Please submit your Mormonia Fairy Tale in the box below. Who knows, maybe your tale will soon be told in General Conference?
So I bought the Missionaries groceries this week- great ending - by The Drive
I was in Safeway picking up a few things for dinner when I spied the local missionaries at the self-check out kiosks. I watched as the junior of the two stopped scanning his groceries and told the other one that he didn't have enough money on his card to pay for everything. The Senior missionary told him to put the rest of the stuff back as they would be getting their deposits in this weekend.
I stepped forward and told the missionary to continue scanning his groceries and that I'd take care of it for him. He asked if I was a member and I told him not to worry about it. He started to scan in his groceries again but stopped and asked what Ward I was in. Again, I told him not to worry about it.
$52.16 later I paid for his groceries and told them to have a nice day. He asked who I was and I replied in a serious tone: "Have you ever heard of the 3 Nephites? Consider yourselves blessed."
I walked one way and they left through the other door.
I can only imagine their emails home this week and their weekly letter to the President.
I wanted to help. I was is their shoes one time and I know how much it sucks to be out of food with a week to go.
I didn't want them to know my name or who I was so I thought the three Nephites was a good explanation. And I know they will go back and ask someone who the three Nephites are because they don't talk about it these days and I was hoping to cause some critical thinking.
Besides, it will make a wonderful faith-promoting rumor that will travel throughout the mission and as you know missionaries they will begin to tell their tale to members and investigators about one of the three Nephites is living right here in Colorado. The members will look at them like they have snakes growing out of their ears and chalk it up to youthful exaggerations while investigators will know the Mormons really are crazy.
Only for Mormons - by flattopSF
The three nephites are supposed to have been three of Jeebus' American apostles that asked to be magically kept alive until Jeebus returned again. According to Mor[m]ons, they show up at random moments doing good works (but only for Mor[m]ons) and then disappear. Magically.
They must have been really fooled when Se–or Columbus & Co. showed up five hundred years ago. Ha!
Kind of like Bigfoot - by Tauna
I don't remember which Mormon fairy tale this is from, but supposedly 3 of the Nephites (Hebrew Native Americans) were given super special magic powers that they would never die. Mormon folklore describes them as 3 elusive figures that will wander the earth until Jesus returns. No one (other than maybe the General Authorities) knows who they are. There have been many sightings (kinda like Bigfoot).
OMG! I just realized how crazy this all sounds.
I grew up listening to 3 Nephite stories aplenty - by Shummy
Wish I could remember some details but I remember one uncle who told of a hitchiker he picked up who performed some miracle and disappeared without a trace. I always thought he was nuts.
IIRC, they were actually supposed to be 3 of the Jeebster's American apostles who made a special request to not die but to wander the earth and provide crazy old Mormons with a continuous supply of FPR material.
The Three Apostates - by Bob T
The Three Apostates roam the earth and save missionaries from starvation.
(I gave the pair who approached me in the supermarket parking lot some cans of beef stew and a loaf of fresh French bread, and a fake name & address.)
Two additional beings - by changedname
Supposedly, Cain & John the Beloved still roam, too. One's a blessing, the other's a curse.
Sighting as gas station attendant - by Professional Nephite Hunter
Nephite #2 is currently working as a gas station attendant in a Reno, Nevada 7-11. He has held the position for two years. You will have to act quickly to find him, as they tend to move around a lot.
Also noted, he had a picture of himself and the other two Nephites which was taken at Disney Land. If you find it, the fourth figure is Goofy, so please don't let it confuse you. The evidence that he is a Nephite: He has survived seventeen robbery attempts, is a cardholding member of the American Archaeological Foundation, was able to levitate in front of me, and carried a rather dog-eared copy of the original 1830 Book of Mormon (he says Mormon got quite a number of details wrong, and is still insulted that he wasn't consulted with).
They were indestructible - by anon
Larry, Moe and Curly were always indestructible. They beat on each other constantly and never showed one battle scar. They were re-translated from this plane but reappear as the Kingston Trio, The First Presidency or Bare Naked Ladies.
Sneak up on one - by cat groomer
He looked real big like those paintings in the Book of Mormon. Very strong and had sandals and straps on his legs to keep the sandals pulled up on his feets. He had a wrap on him for warmth which was from a fur animal. He was bigger than the other Basque guys pushing sheep in the Uintas Moutains but he was herding too.
He didn't drink and smoke like the others. In from Mountain View, Wyoming near Gilbert Lake and Peak. I admired him and knew he was a Nephite right off. I asked his name just to hear his voice. It was Hamjeesh.
He could speak Spanish to the Basques or anything, it was weird. I know it was through the Holy Ghost. You should be able to find him but be sure to sneak up. OK?
Beware by wanderer
I am he. The wanderer in the desert and in the mountains. And also in the ether. My wanderings are even now continuing in the space-time continuum known as the Internet. Beware your mockings.
Out among the flat wheat fields - by stoner
It was 1972. I was not LDS yet. I was in an old school bus traveling in South West Kansas with my rock and roll band. We were all drunk and stoned.
It was about 3 a.m. and we were rolling through endless flat wheat fields when all of a sudden all six of us saw an old man wearing a flannel shirt, khaki pants and a hat like Smokey the Bear wears. We went past about 100 yards and then backed up to see if he needed help. He was NOWHERE TO BE SEEN! It was flat as a pancake out there and there is no way he could have been lying down, we would have seen him because he was just a little overweight.
I know we were pretty out of it, but it was either a Nephite or the best group hallucination I've ever been involved in. This is the truth! No Kidding! I'm straight as a string now, mostly, and this vision has stuck with me through all the years.
The three keggers - by Bud Light
I saw the three Nephites at the drag races smoking and drinking. I noticed them by their strange clothing. The thought hadn't occured to me that that was who they were, I just asked them who they were and why they dressed that way.
That's when they told me. I asked them about the word of wisdom, etc, and they said it didn't apply to them since they were immortal. One of them told me that I was really missing out not being able to drink. He did say that when we're in heaven, we'd be able to drink for the same reason.
I'm looking forward to my kegger with God and my family some day.
Sightings on the BYU campus - by Mother Who Knows
Sometimes, they are seen at night, where kids like to park their cars and make-out. One of them has a hook. Oh, that's a different story.
And it came to pass that LaVern, a just and righteous servant, was eager and wanting to marry a she-woman in heat. He prayed oft to beseech the Lord to guide him in this noble quest. And it came to pass that on one blessed day, a gorgeous buxom female caught his eye and yea, even inspireth his sweaty loins.
The woman looketh very desirous to LaVern, with breasts like unto ripe water melons, lips as succulent as Galilee plums and hips which accentuated her voluptuous figure for which even the not-yet resurrected dead wouldest die for. Her face was like washed white Italian marble and her eyes as blue as the great sea west of Mount Carmel.
Her teeth were as straight and white as any man could wish for. Yea, her suaveth name was Josephine and was told to be of goodly parents. She was well spoken, even uttering words of wisdom and insights that floweth like rich honey spiced with cinnamon. Blessedly, the fair maiden was also attracted to him, yea, she also lusted after LaVern with an exceedingly great lust which was claimed by God's appointed Middle Men to offend the Holy Spirit.
And it came to pass that after a very short while, LaVern decideth that he desireth Josephine as his wife and to start a family with her. Nevertheless, according to local custom, LaVern had to labor for 24 full moons for Josephine's next of kin in order to obtain license to take Josephine as wife.
During this time he laboreth in the vineyard of Josephine's godfather, promoting the assorted fruits of the family's orchard to new and largely uninformed customers. It was a challenging time, for many people did not seemeth to believeth or appreciateth the great advertising spiel which Josephine's godfather had contriveth to lureth unexpected schmucks. Nevertheless, after this exceedingly great trial, the time dreweth near when LaVern would be alloweth to marry his beloved.
The marriage was everything he wanted it to be. Yea, the first years Josephine pleaseth LaVern exceedingly, in the flesh, yea, even in the spirit. She bore him children to fill his quiver and was a fabulous homemaker. She taught the children well and even worketh diligently to keep up the mansion. Then one day it came to pass that LaVern started to notice some blemishes in Josephine he had hitherto not been aware of or had chosen to ignore.
After a half-score of years, Josephine sometimes forgoteth to apply her beauty makeup. Without adding many layers of the finest makeup, her face had an awul greyish hue and was mottled like the flesh of the dearly departed.
Josephine exclaimeth: "what does it matter how I lookest? Didst thou not fall in love with me for who I am, not as I looketh without makeup? Didst not thine feelings tellest thou that we were destined for each other? Hath not God put us together for a wise and wonderful purpose?"
And so it came to pass that LaVern learnedst to live with these blemishes, and focusedst his eyes on Josephine's luscious bosom instead. Then one day, LaVern noticeth that Josephine had not blue, but green eyes. "Good Mother of God," so LaVern exclaimeth in exceeding surprise, "what hath happened to thine eyes, Josephine?" And she openeth her lovely mouth and uttereth: "All these years I have pleaseth thee wearing blue contact lenses, since I knew thou to like blue eyes."
She smiled and lickedst her lips, and beckoneth her husband to come in to her. And it came to pass after a little while that she also whispereth into LaVern's ears: "Didst not thou adore me just for whom I am thou canst not be that shallow, art thee not?" And it came to pass that LaVern magnanimously agreeth with his spouse and got used to his wife's unsightly face, even her eyes, which occurred to him that very moment were as green and sultry as poison ivy.
One day LaVern noticeth that Josephine's bosom had succumbed to gravity, and yea, even her tender nipples commenceth to be cross-eyed. Yet LaVern lovesth her regardless. Then one day it came to pass that LaVern noticeth that the house was not as tidy as it once was. It came to pass that LaVern overlooketh this also, and had a man-servant cleaneth the house from time to time.
Then one day LaVern noticeth that the man-servant he had hired to tidy the house, had used their master bathroom to shave himself. LaVern didst not think evil of this at that time. It also came to pass that one day, upon rising early to pick the early donkey train to the Wailing Wall for early morning prayers, he found, to his exceedingly great astonishment, a set a false teeth in the master bathroom. These teeth belonged to his beloved Josephine, and yes, they were skillfully crafted by the slaves of the dungeons of Damascus, but they were fake teeth nevertheless. Yet, LaVern would not be swayeth from his love for his wife.
The next sunrise, it came to pass that LaVern happeneth to find out that Josephine's goodly parents, were not so goodly after all. Josephine had claimed that her father, knighted by the Prince of Persia, had valiantly perished in battle against the Philistines.
However, it came to pass that her father had actually been a lowly lawyer, confined in the Haifa slammer for many years for unseemly acts towards cuddly little pets. Josephine's mother was not a Galilean princess from the lineage of David the Great King as claimed, but a reviled Samaritan, which the self-appointed faithful of the day were taught by holy men of authority to be shunned as the plague.
Josephine was very apologetic, and sayeth: "I wast so embarrasseth to have told thee the truth. I didst what I felt was best for both of us, don't thou lovesth me regardless?" And thus, LaVern relented that the parent's acts should after all not be visited upon the next generations, yea even his own cute offspring, and he most generously forgave Josephine, nothwithstanding her deceptions.
It came to pass that one day, LaVern noticeth in the master bed a pair of fruit of the loom underwear. This alarmeth him to no small measure. And it came to pass that LaVern sayesth: "Josephine, how comesth that this pair of under garments have found their way into our bed of marital passionate bliss? Hast thou slept with the man-servant I had hired to clean the house and commandeth thee not to touch?"
And Josephine denieth any carnal involvement with Sam, the indentured house servant. Josephine said, "I have not slept with this Sam, since thou fillest me up and satisfiesth me all I could ever wish for as a wife." And so, LaVern tooketh comfort with his wife's explanation and relenteth exceedingly. This too, would not affect his love he had for his wife.
Then one day, LaVern came home early to surpriseth his wife with a pleasant flowery bouquet to gladden his wife's heart. When he openeth the master bedroom door, he beheldeth a sight he wouldst not easily forget, yea not even in eternity.
It cameth to pass that Josephine had firmly mounted the man-servant, Sam, and was in the throbs of unseemly passion with this son of a gun. "Damn thou Josephine!", so exclaimed LaVern in his mighty righteous anger, "What hast thou done? Didst not thou sayest that there was nothing unseemly between thee and Sam?" And Josephine cried: "It was just an unfortunate accident; it was never supposeth to have happened. Thou art, after all, away from home oft, and I was lonely and in dire need of affirmation as a woman of passion."
And Josephine also promiseth and beggeth from morn till eve that it would never happeneth again and supplicateth LaVern to give her another chance. After kicking out Sam, the man-servant from his mansion, LaVern triedst very hard to forget what had happened hitherto in his marriage, but this time the weight of objective reality weigheth heavily upon his weary mind.
One day it came to pass that LaVern foundest out that money was missing from the family purse while Josephine was being pampered in the local beauty parlor. It came to pass that when LaVern searcheth thru Josephine's belongings, lest perchance she had misplaceth the money, that he noticeth receipts from the Gaza dog races and receipts from Jamal's Apothecary for unkosher herbal substances used by wayward people to get forbidden highs. "Josephine!" so shouteth LaVern, "Hast thou spent money on gambling and Mesopotamian hashish from our bread and butter monies?" And Josephine commenceth to deny that this had ever happened. But LaVern showed her the receipts and the missing monies in the amount of the records. "Josephine! No longer willst thou lie to me! What for St. Pete's sake hath happened to thee?"
And it came to pass that Josephine uttereth these final words before she hastily fled LaVern's presence and hopped onto Sam's speedy oxen cart hidden beneath the canopy of the Sycamore tree for a hasty retreat, lest LaVern's exceeding anger wouldst unfold towards her in his mighty fury, and these were her words: "I wast what thou wanted me to be. Did I not pleasesth thee every moment I was with thee? Didst not I make thee feel so good and gladdenth thy heart all the days of thy life? Why didst thou choose to look beyond that what I appeared to be? Why would thee looketh beyond my pleasing façade and scrutinizeth every little yot and tittle?"
And it came to pass that thusly Josephine rode off towards the sunset with her lover boy, Sam the man-servant, never to be heard or seen from again.
End of story.
This is the latest news from Zarahemla, or rather Guatemala. It seems that just outside of the entryway to the Pyramid of the Sun there was a Vendor arrested and taken to jail.
In a few days with a lawyer this Vendor appeared before the magistrate to answer the charges against him. Said charges were that this Vendor was caught selling fake antiquities claiming that they were relics from ancient Zarahemla.
These artifacts were metal spearheads, metal helmets, breastplates, and fine gold leaves illustrating strange glowing stones in a boat like floating device. Along with these artifacts were old horse shoes and iron rims that were the outer rim of wooden wheels.
It was plain to see that these were cheaply made imitations of ancient artifacts.
The lawyer presented his defense. It has been shown that it is Written in the Mormon Bible that ancient Nephites once possessed all of these various items. Eventhough there has never been any archaeological evidence to prove that case. No iron work was maleable until the Conquistadors came 500 Years ago.
This Vendor claims that he is selling what is described in the Book of Mormon as being present here in ancient times. The magistrate then asked the lawyer what this vendor was charging for the phony cheap artifacts.
The lawyer replied, that that was very strange, Poor people that desired them were freely given away, but to every one else if they wanted to possess any of these artifacts they only had to pledge 10% of their income for the rest of their lives.
The magistrate's mouth fell open, then he declared that the case was dismissed, saying that no laws were broken as this vendor had placed for sale phony cheap artifacts, that were described in a book that obviously was also phony and cheap. Therefore no deceit had taken place, as far as what people paid for these cheap phony artifacts.
Well one man's trash becomes another man's treasure. There is nothing immoral nor illegal about that! The moral of this news item is, "You get what you pay for."
These kong-ans (Japanese: koan) are among the principles used by The Brethren in Mormonism and the other teachers of the New Mormon School of The Prophets. One must receive these before they can make their calling and enlightenment sure.
First Koan: Joseph's Dog
A boy once asked Joseph, “Does a dog get resurrected?” Joseph answered, “Yes!”
1. God said every earthly thing gets destroyed. Joseph said not a hair of a dog will be lost. Which one is correct?
2. Joseph said, “Yes!” What does this mean?
3. I ask you, does a dog get resurrected?
Commentary: Silence is better than holiness, so opening your mouth is a big mistake. But if you use this mistake to save all beings, this is Mormonism.
Second Koan: Joseph's Washing and Anointing
A member once asked Joseph, “I have just been baptized. Please teach me, Joseph.”
Joseph said, “Have you had a bath?”
“Yes, I have,” replied the member.
“Then,” said Joseph, “wash your bowels.”
The member was enlightened.
1. What did the member attain?
2. If you were the member, what could you say to Joseph?
Commentary: Bathe in the morning, bathe at noon, and bathe in the evening. After a bath, do you understand your job? Then do it.
Third Koan: Brigham Calls Joseph
Brigham used to call to himself every day, “Joseph!” and would answer, “Yes?”
“You must keep clear!”
“Never be deceived by others, any day, any time!”
1. What is the meaning of “Joseph!”?
2. Brigham used to call himself, and answer himself, two minds. Which one is the correct Joseph?
Commentary: Stupid, stupid! Joseph's face, Brigham's face, who understands? Wash and anoint your face, then it appears clearly.
Fourth Koan: Brigham Has No Mustache
Lorenzo asked, “Why does Brigham have no Mustache?”
1. What is Brigham's original face?
2. I ask you, why does Brigham have no mustache?
Commentary: Three years after his death, Brigham returned to Nauvoo, carrying a knife and a horse shoe. He never died. Where is he now? Watch your step!
Fifth Koan: Hyrum's Up A Tree
Elder Hyrum said, “It is like a man up The Tree of Life who is hanging from a branch by his teeth; his hands can grasp any fruit, but cannot eat any; he is tied and bound. Another man who is his priesthood leader named Lehi under the tree asks him, 'Why did Brigham leave Nauvoo to go to Utah?' If he does not answer, he evades his priesthood duty and will be killed. If he answers, he will lose his eternal life.
1. If you are in The Tree of Life, how do you stay alive?
Commentary: “Alpha and Omega!” Who died? Heavenly Father’s only son? It appears clearly in front of you.
Sixth Koan: Heber farts in the Temple
A man came into the Temple farting, breaking wind near a temple worker's face and stinking up the place. The Temple President came in, heard the man farting, and said, “Are you crazy? Why are you farting in the Temple?” The man answered, “God cleanses everything in His house. Why not His air?” The President couldn't answer and went away.
1. “God cleanses everything in His house.” What does that mean?
2. Why did the man fart in the Temple?
3. If you had been the President, how could you have fixed this man's mind?
Commentary: How do you fart in the Temple? Where do you fart? It’s all very clear. Your correct bodily function is always in front of you.
Seventh Koan: Kimball's Three Koans
1. The Son of God knows everyone. Why does a Book of Life change this?
2. Everyone has the Light of Christ in them. How can you become of son of perdition?
3. The Spirit of God like a fire burns. Through what kind of thinking can you escape being burned?
Commentary: There is a kingdom of glory like the sun, the moon, the stars - everything is according to its degree of glory. One glory only appears to be a big mistake. One book (Bible) of truth only disappears, and then reading from another (The Book of Mormon) one knows the truth. Don't read anything else. Just see a prophet, just hear a prophet, just do it.
Eighth Koan: Dunn Telling his Stories
One day Dunn came into the chapel telling his stories. The stake president said, “Venerable Elder Dunn, the time has not yet come and the fireside hasn’t started. Who are you telling your stories to?” At this, Dunn returned to the Relief Society room. The stake president told another member what had happened.
The member said, “Great Elder Dunn does not understand the lasting effects of his words.”
Dunn heard this and sent for this member. “Do you not approve of me?” he demanded. Then the member whispered in the Elder's ear. Dunn was relieved.
The next day on the podium, making his speech, Dunn was really different from before. After the fireside this member went to the front of the chapel, laughed loudly, clapped Dunn on his back and said, “Great joy! Elder Dunn has understood the power of inspiration! From now on, no one can check his stories.”
1. What is the power of inspiration?
2. What did this member whisper in Elder Dunn's ear?
3. How was Elder Dunn's speech different from before?
4. If you were Dunn, and the stake president asked you, “Who are you telling your stories to?” how would you answer?
Commentary: Three dogs chase each other's tails in a circle, following the smell, looking for truth.
Ninth Koan: Chieko’s Cat’s Cradle
Once after one morning session of stake conference, the members of the Eastern Ward and Western Ward were arguing about a point of Mormon doctrine. Hearing the loud dispute as she passed, Sister Chieko held up a cat’s cradle in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other and shouted, “Brothers and Sisters! Give me one point of doctrine you both can agree upon and I will not cut this cat’s cradle! If you cannot, I will cut it!” No one could answer. Finally, Sister Chieko cut the cat’s cradle in two.
In the evening, Joseph returned from the dead and visited Sister Chieko where upon she told him of the incident. Joseph took off his angelic robe, put it on his head, and floated away. Chieko said, “Alas, if you had been there, I could have not cut the cat’s cradle.”
1. Sister Chieko said, “Give me one point of doctrine you both can agree upon!” At that time, what can you do?
2. Joseph put his robe on his head. What does this mean?
3. Why did Sister Chieko cut the cat’s cradle?
Commentary: Sister Chieko, Joseph and all the stake members are already dead. The cat’s cradle was not alive to begin with.
Tenth Koan: Bad members eat on Fast Sunday
An Aaronic Priesthood boy visited his home teaching family who asked him many difficult doctrinal questions which he answered easily. After many exchanges the boy said, “Alright, one last question that I have to ask you. The bad members eat food on Fast Sunday, but all their dishes, cups and bowls are broken. What does this mean?”
The family gave many answers, but to each the boy only said, “No.” The family became angry and frustrated, completely stuck. After staring into the boy's eyes for 50 minutes, his mind broke and he fainted from hunger on their floor.
1. What is Fast Sunday?
2. What is “completely stuck”?
3. The members eat food, but their food containers are broken. What does this mean?
Commentary: Members eat food without bowls, dishes or cups, then what? A dollar is 100 cents, 100 cents buys ice cream; ice cream into the stomach, very good feeling. Ah, wonderful!
Eleventh Koan: Joseph's Three Nephites
From the Epilogue in Ten Koans:
Master Jesus says: “If you pass all Ten Koans, then this world will become yours. Becoming yours means you will attain the function to choose the freedom of The Tree of Life or death. The correct function, correct eternal relationships, correct situations are possible. If you pass these Ten Koans, I will give you a present of an Eleventh Koan.”
Three Nephites are walking. The first Nephite makes a sword sound while running his thumb across this throat; the next Nephite takes out a handkerchief; the third Nephite takes it and waves it saying “Hallelujah.”
1. What is their relationship?
2. What are their functions?
3. What is their situation?
Commentary: Their functions are all different, but their situation is the same.
Twelfth Koan: Boyd’s Little Factory
One day, Boyd sat on the stand and then got up and gave the speech to mark the end of the priesthood session of a semiannual conference. “All winter long you brothers read The Book of Mormon very diligently. That's wonderful! As for me, I had nothing to do, so I worked my little factory. This factory is made out of a special rod. It is made of iron and very strong and it can beat all Brethren, Patriarchs and human beings into submission to Jesus and Joseph. It beats anything you can do. How can you beat my little factory?
Some members shouted, “Hail!” Others beat the floor or shook a fist. One said, “The skiing here is great, when my balls are blue.” Another said, “Already beaten; how about you, great Elder?” From the back of the room a member shouted, “Hold to the rod!”
Many answers were given, but to each Boyd only replied, “Aha! I've caught many, many fish!”
1. How do you beat Boyd’s little factory?
"Fuck you, Laman!" said Lemuel.
Laman laughed his ass off. Lemuel knelt down on the ground clutching his face. The bow had snapped in the middle, just as he had drawn the arrow. He knew it was Laman's fault. There was a straight cut, as if it had been sawed part way through, underneath the leather grip.
"Dude, that was funny as hell. I wonder if we could do the same to Nephi's bow," said Laman. The smirk on his face gave away his sadistic side.
"Nephi's bow is made of steel. You can't just saw through the middle," Lemuel managed to spill out a few words though his mouth was still bleeding.
"Where the hell did he get steel from? I've never even heard of steel," said Laman.
"It's a kind of metal, like bronze." Blood was now smeared all over Lemuel's face.
"Nephi is quite an alchemist. Betcha he could turn lead into gold."
"You can't turn lead into gold. That's just a myth."
"I bet Nephi can. Those plates he has tell him how. He's been holding out on us."
"Let's go kick his ass, Laman, for being such a dick."
"Yeah... that dickhead."
Laman and Lemuel made their way toward Nephi, hunting alone in the wilderness with his steel bow. How Nephi got the steel bow alludes me, though it made finding him in the wilderness easier for Laman and Lemuel. The shiney surface gave away his position. The terrible duo knelt behind a bush, waiting to gang up on Nephi.
"There he is, Lemuel. Let's get him." Laman gripped a stiff wooden stick. "Wait... what the fuck are you doing?"
Lemuel popped a few mushrooms in his mouth.
"Where did you get those?"
"They're just mushrooms, Laman. I found them in the wilderness."
"Well, give me some. Don't be a dick." Lemuel handed them over. Laman chomped on the last remaining caps. "Wow. Those were tasty. Kinda like pumpkin seeds."
"Yeah, they were kind of tough too." Lemuel's face looked unusually pale. Combined with the blood smear and the gash on his upper lip, he looked rather like a zombie. Suddenly, his face flushed a bright green. He threw up a steamy grayish vomit with tiny mushroom chunks.
"What the fuck! Lemuel, you stupid bitch! You picked bad mushrooms!" Laman's face began to turn pale.
"... Ugh... " Lemuel wiped the vomit off of his chin with his shirt sleeve. "Ah. That feels better."
"Where did you get those mushrooms? Didn't dad tell you to be careful about what kind of shrooms you pick."
"I didn't pick them. I took them from Dad. He keeps them in a special chest in his tent."
"These are dad's special mushrooms? Why didn't you tell me that? Aw, shit!"
"Why? what are dad's special mushrooms?"
"Don't you know, Lemuel?" Laman's face got progressively more pale. "Every time Dad gets us lost he eats some of these mushrooms. This is how the angels come to him to tell us where to go."
"Really?" Lemuel looked flabbergasted. "I thought he had visions"
"Yeah, visions. These shrooms make you see..." Laman threw up mushroom chunks all over Lemuel's wilderness pack. "Bleaaarph"
"Fuck you, Laman!" cursed Lemuel, disgusted by the vomit on his pack.
"No. Fuck you, Lemuel. You should have told me those were Dad's special mushrooms."
Lemuel splashed water over him face. He started to feel unusually warm. The cool water washed away most of the blood and vomit, but the smell still lingered a bit.
"Let me see that!" Laman snatched the water skin from Lemuel's hands. The water on his face was rather refreshing. Laman began to feel unusually happy. He felt his body loosen up and become more energetic.
"Wow. Laman... Are you as pumped up as I am?"
"Yeah. Those mushrooms really give you a kick. I feel like I have loads of energy... Hey let's go find the dork."
"Oh yeah, Nephi. Let's go find Nephi." Laman and Lemuel scanned the area for signs of Nephi. They had a hard time focusing their eyes on the area. The bright colors were distracting.
They must have been wandering for hours.
"There... right there... I saw a flash," Laman discovered the shimmering reflection off of Nephi's steel bow. The bright flash seemed to separate into the entire visual spectrum. Its light was illuminated in rainbows.
Lemuel couldn't stop giggling. The cartoonish plants were just too funny.
"Alright. Let's kick his ass. C'mon Lemuel."
Laman and Lemuel hobbled toward Nephi who stood very solemn and calm as he was approached by his two brothers. Laman took his first shot at Nephi, who dodged the attack easily. Lemuel tried to lay a punch. He clumsily missed and tripped on a tree root.
Nephi fought back. He snatched the stick from Laman's hands and proceeded to beat the shit out of him with it. Lemuel flipped over on his back, now facing toward the action. He saw Laman on the ground getting the shit beat out of him by an enormous brightly colored angel of wrath. The angel's eyes glowed red and traced around as he moved.
Laman might have been unconscious. He lied there motionless for an extended period of time. Lemuel started to become paranoid. This was going to be a bad trip!
Suddenly, the angel that stood in from of Lemuel ignited with fire. The stick in its hand formed a long scythe and his face now looked like an ominous black skull. "Oh shit, said Lemuel." He laid underneath the tree, gripped in fear, unable to stop the upcoming beating.
"Dad!" said Nephi "Dad. I need you help."
"What is it Nephi?" said Lehi. His face was focused intently on the plates he was writing.
"It's just Laman and Lemuel. They tried to kick my ass again."
Lehi was too distracted in his work. Nephi didn't catch his attention. "That's nice... Oh! Nephi. Do you know what happened to my mushrooms?"
Behold, it did come to pass that one day, a lonely Welsh historian did sit, bored out of his great and spacious mind, in his humble and teeny office at the University.
And it came to pass that he did say, "Good God, I'm bored!"
Whereupon, the Lord in his mercy did reveal His will unto the bored and lonely historian. For, behold, it came to pass that the historian was guided by the Holy Spirit to log onto the great and abominable website, Latter Day Lampoon.
And it came to pass that the Holy Spirit did guide the bored and lonely historian to the page headed "Mormonia Fairy Tales."
And it came to pass that he beheld, on the sacred computer monitor, carved upon plates of pure gold, letters of reformed English known as "American."
And it came to pass that, by the insiration and power of God, the bored and lonely historian did read: "Enchanted imps and white salamanders are moving the Book of Mormon into the fairytale section of my library. (A frustrated BYU Librarian) Join me in the fight!! Move a book or two today"
Wherefore, the great and spacious mind of the bored and lonely historian was illuminated brighter than the noon day sun. For it came to pass that the bored and lonely historian, with a great and spacious mind filled with light brighter than the noon day sun, did look through the window of his humble and teeny office. And behold! He beheld the library across the road.
And it came to pass that he did enter the library. And it came to pass he did select the Book of Mormon from the shelf which did hold the Bibles, Korans, Talmuds and many other religious writings of great wisdom and merit. And it came to pass that he did insert the Book of Mormon upon the shelf that did contain the writings of Saint Hans Christian Anderson and the Prophets Grimm.
Wherefore, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
But lo! The no-longer bored and lonely historian did return to his office, and did laugh and dance, and pray, saying, "I thank thee, Lord, for blessing me with the relief of boredom, and the provision of much merriment." And he did solemnly swear to spread the tale of the miracle of God's blessing with all the world, they they too might place libraries' Books of Mormon in the fairy tales section, and thereunto witness great pleasure and merriment.
Owing to the manyest reports of mine character, I, Joseph Smith, wilt present mine history.
In the second year after the removal of minest family to Mancester, mine father and brethern were laboring in the rocky field in order to bring forth crops. Mine mother and sistern did labor in the kitchen. I didest not favor labor and did flee to the woods wherest I was unable to hear the calls of mine name. This didest prevent them from joining mine labor unto their own.
My mind was called up to reflection upon the labor that I mustest be engaged upon adulthood. I was not partial to any of the labors, as I didst not like the moistness of sweat causeth by farming and other physical work. Neither did I prefer the mental pain brought forth by the labor of reading and figures.
I retired to the woods and rested in the shade of mine favorite grove. My object was to inquireth which of the labors to enjoin, and also to take a needed nap. No sooner than I reclineth in mine grove than appeareth before me two personages, whose grins shineth in such brightness as to outshine the sun.
Oliver Cowdery spake unto me, pointing to the other, "This is mine companion in mischief, Martin Harris. Listen to him!"
I asked the personages which labor to picketh and they answered that I must join none of them. They had a plan that would maketh us all rich, powerful, and loaded with hot chicks with little labor requireth in return.
Oliver and Martin saideth unto me that they would bear witness to the golden stories in return for a percentage of the glory. They saideth that I would declareth mineself a prophet and mine followers would thenceforce provide the labors and mine life would become one of leisure.
They also said unto me that I would havest the pick of virgins, both white and delightsome as unto a Nephite, also darker, unto a Lamanite. I wouldest be able to choose amongst the wives of mine followers and havest whomeverest I desire to be mine own wives and concubines. I couldest lead an army of mine making and buildest temples unto mine own glory.
They saidest also that I couldest maketh mine followers doest whatever I desireth. I couldest require them to don long johns and call them holy. I couldest maketh them learn silly handshakes and sayest they are sacred, not secret. I could makest them pay me and mine descendants 10% or more of their incometh and they wouldest do it, and say it is good. I couldest require 2 years of their labor to increase mine own income and power and they wouldest do it freely and eagerly.
As I did have visions of this paradise, the personages gavest this warning, that I did not listeneth to. "Beware, Joseph, that thou not useth these gifts to the excess and appear too greedy, powerful, or lustful or on that day thou shalt surely die."
-- People with no hearts, no brains, and no courage.
-- Following the directions of a wizened old tyrant behind a "veil".
-- A horse which changes color every three seconds vs. a doctrine which changes every three seconds.
-- The "water of truth" can make TBM's melt away from "THE church."
-- The way being in the Morg makes everything seem black and white and flat as Kansas with some nasty person (read: Bishop/stake prez/mamma) trying to harass you, then you get away from the brainwashing, and suddenly everything's technicolor and people are nice to you and you can wear cool shoes (read: underwear).
Once upon a time, there was a lovely young princess named Snowjobbedbythe TempleworkersinWhite. Her stepmother was named El Dee Ess, and was very cruel to the lovely young princess, forcing her to behave in manners unnatural for any human being and forcing her to believe in things which sometimes made Snowjobbedbythe TempleworkersinWhite feel as though she was losing her mind. The princess wept often, believing herself unworthy of the love of El Dee Ess or the god El Dee Ess claimed to worship. Snowjobbedbythe TempleworkersinWhite (also known as Phoebe for short, since her Endowment occurred on the nineteenth day of November) tried very hard to live up to the decrees and demands of the cruel El Dee Ess, but El Dee Ess spent much time telling Phoebe that all her tries fell sorrowfully short of expectations.
Phoebe had wicked stepsisters also; on her birthday one year, these stepsisters spied on her and turned her in to El Dee Ess' Bishop. The princess then had to pay penalties for daring to have a joyous birthday rather than accede to the demands of El Dee Ess. In tears again, Phoebe the Princess (also known as Snowjobbedbythe TempleworkersinWhite) ran into the deep dark forest to escape her tormentors.
In this thankfully dark, private wood where Phoebe nursed her sorrows and murmered bitter words against El Dee Ess and all the minions of that cruel stepmother, lived a Witch. All her life, Phoebe (also known as Snowjobbedbythe...well, I think you get the point by now) had been taught that Witches were evil, horrifying beings which would strike you dead if you weren't wearing your magickal marvellous underwear, the weaving and selling of which was one of the underhanded ways El Dee Ess had built up her kingdom.
"What's the matter, child?" The Witch asked Phoebe gently, not meaning to pry or put her nose in where it's not wanted (a tactic of El Dee Ess which Witches loathe), but the Princess was just crying her eyes out, and the Witch was filled to bursting with compassion. Never having experienced real compassion before, Phoebe was naturally skeptical. Fortunately for Princess Phoebe (also known as Snowjobbedbythe TempleworkersinWhite), skepticism was a reaction frowned upon by El Dee Ess, so Phoebe smiled wanly at the Witch and spilled her guts completely, a reaction ingrained in her by El Dee Ess and the Bishop.
"Whoa there, little sister," the Witch interrupted the gut-spilling before it got downright vomitorious: "Sounds like what you need is a good course in empowerment to me!"
With the help of the Good Witch, gentle Princess Phoebe left the tyrannical clutches of El Dee Ess and the Bishop, and met a loving, handsome Pagan prince who called her "My Princess" and married her beneath a waterfall.
This is a true story, and they all lived happily ever after (except, of course, El Dee Ess and the Bishop: they died a slow death caused by terminal constriction of the Garments.)
Hello boys and girls, this is a story about good and evil.
Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a city made of salt. He went through the land building lavish and ostentatious castles, that only a few could enter. He had many loyal subjects and he gave them rules. He pretended that God spoke to him and many of the people believed.
One of the rules was if you sin you should repent. Of course the first step in repentance is recognition that you've done something wrong. Confessing you did something wrong to proper authorities. Next would be restitution to those who you offended. And then promising never to do it again.
He commanded all should follow his wisdom.
But when questioned by his followers about a little party in a beautiful meadow, he didn't really know if anything wrong had done.. It wasn't his to say he was sorry, because he doubted anyone would ever really know what went on. Besides his conjuring attorneys had advised it might not be smart to make any admissions of guilt. But rather suggested he spend thousands of dollars contributed by his followers. To make their story in bronze so all could read.
The moral of the story is God always speaks to prophets through his servants the attorneys.
05/23/2000 - anon
Enchanted imps and white salamanders are moving the Book of Mormon into the fairytale section of my library. (A frustrated BYU Librarian) Join me in the fight!! Move a book or two today.
05/07/2000 - anon
Once upon a time she was a Ladder-Day Princess but now... She's just the Queen of Denial
05/05/2000 - Jim A
Fairy Tales begin "Once upon a time"
Sailor Stories begin "Now this is no shit"
The Gospel begins "Verily Verily, I say unto you"
In a manuscript written in 1839, Reed Peck said that Joseph Smith claimed he had a revelation in which Apostle Peter told him that he had killed Judas: "He [Joseph Smith] talked of dissenters and cited us to the case of Judas, saying that Peter told him in a conversation a few days ago that himself hung Judas for betraying Christ..." (The Reed Peck Manuscript, p.13).
Although this doctrine was kept secret at first, when the Mormons were settled in Utah they began to teach it openly. On December 13, 1857, Heber C. Kimball, a member of the First Presidency, preached in the Tabernacle that Judas lost that saving principle, and they took him and killed him. It is said in the Bible that his bowels gushed out; but they actually kicked him until his bowels came out.... Judas was like salt that had lost its saving principles - good for nothing but to be cast out and trodden under foot of men.... It is so with you, ye Elders of Israel, when you forfeit your covenants.... I know the day is right at hand when men will forfeit their Priesthood and turn against us and against the covenants they have made, and they will be destroyed as Judas was (Journal of Discourses, vol.6, pp.125-26).
The Apostles minus John and Judas are sitting around the Temple casting lots.
Enter John, short of breath.
John: Peter, James and fellow brethren, I saw Judas down the road trying to solicit the village harlot for thirty silver pieces.
Peter: That scoundrel! Come brethren! It's time we got Apostolic on Judas' butt.
The Apostles leave the Temple in search of Judas. They find Judas trying to make the buy.
Judas: Hello Peter, James, John and all the other minor player Apostles. I was on my way to see you, after I closed the deal with this harlot (the lowly woman will remain nameless in keeping with the Book of Mormon tradition).
The Apostles surround Judas. Peter shoves Judas to the ground, and all the Apostles begin to pummel him.
Peter: James and John hold him still. I am going to kick his bowels out of him.
Peter beats Judas until his bowels gush from his body. The Apostles take Judas to a nearby tree, and hang his body.
The Apostles sit by the tree recounting their revenge against the traitor Judas. There is a lot of laughter and backslapping. They have perfomed the first blood atonement.
James and John: Peter, what are we going to do now? The day is young.
Peter: Boys let's head to the village. There's a lot of Jewish Elders that are about to experience an open can of whoop butt!
The Apostles cheer, and head towards town. Judas' body swings slowly back and forth in the morning breeze.
Joseph Smith in his best Paul Harvey impression: Now you know the rest of the story.
04/15/2000 - Brigham Smith
"Joseph and the Golden Plates"
"Deseret Nights" AKA "Ali-Brigham and the 40 Wives"
04/06/2000 - anon
Once upon a conference...
There was once a prophet who believed "image is everything. He loved new temple clothes and new doctrine more than anything and spent all of his time and all of the church's money on them. He had temple suits and ties of white silk and satin. He had so many suits and ties that he wore a different one every hour of the day.
Now, one day a pair of PR spin doctors came to Salt Lake City where the prophet lived. They heard how fond he was of suites and new doctrine, and so they came up with a plan.
They let it be known that they were especial PR experts and that the fabrics and doctrines they spin and weave were the most wonderful the world had ever seen. They bragged about being able to put the "P.R." back in the word "PR-ophet." Not only were the patterns and colors richer and more brilliant than the noon day sun, but the fabrics and doctrines had magic properties. Suits and sermons made from them would become instantly invisible and intelligible to anyone who was either a fool, unworthy or unfit for the church calling that they held.
"What wonderful clothes, suits, ties and doctrine they must be!" the prophet cried when he heard of them. "I must order some at once!"
The prophet summoned the PR spin doctor weavers to the Church Office Building, and gave them a no limit Zion's Bank Visa Gold card so that they could begin work immediately.
The PR spin doctors set up large looms and fast computer word processors. Then they ordered the finest silk and satin threads and the latest in organized religion marketing research. But these they hid away in their brief cases while day and night they pretended to work the empty looms and floppy diskless computers
"I wonder how the spin doctoring and weaving is going," the prophet said one day. He would have gone to see for himself, but he felt a little strange to think that the cloth would be invisible and the doctrine intelligible to anyone who was a fool or unworthy. So he decided to send his oldest and most trusted apostle, Boyd K Attacker, in his place. "He is very honest and very wise," the prophet said to himself. "Surely he will be able to tell me what the cloth looks like and what the new doctrine will be."
And so the senior apostle went to the room where the PR spindoctors sat working their looms and PC's. But although he opened his eyes as wide as he could, he could see nothing.
"But this is terrible!" he thought. "Can it be that I am really a fool and unworthy of my church calling?"
The PR spin doctors smiled and asked him what he thought of the beautiful cloth and the new "mainstream church doctrine.
Apostle Attacker turned bright red. "It is lovely!" he replied. "Indeed, I have never seen anything like it and the doctrine is devine."
Then the PR spin doctors described the cloth and doctrine in detail, telling the apostle of its radiant white colors and the marketable design of the doctrine. Apostle Attacker listened closely, so that he would be able to repeat the description to the prophet word for word.
And so the senior apostle told the prophet how wonderful the robes of righteousness and new mainstream doctrine was, and the prophet sent the PR spin doctors season tickets to all BYU football and basketball games.
Time passed. The prophet decided once again to see how the work was coming along. This time, he sent his faithful General Relief Society President, Sister Eliza Smith Young.
The faithful Relief Society President went down to the room where the PR spin doctors and weavers stood over their empty looms and PC's. She peered and peered through her thick spectacles. But no matter how hard she looked, she could see nothing.
"Oh, no!" cried the poor sister. "Can it be that I am secretly a fool, not worthy and not a good servant after all?" The thought was so dreadful that she dared not say that she could not see the cloth nor read the new doctrine. And so she, too, listened closely to everything the PR spin doctors and weavers said, and went back and told the prophet that the cloth and new doctrine was the most amazing stuff she had ever seen.
Now, the prophet decided that he would go see this marvelous cloth and new doctrine for himself. Surrounded by his two counselors, twelve apostles and church security guards, down he went to the room where the PR spin doctors were busy working.
When he came in the PR doctors bowed and smiled. They pretended to hold out lengths of their wonderful cloth and print outs of the new mainstream church doctrine. Naturally, all of the apostles and security guards dared not admit that they saw nothing. Instead, they all cried at once: "How lovely," and "How original," and "Have you ever seen anything to match it?" Then they insisted that the prophet immediately order a temple suit and tie made from this wonderful cloth to wear to the dedication ceremony of the new Conference Center that was to take place that very weekend.
The prophet turned quite pale. He rubbed his eyes. Then he rubbed them again, and he stared and stared. "My goodness!" he said to himself at last. "I can see nothing. Can it be that I am not fit or worthy to be the prophet of God?"
But aloud he said only: "What magnificent cloth and doctrine this is! It is even more wonderful than I dreamed!" The he ordered that the PR spin doctor weavers be given complimentary tickets to the Salt Lake City 2002 Winter Olympic Games and keys to the city in honor of their great skill.
The day before the solemn dedication, the PR spin doctors were seen working around the clock. All night long, the bright lights burned above their looms and PC's and early the next morning they presented themselves before the prophet.
"Your new robes of righteousness and mainstream doctrine are ready, sir!" they announced proudly.
Then they led the prophet along with a great many of his apostles and security guards to the holy of holies fitting room. There the PR spin doctors made the prophet take off all of his clothes so that he could try on his new temple suit and tie. When the prophet had undressed, the clever PR spin doctors made him put out his arms so that they could pull on his new shirt and jacket. Then they helped him with his new trousers and last of all, they pretended to lay a temple robe with a long train over the prophets right shoulder. Then, they drew back and stared at him in admiration as he modeled his new suit and preached his new mainstream doctrine.
"How do my new clothes look and does my new doctrine sound?" asked the prophet, turning around in front of the sealing room mirrors. All of his underlings cried at once: "What brilliant white color! What purity! What a fine design and delivery! This is truly the most remarkable temple suit you have ever worn and the most inspired sermon every delivered!"
Now the procession to the dedication was about to begin. Under a scarlet canopy, the prophet walked across temple square. The security guards who were to carry his train stood behind him lifting their hands as if they were really holding something, for no one dared say that he could not see the prophet's new temple suite nor understand his mainstream doctrine.
All along North Temple street the people gathered. "What a beautiful temple suit and sermon!" they cried. Never had any suit or sermon of the prophet's been so admired.
But then a little boy whispered: "But Mother, the prophet has nothing on and is mumbling nonsense!" "Shhh!" his mother cried. But it was too late.
"Did you hear what the child said?" one person whispered to another. "The prophet has nothing on and is mumbling madness."
Soon, they were all saying it: "The prophet has nothing on and he mumbles madness!"
The poor prophet turned red as red can be, for he knew that it was true. But there was nothing he could do about it. So he just lengthened his stride and kept marching along, and his general authorities and security guards marched behind him, still holding up his invisible priesthood robe train.
So ends the story of the prophet's new clothes and doctrine. - 03/12/3000 - cricket
I dindt really get the missianares mesage til I saw gilligan iland. Dip made the nefites landing verry clear to me. They had a small crew. They landed on a disant place. On gilligan iland they dresed up like nativ on one show. I now that this hapend in america too, but difernt, like my profit sayd ib hapend in the book of mormon insted. They languige got changed on gilligan iland too. Ib happed on that show when they strated saingin neder nabarner nornalenderbe...ect. What ip gilligan and they all got maried, an wer saigng that, and had kids before tey fergot all thos new words, and it took thowsans of years for us to find em too. They woold be speeking som other languige than wat they had back on the minow. It wood probaly sound someting like chinease. Dip ib wy they many languists confusd an think our nativ american languige remins them ob ashean. My profit sayd geronimo wab hebrew, an so wad pocohants an sitting blu, but dindt speek hebrewn or reformd egipptyan by the time wen we found them. Ip hab jus ben too long. I trus my profit. they spok a new languige ob they beatiful peeple. My profit sayd we now who these peeple relly are, an we gotta teech them the truth, becaud they and the scients don now what we now. Nefi family still could ob ben like gilligan family in tat way, but I now nefi wad a real profit in a real land. all it take ib for te baterry to run out on gilligan radio, an ip the bicickle generaderd broke, they cold all fergot how to unilize writing, an they all jus keep fergetin one word at atime untill they all speakin someting like ashean. Dip ib the long way. The short way ib ip god tricked around they languige an they dna jus to tets our fayth in wat my profit sayd and the book of mormon. Like wit the tower ob babble. - 03/04/2008 - wwwMortimerKnavelyCom
The moron church and religion are a fairly good Jairy Tale. - 01/02/2008 - jay
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