Salamander Society Miscellaneous Mail

The comments thus far have a wide range of intensity from strongly opinionated to amused and/or enlightened, from condemning to congratulating. I'm not sure how the clairvoyant process works. However, the dialogue represented here was one that I stumbled upon in my recent search for a connection to and understanding of my past experience in leaving the Mormon Church. It's been 10 years. I'm now in a place of acceptance and enjoy an ever increasing sense of freedom. I connected with the aspect of exploration and a leap of faith, so to speak, to act upon what compells me to seek the divine (mystical) represented within this supposed communion.

Works of this nature oft produce an effect that opens and expands the mind resulting in a mental/emotional response change for some and a fierce contraversy for others. For some, it holds no significant meaning whatsoever. It's a journey and/or a revelation depending upon your present mental state for seekers effected by the type a! nd amount of energy such experiences generate. For doubters, it can be a painful eye opening experience, a stumbling block, or just plain foolishness. Reading this dialogue felt like the next natural step in my divine evolution. It is good Karma, I believe, and the energy I felt throughout the "conversation" fits the experience. I place no judgement on it whatsoever. It is what it is. It has to do with my own inner experience, and I will integrate that into my own personal psychological/emotional process. - 04/05/2005 - Gazelem

I laugh because it's true. I cry because it's true.- 09/19/2004- Victory & Freedom

Are you gay? Brent Sorenson - BYU-I student from Sutter County, California- 08/06/2004 Editor's Note: Well, no Brent. Sorry to break your heart.

I AM TOTALLY DECEIVED!: I just received my statue of the Hinkster today and was about to build him an altar! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! (Now I guess that I'll have to change it to Donny Osmond!)- pbujold1969- 08/01/2004

I'd like to complain about the number of bogus anti-Mormon spoofs you have here.

Firstly... Why *do* you alter the spelling of LDS mailers' postings? Is it just a coincidence that all the people who write to "Love Mail" have perfect English literacy, while even the intelligent responses here are doctored to make us look bad? (Editor's Note: Nobody's posts are doctored. They are posted as they are sent, spelling and grammar errors included. If the posts from those who have left the church or from never-mos are more eloquent and correctly spelled, we can't help that. A suggestion would be for the LDS who can't spell to spend less time in the temple and more time in night school. It's never too late to learn.)

Secondly, do you expect us to believe that all of the complaints here are real? Some obviously are, but some are too wacky to be real. I've lived amongst the Saints all my life, and I don't know anyone like that!

John 8:32 - "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

It is never too late to forgive, forget, and return. Everyone slips up some time or other. - Librarian - 07/26/2004

I was just wondering what on earth motivates you guys. I really dont like cup cakes, but i dont waste hours publishing a web site about it. -anon- 07/19/2004

Hi, I moved here to Provo, Utah 2 years ago and did not know much about the mormon or lds religion. But I have always trashed talked them. Just because it just seemed wack from the little I knew.

Like polygamy. I'm still studying and trying to find out the truth behind it, because it does fascinate me on how the church is growing. The thing I learned most about the mormons here in utah is that they like to ignore things a lot. They don't drink, have sex, curse,kill, steal, all the things that are on the biggie do not do list.

But they have huge problems on being humble, controlling anger, being fake not being genuine. Most the mormons i meet, (not jack mormons) they are like "wow, gee, i'm so darn sticken smart, and everyone is so darn lazy" And they want you to go out on a limb to try to believe their religion but they won't even try to see what other people have to say about their own religion. I do believe that God lets things happen on earth as they would.

If you jump off a bridge you will die type thing. Well since they are so strict on tithing and missionary. (They dont outright say you have to do it) But lets face it ... nobody likes you unless you do. So if every member pays tithing, of COURSE you'll have lots of money to build your temples. Its not a revelation given from Gordon B. Hinckley. Its what naturally happens.

Lets say you send out a bunch of missionaries. (And on the outside what they tell you is good. They talk about god, and jesus and salvation ... what every basic church teaches), of course the "investigator" would be drawn to that, because it is true about god and jesus and salvation. So then they will start to believe every other things you add in there. I believe what makes mormon religion so believable, is that they use the TRUTH and they add their own little beliefs to the truth. So the TRUTH covers the lies and imaginary things that were made up. This isn't LORD OF THE RINGS or HARRY POTTER.

It's your eternal life we are dealing with! SO YOU MORMONS OUT THERE, I SAY WITH LOVE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE at least go out and study what other people or so called Anti-mormons have to say. The educated (ones that have done some research) ones, not the ones that just hate mormons. Don't just do things because your family does it or they will hate you if you do it. -anon- 07/04/2004

I just want to say, why we are ripping the Mormons why not tell us what those real names where? Mine was Barnabus ( yeah! ). Do you fear they still might be right! I went to the temple with my wife and kids it was all we could do not to laugh our asses off. Those were rituals! I have seen them before. Jo Smith was a mason first, the hand shakes and temple rituals are a direct steal from masonic rites and pagan rites. Are you so stupid you cannot read a book! Here is the question, if the prophet is the only one to recieve these ordinances from god then why does every other religion have them? Oh and by the way Mary was not a virgin! That's right I said it! If god is a man he popped that cherry! No man would pass up the opportunity to have the unused umbrella. - 03/31/2004 - anon

Of course what's so interesting about all of this hate mail from mormons, is that they took the time to thoroughly puruse the site before rendering their judgements against it. Am I the only one who finds that a little odd? I mean, at the first sign of something offensive, wouldn't a true believing mormon click themselves out of here in the twinkling of an eye?

"Oh, ur site is so terrible and u guys are so mean and ur all going to hell. But hang on just a minute while I finish looking around at everything and then I'll finish telling u what dickheads u all are."

Oh that you tempt us with our own weakness. - 02/06/2004 - from TLC

I like this site... but!

I think the cartoon comparing Yasser Arafat with Gordon B. Hinckley is tasteless. It completely trivialises the intolerable conditions many Palestinians are forced to live under, overcrowded conditions, military attack, poverty, unemployment, demolition of homes etc

These are the conditions which breed extremism, not vice versa. - 01/16/2003 - anon

In a nutshell

11/02/2003 - by Howard Randle
Once upon a time there were two groups, the Filberts and the Hazels. The Filberts sent sixty thousand little Filberts into the world to try to convince the Hazels that God really wanted them to be Filberts. They went to small Hazels, large Hazels, and even old Hazels that had been Hazels all of their lives and wanted to die a Hazel.

The Filberts not only insisted that Hazels become Filberts but said God told them that all the Pecans, Brazils and even the Cocos should become Filberts, because God only spoke to the Filberts.

The Hazels did not like this one bit so they sent some Hazels to the main city of the Filberts carrying signs and yelling insults and telling the Filberts coming and going to the Big House of the Filberts that God likes the Hazels the best.

You know, I think that the Hazels and Filberts should take each other by the shells and give each other a big hug and a cheek kiss. They have much more in common than they think. After all, they are both nuts!


I believed that I was a prophet and stuff, until I took pills. I have schizophrenia. The real thing that gets me is that, out of necessity (i.e. sanity) I have to be skeptical of my own experiences. Yet, I am supposed to believe in these stories and speculations and church revelations and crap like that. But to think about it, it was entertaining. Some were scary when they happened, but thinking back, those hallucinations and delusions were pretty damn funny! Just like some of this church crap. Maybe ol' Joe was a schizo just like me! 1 out of every 100 people is! - 10/25/2003 - anon

Latter Day Tragedy It's sad how people hide in facades of religion. Asking men when God says "Okay, your forgiven". What man has the right to play them like puppets. To do all he says, and dare them to not LOVE it. It's a sick sad place in their shallow little minds. They think they are SAINTS yet only fault with others find. They fear their own mortality, And beg heaven let them in. They know they will never measure up, because every man has sin. And perfection is expected, the rules they never end. "Brothers and Sisters?? to them they say, " These rules, They DO NOT BEND!".

Well Mr. Bishop, whoever you are. I can tell you this out loud. God loves me just as much as you, So I call me as my Bishop now.

written with love by Erin Allen - 08/01/2003

Dear Lampoon, I have many LDS relatives. I am a catholic. This makes social situations uncomfortable because they don't even want to be a function where alcohol will be served. My husband's ex-girlfriend is a mormon. She has been a real pain over the years. Basically, I think Mormonism stinks. - 07/13/2003 - anon

As I came across your website through a search engine, I first assumed it was created by church members, but soon discovered otherwise upon closer inspection.

I am a 16 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and cannot believe that a person or group of people could find pleasure in bashing the beliefs that others hold closer to their hearts than all else.

I know that you are given the right to do so in this country, but I would ask you to please look at what you are doing to so many. No, I am not angry at you, but rather, I am saddened and I truly feel a sympathy for your views against the LDS church.

If by this point you have not deleted this message, I would just like to let you know that I have never found anything in my life that can give a person a greater feeling of overwhelming truth and love than the gospel of Jesus Christ. If I have ever had doubts about the veracity of church doctrine, I have invariably discovered the truth of what was taught, and have furthermore gained a deeper belief in what has been taught.

I am including my email address so that if you have the desire to contact me regarding your own reaction/opinions on what I have said, you may respond.

Thank you for your time. - 06/27/2003 - from
Editor's Reply: The Lampoon does not knowingly correspond via email with minors. Minors are referred to their parents regarding religious and personal issues.

Maybe you guys'll know. I have a friend who saw a "I 'heart' Mormon Pussy" bumper sticker. I have looked everywhere and can't find it. Please help - 11/08/2002 anon
Editor's Note: The Blue Botique 1080 E 2100 S Salt Lake City, UT 84106-2333 Phone: (801) 485-2072 Fax: (801) 463-7595 sells the t-shirt for $25.00 and the bumper sticker for $3.00

Why I am Anonymous. - 09/14/2001

Not a response to Tanner's Interview; A Response to an Important Question Raised in this Discussion.

The reason so many people are ANONYMOUS on this website is because the Mormon church scares the Shit out of them. Think about it.

Your damn Home Teachers are going out to try and reactivate people like me and they scare me to the point where I don't want anyone on a website to know who the hell I am. Do you think I feel loved and cherished to the point of wanting to give you 10% of my income?

As a Mormon you should have a better sense of your own history. Back when the mobs were killing Mormons in Missouri, this anonymous argument shoe was on the other foot. And your own prophets have foretold that those days will return. Look at the poor Jews who have had centuries of both prosperity and persecution. Do you think it won't happen again? Which side do you think the Mormons will be on the next go around?

The Mormons are extremely well organized and obedient to top down government. The Mormons take in 6 to 8 billion in tithing every year and their total assets are unknown but could be in the 100 billion range. They have an Army of 60,000 dedicated missionaries. They control much of the Intermountain West in one way or another. They have a violent controversial history that includes the biggest civilian massacre in American history before the Oklahoma Federal building bombing, you must have heard of the Mountain Meadows massacre? And they continue to lie and distort it to this very day. So don't tell me to get over it, its in the remote past. And they used to practice doctrines like blood atonement and castration as punishment for apostacy and adultry. Their degenerate splinter groups still preserve these embarassing relics. It has only been about 10 years since Mormons took the rehersal of your own execution as punishment for covenant violation out of the scared temple ceremony. They generate massive amounts of propaganda and excommunicate their own internal sources of honest constructive critism. This sounds more like a radical Middle Eastern or small Communist country than a persecuted American church to me.

What scares me more than anything else is my day to day encounters with Mormon arrogance, and the Mormon moral superiority complex. Like the comments above. My Bishop is this big overgrown convert who sells real estate and in my experience is about as thoughtful, honest and spiritual as a crocodile. He would no doubt kick my ass for this. My daily encounters convince me that Mormons would be very confortable with the likes of Adolf Hitler at their head. I believe it is only a matter of time until it actually happens.

For the time being, I don't want the Mormons persecuting my kids any more than they do now. I don't want them screwing with my business. And I don't want any more little "friendly" visits if some church web browser happens upon these comments and turns them over to the organization. I didn't choose to be born Mormon as far as I can remember. So leave me alone.

How would you like it if half the nation of Afganistan happened to find themselves growing poppies in Wyoming tomorrow and the Taliban deceided that they didn't like your opinions? You'd keep your damn trap shut too and restrict yourself to anonymous comments on the Internet. It takes a hell of a lot more courage than you might believe to do what Sandra and Jerald Tanner have done, even if they are wrong.

After wandering you fun site had a thought. Instead of crosswords you should have a "Seek and Find", (pun intended). - 04/25/2001 - Anonymous submission

Why not do a Church Handbook of Instruction for Masturbation. CHI (M). You could base it on the temple ceremony, with the Royal Paw of the Lion grip, etc. You could also do a video of questionable value: "Behind the Green Apron," which would demonstrate these techniques. The opening sequence: Attractive RM in Garmies, getting ready for temple work. Attractive RS members "accidentally" comes in as he is looking at the CHI (M). This is right out of Jane Austen, kinda. Attractive RS looks at CHI (M), and says "You know, you really need a helping hand for some of that stuff." RM "Oh?" RS "Yes, my late husband would need help with the Maxwell Variations." RM "Oh? What are the Maxwell Variations?" You take it from there. - 04/25/2001 - Anonymous submission
Editor's Note: To make this great idea even better, please complete the write up, submit it here and it will be posted in a strategic spot at The Lampoon.

10/19/2000 - anon
I have lived in Utah most of my 40+ years. I have lived in communities outside the state however and have found individuals from all kinds of backgrounds and faiths who share similar values to mine. I don't profess to be better than anyone else because of my faith, standards, values, or by where I live. I adhere to the Christian values I learned from family, as an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons), and through experience in the world among work associates, friends, acquaintances, etc. Despite that, I stuggled to support my family of seven on an income below the national average, and have been divorced. When it all boils down we are just people sharing time on earth with each other. High standards may be advocated by religion, ethics groups, governments, etc. but they are dictated by each of us as individuals. We each choose our life's course and what standards we will adhere to. I am grateful to know many from all over the country, even the world from varying backgrounds and religions who have inspired me to raise my individual standards.

Less that 50% of the population in Salt Lake County (the most populated region in Utah) belong to the Mormon church. The state and city governments are largely run by Mormons who draw from their experience and values influenced by their beliefs, however the Mormon Church does not run the government in Utah. It is run by people we vote into office because we trust their views on the issues and our sense of their values and how well they can represent ours, just like they do in any other state. There are Mormons in leadership of other state, municipal, and national government entities outside the state of Utah drawing on the same values they adhere to as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

My relationship with a nice Mormon girl that constantly looked for the worst in me and others ended and tore apart what meant the most to me, my family. I worry about the well-being of my five children and how the breakdown of their family will effect their lives now and in the future. However, I have married a fine woman who lives and loves according to a much better set of standards than I felt from my former wife. When I have opportunities to share our relationship with my children, they see the difference. I can be a more effective father if they can know who I am and what I believe to be good. They can see and feel that now. I say that just to prove that, though divorce may not be "right" it may be best in a situation like mine and, unfortunately there are others who have experienced what I have. We're all individuals, real people. I am comfortable and happy in Utah. I was happy in Washington State and Oregon. Minnesota is a great place to raise a family. I live in Utah because that's where my parents and family are. We Mormons aren't perfect. We're just trying to find fulfillment and happiness like a lot of other people all over the world. You'll find what we're looking for, whether it's good or bad, wherever you are. I choose to look for the good.

10/13/2000 - Thurber Mingus
Yes, hate mail rules! Well, maybe not, but you can imagine! The only thing on your site that I have looked at IS the hate mail, so I have yet to know what has offended so many. I am sure I too will be offended, but I believe everyone must live with the consequences of their decisions, so may there be mercy for you as well as me! Have a good day!

10/11/2000 - anon
Hey, did any of you rabble rousters and apostates catch the latest Priesthood session of General Conference? If not, you really missed it. J.Golden Hinckley told some pretty good ones, for a 90 year old.

10/10/2000 -
Morminism is a plague upon life. They have the stupidest rules in the universe. I live in a town in utah and as you may have guessed it I'm not a damn LDS! Mormons are too serious about the little stupid things in life like soda (which in recent studies has actually been proven to be better for you than milk, being as milk is all they drink) I don't hate all mormons, just the stupid self rigous ones that think that they are right and everyone else if completly full of shit. Many of my friends are of the mormon religion so I cannot say I hate them all. The Worst thing about LDS is that they won't leave you alone "come join us" it's almost like children of the corn.

09/30/2000 - anon
i fell for a member of this Mormon group and she left me because i would not convert. all your arguing is what i did with her type yet i had to give up as it was destrying both of us. i only hope that a greater power will open all these peoples eyes so the hurt and deception caused by this group can end.

09/12/2000 - R.T.P.

What is done here is a blasphemy of the thirteenth article of faith: a twisting of people's god-given rights to worship who, what, or where they may.

Nobody has any right to "take jabs at" anybody's worship of their personal savior or personal god. what point are the mormon's going to stop proselytizing that their church is "the one and only true church", and everybody else is full of shit?

'Cuz ya know, honeybuns, what goes around comes around!

09/08/2000 - anon
Response to those who think lampooners should "get a life."

I had a life and I spent twenty five of the supposed best years of it doing what the Prophet told me to do. Then I had a few minor negative experiences and found out about a few little lies and a few more and a few more, and pretty soon it all turned into an avalanche. I realized how absolutely empty and miserable my life had been all along, that the church had done so little to help me, and did not appreciate me and my heart and soul that I gave to it. It just kept mechanically sucking everything out of me. The only light in my life, dim though it may be, comes from stupid websites like this. But eventually I will get through this pain of post-cult deprogramming and move on to something else. Maybe something better. And I will ultimately loose the desire to visit here and you can all go back to sleep.

Don't you active Mormon do-gooders out there realize that behind the biting, vicious humor on this website is a river of pain? The Mormon church does hurt some people. Bad. Listen to their souls cry out in agony. Do you hurt them? Of course the Truth hurts. But when you sincerely become convinced, whether you are correct or not, that you believe in the Big Lie, it hurts so much!

Mormons (including Ex-mormons) need to apply more effort into real integrity, tolerance, honesty, and compassion; and a lot less effort into pretending, posturing, and manipulation.

09/07/2000 - anonymous with spell-checker
Um...must make just one teensy comment people here note how much "time we waste having this site" notice the length of the PRO-mormon sites? And doesn't take more than a minute or two to post a letter when you' like, able to TYPE more than two words a minute this is a waste of time, what the hell are you doing here in the first place??!

08/07/2000 - a former bishop
truth is based on reality. certitude is not a spiritual virtue, quite the opposite. spiritual people doubt. spiritually dulled people base truth on feelings. the mormons have perverted the whole concept.

08/01/2000 -
Wait. I just got something to say. I'm not Mormon, though I have a lot of respect for the religion just as I expect that people have respect for my religion: Wicca. I get told offensive jokes, and what not and I just laugh it off. Really it seems that all you mormons out there are just wasting your time. Why get so angry over this stuff? Really, come on now. I don't get mad when I am told I am going to Hell! I don't get mad reading that I am "a scum sucking shit bag" to quote one anti pagan site! So really, go spend YOUR energy somewhere else, where it will be far more productive. How about praying? Like maybe praying for tolerance? Hm...I do that all the time because if I didn't I would be just as cranky as everyone here. lol

06/20/2000 - an ex-Mormon Bishop
The church is a fraud.

Believing is not difficult, at all. The evidence against theBOM and Joseph Smith is staggering. They stress "feelings" to prevent members from opening their minds and reading. AlL fraudulent religions and movements have used that. The idea that it is a new concept is ludicrous. "Truth" based on feelings is an old old concept. It is difficult to face facts honestly, regardless of how one "feels". The church is a lie. A lie that is an inch deep and a mile wide.

I dare you to read the facts- ask a simple question: Why did Joseph Smith impregnate his follower's wives? Yes he did. It's in their own handwriting in their own journals. -a former Bishop who left after simply doing an honest study. not an adluterer, not ex'ed, not an alcoholic or coffee addict, not angry etc etc etc

05/03/2000 -
I would like to bare my testimony (this is where I start to cry), I know the Church is true, I love my Mom and Dad (tear...tear...tear), my brothers and sisters (Oh wait, I don't have any sisters.), sorry (Getting back in my robot mode), I know Joe Smith is a true prophet (Who can boast more than God). Amen.

05/02/2000 - anon
I got involved with a mormon once and I worked for a mormon for 18 years. Today I want absolutely nothing to do with these people. The mormons that I knew completely shut me out of their lives. It's great to hear from people who dislike them as much as I do.

03/01/2000 - anon
Truth is a very subjective term, to find truth you must open you mind. As a generalization most people are uncapable of this Especially ones who say that their religion is the only true religion....puhleeezzee look everyone is right in their own way they just choose to go about it differently. Mormons need to grow the hell up and open their minds. And quit being (a generalization) a bunch of nazi's


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