My dear brethren gathered in the General Priesthood Session of Conference I feel moved upon by the Holy Ghost to address a most unseemly subject. As per official church policy we are directed to announce the names of brethren who are excommunicated from the Church.
Therefore, thus saith the Lord, "I am not well pleased in my servant Johnny Lingam who has poluted my doctrine of polygamy by trading in his eight wives for one cow. Yeah, even if that cow could jump over the moon and run away with the spoon, Brother's lingam shall be cut off."
Brethren, I believe the Lord has mis-spoke and meant to say, "Brother Lingam will be cut off."
(Booming voice from above the Conference Center) "Brother Boyd, thou shalt not correct the Lord thy God for I mean what I saith. Thou art the one who hath stirred up this contention by stimulating the brethren with your fixation on all mysteries sexual. Repent or you and your lingam shall be next."
"Yes sir my Lord!" Packer muttered under his breath beating a squirmy retreat to his seat. (Snickers and giggles from the General Authorities on the stand.)
The guy at the garment rental counter in the Hawaiian temple was not Johnny Jingle but Johnny Ka-Chingle, who was bilingual.
Johnny Jingle made extra money as a bell-ringer for the Salvation Army, until they caught him and threw him in the clinkle.
Johnny Lingo's eight-cow wife divorced him for having a flingo, so he moved to Los Angeles and became the stand-up comedian known as Johnny Badabing!o.
Later, he started a fancy drive-thru restaurant called Cuisine-Go and used the money to buy a lot of blingo ... which made him even more popular with the ladies, but he found they no longer made his ween go.
Eventually he decided to come out of the closet and penned a memoir entitled "I'm a Ten-Cow Queen, Bro."
I've heard .... - by Jackson
so many supposedly true accounts of Johnny's later life, including :
1. That he joined the Air Force and went to Iraq under the name Johnny Wingo.
2. That he made it into the Olympic discus team and competed in Beijing as Johnny Flingo.
3. That he made it to the final of American Idol as Johnny Singo.
4. That he made a hit movie about tricking bad guys out of a heap of money ...as Johnny Stingo.
Ah, phooey !!!
Yep, I've heard about his memoir and that Hollywood .... - by Okie
is negotiating to make a movie of same, with a production company called ' Exmo Homo '. The title will be 'I'm A Ten Cow Queen, Bro - Elder Lingo's Secret Mission ' Sorry, my mistake ; make that ' Elder Lingo's Mission Secret '
What was really tragic - by jacyn
After he became a gay fashion icon, he made a terrible faux pas that ruined his career, when during a big debut for new line of studded leather assless chaps, it became painfully obvious that a dryer softener sheet had stuck itself to his pants. Behind his back, the fashion snobs began snickering about Johnny Clingo. **sniff**
How embarrassingo! - by munchybotaz
That's why he didn't do the washable leather G-stringo.
No, no, no, he ended up in the porn industry... - by buck nakid
His porn name was Johnny U-in-go.
I believe it's called "too much of a good thingo." - by munchybotaz
The camera pans slowly across a peaceful scene of lush grass pasture, and eventually frames two cows - outstanding in their field, as usual. The camera begins a slow zoom in on the two bovine females.
After a few moments of obviously careful consideration, one of the cows glares jealously at the other cow, and then speaks, "OK, it may be true that you are Johnny Lingo's eight wife cow, but each and every one of the wives he traded for you was BUTT UGLY!"
Idea for the sequel by Baura
In the sequel Mahana's desires are awakened by Johnny's cousin Connie Lingus.
So in the Mor[m]on P.O.V. a woman...:
...ONLY has worth if she's not ugly (which sounds totally superficial to me),
...is ONLY worth what a man will pay for her (which sounds like slavery to me),
...ONLY has worth if she WILL work as her husband's slave (which sounds like she's bought into the patriarchal bullshit and has zero self-esteem to me).
Great family values there, guys! GREEEEEEEAT values! (...great, but ONLY for a pack of low-life misogynists.)
Nothing was any different about Mahana. She was treated like garbage in her father's house but Johnny treated her like she was the most wonderful, beautiful, and accomplished woman of all time. Isn't it only natural that she would respond with more warmth and confidence to such treatment?
What bothered me most was the notion that a woman should derive her sense of self-worth from the way MEN treated her. I kept asking the RS sisters about this and nobody seemed to understand what I was asking.
I had an Institute teacher point out that Mahna had been put down (abused) so she had no self worth. It was very wise for Johnny Lingo to take her away for a year. Away from all the negative feedback she'd had and reprogram her thinking. As soon as she was reprogramed into seeing herself as a beautiful woman, Johnny buys her a mirror. she is so happy she has him to thnak for her new happiness!!!
Awful. She actually could only be 'rescued' by a worthy man to be of worth. She could only be of worth if a man bestowed it on her. So he was a man who was shown to be smart because he could tell she was a really cool gal under all the abuse she'd had.
I remember in college I VT a girl who'd married an RM in the temple. She was so 'grateful' to him. He'd taught her how to walk, dress and be a lovely wife for him. She (in her own words) had been gangly and socially inept and backward, a real wall flower. He'd seen past all that and remade her and she was blissfully happy! He was in law school and it gave me the creeps. He got him a wife who would comply with everything HE wanted. She could only have an idenity if HE gave it to her. She had not developed an idenity at the time. I wonder how long it took her to wake up. I wonder if he dumped her with a nasty divorce and took up with another 'compliant' woman?
I can't imagine her still thinking to praise the ground he walks on, she wasn't that brainwashable! At least I hope not!! Maybe she just lives on prozac now. . . .
I remember watching that movie in YW, my friends and I would make so much fun of it (in private). It was insulting then and is more so now. I also remember one of the older girls wearing an 8 cow t-shirt and being embarrassed for her.
I guess I never focused too much on the "cow" thing...I just sort-of accepted that as this particular tribe's version of the old-fashioned dowry (or, compensating a family for the labor they'll lose by losing a daughter).
Beyond that, I used to stop the movie at certain parts, so we could talk. How was Mahana's father treating her? How did Mahana feel? Why was she hiding in the tree?
We discussed how treating someone mean and cruel hurt their feelings, and made them feel bad. We discussed how Mahana was convinced that she was ugly, and was embarassed to go out in front of people. She felt like she wasn't as good as everyone else.
(Remember, I'm talking to 5- and 6-year-olds, here...)
Then, we'd watch some more. How was Johnny treating Mahana? He paid the most cows ever--he was saying that she was more valuable than any other woman! How do you think that will make Mahana feel?
Then we watched some more. Look, Mahana is *still* upset, and trying to hide her face at her wedding feast. Why? Johnny has already told her she's beautiful. (We discussed how she didn't believe him, right away. Her father and the other people had been mean for so long that she didn't believe anyone who was nice and kind to her.)
Then we watched the rest.
Afterward, we talked about how Mahana looked after the honeymoon. Was she really different? Did she have a new face? Of course not; the only difference was how she felt about herself. She was positive, now, that she was worthwhile and "beautiful."
We also discussed how "beautiful" didn't have to mean that a person looked like a television star or a magazine cover. We discussed how everyone looked different, and that this was a good thing...
We ended up by talking about how you could make someone happy or unhappy, just by being nice or mean to them. YOU have the choice!
Afterward, when the kids were playing, when one of them teased or called names, another child would say, "Don't listen to him; he's just being Moki..."
I always thought there was a good lesson there. A lot to discuss and mull over...
I guess, if you think mostly about the cows and the "trading" of women, it is pretty lame--but "paying" for a wife, to compensate the family for the labor they'll lose by losing their daughter was not unheard of in times gone by, or in other cultures.
So, yeah, it was hokey, but I actually kind-of liked it... I still have a VHS copy of the old, original CES movie, somewhere. That's the one I used to show my kids.
Finally, a movie I can keep my early morning Seminary students awake with. Thank the Lord! - 04/16/2009 - Brother Klingon Skousen - Provo High Seminary Principal
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