You may be a Ex-Mormon if ...

Exmormon if image of contemplation and happiness.

Yes, Ex-Mormons are a "peculiar people". Please submit any peculiarites that you have noticed in the box below.

When you start sleeping naked because, damnit it feels good. - 10/10/2014 - Lel

If you converted at age 18, didn't serve a mission, but remained a virgin, while your TBM true love gave her virginity away to a nevermo. Then you married her anyway, civilly, only to find that when the marriage got rocky, she writes to a "friend" on a mission, convinces him that she loves him, so he promised to " be there for her" when he returns from the mission, never mind that the couple by now has an infant child. You discover the deceit, ask for a divorce, get one, and from that moment on find out that your child is no longer yours, the ex-wife and mishie hubby conspire to hide their whereabouts for the next thirty years, so you have no contact with your child. Old " friends" in the church won't tell you where they are, because you are an apostate adulterer drug user, according to ex-wife. Yeah, telling all the truth is not always "useful", is it? Then when you finally find your adult child after thirty years, and develope a relationship, the ex-wife and her now SP hubby find out about it and guilt-trip the adult child into severing all contact with you, since it hurt their feelings that this relationship was going on w/out their knowledge! Yikes, if this happened to you, you might be an ex-moron too, even without " old white hat" cyphering scripture from a glowing stone with his hawk-like proboscis buried deep in the hat. - 09/09/2014 - Nomojoe

When you leave the church right out of high school and you realize, "I don't have to go on my mission and I can get married when I'm ready" - 01/03/2014 - Non Mormon whose 2nd home was Utah

When you find love and elope. Do you feel guilty for not telling family. Or do you secretly feel a sense of (how does it feel). After all you were not allowed to attend their wedings due to you being the youngest. You tell your mom what she always told you. "You're not missing anything". Or "You wouldn't understand if you were there" - 12/12/2013 - flake

when you realized that life could have been much better in high school without the church doctrine!!! all the partying and girls i missed out on! - 10/17/2013 - anon

you've forgotten what you used to do on Sunday before you "converted"

you consider moving in with your other half before you're married;

you don't plan to be a stay-at-home mum just because the "prophet" says so;

you pick up a 4-pack of beer as you do your shopping;

you can walk through Ann Summers without being embarrassed or not knowing where to look;

you swear when you're pissed, in pain or surprised, because it feels good;

you listen to whatever music you want, whether there's swearing in it or not;

you don't worry about family members and friends not being able to come if you decide to get married;

and you do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want, including all of the above, without feeling like a satan-led freak. - 10/12/2013 - newnuela

When you wonder how you could have been so ignorant and narrow-minded about the flaws of the LDS church in the past - 09/10/2013 - anon

A year ago I was begging my doctor to up my anti depressant dosage. Now I need suppressants instead from laughing so hard at what I used to believe! - 08/08/2013 - Helen

When you realize that Jesus wasn't some blue-eyed white dude from the middle ages.

When you finally wake up and realize, "Holy S#@t!! It's ALL true; The head in the Hat, treasure hunting and the Jupiter talisman. Oh and talking salamanders...

When you're a white mormon boy from Utah and realize the those molly Mormon white girls just won't do "it" for you.., Cuz once you go black, you never go back!! - 02/01/2013 - 6th Gen. Mormon

When you visit another church and realize how cool it is to clap your hands.

When you are black and remember how much better Kirk Franklin sounds on Sunday mornings.

When you are black and you realize that them crackers aint neva gonna have a black apostle.

When you are black and you are shocked to learn that Utah was a slave state...smh

When you are black and you realized how lame those YSA dances were anyway...I should have went to the club! - 02/01/2013 - Chocolate Saint

You don't feel guilty about looking at picture of naked women anymore. - 02/02/2012 - Happy Valley Heathen

You are just now realizing that popcorn does not grow on apricot trees. - 01/12/2012 - Sunshine

You might be a former TBM (True Believing Mormon) if...

You french kissed your first girlfriend for hours but when she wanted to dry hump you declined because you wanted to feel worthy to bless the sacrament the next day.

A few months before your mission, you had to see your bishop because you woke up one morning with your hand around your penis and thought you had masturbated.

You were married before you learned how to masturbate, and even then you felt guilty about it.

You secretly hate garments because they make your gorgeous 23 year old wife look about as sexy as her 70 year old grandma.

While married, you fantasize about having had premarital sex with your wife. (Both of you were virgins on your wedding night.)

Your wife mentions to your bishop that you are starting to question the church, and he immediately asks if you are into pornography. (Because "no one" leaves the church for any reason other than unresolved sin.)

Your bishop asks you to wear a white shirt to sacrament meeting, and you ask him to show you in the Church Handbook of Instructions where it says you have to do that. (He can't.)

You didn't believe in evolution until you heard it taught in Biology 100 at BYU. Then, you start to realize that maybe God isn't necessary for explaining the universe.

You were well into your twenties before you started to have original thoughts.

You are starting to get past your bitterness and laugh a little over some of the hokey things you did as a believing mormon. - 03/22/2009 - Queen Benjiman

You donate Marital Aids to Deseret industries, just for the fun of it - 11/16/2008 - anon

When you walk into your parents house and the pictures of 'Jesus' really creap you out (I swear those eyes move)

When you want to stop the poor boys young on their fruitless missions to stop trudging around in the rain and go for a swim in a heated pool (because the devil wouldn't want to lurk at the bottom of a public pool on the off chance of a pot luck drowning)

When your in labour and the only answer you want to give to the offering of a blessing would offend even the hospital cleaners who just left jail a week ago ! - 10/04/2008 - Cybi

You no longer think that Sean Hannity receives revelation - 07/03/2008 - ty

You realize that organized religion is like the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) for heaven. All of that unecessary hoop jumping and those smug self righteous people don't make much sense on earth. Why in the hell would a benevelant all powerful being follow our example. - 04/03/2008 - proudapostate

You look at that painting of Lehi's dream and automatically think. "I would be one of those guys walking around in the gray area." And the funny thing is, you begin to pitty the folk hanging on to the rod. - 04/03/2008 - proudapostate

You finally realize that procreative powers and sex are the same thing - 03/27/2008 - proudapostate

When your fishing buddies insist its time for you to purchase your own beer for once. - 02/28/2008 - oldrasputin

You know you are going to end up in spirit prison when you die. - 01/03/2008 - joseph smith x

When you absolutely scandalize the few True Believing Mormon galpals who still speak to you by wolf-whistling at the missionaries and fluttering your heavily-black-eyelined lashes at them as they walk by.

When you plunk down about 8 books on Egypt in front of your TBM mother and proceed to instill reasonable doubt (for a second) in her that the Book of Abraham "might" not be an actual translation.

When you are asked the question, "Sister ______, are you wearing your garments?", you respond honestly, "No, I don't wear underwear."

When you find a deep, deep sense of personal satisfaction watching the horror spread across their faces as they realize what you mean about not wearing underwear, and slowly back away before hastening down the hall.

When you have yet another theological argument with your mom right before the missionaries come to call on her, and just as she opens the door, you fire your parting shot loud enough for the mishies to hear: "If you heard that at BYU, it doesn't @#$%ing count!" - 10/14/2007 - Lilith

if you can't handle living the way the Lord wants you do, because it's too hard! - 10/07/2007 - Self Righteous Saint

When you realize God loves you inspite of how you're dressed (be that a tanktop or turtleneck) - 07/12/2007 - anon

You can "bare" your "testimony" without the words: Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, Profit, or The Church. - 05/15/2007 - unducuvah

You have a career outside of the home and you enjoy it! - 05/04/2007 - nonyabiz

Being a return Missionary means nothing to the kind of women you pursue. - 05/01/2007 - renovatio

When you realize, "my sister, cousin, etc. does not have to wait outside the temple while I get married" - 03/25/2007 - from oohawewow

You give away that copy of Mormon Doctrine to charity--but not before writing "D&C 132" on the inside cover with a big, black marker. - 03/25/2007 - Tan Audel

You are praying with a group of people and you realize that folding your arms actually makes you look like you are mad. - 03/25/2007 - from butterfly517

You start hanging out with people you grew up with from church. not to talk about jesus, but to smoke some pot. - 03/10/2007 - tamm

When you take a certain pleasure in "taking the lord's name in vain" - 03/10/2007 - anon

you watch the South Park epsisode on Mormonism and you think to yourself, "Shit, I used to really believe that!" - 02/10/2007 - oohawewow

The only reason you have not been excommunicated is because they will not give you a caligraphed certificate suitable for framing.

You start swearing when you remember what happened to all of your friends from your youth when they grew up and tried to leave the church.

You get a secret satisfaction ordering alcoholic coffee drinks. - 07/24/2005 - anon

If you get the sudden urge to reach out and push the missionaries off there bikes. - 07/10/2005 - anon

You wave at the Mormon family across the street at least 6 times on Sunday as 3 different carloads of them leave for their allotment of meetings which start and end at different times.

While they are gone, you mow the lawn, wash and vacuum your cars, straighten up the garage, and enjoy a cold one on the porch before the last one has returned back. Try to keep a straight face when they comment on how nice your yard looks and they don't know how you find the time. - 07/10/2005 - anon

... you drive down I-15 and see an LDS singles billboard, and say to yourself "I can't get out of this state fast enough". - 05/21/2005 - from chainmailleman

... you refer to Happy Valley as being the smooth dip between your wifes breast and not some oppressed polygamist town in Utah. - 05/01/2005 - from rooman

... you know more about mormon history, The Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith after a few hours on the internet than 50 years of attending Primary, Mutual, Seminary, Relief Society, Sacrament Meeting, Institute, BYU, Priesthood, Conferences, etc.! - 03/27/2005 - Happy Exmormon!

... you are convinced your better off using common sense instead of dogma and love to make jokes about what a dunce you were to feel better about yourself. - 02/11/2005 - from Randy

... you SHAVE!

... you consider taking a wine tour (just for the scenery of course).

... you think about the best way to tell your parents that you just bought a house with your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or significant other.

... you realize that all your x's mom's stories about getting naked in the temple were true and you threw up.(not because you got an image of her in your head, but's true).

... your dad tells his father-in-law (who is "non practicing") that he looks like Brigham Young now that he's growing a beard, and you laugh so hard that one of your grandma's salads(she has 1000's) shoots staight out of your nose. - 01/29/2005 - wingnut

... never having to sit through a temple ceremony again causes a burning in your bossom.

... the thought of wearing a bakers hat and apron brings back bad memories.

... the sound of 3 "distict" taps is the pizza delivery guy at your door and not the old dude escorting you to the vail.

... you feel really sorry for the poor soul who has to do the washings and anointings at the temple.

... your wife doesn't have to say "this is the place" on your wedding night! - 01/07/1005 - rooman

... you are waiting for the "prophet" to reveal his revelation that homosexuality is really not that bad....wait for it. - 0106/2005 - anon

... you feel really sorry for the poor soul who has to do the washings and anointings at the temple. - 01/07/2005 - Shane

... when you finally have some money left over at the end of the month by not paying tithing so you actualy can feed your family. 0 12/25/2004 - anon

... when your new name is the one your wife gives you when you do something stupid!

... wearing a white pancho naked while a guy blesses your loins doesn't seem natural.

... asked "what is wanted", you don't instantly start trying to remember the first sign and token of the melkezidick priesthood! - 04/12/17 - shanepannel

... you feel sorry for those 2 teenage boys your see in white shirts and black pants riding a bike in Arizona in the middle of July to spread the phony words of hypocritical, money-loving whore mongers whose ambition in life is to control people because of their inhuman greed! - 12/17/2004 - anon

... you finally get a tan on that pasty body because you can wear clothes that actually show it off. - 11/21/2004 - Never again a hypocrite

... your years as a Mormon are something you don't like to tell people about, because it is too embarassing. - 11/20/2004 - from Brapamiah, the Farting Prophet

... It's the last day of the month and you feel no need to rush out and visit people you don't really care about. - 11/11/04 - from sketch finally manage to be in the world AND of the world. - 09/19/2004 - anon

...your friends no longer have to censor their behavior to avoid offending you-- because you behave the same way. - 09/19/2004 - kit finally realize after years of attempting to live anonymously among the gentiles that you will never really be able to communicate effectively with a non-Mormon. - 09/12/2004 - billeh

You really *have* forgotten what your body looked like under your garments (Did I have this tummy before I got married?)

When you're next date depends upon you saving the money for your favorite hooker(oops), escort.

...if something bad happens to you and your first impulse isn't that it's the work of the adversary. let your child use your old book of mormon as a soccerball. do spring cleaning and end up with not a religious book left in the house.

...75% of your movie collection is R-rated.

When you run out of milk on Sunday and don't think twice about running to the store to get more.

When you finally stop thinking of yourself as a second class citizen because you're female.

When you start encouraging your little girls to go to college for something other than their Mrs. degree.

When you suggest to your kids that maybe it would be better if they wait to get married or perhaps consider living together first. - 07/19/2004 - anon

... when you think that there is something that you can.... No, I guess just when you think! - 07/11/2004 - anon

... your plumbing leaks and you utter every expletive in the book trying to fix it instead of saying "This gosh darn thing is ticking me off to heck!" - 04/04/15 - Crazy Cat Lady

... 'Sunday's best' is the same outfit as 'Saturday's best.'

... the scene of little old ladies bearing tearful testimonies makes you laugh out loud.

... the scene of 5 year old kids bearing testimonies whispered in their ear makes you cry.

... you refer to President Hinckley as Gordo, or President Wrinkley during talks or lessons.

... you've ever done a bullshit cough, (*cough* Bullshit *cough*) after someone announces from the pulpit that, "I know this church is true."

... after seeing you stand and walk up the aisle during F&T meeting, the bishop jumps to the podium and says, "That's all the time we have for today. We will close this meeting by singing hymn number......"

... the most common phrase uttered to your spouse is, "It must be so hard."

... you immediately fold your new hometeaching list into a paper airplane and fly it down the hall hitting the EQ president in the head.

... when teaching Gospel Doctrine, you decide to veer off the manual and introduce a new topic, "If polygamy is reinstated, who in this room would you choose as a plural wife?"

... a court order restricts you from coming within 100 yards of any church building, you might be an apostate. - 03/30/2004 - Jeff Foxworthy realise that "no candle burns forever" and your life is what YOU make of it. - 02/02/2004 - from DvorakTypist

..realize you actually like oral sex. - 01/09/2003 - from jules

you get a letter saying you have been excommunicated. - 11/20/2003 - anon

You can take a vacation, and it's NOT to a church-related historic site, or to the "motherland" for genealogy work, but rather to a tropical beach with palm trees and rum-drinks in coconuts. - 09/20/2003 - from former RC, former LDS

You begin to realise that having ten kids was not such a good idea.

You miss the creche facility on a Sunday.

You have to explain individually to each kid why you don't go to church anymore.

You have a lot of free time and don't know what to do with it.

You look forward to a Sunday lie in.

You talk to people because you want to, not because you're told to.

You visit houses in pairs, and are invited.

You see another contradiction in Mormon doctrine, but don't try to get your head about it.

You have 99 tv channels which you can now watch, but don't because most are bad anyway, not because you'd go to Hell.

You start to notice that there's plenty of other groups pretty much like the Mormons.

You don't attend social functions in basketball courts.

Everyone can come to your marriage.

You find you need a translator when speaking to your old church friends.

You no longer have to surgically remove your underwear.

You no longer have to surgically remove someone else's underwear.

You only wear a suit on rare occasions.

You don't force yourself to "admire" any church leaders who bore you.

You have a better testimony of Jack Daniels than Joe Smith.

When you hear President, George W Bush is the FIRST person to spring to mind.

You think some of this website is funny (!)

You admit to reading this website.

You prefer the parable of the stripping cheerleaders to the stripling warriors.

You're on a healthy diet that doesn't include cookies and cupcakes.

You can no longer remember the full name of the church, nor care.

You think Utah is remote.

Thou speakest not like this nay more.

You have a testimony of Sports Illustrated.

You believe "Mormonism" is "Communism" and "Fascism" at the same time.

You realise all LDS churches look the same - or most of the new ones anyway. - 09/13/2003 - from Dr Nephihaha

You take a trip to Europe and don't want to convert every peasant that you meet. - 09/13/2003 - from monkey_enterprise a black person you don't feel like everyone is looking at you wondering why you're here. - 7/16/2003 - anon

Sunday mornings are not spent feeling guilty. Instead, one gets up and makes ones wife breakfast in bed.

A lazy sunday morning snuggling in bed, and lazily making love, and more snuggling, and more long slow enjoyable tenderness.

Not feeling like a louse for missing church.

Making your woman happy.

Appreciating her intelligence and her indepedence. Holding her in your arms and listening to her dreams, whilst hearing the raindrops pitter patter upon the bedroom skylight, and ignoring the house cat scratching at the door. Realising that sometimes a womans career should come before your own. - 05/30/2003 - from Moongrim have a sewing machine, but use it to make SCA garb instead of quilts - 05/30/2003 - from Adrienne

You finally know more about the relatives that are still alive than you do about the dead ones. 05/18/2003 - anon

You realize every weekend has two days instead of just one. - 01/03/2003 - anon

When you can look at your nude body in the mirror, and not feel embarrassed, or get the sudden urge to hurry up and put your clothes on. - 09/15/20002 - from Wah buy a new car, and it's a two-seater. - 06/06/2002 - from Arclight

...when you no longer have to screen your calls to avoid the missionaries when they call to ask why you were not at church today. - 05/31/2002 - Fik^..^

...When you finish prayers with 'I say these things in the name of Playelder.'

... When you realize that the thinking has not only not been done, but that it has hardly begun. 07/07/2001 Major Fudd

...Your idea of a cool car is a Volkswagen convertible 07/04/2001 seetruth

...You start Sunday morning with a Bloody Mary! n/t - 07/04/2001 -Schweizerkind

...The gorgeous guy from church you always hoped would ask you out suddenly does, and now you don't want to go out with him anymore and turn him down. 07/04/2001 sunflower

...You run out of dust rags and then remember you've got those cotton garmies stuffed away in a drawer that would be just perfect! - 07/04/2001 Persephone think those Sunstoners are way, way too Mormon! nt - 07/04/2001 - (Fly: unregistered)

...You decide not to hide the wine when the TBM family visits.nt - 07/04/2001 - (JohnC: unregistered)

...You watch 15 seconds of General Conference on TV and exclaim, "Oh brother!" and gleefully switch to HBO. 07/04/2001 Ex-caliber

...You invite a TBM to play golf on Sunday -- knowing that they will decline -- just to remind them of what they could be doing while they listen to the tenth kid mumble "I know Joseph Smith was a profit". 07/04/2001 JohnC have enough cash in your bank account to cover your rent (and a couple Coronas!). n/t 07/04/2001 (Soho Preacher: unregistered)

...Your new favorite Sunday activity is shopping at Victoria's Secret:) n/t - 07/04/2001 Becki

...You no longer feel guilty about your natural tendencies/impulses, thoughts, desires, emotions, etc. 07/04/2001 nomorefear1

1. ...when you're wearing women's boxer-briefs, a camisole, AND a brassier under your jeans and sweatshirt, and still feel just a bit too exposed.
2. ...when you can't think of anything to wipe up that spill with, and suddenly it dawns on you: absorbent, soft, old, cotton garments!
3. ...when someone asks what ward you're in, and you say "Sorry, I've never been a mental patient. Maybe you mistook me for my sister."
4. ...when you finally stop participating in anything with the word 'potluck' in the title.
5. ...when you fully expect a wedding invitation from your friends and family.
6. ...when someone invites you to a religious service and your first response is, "I'd love to," rather than "I don't think that would be appropriate. I'll have to talk to my Bishop."
7. ...when you stop capitalizing words like elder, bishop, priest, high priest, and The Church. In fact, when you stop assuming everyone knows what you mean by The Church.
8. ...when you throw out all the Jell-O products, don't replace the pasta and rice when you've used up the last, and have only enough fresh foods for this week's meals, instead of a bunch of old, dried stuff that your grandmother socked away.
9. ...when you give your food dehydrator to Goodwill and use that space for your new barbecue grill or, better yet, wine rack.
10. ...when you get ill and call 911 for emergency care, instead of a worthy priesthood holder. 07/04/2001 - Dana Kazmerinski

...when sex lasts more than 3 minutes. NT 07/04/2001 Peep forget to pick up non-caffienated sodas for your TBM relatives at the family gathering. Or when you have to remind yourself to. get culture shock when you walk into your neighbor's living room which has pictures of Jesus and little porceline temples everywhere.

...nobody asks you to bless the food anymore. kick yourself for feeling embarassed when renting rated-R movies (or worse!)

...someone mentions the word "prophet" and you automatically think "kook" feel free to grow a beard or let your hair grow long. actually consider getting a tattoo and/or piercings. throw out all your BYU fan merchandise and wouldn't be caught dead in them, and you apologize to your Ute-fan friends and family for your foolishness. wonder if people are staring at you when you order coffee or alcohol. actually give a crap about the envirnonment and wildlife, realizing the earth is NOT an endless resource for your consumption.

...someone says "anti" and you laugh instead of recoiling in fear. find yourself having to re-learn how to think. have to rethink your opinion of cussing. Maybe people who swear aren't stupid, lazy, or bad after all. trust 'gentiles' more than 'wholesome' Mormons.

...when it's a Sunday and you're out flying a kite with your kids with plans to go out to eat afterwards. looks rosy and you feel like you're good enough and maybe even fabulous! have freedom and personal autonomy and YOU're making all the decisions about YOUR life. 07/04/2001 Awena

...when you think one wife will do. NT - 07/04/2001 Redneck

...When you son comes home from a mission in a pine box and you're happy about it. n/t - 07/04/2001 Moablo

...When Pastor Harry sound like Brigham Young, and you avoid both like the plague 07/04/2001 Exmo

...its been months and you realize you havent once thought'what would the profit do..."n/t 07/04/2001 believed once

Comment Section

When you forget how to spell, forget that just because two words sound alike does not make them alike (one "bears" testimony, one does not "bare" testimony), and when you forget the meaning of maturity and civil discourse. - 02/28/2012 - Boofus


It's fun to ask the clerks at Snelgroves for a cup of coffee, even though you can see the dust all over the coffee maker and clearly not one of them know "how in the heck" to use it.

List of real excuses: "we're out", "our machine is broken", "uh, do we serve coffee?" and (my favorite) "that's ignernt". - 04/03/2008 - Rsatz


Post your "Mormon if" or comments in this text box.

Name or handle:

E-Mail - leave blank to remain anonymous:


Home - Site Map