll tell ya what, Bishop West has more games than Parker Bros.

Ryan: (Truly confused and alarmed now) Oh, heck...Marge...no, fetch no...." (He falls back and the scene fades to that fateful night in the mission office.)


Comments About "Saving Elder Ryan's Privates"


07/10/2005 - mikeamaro - I'm a Mormon and I like testicles, This has helped me immensley to come to grips with myself. I thank all involved with this film!

06/15/2003 - anon - this is a big lot of filth, I mean I was just looking for a "I'm a mormon how may I help you" tee shirt for EFY and I stumbled on to this garbage! Your dragging me straight to HELL!! Anyway, I hope you are happy about what you've done to my spiritual perfection.

06/13/2001 - anon -Reading all of this website's false information makes me luagh and disapionted. When you go on your mission you know that the teachings are true, becuase you have a testimony of the church. Honestly, I believe that Brent is making up this story as being a missionary, I think that he is a false person who is trying as hard as he can to take people go furthur away from the church. Brent probably just sits at his computer downloading pornography all day long.

08/17/2000 - Richard Lionheart
Or maybe when Elder Elder is asked to sing a hymn, he could always sing "Come Come Ye Saints..." that seems rather appropriate.

07/16/2000 - Anonymous Coward
I am almost laughing too hard to type. I think the whole concept is hysterical. I'm going to have to have to think on this one for a while.

Seems that there ought be something about Elder Ryan's past. He must have had a lot of babes in his home ward, and some success as a football start. Perhaps he was good at the hoops, and did a lot of ball jiggling, I mean handling.

I wonder what would happen if ER were troubled with homosexual tendencies? Then, it would be Saving Elder Ryan's Companion. Well, better not go there?

How about if ER were raised in an orphanage? Then it would be Saving ER's kids? The possibilities are endless. I think the one with the tahitian babes was best.

I wonder what are the odds that ER might have had a woman back home -- some cute little thing that wrote to him every week like she ought to?

The possibilities are endless.

07/10/2000 - Brett J fisherman2000@yahoo.com
I don't think that your information is right. These movies "Orgasmo" and "Gods Army" should not be in the same catigory at all. Gods Army was an ethical and correct portrale of mssion field and missionaries. Were as "Orgasmo" is a sleezy parity of assumed ethics and of a culture you can not fully understand or appriciate, until you have lived it. I think that "Orgasmo" is a pimple on the butt cheek of the porno movie industry. Not even worthy of being sent to video casset. It should be burned so no one would have to suffer the painfull idiacey of this movie. And now this "Saving Elder Ryans Privates" is just another stupid parity that I would was a Fart on. So either find somthing worth making a movie about, I would suggest your spend you time investigationg the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to see just how much has to be sacrificed to go on a mission and how devoted the missionaries are.

10/03/2000 - Lorna
For God's sake,Brett J, lighten up. I can see it now, you could be the standin for Elder Ryan when he gets his undies bunched! With the Tahitians prancing around in their thongs (ie. butt floss) and giving the "boys" wedgies. Talk about tight underware being arousing!!!! Blatantly missing: Convenient "revelations" that all the hot sexy Tahitian mommas, both married and unmarried, pubescent and prepubescent, should take Elder Ryan in gloryorgyous holy matrimony. -No email, but my name is Lorna Snell, and I ain't ashamed. -Sacramento, CA.

04/01/2000 - Brent
Here's a true story from my own days as a Moron, excuse me, Mormon missionary which might be appropriate for saving Elder Ryan's privates.

Elder Theodore Burton, than an Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve was also President of the European Mission, and as such spoke to the missionaries in our mission, what was then called the Swiss Mission. During his talk he asked the lady missionaries to excuse him but he had to say a few words to just the elders and proceeded to tell us how to avoid the terrible sin of "self abuse", or whatever he called it -- as if females never engaged in such practices.

Anyway, he then proceeded to tell us that if we were ever tempted to do such a thing we should wear as many tight fitting clothes to bed as possible, preferably clothes that buttoned, in that if we were tempted by the time we got all of the clothing undone we would lose interest. If that didn't work we could get up and go to the kitchen for a snack to take our minds off the temptation with another sort of pleasure. (I've often wondered if this has anything to do with the fact that so many of the General Authorities seem to be heavy set.)

He then told us that in order to avoid temptation we should be careful about touching ourselves when we showered or bathed and if necessary to "drip dry" rather than using a towel to avoid stimulation and temptation. This was followed by the emphatic admonition, "And whatever you do, Brethren, never, ever look at yourselves in the mirror." I was a "greenie" -- in the mission field for only a couple of months or so -- and it was all I could do to keep from falling off my chair in laughter.

Even though this was almost 40 years ago I can still remember thinking, "I don't know what kind of weird fetish you have, Elder Burton, but I have never ever turned myself on looking at myself in the mirror." In addition, I had to wonder how Elder/President Burton had failed to realize that tight fitting clothing is much more likely to rub, cause friction, and stimulation than loose fitting clothes. Going to the kitchen for a snack was also rather ludicrous because in the Swiss Mission the vast majority of missionaries lived in rented rooms without access to a kitchen and even the few who had "kitchen privileges" didn't have them at night.

Of course some two and half years later when I was released from my mission I found out that President Burton's ideas were not original. Every missionary upon being released was given the pamphlet "Be Ye Therefore Clean" (something like that) by the late Mark E. Petersen. There in that pamphlet, practically word for word, was exactly the same "advice" given to us by President Burton.

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