Patriarchal Blessings

Please post any comments about patriarchal blessings in the text box at the bottom of this page. Compare your blessing with those of LDS Prophets and with other Salamander Society readers . The following links will connect you to real patriarchal blessing that have been posted on the net. Compare yours with theirs. PB#1 - PB#2 - PB#3 - PB#4 - PB#5 - PB#6 - PB#7 - PB#8 - PB#9 - PB#10 - PB#11

I had a lot of friends in my home ward when teens we all got our patriarchal blessings about the same time. There was only 1 stake patriarch at the time so we all got them from the same guy. After we were all blessed and got the transcripts back, we were comparing some of the details in church. Almost everyone's blessing said they would be alive when the 2nd coming took place. This was very exciting to all of us of course. We knew it would happen!

I'm wondering how long these people will have to wait to realize they've been deceived. Especially since one of the boys there was killed in a car accident not long ago.

I recently have had to go through my mother's desk while she is in the hospital so that I can pay her bills and take care of her affairs.

My mother did not get her patriarchial blessing until she was in her late 70's. She just never felt it was important. I know her bishop pressured her to get the blessing.

My father died when my mother was 64 and he was a never mo who disliked the Mormon church very much. I know my mother had told this to the bishop.

Anyway, I came across mom's p. blessing in her desk accidently. In my mother's blessing the patriarch goes on and on about how my mother will very soon find a temple worthy husband in this life who will be sealed to her for eternity and they will have children together (what the ?????) and they will convert many people on the earth and do loads of genealogy together and .... well you get the picture. I was never so hurt and angery at the same time. My mother and father had a great, loving marriage. My mother never wanted to be with anyone else but my father, especially after he died, yet nothing was mentioned about him at all even though my mother had him sealed to her after he died. And by the sound of the blessing, I think Mom's bishop fed a lot of personal and specific details about our family to the patriarch, that the patriarch could not have otherwise known, so as to manipulate my mother into staying active and possibly going on a senior mission. Mom NEVER wanted to go on a senior mission and kept turning him down when he would ask her to put in papers.

I really thought I was past the anger I felt towards Mormonism but this really got me steamed. My mother is no longer active in Mormonism and she knows the things I've told her about Joseph Smith and Mormon history are true. But I almost tore that piece of paper to shreds over what I feel was a meddling bishop trying to disrespect my father's memory and mocking what was a very good marriage. The bishop never even met my father. Frankly, I think it had no effect on my mother at all. Thank goodness she never took that garbage seriously. I am anxious to know how she felt about it at the time.

I looked anxiously forward to getting the "official" God authorized psychic reading..er, I mean patriarchal blessing. The old guy was a nice enough man and was well respected in the community.

I met him at his home where we went privately to a room that was more like a lawyers den with a LOT of books. He didn't fuss around with any preliminary interview. I don't recall much of any of what I felt about that day when I was 18, just a few months prior to going on a mission.

I could hardly remember a word he spoke when he laid hands on me. But when I picked up the written two page letter, he mentioned something to me that I thought was a bit bizarre. He said if it hadn't been for the tape recording, he would not have believed it himself what he pronounced. He said that the whole time his hands were on my head, all he could think about was the basketball game he was at previous to giving me the reading that night. He said the spirit must have dictated the words because he was not in the right frame of mind when I arrived. WTF?

Mine too is generic to a point, but there are somethings that are just, well they're way out there like he really must have had his brain on something else to have even mentioned the promises that he did. It sure made me feel important and that I must have been very valiant in the pre-existence. I was more certain than ever that God had spoken to me personally through his mouthpiece.

What a mind game they play to get you hooked!

Michaela, The Chosen Goddess of Flowing Rich hair and lovely teeth, Through the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood, which I hold whenever I give my son a hug, by virtue of my having been ordained a Steak eater who prefers medium but not too well done steak, in accordance with thy righteous and pounding desires, I place my hands upon this keyboard which serves as proxy for thy full luscious head of chestnut brown hair and give you a Patriarchial Blessing and Jam, forthwith known by all that are holy and righteous as the P B and J. Not to be confused with Peanut Butter and Jam which are sustenance for the youth and youthful adults whom have not yet exceeded such youthful desires.

I pray and type simultaneously that these words will be a source of inspiration, or perspiration, or at least constipation and enlightenment through all the days of your life, or at least a week, assisting in the accomplishment of all purposes for which you were placed on the earth at this time.

Michaela, your life's mission is to be gorgeous and lovely and of good report cards, to which you will judge and grade papers all the days of your life, or until you retire with a meager teacher's retirement, at which then you'll only grade papers for bonus cash. You will have a measure of success and possibly some accolades, lots of devoted kid fans, and some approving parents, as well as the cooperation of your egg headed administrative officials, which got elected because they slept with someone, or their dad has money or some other stupid reason.

Either way, you will find great fulfillment in your endeavors to bring up the children of God, or some other entity, or maybe just the offspring and spawn of human beings up in the ways of smartness and brightness and of goodly multiplication skills, which it is deemed they should know in order to multiply and replenish the earth. It is decreed from this day forth that multiplying by one or two are acceptable forms of multiplication as the earth is pretty dang full and does not require us to multiply by larger digits. Practicing multiplication without actually having a remainder is encouraged.

As a missionary for the divine plan of salivation, you shall spit and not be weary, curse and not faint, and you shall gird up your loins a lot because apparently the really good folks do a lot of loin girding. Of the girdle thou shalt not wear since spandex can cause internal indigestion, which I the Lord of Good Digestion deem unholy and unrighteous. Thou shalt wear thy loose sarong at times of leisure and joyful frolicking in the woods, which it has been written are perfect for lovely wood nymphs to frolic in, saronged or not.

Of the pagan rituals shalt thou engage frequently as thy presence brings a sort of ethereal beauty to the more aged and saggy attendees of the festivals and thou shalt frolick with unbridled glee, kicking thy heels up and making thy jiggly parts jiggle, for the enjoyment of all who like jiggly things. Of the dance and gleeful gyrations thou shalt partake freely, but of the awkward gestures and ungainly movements thou shalt shun and leave to thy jester, Insanad, for she hath perfected such movements beyond what any can emulate.

Your travels abroad to the far seas and shores of distant lands will give thee great joy and interesting food, of which thou shalt eat liberally, but of the haggis thou shalt not eat, for it is writteneth that haggis is foul, like unto the filth of sewage, and hath nasty bits and grey skins, which I the Lord of good food hath deemed unfit for the consumption of my Saints. Of the good food shalt thou partake and of the good drink shalt thou imbibe, till thy cheeks are ruddy and thy tongue loosed, and in that intoxicated condition shalt thou confess thy desires to thy mates, and they shalt hold such things sacred, till a good time to blackmail thee, and then shalt thou deny every licentious word. Thy virtue and goodliness shall make their words false, for it shall be known that thou are a goodly and holy righteous virtuous woman, with chestnut hair and lovely teeth.

You are of the house of Lloyds of London, which it is deemeth that you are a real prize, and of such your value cannot be purchased or even appropriately bid upon, unless it be by insanely wealthy men, of whom shall have to prove their worthiness in more than their filthy lucre. All blessings shall come to thee by the gifts of thine own intellect and thy hard work, and by thy cleverness of thought. Of other blessings shalt thou enjoy, but only because they are free and abundant, but if a worthy wealthy man offers to pay thy way, thou shalt take him up on it. For it is writteneth that being liberated shall not always mean that thou has to take the check or go dutch. For I the Lord of fair trade deemeth it so.

In that thou maintain thy ethereal beauty thou shalt have no end of suitors, but thou shalt pick and choose at will, and when thou grow weary and not faint, but just grow weary, thou shalt get a new suitor, which thou shalt enjoy for a while, fornicating like bunnies at Ricks (BYU Idaho), but of the wedded bliss shalt thou not continually partake. In time thou shalt find that thy own company is good and pleasant, and thy abundance of friends shalt thou find sustenance in, but of the long marriage shalt thou avoid, till thou wisheth it to be different.

Be instrumental in thy teaching and the windows of the old school in Pennsylvannia shall be open unto thee for the breezes, which I send upon the earth for thy pleasure, and to cool the sweat of thy brow. Of the air conditioning it is not written that thou shalt partake for in that part of the country it is not common, but if thou comest to Vegas, it is considered necessary and vital to thy loins and other parts which get hot and sweaty.

As thy earthly calling winds its way down, thou shalt look forward to life hereafter, which may or may not include something really cool, but if it does, I the Lord of Good Illusions deemeth that thou shalt inherit palaces, mansions, and lots of Maids named Lupe to maintain them, and some servants named Hedeki, for in the Japanese Gardner shalt thou find great fastidiousness, which I the Lord of tidy gardens deemeth lovely and of good report.

As it is writteneth thou shalt come forth in the first resurrection, or maybe the second, but surely not the third since this is reserved for those who were late on their student loan payments, but in the first and second resurrection, which shalt be like unto waking up from a good rest, shalt thou find thy luxurious hair untangled, and thy teeth gleaming, and all thy papers eternally and continually graded, and of thy students thou shalt find bright and obedient and very clever ones who catch on quickly and sit still for Christssake. Of the chalk or whiteboard thou shalt never want. Of Early Out Wednesdays thou shalt have in abundance, verily, seven in a row, and of Spring Break shalt thou continually spend thy days.

I seal these blessings upon your lovely head, conditional Michaela upon your being sufficiently gorgeous and intelligent , of which I the Lord of liberal judgement deemeth so, therefore, I seal you to come forth in the morning after a good cup of coffee, and in the life to come, or whatever happens, but regardless, Amen, Even in the name of Hay-Soos, de Monte Cristo, Amen, and Amen.

I served a mission in England. I was once eating dinner at a patriarchs house. He told me that he was petrified when he was called to be patriarch back in the early sixties. He was, believe it or not, a fairly new convert. They must have been desperate to fill the slot. Right after he was called, he and a bunch of other patriarchs met at a stake center where an apostle was waiting to train them. He said that all the training amounted to was about five hours of looking through piles and piles of old blessings. There was hardly any real training at all besides reading blessings that were hand picked by the church as good examples for the patriarchs to model future blessings on.

What was weird is he didn't seem to think this made the calling any less real or bogus in any way. PB's are for the weak to hang on to in order to feel special among all the same conformist bullshit.

I am giving a name and a blessing to my new car. Please reply with your "amen".

Now everybody bow your heads...

"Our Heavenly Father By the Power of the Holy Milk Chocolatey Priesthood which I hold, I present before Thee this 2006 automobile.

The name by which this car shall be known both in the World and on the records of RfM shall be, "Kia Pet".

Kia Pet, I now feel inspired to give unto you this blessing...You shall be an excellent car. You have been blessed by your manufacturer with a strong 60,000 mile bumper to bumper warranty and a 100,000 mile powertrain warranty. Indeed, your manufacturer has blessed you abundantly.

At this time I bless you that you will be strong and never fail. Life might bring some dissapointments but you will overcome the temptations to fail your owner in times of need.

I bless you with a long and healthy life. That you will be faithful in providing me service and thus fulfill the measure of your creation.

All of these blessings I pronounce upon your hood, In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN."

_____________________________________

Health in the engine, marrow in the tires, strength in the driveshaft AMEN!!! - Turnip

I had a sunday school teacher who was absolutely psycho about everyone getting their PB by the time they were 12 so they could properly plan their life. (Not so helpful as it was the 16 year old class. duh) Anyway, I felt wracked with guilt that I didn't have mine even though I was already pretty uncomfortable with the church and thought a lot of it was BS. But, I promptly and dutifully made an appt with the old guy that did the psychic readings or whatever.

I was very nervous about it, not excited nervous but scared nervous. I didn't invite my family to go with even though they really wanted to make a big family event out of it (I'm their oldest).

I showed up at his house. He had an old lady there with a steno pad to record it. He was just an old guy. Nothing special about him. No sense of special powers, not giving off any cool vibes. Nothing, just an old smelly guy.

So, he does his thing, puts his hands on my head, and rambled on, "I'd be a great teacher in the church, married in the temple, many wonderful children, basically I could be anything I set my mind to." Just blather. It could have been any one's. I was so disappointed I went home and bawled. I think my parents were worried that something awful had happened but I wouldn't ever talk about it to anyone.

I guess I had really expected it to be something special for me or at least specific to me.

What a crock of shit. And come to find out--Way off. I'm not a teacher, hell, I don't even work. I don't have a quiver of kids, And best of all, I'm not in the church anymore. Guess he didn't see that coming down the tracks.

On a positive note, I have a friend, Cherylla, who thinks she's a palm reader. She's read a lot of books and what not on palm readings and she hangs out with other psychics to get in the "groove." She does a ton of readings and damn if she's not better at guessing people's future than that silly old man I went to see. Plus it's a great way for her to meet good looking guys. Email me if you want a reading-- I promise it'll be at least as good if not better than the PB!

When I had become a new convert, I truly did believe everything that was taught to me. I was especially looking forward to being given my Patriarchal Blessing.

I'd even prepared for it by fasting for a day. When I arrived to receive my Patriarchal Blessing, the Patriarch seated me and we began. To be honest, I wasn't listening at all, I was in tears because of how emotional I was at the time. I was also relieved to be declared from the lineage of Ephraim.

Nearing the end of the Blessing, I felt what seemed like a jolt on the inside as if something was abruptly departing me. The Patriarch began to close and the Blessing was done.

I don't know or can't explain what that sudden zap was, but I'll always remember it, and because of that, I'll never be able to leave the church with a good reason.

This is a Patriarchal Blessing given to my great great grandmother, Emma Rosine Larsen, sometime before 1886 by K. H. Brenn, in Brigham City. Take particular note of the areas in bold:

Sister Emma, in the name of the Lord God of Israel, and by authority of the Holy Priesthood, I lay my hands upon thy head and seal upon thee a Father's and a Patriarchal Blessing, and all the promises that belong to the new and everlasting covenant. Thou art thought the noblest of heart and desires, beloved of the Lord and his Angels have special care over thee, that thou may live to help, to labor in the redemption of thy father and mother's kindred and friends that are dead.

Thou art of the House of Joseph, that was sold into Egypt, and heir to all the blessings, power, and keys that belong to that Holy Lineage. The blessings of the Lord are awaiting thee for as thou grow and increase in years, thy mind shall grow and expand and thou shall grow in wisdom and knowledge and strength that be given unto thee, according to thy days, for great responsibilities are awaiting thee, for the time will come when thou, in the Holy House of the Lord shall receive a companion with whom thou shall raise up a posterity that shall be accepted of the Lord, for wisdom shall be given unto thee, and the Spirit of inspiration and in His own time, shall thou be annointed a Queen and a Priestess to thy companion forever and ever.

Thou shall receive blessings from the earth, thy table shall never lack for the cherished things of the earth, and through thy hospitality, thy home shall be a resting place, where many of the saints of God shall delight. Thou shall live and see the redemption of Zion and stand in thy lot as a Mother of Israel, come forth in the morning of the First Resurrection and in conversion with thy companion, receive Kingdoms, Thrones, Principality, and power and a Celestial Crown in the Redeemer's Kingdom. These blessings I seal upon thy head by authority of my holy calling as a patriarch and in the name of Jesus Christ. So be it. Amen.

Emma died when she was 24 years old giving birth to her first child. Real inspired there, Patriarch Brenn.

I recieved my patriarchial blessing at the age of 23. I had spent the last few years of my life drinking and having a good old time and came crawling back to the church when my marriage to an alcoholic non-member started to crumble. I was certain that all my miseries were caused by my disobedience and falling away.

Of course my PB told me all the usual stuff, I was to be a mother in zion, I should serve in every calling shoved down my throat, all my financial worries would come to an end, all my children would hold the priesthood and serve missions, blah, blah, blah...

The part that really got my attention though was when the patriarch told me that if I would "show unconditional love" to my then-husband, he would join the church and we would go to the temple and live happily ever after.

We divorced a year later. My bishop told me that I wasn't strong enough to stick it out. I was certain that my whole pb was now null and void. I went into a year of severe depression, certain that I'd screwed up beyond repair.

I spent another 7 years in the church after that. During that time I became convinced that the PB obviously referred to my second husband and badgered him into joining the church. Fortunately, he was never a very good member and we left the church together. It was like someone lifted a boulder off of me when I let go of my patriarchal blessing. I feel sorry for those still entrenched in Mormonism and beating themselves up for not being "righteous" enough to fulfill their "blessing."

I served a mission in England. I was once eating dinner at a patriarchs house. He told me that he was petrified when he was called to be patriarch back in the early sixties. He was, believe it or not, a fairly new convert. They must have been desperate to fill the slot. Right after he was called, he and a bunch of other patriarchs met at a stake center where an apostle was waiting to train them. He said that all the training amounted to was about five hours of looking through piles and piles of old blessings. There was hardly any real training at all besides readig blessings that were hand picked by the church as good examples for the patriarchs to model future blessings on. What was weird is he didn't seem to think this made the calling any less real or bogus in any way. PB's are for the weak to hang on to in order to feel special among all the same conformist bullshit.

All I remember from the actual time of the blessing was the warmth of the Patriarch's hand on my head and the only thing I tried to listen for was about marriage. Sad, sad, sad.

Due, in part, to what my blessing says about me, I allowed myself to be in a less than healthy marriage. I had the crazy notion that my "strong roots" would be enough for both of us. I believed that I was meant to be this man's angel and resuce him from himself. Then I questioned whether or not I had rendered my blessing null and void because I was "weak" and slept with him before marriage.

While moving and digging out old things I came across my blessing about a year ago and upon rereading it was disgusted by the scare tactics that were used in it. All those good ones like "satan desires me for my unusually strong righteousness". Creepy.

Final thought: The patriarch that gave me my blessing came out of the closet several years ago and is now living in San Francisco with his lover. I actually think that part is cool!