I cannot reveal my sources for the follow excerpts from the diary of Garloy P. Hendricks, (fictional) FARMS director.

Tuesday July 26, 2005

RS called late last night. Said he'd realized yet another amazing thing while re-reading the Book of Mormon – in the entire book, there's no love story. “Practically every novel in the world has some kind of love story”, he said. “But not only does the BOM have no love story, it only mentions three women by name – Isabel, a whore, Abish, a servant, and Sariah, a nag. What does that really say about Joseph Smith and his view of women?”. I knew just what he meant, so I blurted, “It means nothing about his view of women, because the evidence you've uncovered means – once again – that Joseph couldn't have written the BOM himself!”. RS was excited. “Exactly!”, he said. “Since practically every work of fiction has some allusion to love or romance in it, and the Book of Mormon doesn't, this is strong evidence that the BOM is -” - we both said it together - “NON-FICTION!”. It was a special moment. The BOM really is true!

All night my mind raced. What would the miserable antis say now? They, and all the other so-called English professors and linguists and mathematicians, laughed at our wordprint analyses, laughed like those in the great and spacious building who mocked the things of God - but who would be laughing now? RS's discovery was a slamdunk. The chiasmus, the wordprint results, the fact that the New World actually DID have people on it when Columbus arrived just like the BOM predicted, and now this, the very, very telling absence of a love story, and the portrayal of women as whores, servants, and nags. It all adds up to only one conclusion – we're right, the BOM was NOT written in the 19th century. I am so grateful I was born a member of this, the only true religion in the whole world.

Wednesday July 27, 2005

Katie came home early from school, sick. She spent the day laying on the couch in my office while I worked on the Adam God paper. She asked me what I was working on, so I told her. She seemed concerned. “How could Brigham Young have gotten mixed up?”, she said. “Because he was a man, and he made mistakes just like everyone”. “Yeah, but you just said that he said those things in his capacity as a prophet, even in the temple....”.

I tried to explain to her that a prophet was only speaking as a prophet when he was speaking as a prophet, not when he wasn't speaking as a prophet. She said, “But if Brigham Young saying he's speaking as a prophet in the temple isn't him 'speaking as a prophet', what is?”. I told her it depends. “Depends on what?”, she said. “Depends on a lot of things”. I gave her quite a few examples of when prophets weren't speaking as prophets. She seemed confused (she's a sweet girl, but not really that intellectual), so finally I just gave her a hug and said, with all the sincerity I could muster, “Katie, listen...don't get bogged down by these details...I just want you to know that I know the church is true. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet. I know the Book of Mormon is true. And if you read it and pray about it, you will know, too”.

Even though I don't think she quite grasped the principles I was trying to teach her, I feel certain the Holy Ghost touched her as I was bearing my testimony. It can zap people like a Tazer, immediately impart knowledge, so I'm not worried.

MarJean made a large tub of macaroni salad again for dinner – my favorite! She used Hellman's this time like I asked, like she used to when we first got married, not that lousy diet Kraft stuff. I'm lucky to have her.

Thursday July 28, 2005

Kurt came in after school today asking about Adam God. Said Katie told him “Dad's working on something freaky”. I told him I appreciated his inquisitive mind. I told him what I told Katie. Said he wanted to read my paper when it was done. I'm excited – this is the first time they've ever shown interest in something I was writing. I have a feeling that after they read it, they'll realize that Dad knows a thing or two after all!

Most important thing though was that DHO called. Said a few of the other apostles (probably The Grizzly Bear again) expressed “concern” over the “tenor” and “content” of a few recent pieces we put out. I told him we had just as much right to use insulting, sarcastic language as our enemies did. He said some of the apostles didn't see it that way. Unbelievable. Especially given the GBear's weird anger management problem. Who's he to talk? DHO also mentioned Faust was concerned over our new “Three Cumorahs” theory. Seems JEF had a hard time even with the Two Cumorahs thing, and now this latest one has put him over the edge. DHO said it was best to tell Sorenson to cool it for awhile, said “we're not that desperate yet”. “Desperate”? I hope he was joking, though I don't see anything funny in this remark at all. Sometimes it seems like not even the apostles realize how handily we are winning the war against the forces of the adversary!

Friday July 29, 2005

Dirk Dingleman shooting his mouth off again on the Cult Recuperation Board (CRB). What's he ever done? Once he sang on a Dentyne commercial, and now he thinks he's an expert on Mormonism? Where's his Ph.D? Where's his anything? Where are his articles for academic journals? This latest rant of his was about Joseph not telling the truth. (These people get so on their high horses...). Doesn't DD understand that Joseph lying to hide and facilitate the holy doctrine of plural marriage, is morally equivalent to Jews lying to escape Nazi concentration camps? If Joseph had told the truth, he might have been killed, too, so very clearly there's no difference there. It's like the antis are so blinded by their own pride and anger that they just can't see what's staring them right in the face. I guess that's what happens when you lose the Holy Ghost. May I always to live so as to keep enjoying his mind-enlightening influence...

By the way, if all those hotshots over on CRB are so sure of themselves, why don't they debate us? Instead, they just pretty much ignore us or make fun of us, just like all the other so-called “scholars” out there in academia. They say they don't bother discussing things with us because it's “totally pointless” (as though WE had the problem!), but I think we all know the real reason – fear. They know they could not withstand an encounter with us. They know their desperate wish that the church not be true would be dashed. I'd have more respect for them if they would just admit that. Instead, they just hide behind claims of “recuperation” and “pointlessness” and things. Pathetic.

Am almost finished the Adam God paper. I'm either going to call it, “Adam God: Another (Non-)Problem We Solved Long Ago”, or “The Mystery of Adam God”, depending on whether I take the “there's no problem here” approach, or the “we can't in the end know exactly what BY meant by this/mysterious” approach for the conclusion part. The only thing I'm settled on right now is that Adam God says absolutely nothing about whether Mormonism is the world's only true religion. It's simply not essential to our salvation. It's not essential to our salvation. It's not essential to our salvation.

Saturday July 30, 2005

Took Kurt to soccer, then spent afternoon in office posting on the “Let's Just Keep This Thing Going” bulletin board. Got into a very long discussion with someone named “jahrule” about whether the church could be a fraud. Obviously that is not possible, and I told him so. In fact I think I really made mincemeat out of him. He kept saying, “How could it not be possible?”. And I kept saying, “Because it's not” (ha – talk about going down in flames!). Of course I elaborated on that, but at bottom, my line of reasoning went like this: “it's not possible”. I think his inability to dismantle said line of reasoning says a lot about the weakness of the anti-Mormon position...

MarJean tonight made pork chops slathered with cream of mushroom soup, dessert was green jello with shredded carrots AND canned pear slices inside, with mini-marshmallows on top (Wow!). After dinner watched “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” again with MarJean. Invited Katie to watch and she just said “no thanks, the first hundred times I saw it were enough”. Sometimes I wonder about her.

Heard from Kristopher today. Says all is well with classes, enjoying well enough his church history class with Bro. Langour. Said he wants to talk to me about a few things when I have a moment. Looking forward to it.

MarJean mentioned the snoring thing again tonight. I said, “How am I supposed to stop when I'm asleep and don't even know I'm doing it?”. Said she's having a tough time sleeping. Funny she doesn't want to wear ear plugs then. Why won't she? I love her, but sometimes she reminds me of of the leprous Israelites who wouldn't look at the brass serpent to get healed.

Sunday July 31, 2005

Went to church. It's nice being a bishopric counselor, not too much pressure. One talk on tithing, another one on testimony, nothing unusual.

I guess one thing I can give the antis is that the three hour block idea is too long. I'd love to float my “power block” idea to RMN, but he doesn't ask my opinion about this stuff. My idea is a 35 minute sacrament, 7 minute switch, 30 minute EQ/RS, 7 minute switch, 30 minute Sunday School. Even if you added an extra five minutes on to each block, it would still be better than it is now.

It's really going to be something when Kristopher puts in his papers. He really wants to learn Chinese so we'll see. He'll be a great missionary anywhere he goes. He is very well prepared. He might even have the special qualities needed for being a professional church defender – he has a superior intellect, a superior ability to obey, a superior understanding of how wicked, and even mentally ill, the antis are, a superior grasp of the English language. In a word, he's a superior human being. I know the other fellows at work like him a lot.

I love my job, even though it is taxing sometimes. I often feel like Sisyphus, rolling a stone upwards towards our enemies, who always just throw it back down again. How many times do we have to answer the same concerns over and over again? Forever, I suppose. We add two plus two, show the world the correct answer, and yet hardly anyone seems to care, if they even notice. Course, Ritner noticed, but that doesn't count, because I already know he only wrote that article because he doesn't like Gee personally. I don't even need to read it, I already know it's hogwash. Another secular anti-Mormon. The world is indeed ripening in iniquity. It is clear to me that Christ will return very, very shortly. Then we'll see what the antis say...

Note to self: Find out tomorrow AM about gym club membership. How much $$? Do they have private training? Is there a men only gym? (How could I ever give up MarJean's chocolate peanut butter coconut wafers?).

Monday August 1, 2005

No male only gym clubs in Utah County. Can't a guy get some privacy anymore? There are lots of all-girl workout places out there – what about one for guys? I've got some pounds to lose and I don't really fancy jumping up and down with a skipping rope sweating like like a pig in front of a bunch of blow-dried ab-crunching pilate bimbos. Maybe I can get in to the gym at the univ. in off-hours. Remember to ask J., who's son works there.

Spent six straight hours on the LJKTTG board. Got into a debate with a fifteen year old girl ("daisygirl90") about whether it was fair for the prophet to regulate earring wear (I took the affirmative, she the negative). I think it was very clear to everyone that I won.

Tuesday Aug 2, 2005

Finally finished the Adam God thing. I'm so sick of dealing with this non-issue I hope I never have to again (but not my will, but thine, Lord. Fortunately, though, I think I've put this one to bed once and for all). I ended up calling it “If the Fig Leaf Apron Does Not Fit, You Must Aquit (Brigham Young): Adam is Not God and Never Has Been”. (I know it's a bit cumbersome but I think it's pretty darn clever). Here is an excerpt (footnotes in parentheses):

“It may possibly seem inexplicable to numerous enlightened observers (1) that so numerous a number of members and investigators of the church continue to stagger (2) on what is in a crucial sense a non-obstacle in terms of maintaining a healthy faith (3) in the truth of Mormonism with respect to the doctrine of the Godhead (4) as it has been preached by Mormon prophets and apostles (5) from the founding of the church until the present (6) and presumably will be preached far into the future (7). Once this non-issue is viewed by viewers with an unobstructed view (8), the anti-Mormon tendency to dredge up 150 year old quotes which may or may not have been recorded accurately by stenographers (9) about whose reliability we now have little or no information reveals itself to be nothing less than an anti-Mormon tendency to dredge up 150 year old quotes (10) for the express purpose of calling into question the veracity of Mormonism and the authority of the priesthood (11). It therefore need not be said (but I will say it anyway) that the fact of anti-Mormon sponsorship (12) is all that the wondering Mormon has to bear in mind while contemplating a non-issue which in effect has been drummed up ex nihilo (13) in order to create doubt where none need exist by virtue of the powerful influence of the Holy Ghost (14), which if sought with “pure heart”(15) will not hestitate to make the truth of Mormonism manifest to all those with a sincere heart, a non-issue which, even if it did existent and hence qualify as an “issue”, the essential fact about which, would that it would still be entirely irrelevant to our salvation (15) and therefore cause for nothing less than sheer indifference or perhaps mild amusement but nothing more (16).

“The only relevant fact here is that the vast overwhelmingly majority of Mormons have never believed Adam is God (17), and all deceitful insinuations to the contrary by the anti-Mormons are the inevitable if lamentable result of either a willful blindness (18), or the conscious malice (19) of those who have nothing better to do with their lives than to try to tear down, like Shakespeare's Coriolanus and his soldiers did the walls of Rome (20), the sincere and devout religious faith of others (notwithstanding the fact they have nothing better to replace it with) (21), just as those who would embrace the arm of the flesh over the wisdom of God (22) have always done, and undoubtedly will always do.”

I think I really hit the nail on the head this time. The fellows at the office said they thought it was, quote, “FANTASTIC”. I also think my piece will answer whatever questions the kids have on this. One thing is, I'd really like to see the antis try to tackle this one. Ha. All they'll probably do is make fun of it again. That'll speak volumes (about their fear, that is).

Wednesday August 3, 2005

I cannot believe the vile descriptions of Mormon belief spun out by that Bill FitzHugh guy on the CRB. How off base can he get? He sounds like some demonic automaton being dictated to by Satan himself. I'm happy, MarJean's happy, everybody's happy, what's the problem? You'd think, reading BF's interminable and unremittingly critical pieces, that the church was some kind of Moonie-esque cult and that the fact we feel happy had no bearing on that claim at all. Amazing how lost these people are. I mean, how many Ph.D's belong to a cult? That right there shows there's no way Mormonism could be a cult. It's a closed case. Another thing - it doesn't seem to have occurred to all the suck-ups over there that FitzHugh's only a tax lawyer – how does being a lawyer make you an expert on Mormon issues?

Speaking of lawyers, John Welch has just turned in his latest piece on BOM chiasmus, and once again, it is brilliant! His insights are very, very important. His article is about something he calls “Cross Chiasmus”, where he looks at one passage from the BOM and then another one from the Bible, and then when you lay the passages out, they match incredibly - clearly this means there is a Semitic source language for much of the text of both - another blow to the antis. Anyway, I can't really do the piece justice here. I should get his corrected copy in a few days and then I'll put in a few excerpts.

Long story short is, I totally believe in what he's found. Once again we see that there is just no way anyone without formal education could have written the BOM. (I mean, not including all the men who actually wrote it, like Alma, Nephi, Moroni, etc., who didn't have formal education). I just meant that Joseph could not have written it, since he didn't have any formal education. (Obviously BOM prophets could have, since I already know they did. Anyway, you know what I mean). We will be featuring Welch's important, forthcoming piece in our likewise important, forthcoming journal issue.

Thursday August 4, 2005

Boring day saved by MarJean's Tuna Celery Cheetoh Casserole! I'm so glad I didn't marry someone like G's wife. Her cooking is awful....

Spent four hours on the LJKTTG board today, most of the time debating some Navajo kid ("jim") who seems to have no idea that I and my colleagues have decisively established that "the jury's still out" on whether Native Americans are lost Jews, or even whether that was ever a Mormon canonical claim. He also seemed to put on a big show about being "offended" (hey - who isn't these days?) by what he termed "Mormon racism". Heavens, what WOULD these people complain about if the church didn't exist?

Friday August 5, 2005

Tough day today. Got a call from PM, one of my high school buddies. Great guy. PhD. (physics – Berkley), worked for CES (Church Education System) before he went back to grad school. He’s been teaching (mostly researching) at Yale for the last five years. We chat every few months.

His third son just turned 20. The first two didn’t go on missions, and when I asked when this boy was putting his papers in, PM told me he was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be doing that. I empathized with him – the younger generation is struggling and that’s why the Brethren are raising the bar – and then he floored me by saying that he supported his son’s decision. And at that, the dam burst.

PM has apostatized!! I’ve seen lots of others go down this road, but PM!! He was one of the elect, no question about it. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

He didn’t say that he has apostatized, but that’s the fact. He says he’s still going to church for Althea’s sake, but he stopped paying tithing, won’t accept callings, and believes that the Book of Mormon has some metaphoric value and no more than that. And worst of all, he said that Mormon prophets are a source of anti-wisdom!! He sounded like Korihor on the phone – spouting science and philosophy like those ignorant pigs at CRB. But this was PM talking!! It made my skin crawl.

PM even said he’s been emailing with an idiot named Fiddle, a CRB hack who teaches at Stanford and published on the Internet (no self respecting journal would accept his garbage) a pathetic piece that regurgitated the Spaulding theory. Why a bio-tech professor thinks he can dabble with religious studies and history and do anything other than make a fool of himself is beyond me. I am embarrassed for him, and was stunned when PM said he thought Fiddle’s ideas had a lot of merit, and was looking forward to seeing the stuff he is working on now that uses computer programs designed to sort out how epidemics get started and evolve (or something like that) to find word usage patterns that Spaulding and Rigdon’s writings share with the Book of Mormon, D&C, etc. Sigh. The wordprint studies showed years ago that Spaulding and Ridgon had nothing to do with the Book of Mormon. Epidemiology? Give me a break. What will these blinded fools come up with next?

This is what happens when scientists get too full of themselves. History is littered with examples of hotshots who discover a few things, become prideful and the reject God’s wisdom. The prophets have always warned of this. And the worst part is that a lot of people respect academic credentials like those Fiddle and PM have. Just because you teach at a big-name university doesn’t mean you know anything about religion. In fact, it usually means that you know nothing about religion. That is the only way to explain the fact that a genius like Nibley was ignored by the academic world. The wisdom of men is foolishness to God, and vice versa.

I had this in mind when I told PM that I respected his right to decide for himself – we all have our free agency – but warned him not to become responsible for the decisions others make by influencing them. People like Fiddle have especially uncomfortable places reserved from them after the judgement day. What goes up must come down. Each action produces a reaction. Etc. Scientists should understand that if nothing else.

And, where much is given, much is expected. Fiddle and PM were given great gifts, and look how they are using them! I pray that PM does not follow Fiddle’s example. He refused to make any promises when I pressed him on this point. I will continue to exercise my love and faith in his behalf.

I don’t know how long it will take me to digest this. PM has fallen for the intellectual lie, the Old Deceiver’s most potent weapon these days. And the Internet was a big part to this. He admitted that . Another classic example of a powerful tool being used for evil purposes. The Internet allows both good and bad to congregate. In PM’s case, all this means is that foolishness reached critical mass. Once you get enough people who have lost the faith together in one place – whether in person or over the Internet makes no difference – they will support each other in their lack of faith and become bold enough to proclaim their ignorance. When I think of checking out CRB someday and finding PM running down the his ancestors most sacred beliefs and rituals, it makes me want to vomit.

What this experience proves most of all is that no one is safe and we should all stay away from those toxic influences. I thank God that I have been able to swim daily in the intellectual cess pool and keep my faith. In fact, this seems to make me stronger. That seems to be my gift – my light – and I will not hide it under a bushel! So many people depend on my faith and example to keep their own faith. But I will talk to Marjean and the kids about this. There is no reason for them to mess with this stuff.

When I gently reminded PM about Korihor and how easy it is to become prideful and be deceived by Satan, he LAUGHED!! HE LAUGHED AT ME!!! He apologized for that and told me that he valued my friendship and didn’t want to offend me, and that is why he’s avoided talking about church stuff with me for the past several years. But he said that when he thinks about how he used to believe, he can either laugh or cry and since laughing is better for him, that is what he does. He said he was laughing at himself, but I know better. He was laughing at his old beliefs – my most sacred and precious beliefs. This hurts unbelievably.

PM also hinted that a number of our mutual friends are in positions similar to his, but don't want to talk to me about it. I refuse to believe that. PM is probably just trying to rationalize his decision. Misery loves company. That is one of the reasons why apostates recruit as they do. I can think of a few people who are so polite that they would not want to take PM on, and so could leave him with the impression that they sympathize with him. He's just trying to make himself feel better.

PM’s problems have been brewing for a long time. None of his kids have gone on missions, no doubt in large measure because of his example. That will weigh around his neck like a millstone on judgement day.

I wasn’t going to tell Marjean about this, but I couldn’t hold it in. I went home early and we talked and cried in each other’s arms for a couple of hours. The thought of two more loved ones – PM and Althea – who we likely won’t see in the Celestial Kingdom cuts deep. And Marjean really cried when I told her about how PM was responsible for his sons’ falling away. She started to say something about Kristopher, but we were both so emotional by then that we couldn’t talk any more. I am so grateful for my children’s eye of faith.

Marjean was too exhausted to cook, so we hit the King’s Table for a quick buffet. They lay out a fine spread and I indulged a little more than I should have, likely because of how stressful the day had been. The deserts were especially tasty, and since it was all you can eat, the meal turned into one of those “got to undo the pants” experiences. I’ll make up for that when I start working out. The doctor said just the other day that my cholesterol is getting up there.

It has been about – let’s see … – six years since Marjean and I have eaten out. It was a shock to see how many people right here in the heart of Zion drink alcohol with their meals. That’s sad. 98% Mormon right here beside BYU and a bunch in that restaurant had glasses of wine beside their plates. But it’s a fact that good Mormon’s don’t eat out much. Waste not, want not.

One couple were particularly pathetic. Looked like serious athletes. They were eating salads of some kind, with wine on the side, and laughing away. Light minded in the extreme. They obviously thought they were having a good time while polluting their bodies. I was going to say something, but Marjean gave me her look. We’d had enough stress for one day anyway, so I bit my tongue.

I will put this behind me. And while I’ll try to stay in touch with PM, that is likely not going to work. Now that I know where he stands, as hard as this is to admit to myself, I know that he is with the adversary. I am honor bound to limit his influence.

My only comfort at times like this is that God will not test me beyond my capacity, and that if I endure faithful to the end, my reward will be greater than it is possible to comprehend. I must endure. So many depend on my faith.

Saturday August 6, 2006

I started to write more about PM, and stopped myself. “I Am a Child of God” saved me as it has so often. Whenever I hear that hymn playing in the back of my mind, I know that a dangerous thought is somewhere on stage. The more I thought about PM, the louder the lyrics got. This is a clear sign that thinking about PM will do me no good, and so I am done with that.

Today was a great day. Met with ZZ. He is not around as much as he used to be, but what faith; what a mind. Talked about RB’s new book. That is ruffling some feathers. The Brethren are all smiles in public, but a few have been hard to control. GB in particular. That book has brought a flood of letters and calls from Stake Presidents and members to the Brethren and us. And the word has been passed around in the clearest terms. Our position is to be always the same – while one can never be certain about history, RB’s story is likely to be accurate, but this is no big deal because Joseph’s story has been out there forever. The Church has never suppressed it or denied it. Anyone who wanted to read about it was free to do so. So what’s the big fuss now?

That brings me to the brother who called today. A Stake President referred him to me for counselling. This guy is a lawyer, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he was so obtuse – those people tend to be so linear in their thinking that unless something adds mathematically they can’t understand it. Even the GAs who are lawyers tend to be hard to deal with.

Anyway, I walked him through the standard position and he blew a gasket. He ranted on and on about how he had been told not to read anything that questioned the Church’s leaders and so he hadn’t and now his marriage is falling apart, his kids think he is a fool, bla bla bla. I really felt sorry for the guy, and told him that he can get back on top of things but he has to stop looking for simple answers to life’s most important questions. And then I had a minor revelation. I can’t count the number of times God has blessed me like this. Since this is so important, and sacred, I am going to record it in some detail here.

God commanded Adam and Eve not to partake of the forbidden fruit – knowledge. However, God’s plan depended on them breaking His commandment. The very knowledge he commanded them not to receive is what enabled Adam and Eve to become fully accountable – to become adult. But did God ever tell Adam and Eve to disobey him? No. He waited until their agency naturally developed to the point at which they felt compelled to disobey Him. This is a deep mystery and wisdom: It was only through a degree of disobedience that they obtained knowledge, which is power, and entered the path toward godhood.

I am going into uncharted waters now. But I feel that I should record how the Spirit whispers to me that there were lots of proto-humans on Earth at the time Adam and Eve did this. Evolutionary biology is pretty clear on this point. However, Adam and Eve were the humans chosen by God, through their initial disobedience and later obedience, to become the parents of all of mankind. And could God not use a genetic mutation to do this (bring godlike knowledge to Adam and Eve)? And God caused this sacred event to be recorded in metaphoric language that contains the kind of deep truth we need to guide us through today’s trials. This new insight makes me want to dance!

So here is the key concept – the greater the knowledge received, the greater the degree of obedience is required. That is what Adam and Eve demonstrated. They received sacred knowledge that enabled them to disobey, and after initial sin the chose to obey instead of blindly following as little children do. Having the knowledge and power to disobey, they chose not to do so. And that is a test for many wonderful members of the Church right now. They are receiving greater knowledge about the beginnings of their faith. This will test and purify them. And the Saints will be winnowed as a result. The weak will be blown away, leaving only the purest, largest grains behind. And how great will be their joy with the Lord of the Harvest when He comes to claim his own!

I wept as these insights swept over me. God’s witness was as strong as I have ever felt it. I could barely contain myself as I shared a little of this with that lawyer with whom I was speaking as these truths opened up to me. But I could tell that I would be casting my pearls before swine had I opened up to him. His heart was hard. So I kept most of what the Spirit had told me to myself. I will share this sparingly. I don’t know many who could bear this revelation.

So, the prophetic command to stay away from faith threatening information is designed for children, regardless of how old they are. It is designed for those who are too immature to handle reality. And so as we mature, we are expected to break this commandment just as Adam and Eve broke God's initial commandment to them. Those who seek "forbidden" knowledge and continue to obey are God's elect.

Since my teens I have been reading anti-Mormon literature. It never bothered me. As my patriarchal blessing says, I was “called to the Lord’s high places from my youth”. But many people – like this lawyer – manage to get through who knows how many years of university while still blindly obeying like little children. And now, a lot of information has stampeded into his life and trampled him. I feel sorry for him. But as I was explaining to him when he slammed down the phone, this is his Abrahamic test. And God has without question reserved a special reward for people like him who are tested in this way and remain faithful. I pray for his strength.

We live in such a wonderful age; an age to severely try the faith of all. I feel blessed that God reserved me to come forth in this time to fight on His side in this final, great battle. As time passes and I become more aware of how high the stakes are and how few laborers are likely to be left in the vineyard as the end approaches, I feel more fortunate still.

Anyway, I should finish what ZZ told me and then its time to hit the sack. Both ZZ and I think GB is biding his time. That is why he is so much better at holding his temper these days. For years, I ducked into any office I could when I heard his step or voice coming down the hall.

Now its almost his turn. That scares me a bit. He doesn’t have the faith I do that the truth will win out. As Joseph said, “The truth will cut its own way.” It doesn’t need me or anyone else to do its job. But GB seems to think that the truth is better off if no one is trying to find it or questioning it. I can understand that in some ways, but it makes no sense to allow fools all over the world to attack us while we sit by helpless as deaf mutes. ZZ reminded me that a lot of people were terrified when it became clear the ETB was going to be the Prophet, and I have to agree that a lot of his pre-Prophetic positions were from the lunatic fringe. The John Birch Society and NRA? Come on! But the Lord tempered ETB marvellously when the Prophet’s mantle fell on his shoulders.

ZZ told me that some ignorant young professor at BYU said in private recently that it was not the Lord tempering ETB but him getting sick that saved the Church from disaster while he was Prophet. Whether that was the method the Lord used or not is beside the point. ZZ refused to give me the upstart's name. Weeds like him should be plucked out before they begin to choke off healthy young plants.

Time for prayers and bed. - by Bob McCue

Monday August 10, 2005

Wow. Woke up this morning with a headache... again. Ever since I got on the bandwagon with this Sandy Candy (okay, for the layperson... Prozak), I feel quite zippy during the day time but the mornings... I have to say... are H, E, double toothpicks. Oh My Heck...Gosh. What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have written that! Spelling it out is just as bad as saying it.

I hope Marjean doesn't read this entry! I have High Priest Group Leadership meetings tonight and maybe I can squeeze in a couple of quickie home teaching appointments to make up for my sinning slip up... or... hmmm. I could just erase it and count it all good... NO. I must pay the price! No unclean thing can enter the kingdom!

Now, this is the first time I have written about this Sandy Candy (I can't bare to write the real word again... it is very humiliating for me). MarJean has been lauding praises about it for years. All of her friends swear by it too. I am astounded at how I can focus for hours on end now whereas, with my depression, I used to be lucky to get a good 45 minute stretch going! I love it! It's wonderful stuff! The only downside is how terrible I feel about having to take a drug to feel this good all the time. Life is just so smooooooth now. Ignore the nag. Ignore why I have to drug myself to feel so normal...

Speaking of combatting depression... I wonder if that annoying apostate sing song writer will accost me on the "Let's Just Keep This Thing Going" board today again. Gee I hope not. I know I am not supposed to hate anyone but I find it absolutely difficult to be Christ like with That Guy! He always asks those sketchy questions that don't have answers for. He is relentless!

I just figure I can baffle the bulk of the members with turbulent and chronic longwindedness until they finally give up trying to understand what I am writing. That works nine times out of ten.

You know, I really do wonder how many souls I personally am responsible for saving. I can't wait to see my score card when I die! I am confident I have saved many souls from the doldrums of apostasy. I feel so good about that. Between me you and the fence post... it's what gets me up in the morning (well, that and the Sandy Candy, ahem.) I've learned that mentioning my University degrees throughout my articles act quite potently as an effective and assuring balm to the troubled wondering mind.

But geez That Guy just irks me. He just gets under my skin! He sees right through my sound and bomb proof logic every time! Maybe that is why I wake up with the headaches. I can't sleep at night when he and I get into it. Every explanation I come up with gets pierced by his use of logic and reason!

When will they see that the things of God are illogical and unreasonable by very design! That is how God designed it all! It is NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE! It is so clear... so amazingly beautiful. So simple! I wonder if they ever heard of faith? Of course they have! When they were members. But how quickly they become proud and stiffnecked. Oh the flaxen chords! They are being bound and led carefully down to HELL. How come I don't feel badly for writing that word that time? I should ask MarJean....

Tuesday August 11, 2005

I have been thinking much about the time I spend crusading against the apostates on the "Let's Just Keep This Thing Rolling" board. I had a special experience this morning as I was pondering and praying about my activities there. I often implore Heavenly Father's guidance so that I might be able to partition the Truth from the Lies... and stand as a beacon of hope for the troubled souls among us.

I felt the spirit strongly this morning during my morning prayers. I was thinking again about how many souls I have probably saved and tears came to my eyes when the feeling of joy washed over me that some how I have been an instrument in the hands of God to help these lost souls shore up their faith. I KNOW Heavenly Father is pleased with me. I just know what I know and the spirit confirmed yet again to me that my path is straight and true. I am ever shored up. I will not deviate from this path.

Wednesday August 12th 2005

Exciting news! I was at the drinking fountain at the office today and Brother P came up to me at the water cooler and spoke to me in a seriously low, hushed tone about some brand new business opportunity that his friend's neighbor's Bishop who knows Apostle N is involved with. Something about a tremendous ground floor opportunity just getting started with the internet web link concept to homes. I am very hesitant to look at these businesses anymore since MarJean and I are close to retirement. But I would trust Brother P with my life! He and I have been through thick and thin together in these here trenches. We slogged through the 70's quagmired Book of Abraham years, the 80's Hoffman papers, and I esteem Brother P above anyone else. Besides, Brother P told me he has prayed about this business, studied the whole thing out in his mind and cannot find a crack in its foundation.

There is a business meeting tonight at this Bishop's house. Brother P says it will be standing room only so we'd better get there early. I am curious. I am anxious to see the particulars. MarJean and I could sure use some supplemental income!

Wednesday August 13, 2005

WOW! All I can say is WOW! The Lord sure works in mysterious way! This ground floor internet business opportunity is truly a blessing! I can't believe how much money we will.. or I should say.. could make (Still need to pray about this before we jump in you know). It is incredible! At the meeting, we all tapped into a phoned in message from the top guy who called in from Malaysia. He spoke for 10 minutes about the product and how he plans to put this product in every home across America and eventually all of the developed portions of the world.

WOW. Think of the potential! He said that Microsoft is already nervous about our... I mean this product.

And isn't it timely! Marjean and I have been talking finances for weeks now and have been wondering how we were going to send our son on a mission and our daughter to college. We have been praying for a miracle few extra hundred dollars a month. We thought the blessing would come in the form of a raise or maybe our mutual funds would miraculously post larger gains for a couple few years... but THIS!! I never expected to be handed THIS!! The lord sure works in mysterious ways. I am going to read Malachi again tonight and marvel at the Law of Tithing. Talk about the Windows of Heaven opening!

Thursday August 14, 2005

Well, MarJean and I prayed for 35 minutes straight about The Business. We can't see any flaw. There is NO down side. I can't believe it only costs $499.00 to join! That is so reasonable! We are IN! After we got up off our knees, we were still very much excited and positive. If we were not supposed to do this business, The Lord would not allow us to feel this good about it. This is how MarJean and I make all of our important financial decisions. It is truly a blessing to have this powerful confirmation through the Spirit of the Lord work so flawlessly in our lives.

MarJean had a powerful thought reveal itself to her during our prayer. She shared this thought with me reverently. She says that with my ability to pursuade others to think the way they need to think about hugely important things like God, it would be a naturally easy thing for me to pursuade others to listen and join this business. We both got teary eyed with that blessed realization. I just KNOW this business will work for us.

I am so fired up! I can't wait for the next meeting. - by Noggin

Sunday August 17, 2005

This is an extremely difficult entry to write. I am in shock. Turns out Kris, and I quote, is “really struggling with the church” (I can't even believe I'm writing this). He came to church with us today and had dinner afterward, and everything seemed fine. At dinner (MarJean's chili sauce hamburger helper meatloaf, peas, and fruit punch) I mentioned (rather in passing, I thought) my Adam God paper, the BOA project, the JST idea, and there was no problem. We sat down in the LR after dinner and I mentioned Winchley's new article, and while I'm talking, Kris looks at me with this look in his eyes like I've never seen before, and just says, “Dad – is the church all you ever talk about?”. I said, “What?” “Is the church all you ever talk about?” I said, “No, it's not all I ever talk about”. And then he says, “It sure seems like it”, and then he walks out of the room and goes downstairs. I was shocked, and pretty upset.

So I went into the kitchen where MarJean was cleaning up and asked her if she knew what the matter with Kris was. She said no. I told her what happened. She said she'd go and talk to him. So, she comes up a few minutes later and says I'd better go talk to him, he seems really upset, so I went down to try to find out what was going on (by the way, I think Kris and I have always had a very close relationship).

I said, “Kris, what's bothering you?”. He didn't say anything – he didn't even want to look at me - so I asked again. He just kept looking down, saying, “I don't really want to talk about it”. I kept pressing and finally he said, “If you really want to know, I am” (this is where he said it) “really struggling with the church”. I was shocked. “What are you struggling with?”, I said. “Pretty much everything”, he said. I thought, what's THAT supposed to mean? I felt inspired him to ask him if he had read the Adam God paper I emailed to him. He said, “Yeah, I read it, or most of it”. “Did that clear up some of your questions?”. “Not really”, he said. How could he read it, and it not clear up anything for him? When he said “not really”, is when I knew there was really something wrong.

I realized he wasn't going to go into details about whatever his issues are, so I took a deep breath and just tried to be understanding. I said, “Listen Kris...You've got a good head on your shoulders. It would only be natural for you to wonder about things, to ask questions about the church. All of us have had questions. I just want you to know that those questions have an answer, even if we don't always know what that answer is. Sometimes the Lord just hasn't revealed it yet. But I just want you to know that there ARE answers.”

There is nothing to shore up a failing testimony like hearing another person's testimony, so I put my hand on his knee and said, “I just want you to know, Kris, that I know the church is true. I know that Joseph was a prophet. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Book of Mormon is true. I know there are a lot of naysayers out there, but there is one thing they don't understand, and that is that a knowledge of the Book of Mormon's truthfulness only comes through the Holy Ghost. And I, for one, have received that knowledge, and it is more than good enough for me. And I know that you can have that knowledge too, if you read and pray”.

He just mumbled, “I understand you feel that way”. I asked him what had started the questions. Once again he said he didn't want to talk about it. I felt certain though that it was some professor who had precipitated this. I asked him what classes he had taken the past semester, and as soon as he muttered, “Intro to Critical Thinking”, I thought, “bingo”. I cannot believe that at BYU there are professors, getting church money, helping kids lose their faith in the name of “critical thinking”. There is no conflict between critical thinking and faith, as long as each occupies its proper sphere, but it seems like not everyone, even at BYU, understands that. I was pretty upset though I didn't show him that. I am definitely going to be sending an email to his teacher. And I guess this means we should not have let him move out and into an on-campus dorm, though I don't know how we could have known this might happen. One of his roommates is probably helping this along.

There didn't seem like much else to say, so I just said, “Kris, I know you're going through a tough time. I would appreciate being able to give you a father's blessing of comfort and counsel”. If you can believe it, he just said, “Thanks, but I don't think that's really going to help me”. For about the tenth time in the conversation, I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. What about the time he broke his leg, I gave him a blessing, and his leg healed perfectly? Has he forgotten that? What about when his mother had a lump removed after a priesthood blessing, and the doctor said he's never seen such quick recovery? Has he forgotten that too? Besides, I have to say, his refusal was quite wounding to me personally.

Anyway, the Kris that was here today is not the Kris I know. He seemed glum and really, almost tortured. One thing I will do, however, is – I will find out exactly what is going on. I feel very confident that if and when Kris feels opens up to me, that I will be able to help him resolve his concerns. Obviously, I do this stuff for a living. I and my colleagues have helped many dozens of people through all kinds of crises of faith. But despite my faith in Kris evetually coming to the right conclusion, I am still shocked and upset. He's supposed to be putting his papers in in three months. Yes, I am taking this very, very seriously.

Come to think of it, I pray to God he has not gotten himself into trouble commandment-wise. There is no surer killer of the spirit than that.

The end of it was that Kris said he should probably be getting back to his dorm, and that it might be better if we communicate this through email. I said, “Whatever I can do for you, I will do, so email is just fine”. As he left, I hugged him and said, “Love you, son”, and he said, “Love you too, Dad”. To be honest, that was nice to hear after the blessing thing.

I am not sure how much to tell MarJean. I don't exactly know where this is going with Kris at the moment – if we talk over the next week, he might wind up putting all these doubts behind him, so I'm not sure I should really say something that's going to upset MarJean yet. Why create more stress? I think I will just tell her for now that Kris going through a tough time, where he feels confused about things, and that we should pray for him. I will also put his name on the temple prayer roll. The temple prayer roll always helps a lot. - by Tal Bachman

Kurt's Monday August 18, 2005 Entry

Hi. This is Kurt. I have hijacked my pop's computer from BYU and thought I would explain a few things. So dad, here goes...

As I couldn't talk to you yesterday (I have this little problem and its a little embarrassing to talk about), a few hours at the dorm have given me a chance to collect my thoughts and find out who I am.

Dad, first of all, you are the greatest, and no you don't talk about the church too much. I was just feeling a little lost that's all. I was a little self-absorbed, considering that I have only three months until I'm out of here on my mission... Dad, can you help me? We need to talk about my money situation and education. How is this going to work if I am leaving in 3 mo.?

See you at Family Night tonight.

Kurt.

Another Monday August 18, 2005 Entry by Kurt

Hi. Kurt here again. Sorry to LOGMEIN to your computer again pops, but I wanted to make sure that you know I have not only read your Adam-GOd theory paper, but I think I am beginning to understand it. I want to give the family night lesson on it, if that's OK? See you at 7 pm.

Here is the content of my lesson dad.

Now hear it, O inhabitants of the earth, Jew and Gentile, Saint and sinner! When our father Adam came into the garden of Eden, he came into it with a celestial body, and brought Eve, one of his wives, with him. He helped to make and organize this world. He is Michael, the Archangel, the Ancient of Days! about whom holy men have written and spoken—He is our Father and our God, and the only God with whom we have to do. Every man upon the earth, professing Christians or non-professing, must hear it, and will know it sooner or later ... the earth was organized by three distinct characters, namely, Eloheim, Yahovah, and Michael, these three forming a quorum, as in all heavenly bodies, and in organizing element, perfectly represented in the Deity, as Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (Journal of Discourses, vol. 1, pp.50-51).

Now dad, help me understand completely, but isn't this saying that Adam worked with Elohim and Yahovah to create the earth, and if he did that, isn't this something that a god can do? And if Adam is the father of the human family, does that not make him the one at the head of us all? Is this what is means when he is the "only God with whom we have to do?" Is it a line of authority thing? I think I understand it now.

Kurt

After Family Night Entry by Kurt

Pops. Kurt here. LOGMEIN again.

OK, so its Kris. I was embarassed. I thought if I posed as Kurt I could make some progress. But Kurt knew nothing about Adam God theory (duhh) and I never came over, so here I am, to confess. I confess. Its Kris that ruined your family night.

Dad, I've really been thinking about this AdamGod Theory, and it is making a lot of sense, once you just THINK about it. If we all can become Gods, or if that potential is there, just think about it, surely Adam is one of them. Surely he is the priesthood leader of this earth, the patriarch, the one in charge, so to speak. He is the first on this earth. He isn't our Father in Heaven, but he is in the chief spot, isn't he?

OK, let me take a stab at this. So dad, you wrote in your paper that Adam is God, and I believe that, in the sense of the CONTEXT of how that title was being used by Brigham Young. Kind of like PRESIDENT can be a title given to many different people, God can be a title too, for celestial resurrected beings who are part of what makes up Elohim. Elohim is a plural noun, the Hebrew word that describes what God is (more than one being, but the same God with the same title). God the Father is part of what makes up Elohim, so is Jesus, so is the Holy Ghost, so apparently is Adam. Since God delegates, Adam is the only god with who we have to do to finish out THIS earth life. But once we are "in" the Celestial Kingdoms, we too can be part of Elohim, or God, since God is not just one being, it is many.

Have I got that right?

Seems like Brigham Young knew what he was talking about. Maybe this concept is just over the heads of your detractors, eh dad?

Love, Kris.

A few pages fluttered out of MarJean's diary on Monday August 18, 2005

Pounds lost this week: none (so far!)

Breakfast: Rice cake with 3 Kraft cheese slices--226 calories! Yay!

Mid morning protein break: 3 slim jims--450 calories; plus had two Krispy Kreme chocolate-iced custard donuts to celebrate only eating 226 (yay!) calories at breakfast: 600 calories.

Lunch: at Macaroni Grill with the ladies from my Mary Kay group. Had Shrimp in Lemon Butter Sauce with pine nuts and basil and angel hair pasta. Had chunks of rosemary bread dipped in olive oil (so healthy!) and a Cesar salad and part of Suzy Jo's tiramisu. I don't know how many calories that is for all that but am guessing 500?

Afternoon snack: baby carrots dipped in ranch dressing. 200 calories. Ate some of leftover Cheetoh Cassarole, too, but hardly any.

Dinner: Am planning to make pan pizza using Pilsbury croissant rolls topped with low-fat mozzarella, sliced Slim Jims, canned tuna, mushrooms, Jimmy Dean sausage, etc., etc. Plan to eat two slices. Don't know how many calories? 200 per slice?

Day's estimated total: 2376--looks like I can have dessert again today! Yay!

Dear Diary,

I almost cried at Curves today.

I don't know what's gotten into me anymore. I've been so weepy lately! I was doing ab crunches on the floor and after one or two I stopped just to rest a little bit because my thyroid has been acting up again even though I just got that new medication from that nitwit who calls himself a "doctor" but can't even seem to diagnose much less treat my symptoms... Anyway, I was just resting my eyes for a minute when that smug brown-haired woman shook my shoulder and said, "Wake up, Sleepyhead!"

She said it with that oh-so cutesy sweet syrupy voice but I KNEW she was just so HAPPY to find that I'd dozed off. She doesn't understand that my sleeping pills leave me feeling just a little slow at that time in the morning before my Prozac has had a chance to kick in. AND she's just feeling superior because she has almost reached her goal of loosing 70 lbs. and she knows that is MY goal too. I swear she overheard that I actually gained two pounds last week but what no one seems to understand is that I am retaining water due to my trichinosis.

I guess she was trying to intentionally hurt my feelings by calling me "sleepyhead". My eyes filled with silly tears but I quickly blinked them back before anyone could notice. I am going to stand by someone else next time.

After Curves I stopped by Smith's to look in their stationary aisle. I wanted to get some markers for the Victoria's Secret protest next week. I am planning on making a sign that says, "Only WHORES shop at Victoria's Secret stores!"--isn't that just a scream!? I came up with that one in no time flat! Trudy Jane wants me to make up a slogan for her, too.

I almost forgot! I bought an eclair at the Smith's bakery and ate it as I drove home. I will have to add that to my calorie total.

I am so excited! There's this new internet business that Garloy wants to get in on the ground floor of! We prayed and prayed about it and I just received such a feeling of peace and optimism from the Lord! I know He'll bless us in this. When I prayed before starting out on my Mary Kay, Avon, Pampered Chef, Tres Jolie Jewelry, Treasured Pooches, and Tupperware ventures, I never felt so calm and joyful about it! I mean, hardly! And those didn't do very well, I admit! But this one I feel so good about. I think the Lord was testing me before.

I am very upset with Katie today. I overheard her on the phone with her little friend, talking about nose piercing! She said Kelly Clarkson had her nose pierced and it looked "cute"! Well, I tell you I walked right over and snatched the phone out of her hand and gave her a talking to! I said, "I'll Kelly Clarkson YOU, missy, if I ever catch you talking that way again!" She's lucky that I let her get her ears pierced when she was sixteen. I still wear my clip ons. That's good enough for me. If I ever get to meet the Prophet I can hold my head high.

I think I am going to call the doctor to schedule an appointment to talk about how weepy I've been lately.

August 6, 2005

Pound lost this week: none (still! must remain positive!)

Breakfast: Rice cake with 3 Kraft cheese slices--226 calories! Plus Slim Fast shake: 220 calories. Plus 2 bowls of Quaker Instant Oatmeal, 160 calories each.

Mid morning protein break: Tuna melt. Don't know how many calories.

Lunch:

Afternoon snack:

Dinner:

Day's estimated total:

Dear Diary:

Today is our anniversary. I bought Garloy "7 Habits of Highly Successful People" to go with the "Emotional Intelligence" book I bought for him back on Father's Day. He said he just LOVED it. He took it to work to read during his lunch break, he said.

I wonder where we will go tonight for dinner? I hope it is that restaurant over at Riverwoods that I like. It is kind of expensive, though.

I was watching Dr. Phil this morning and he was talking again about communicating with your spouse. He is such an intelligent, kind man. And he looks very fit, too. I think I'll buy his cookbook. I hope he doesn't call for wine in his recipes though! That Martha Stewart puts wine or liquor in EVERYTHING! Her recipes are USELESS! It's no wonder she went to jail. What goes around comes around and when you break the Word of Wisdom like that you are going to pay SOMEHOW.

Anyway, it seems like Garloy and I don't talk as much as we used to so I am really looking forward to the dinner tonight so I'll have a chance to talk about what's going on in MY life! There's so many things, like the Sheri Dew supper, and the Victoria's Secret protest, and then I am sewing Kurt and Katie's back to school clothes, and I have my visiting teaching and all of my RS responsibilities--I am so BLESSED! I am just so happy and fulfilled and I want to share that with everyone!!!!! ***

Dinner was nice, I guess. We went to Garloy's favorite place, that Chinese restaurant. It's so nice to see Lamanites try to better themselves through hard work.

I tried to use some of Dr. Phil's tips for communicating couples but Garloy really needed to be heard tonight so I just put my listening ears on for him! It's so important to be supportive in the wifely role.

I started to get weepy again over ice cream at Baskin Robbins which was our dessert treat after the Chinese buffet. I don't know why I feel like crying when I am so HAPPY! Silly me. I guess I'm just tired. I think I'll go to sleep now. - by cheeseburger

"It apparently (lamentably) continues to appear to be the case that some continue to labor under the misimpression that Moroni's masterful comments in Moroni chapter ten verse five in effect imply that something like knowledge of the 'truth of all things' is attainable by mortal minds as long as they have sincere hearts, or in effect that through the Holy Spirit they may achieve a 'rationalized' version of what the ancient Greeks referred to, although they referred specifically to an irrational state, as ecstasis, or 'being outside of onself', a concept which scholarship has long since shown to be flawed and naive (not to mention physiologically impossible), and which entails for its positing a shockingly grotesque amount of pride, in that it presumes the possibility of a kind of omniscience or 'perception without bias', reminiscent of the now discredited views of the 19th century German 'scientific' historian Leopold von Ranke. However, as Thomas Kuhn has shown, we must acknowledge that for one to choose (for such transition is a function solely of will) to discard one paradigm and replace it with another in no way implies that the discarder/replacer has made progress toward the truth of anything, because it is entirely unclear, and must remain entirely unclear ex post facto asymptotically con brio mutatis mutandis supercalifragilisticexpialodocious, whether any progress has been made ever, since our very inhabiting of various paradigms precludes us from ever making any definite judgment as to the proximity of one paradigm over another toward 'the truth', whatever that concept might even mean, given our innate inability to know it in its entirety.

"Attempts by anti-Mormons then to continue to perpetuate a misreading of Moroni 10:5, in the interests of erecting a straw man, should be viewed for what they are, namely, attempts by anti-Mormons to continue to perpetuate a misreading of Moroni 10:5, in the interests of erecting a straw man - and these should be viewed for what they are, namely, attempts by anti-Mormons to continue to perpetuate a misreading of Moroni 10:5, in the interests of erecting a straw man. Their deliberately distorted misreading however very clearly has nothing to do with the clear intent of Moroni's comments regarding knowing the truth of all things, a clear intent which clearly intends to convey in fact the idea that the spirit may serve as a guide (indisputably crucial, but still merely a guide) in understanding the gospel and the scriptural representations of it in print form such as the Book of Mormon, but which should in no way be intended to be taken to mean that one might 'know' something or transcend oneself in the way the anti-Mormons claim, or as 'evidence' that Mormonism is scripturally bound to subjugate the products of purely mental effort and the force of physical evidence to spiritual promptings, since in fact, nothing could be further from the truth" (inadvertent irony in last two words brought to you by the kind of blindness that only genuine delusion can bring).

(Fictional) Dr. Garloy P. Hendricks
Hugh Pangloss Nibley Professor of Metaphysico-Theologico-Apologetico-Egypto-Wordprint Studies-Adhoc-Loonology at BYU
Director of FLAKE (Foundation for Latter-day Apologists Kombatting Error)

Parting comments:

1.) Churches get the apologetics they deserve

2.) Garloy-san he say all angry: "I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT!"

3.) How in the world did I ever get mixed up with something like Mormonism? Bad Talmage.

Gah,

T.

Garloy Hendricks responds to the imitation of Garloy Hendricks by Talmage Bachman:

"That 'Brother' Bachman can seriously think that his imitation of me sounds or appears to be anything like the way I sound or appear when I am speaking or writing is only testimony to how fully he misunderstands everything I say, a tendency which has been much noted by me over the past two years and which I have found myself powerless to correct notwithstanding the many emails I have sent to Bachman over the past two years while noticing the tendency of which I speak, namely, that he misunderstands me and that his impressions of me are humorous only insofar as they indicate to what lengths the depths of his misunderstanding go or sink, and which he evidently refuses to read, surely to protect himself from the dizzying effects of the cognitive dissonance which deep down he must surely know will ensue once he can no longer entertain notions which he evidently so craves to entertain.

"Bachman's shameless grandstanding and puerile cheap shots speak volumes about the rancour which seems to inevitably follow all those who desire to forget the fact that deep down, they know the church is true, a rancour perhaps most reminiscent of that felt by Lucifer's fallen angels who...

(Edited for brevity)

..."Has he not read our latest research on the canopic jars? Has he not read our latest research on wordprint studies which establish to the satisfaction of all with an open mind that the Book of Mormon was in fact written by multiple authors over the course of several hundred years? Has he not read our responses to Palmer's execrable offering? Is he not aware that Michael Whiting has demolished the ludicrous claims of Southerton and Murphy? Does he not know that..."

(Edited again for brevity)

..."Furthermore, I am NOT impressed by McCue. He, and all the other pseudo-intellectuals on the board in question, for reasons I am unable to fathom, appear to think that something they say might matter to someone, when in reality they have no standing within the academic community at large. That reminds me - our latest edition of 'The Journal of Book of Mormon Studies' is ready to come out, and..."

(Edited again to protect Garloy from even more self-embarrassment......yawn...)

"....And in the end, all the proof one needs to know that the Book of Mormon was indeed engraven on gold/ziff alloy book pages 2,600 years ago in 'reformed Egyptian', rather than simply dictated by a bright J. Smith, Jr. in 1828-1829 while alternately staring into his hat and at his family's King James Bible, is in the 'burning of the bosom' which attends to all those who sincerely sup from its pages, asking God for a testimony thereof. I, for one, have felt that burning in the bosom, and there the matter ends for me; to paraphrase both Patrick Henry and Joshua, 'I know not what course others may take, but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, and take liberty rather than death, for we shall not halt between two masters'".

Many thanks for the great laughs. You are a very gifted satirist. I enjoyed it a great deal, even more than green Jello with carrot slices, pears, and Miracle Whip topping. - 02/02/2006 - lightfingerlouie

Our FARMS diarist MUST at least secretly be a fan of "The Simpsons" but MarJean probably frowns on that. So he has to watch it at work.

He of course identifies unconsciously with Springfield's Police Chief Wiggum, who sneaks off to eat donuts every chance he gets.... and, of course, when performing crowd control duties during conferences (TBMs gathering to gawk at demonstrating Exmos), nasally announces, "Move along, folks, there's nothing to see here."

"Ha ha! What an idiot!" he thinks. "Glad I'm nothing like Wiggum!"

True Believing Mormon thought police? - 02/02/2006 - Ken Taylor