American Prophet.

American Prophet

01/24/2007 - by Primus

Eloheim, Jesus and the Holy Ghost were sitting around in heaven one day watching the latest episode of American Idol.

"Through mine infinite wisdom, I forsee that Tiffany Banks will be the next winner of the contest. Her singing skills will be unmatched in this competition." Eloheim said.

"Usually I agree with you 100% of the time, but I would have to say I think Michael Coltraine will win the competition." Jesus said.

The Holy Ghost sat quietly contemplating, and then spoke up.

"Hey guys, as you know our LDS prophet is going to be dead here pretty soon."

"Yes, the GREAT I AM knows that!" Eloheim and Jesus said in unison.

"We'll Thomas S. Monson is supposed to be the next one, but I had an idea to make it more fun." The Holy Ghost said.

"Really?" Eloheim said before Jesus could respond.

"Why don't we hold a competition for the position?" The Holy Ghost said.

"Do you realize what you are saying? I already know who is going to be the prophet for the, basically forever. It would cause chaos!" Eloheim said.

"I agree." Jesus said.

"Brown-noser..." the Holy Ghost mumbled.

"Hey guys, I just had an idea!" Eloheim said suddenly.

"Yes?" Jesus responded.

"Why don't we choose the next prophet just like they are doing on American Idol?" Eloheim said.

"Great idea!" Jesus responded enthusiastically.

"But I just sugge.." The Holy Ghost started saying but was cut-off.

"Come Jesus. Let us go down."

"We will go down Father." Jesus said.

"Beverly, please mind the store while we're away. No playing pool with planets again though!" Eloheim said to the Holy Ghost. (revealing why we call him the Holy Ghost, and don't give him a name)

Eloheim and Jesus floated through space from Kolob at several times the speed of light.

"Father? Shouldn't we have a third judge?" Jesus said.

"Why? Don't you think we can handle it?" Eloheim asked.

"Well, sure. However, there are 3 judges on American Idol, so I thought we should have 3. Maybe Moses, or Adam?" Jesus suggested.

"When Eloheim speaks, the thinking is done. We will do fine."

"Also, why are we going to Earth so slowly. Could we just go at the speed of thought?" Jesus asked.

"But then we wouldn't enjoy the view." Eloheim said.

"At this speed YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE LIGHT!" Jesus fumed.

They approached Earth. Eloheim started moving towards the American continent towards the state of Illinois.

"Um, Father...they're in Utah now." Jesus said.


They floated down over the temple and by the Church Office Building of the Mormon (and only true and living) church.

"You know what that building reminds me of?" Jesus said.

"Yes. It was kind of a practical joke I inspired the architects with that design in a dream. I didn't think they would actually follow my prompting though.

Eloheim and Jesus apparated into the main conference room where the First Presidency and the Quorum of the 12 were currently arguing over what kind of grass to use in the landscaping of the new Spokane Washington Visitors Center.

"Uh..hi there." Eloheim said.

"Uuuurrrgggkkkkkkk....." Gordon B. Hinckley said as he died from shock.

Jesus glanced over at the dying Hinckley. "We'll I guess that takes care of part one. I thought we were going to let him live for a couple more weeks?"

"So did I...What the @$*@*!!" Eloheim cried as 3 church security goons jumped on him. He immediately got them off him by willing them to move away.

The group of prophets and apostles stared at the almighty in fear and trembling, well everyone except Boyd K. Packer.

"Do you have an appointment to see the 1st Presidency and the Quorum?" Boyd asked.

"I'm Eloheim. I can come and visit my church anytime I want."

"There is an unwritten order to things which says it's bad manners to visit without setting up an appointment first." Boyd said.

"OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT-UP!?" Eloheim waved his hand and Boyd's mouth disappeared.

"Peace be unto you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world..." Jesus started saying.

"Ah, Son, we don't have time for all the flowery language just now. We have to get to business." Eloheim said, putting his hands on Jesus's shoulders and inadvertently doing a garment check.

"Father!" Jesus shrugged and pulled away. "You know I am not well pleased when you do that."

"Okay. Now then," Eloheim turned on the brethern sitting in the room, "normally, Tommy Boy over there would just be placed in as the new prophet. However, we are going to do things differently. We aren't just going to let time in office or age decide who is going to lead my true church here on Earth. No siree! We are going to have a competition to see who can be the most prophetally. Whoever wins the competition will get a new car, and a 6 year contract with my person business, Eloheim Incorporated, to run this Church. At the end of which time, if they haven't screwed up to badly and been to thick head, I might let you come into the Celestial Kingdom to polish my shoes occasionally..."

"But Father, we don't wear shoes."

"Figure of speech Jesus. Now what will be neat about this, is that it will be open to ALL the members of my Church, whether they be active, or inactive, members or nonmembers, true believers or apostates!"

Monson and Packer were turning red with anger. Monson because he might not win the competition, and Packer from lack of oxygen. He had a cold. When Eloheim had sealed his lips, he couldn't get enough air. He passed out.

"Oh sorry about that," Eloheim said sheepishly. He waved his hand to clear Packers cold, but didn't give him his mouth back.

"We will start the competition first thing tomorrow morning." Eloheim scratched his nose, "Please make the arrangements. Also, do you guys know of any good restaurants around here that take American Express? I misplaced my Visa."


Eloheim couldn't sleep that night. He was so excited to see what kind of people he meet and judge! He hadn't been this excited and pumped for at least a million years. Being a God could be a miserable life at time. Eternal Happiness...right, whatever!

He switched from his white robes and changed into some green and orange Kakis. Yes, it might look awful, but he was God, who was going to complain?

He apparated into the room that had been set aside in the Church Office Building and looked around at the arrangements. He saw that Jesus hadn't arrived yet.

Folding chairs! They have given the Almighty folding chairs to sit in. They weren't even cushioned! He waved his hands and immediately replaced them with Craftmatic Adjustable Chairs. Ever since he had had an armwrestling match with Gidoheim one of this God brothers who currently controlled a parallel universe, his back had been bugging him. He knew he could easily heal himself, but the pain helped him to stay focused. One time when he was daydreaming he had accidently destroyed an Earthlike planet killing all his spirit children there and crowding the Celestial Kingdom with tons of babies that were supposed to grow up and be tested.

Jesus immediately appeared wearing his white robes and glowing like a strob light.

"Jesus Christ!" Eloheim swore. "Could you turn it down! Any contestants come in here and see you in all your glory are liable to melt into a pile of goo!"

"Sorry." Jesus immediately stopped glowing, now appearing more like a hippy from the 60s in a white dress.

"Don't tell me you're going to wear the robes?" Eloheim said looking over Jesus.

"I like the robes," Jesus said "I think they're stylish."

There was a knock at the door.

"Let him enter and his request shall be granted." Eloheim and Jesus said together.

A woman in her 30s opened the door.

"Ah, Camilla my child," Eloheim said, "I like what you did with your hair. You'll find yourself a husband yet, I promise."

"Um..ah, thanks...Father?" she nervously said, "we are ready to start sending the contestants in."

"Okay, send in the first one," Eloheim said. He leaned back in his recliner and pulled his feet up. Aww, now this was comfort. He would have to take one of these back to Kolob. In fact, he decided that his present to all his wives and brothers and sisters (which he wasn't married to of course) would be one of these chairs.

"Well Daniel C. Peterson, or Nimrod, your secret temple name.." Jesus started saying "Oh, now don't freak out. I was the one who said your temple name outloud, not you. You can stop the hysterics please. Peace be still."

"Okay, so it says here that you are a professor at Brigham Young University in Provo."

"Why are you reading from a clip-board? Shouldn't you know all this stuff already?" Peterson asked.

"WELL OF COURSE I DO, I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING! I put a veil of forgetfulness in my mind to make it more fair to everyone. I already know who will win the contest, but I wanted surprise myself with the outcome."

"Really?" Peterson asked nervously.

"Yes, and I already know that you lose!" Eloheim gestured.

Daniel C. Peterson got a surprised looked on his face and then blew up into millions of tiny peaces.

"Father! Don't you think that was a bit extreme?" Jesus asked.

"What?" Eloheim said shrugging.

"Blowing him to pieces. You could have just asked him some questions or told him no, and then send him on his way." Jesus said.

"Always have to be the mediator for the weakling eh Jesus?" Eloheim said sarcastically.

"Before the foundation of the world I was called to witness to the faithful and to be their redeemer and mediator. Ye, and.."

"Okay Okay! Enough already. I don't need the guilt trip." Eloheim waved his hand and Daniel C. Peterson appeared again. This time with hair, corrected vision, and a proper bodyweight for his height. "I hope your well pleased with yourself."

Eloheim straightened out his green and orange shirt and said. "Ah, no Daniel. You don't make it to Hollywood...NEXT"

Daniel C. Peterson walked out with a bitter sweet look. He was disappointed that he wouldn't be the next prophet, but he was consoled by the thought that he might be able to get some action now with some of the females at BYU.


"Our beloved Father who art sitting next to me. I pray that you will look with fondness upon these," Jesus motioned toward the crowd, "people who have come to try and be the next prophet of thine only true and liv..."

"Yes, fine. That's enough butt kissing for one day Jesus." Eloheim said motioning for Jesus to get off of his knees. He scanned the audience and then frowned.

"Where are the females?" Eloheim said.

"Females?" Jesus said questioning.

"Yeah, you know females. The ones that carry the children for 9 months in their wombs and develop milk in their breasts. Females!"

"Ummmm" Jesus stammered.

"And I don't see any children of Cain. Where are they?"

"Um, Father, Sir..." Boyd K. Packer said raising his hand.

"Didn't I tell him to shut-up?" Eloheim asked Jesus.

"I gave him his mouth back." Jesus said shrugging his shoulders.

"Why?" Eloheim asked.

"I needed to have someone give me directions to the restroom and he was the only one around. He's been following me like a puppy since I got here."

"Ah..Mr. God, Father, umm..." Boyd said still trying to get their attention.

Eloheim turned on him, "What?"

"African Americans didn't get the priesthood until 1978." Packer said timidly, which was an odd way for him to be.

"The didn't get the Priesthood until 1978? I gave them the Priesthood back in 1830 when I organized the Church with Joseph Smith. In fact there was a black member of the 70 in those days if I remember correctly, which I do of course."

"Of course." Jesus said in agreement.

"Well they didn't get the priesthood after Brigham Young become the president of the Church." Packer explained.

"Hey dad, isn't he the idiot that said Michael the Arch Angel was actually you! HAAA HAAAA" Jesus broke down laughing, tears coming from his eyes.

"Oh yeah, him! What did we do with him Jesus?" Eloheim asked, "Wait! Don't tell me I KNOW. We sent him over to spend the rest of eternity with your brother Lucifer."

"Lucifer?" Packer said gulping hard.

"Excuse me your Highness?" An administrative assistant walked in handing Eloheim a letter.

"Thank you Melissa. By the way, you might want to look into your bank account. I believe you will find that 100 dollars are missing. Your husband Gary has been seeing prostitutes." Eloheim said to the assistant.

"What!?" She screamed.

"If I were you, I would lose the bum. Oh, no harm in regards to your church status will come of it either...RIGHT GUYS" Eloheim looked around the room.

"RIGHT" The crowd answered back.

"And whoever is the Bishop of this fine woman Melissa here, will not ask any silly questions or pry into her life about the situation... RIGHT GUYS?"

"RIGHT" The crowd said.

"Now let's see what this letter says." God stuck the unopened letter to his forehead. "Oh, he has got to be kidding me?" Eloheim said starting to chuckle.

"Yeah Father, who does Thomas S. Monson think he's fooling around with calling us to a disciplinary council?"

They broke out laughing again.

"Oh, but seriously Jesus, we should get this show on the road." Eloheim placed a veil of forgetfulness into his mind and then sat down in his Kraftmatic Adjustable Chair. "Next please."

The room cleared out leaving one bald man with a slight grin.

"Name?" Eloheim said, not looking up.

"President Isaac Milton Rood."

Jesus hadn't quite gotten his veil of forgetfulness up yet.

"Oh Gawd..." Jesus muttered.

"Hmmmm?" Eloheim said still not looking up.


Eloheim looked up from his notes....

"Now it says here you have an interest in taxidermy?" Eloheim said.

"Yes, I like preserving dead things." President Rood said.

"How interesting." Eloheim said, "I have an interest in dead things too. I like bring them to life again and resurrecting them."

"I usually like them to stay dead, especially the females I dig from the cemetary."

"You are one sick and miserable soul do you know that?" Lightning burst forth from Jesus's hands removing the rest of President Roods hair.

"Wow, I haven't seen Jesus get so worked up about something since Michael blew up his first planet as a prank. I like you. I think I'll let you go on to the next round." Eloheim said.

"No!" Jesus said.

"It's is my will." Eloheim said.

"Thy will be done, and the glory (or agony)" Jesus thought, "be thine."

"I heard that Son."

President Rood walked out holding a golden ticket. Most of the other were staring in disbelief that Rood had made it past the first round.

"Next" Jesus said.

An older tall gentle man walked in carrying an felt board. He walked over to the wall and tacked it up using some tacks and then turned towards Eloheim and Jesus.

"Name please." Eloheim asked.

"My name is L. Tom Perry, currently a member of the Quorum of the Twelve apostles and I am going to..."

"Former member. I dissolved that organization to put everyone on an equal playing field. What does the L. stand for?"


"Ah, I can see why you use the middle name." Jesus said.

Perry started into a presentation using little felt pictures of people and dollars signs to demonstrate how he could increase the profitability of the Church. He also told some stories about his grandkids. Eloheim felt a nudge.

"Father wake up!" Jesus said.

"Oh was I sleeping?" Eloheim said sheepishly.

"I think it's a no." Jesus said.

"Why?" Perry asked.

"Well first of all you put my Father to sleep. He hasn't done that in centuries. You're really boring. 2nd, your going to be dead by the end of next year anyways."

"I will?" asked Perry.

"To much information Jesus." Eloheim said scolding Jesus.

Perry walked off with his head held low.


In walked another guy in his 60s with a moustashe.

"Name please." Jesus said.

"Why Jeesuuusss! I'm Ed Decker! Praise be to God!"

"No, I don't think so. You're already getting on my nerves." Eloheim said.

"Praise the LORD! Hallaluejah!" Ed Decker said.

"I would say it's a no too." Jesus said.

"THANK YOU JESUS!!!" Ed screamed.

"Didn't you even hear what we just said you moron? The answer was 2 nos."

"Oh...Well you can all just go to hell!" Decker screamed. "I'll be famous, one day!"

"Hell? Hmmm, I was thinking of a place to go on vacation in the near future. Thanks for the suggestion, but it's still a no." Eloheim said.

"Next" Jesus said while watching Decker turn back eerily reminding him of Lucifer in the temple film.

A blond gentleman in his 30s came in wearing a polo shirt, some Kaki Pants and some brown casual wear shoes.

"Name please?" Eloheim said.

"Father, don't you know who that is!?" Jesus said.

"No, I don't. Remember, I put a veil of forgetfulness on myself to make the contest fair?" Eloheim said.

"THAT'S TAL BACHMAN!!!" Jesus screamed. He stood up producing a notebook and a pen.

"Oh, isn't he the guy that sings about famous women from history?"

Jesus proffered the notepad to a startled Tal. "Can I have your autograph please?"

"Um...sure." Tal said writing his name on Jesus's tablet.

"I have all of your music in my collection, even 'Last Space Shuttle to Jupiter'"

"Last Space Shuttle to Jupiter?" Tal asked.

"Oh yeah, we're in 2007, you won't release that song for another 30 years."

"Again Jesus...TO MUCH INFORMATION." Eloheim said.

"Whoops. Um..I'd say it's a yes." Jesus said.

"I'll move you on to the next round too, with reservations..." Eloheim produced a golden ticket and handed it to Tal.

"But...but I didn't even know a contest was going on. I was just trying to find Greg Dodges office. Isn't this the 23rd Floor?" Tal asked.

"No, his office is on the 22nd floor." Eloheim said.

"Thanks." Tal said walking out.

"Hey, it could happen to anybody." Jesus said waving goodbye.


American Prophet, Everyone on their knees
American Prophet, Mantraís are his thing
Some come hanging around my door
Why donít you come and praise the Lord
Heís got very important things to do
Like telling you how to store your food
Now Prophet, letís praise him today
American Prophet, listen what he saysÖ

"Welcome to tonights episode of American Prophet, being broadcast live to all nations of the earth, and some other earthlike planets in the galaxy whether they like it or not. A special thanks goes out to Janice Kapp Perry for providing us our new them song." Lloyd Newell of Music and the Spoken Word said in his resonant monotone.


"Father! Wake up, the shows about to begin." Jesus could be heard say off mike, telling Eloheim to wake up.

"What, oh sorry. Everytime they go into that syrupy General Conference tone, I just can't stay awake."

"MMMmmm." Lloyd Newell cleared his throat and glared at Jesus and Eloheim.

Jesus made a silent 'sorry' with his mouth and motioned for Newell to continue.

"We have now reached the voting phase of the competition!" Lloyd Newell tried to say with some excitement. We have reached our final 12 contestants!!!"

Applause signs turned on indicating for the audience that had gathered in the conference center to clap. All the audience members looked in confusion at each other. You weren't supposed to clap, were you?

Lloyd Newell started slowly clapping and the congregation joined in.

"And here they are!"

Tal Bachman apparated in holding a bowl of corn flakes and a television remote.

"WTF!" Tal swore, and then immediately landed on his behind because the nice recliner he was sitting in at home was suddenly gone. He looked around in confusion at the crowd and shrieked. "Where the @$#$^ am I!"

A lady in the audience also shrieked and passed out.

"Peace be still Tal. You are in the final 12 to be the Prophet of the LDS Church." Jesus said

"But I don't wanna be in the final twelve." Tal protested.

"You have no choice." Jesus responded.

"But what about free agency?" Tal asked.

"What about it?" Jesus said and then produced a Lazy Boy recliner out of thin air for Tal to sit on.

"And next, but not least is President Isaac Milton Rood!" Lloyd Newell said with a flourish.

'BOOOOO' The audience said collectively and then started throwing whatever objects they could find at the stage.

"Ow!" cried Tal "Before you throw, learn to aim!!!"

A glass barrier was immediately erected around the stage to protect the participants from getting pegged.

"It appears my reputation has proceeded me!" President Rood sneered at the group and then took out a bag of eyeballs he had and started throwing them into his mouth.

"EWWWWWW!!!!" Tal, Lloyd, Jesus, Eloheim, and the entire audience said.

"What?" President Rood asked, "Oh sorry, I didn't bring enough for everyone." He placed the package back into his suit.

"Can we hurry this up Mr. Newell?" Eloheim asked.

"Okay. the next contestant is:

Bill Clinton (apparated in wearing a bathrobe and some loafers, in the process of removing them)

His mistress, Mrs. Sally Leming! (a female wearing a very slinky bikini appeared) The audience gasped, mothers and wives grabbing their children and husbands faces with their hands to cover their precious innocent eyes. Jesus motioned and she was wearing a very conservative Sunday dress that went down just above her ankles.

Boyd K. Packer (the apostle appeared and waved to the crowd. There were mixed boos along with cheers.)

Osama Bin Ladin? (Newell said this with a queezy look of revoltion as Bin Ladin appeared looking rather shocked and dirty. Tal, Bill Clinton, Boyd K. Packer and Sally Leming all jumped the surprised Bin Ladin. Tal hit him with a nice right hook to the jaw knocking some teeth out. Sally gave him a good kick with her high-heels. Bin Ladin feel to the floor as the group continued to dish out punishment to him. President Rood stayed sitting in his chair and muttered

"Everyones a critic."

"Okay everyone stop!!" Eloheim said, and then didn't do a thing to heal bin ladin. The contestants moved back to their chairs leaving him crumpled on the floor.

"And the next contestant is..." Lloyd Newell said with a flourish, "Mitt Romney!"

Cheers erupted from the audience. Mitt also looked confused, but immediately recovered an waved to the audience. He looked over and saw Osama Bin Ladin crumpled on the floor. He started running over to give him a good kick in the head, but was stopped by a force field. He kicked at at the field a couple more times.

MOVE THAT FIELD! MOVE THAT FIELD! The crowd started chanting.

"SILENCE!" Eloheim screamed in a godly manner starting an earthquake. Everyone got silent really fast.

"The Kratz Brothers of Zaboomafoo fame!" The 2 nature and animal lovers appeared in safari gear, one with binoculars stuck to his face.

"Thomas S. Monson" More cheering from the audience, though not quite as much as Mitt Romney had.

"Hillary Clinton!" Hillary appeared with a startled look on her face. Her hands were already in a fist swinging. She must have been in the Senate debating someone.

And finally.....

(Please Post who you choose to be the final candidate!)

"We will be back after these commercial messages" Lloyd Newell said and then walked over to get a drink of white wine that was supposed to be 'Sprite'.

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