2002 Salamander Awards

The second annual Salamander Awards were presented at the 2002 Annual Spring Ex-Mormon Conference in Alexandria, Virginia on April 13, 2002. Congatulations to the winners.

The Official 2002 Salamander Award

The Annual Salamander Service Award was presented to Susan the Interesting Sinner for her tireless work as an administrator of The Exmormon.org Bulletin Board

The following tribute to Susan was submitted by Eric Kettunen, the owner of www.exmormon.org.

"I am thrilled that Susan is getting a Salamander award.  There is no one else who has put more time and energy into helping people transition themselves out of Mormonism than Susan.  She is a hero to thousands of people, many of whom only know her as Susan the bb administrator.  Susan has been our senior administrator for a few years now.

She is remarkable.  Susan learns all the ins and outs of working a database program and has never been a computer expert.

Susan, some days, puts in more than 4 hours of work in reading and maintaining the bulletin board.  Without her, this resource would not be available.  It simply would not exist.  She has stayed up late at night or in front of her computer hours at a stretch when we have had attacks.  Her patience and persistence is second to none when compared to any other volunteer organization.

She has been in contact with lawyers on lawsuits against the church.  She has given personal help to many with needs that can not be met on the bulletin board.  She has helped with publicity.  She has become the heartbeat and patient leader of exmormon.org in working with the other administrators.  They have learned from her.

It is those folks, like Susan, who have made this a successful organization in helping people. In my opinion she deserves the biggest Salamander, because she has done the most!!

Thanks Susan from everyone - you have touched thousands of lives."

Best Political Cartoon of Mormonia

Best Feature Length Mormonia Film

Best New Humorous Web Site

click the image

Best Animated Graphic

animated gif - make sure you watch it all the way through

Best Short Audio Clip of Mormonia

Help Us Romney! - To the tune: "Help Me Rhonda" - performed by Gordon B Hinckley 11/07/2001 - created by Pat McKitrick

Best Spoof Photograph of Mormonia

Best Original Mormonia Song

Well you can tell by the way I wear my suit
I'm a Mormon man with Utah roots
You have seen us 'round before
Out on the street or at your door
But please don't laugh or run away
Or question anything we say
You don't need to understand
To follow our eternal plan

Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Yeah we're always rushin' to teach you a discussion
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

Oh yes I'm lookin' sharp, I'm lookin' neat
I was fed on milk instead of meat
Fresh out of the MTC
There's nothing you can say to me
I've got Mormon's book, the Bible too
And Indians who once were Jews
A finger full of priesthood power
I'll convert you in an hour

Bring your son and daughter, we'll dip 'em in the water
We're filling the hive, fillin' the hive
Everybody's praying and everybody's paying
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

Best Original Mormonia Limerick

The Fourth Reich Conference Center
Is so cavernous many may enter
As you pass through the gate
There's no password to date
But eventually will be "Heil Packer"

Best Original Humorous Post On An Internet List or Bulletin Board

A Friend of Mine Saw the Arrington Papers

A friend of mine saw the Arrington Papers and was forced to throw his entire testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints out the window. Some of the things he discovered in his short time at the USU library shook him up so much that he is confident some of the info contained therein will bring the church to his knees. Most frightening is the fact that many of the items are more recent than any of us would ever imagine, some within the last several years that appear to have been snuck in along with the other historical notes and documents. Here are a few of the things my good friend saw with his own eyes:

In 1976 Boyd K Packer put a brand new Pinball Machine (purchased with tithing money) in the Holy of Holies after having his ass totally beaten by the PINBALL WIZARD. Boyd was quoted as saying "That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball." The Holy of Holies Shuffle Board set that was replaced by the Pinball machine was later sold as the most expensive item ever at Deseret Industries. Selling price: Three dollars.

In 1850, it was decided by a unanimous vote by the First Presidency and the 12 that all secret meetings should end in a contest of pissing for accuracy and not for distance, as had been the tradition since Joseph Smith restored the gospel.

There are several letters to Brigham Young from his secret black gay lover. Although we still don't know his lover's name (all letters were signed "your precious"), there are several references to this man in BY's journal that described his as "yummy!"

Disputes amongst the leadership of the church have often been and still are settled by comparing "the size of the priesthood." In such a dispute, he who has the biggest "priesthood" wins. In modern times Boyd K Packer has expressed some distaste for this method, and has been quoted several times as saying "if we could only do this in a warmer room, the blacks still wouldn't have the priesthood."

A scientific study from the 1950's that proves temple breath can destroy that last bit of free will and independent thought in an individual.

A rare account of J. Golden Kimball falling down the stairs in the temple and not dropping the F-bomb. (I can't see why they'd want to cover that one up, isn't that faith promoting?)

A transcript of a videotape of GBH getting hypnotized at a night club. To this day, Anytime someone mentions anything regarding the King Follet address, Gordo inexplicably grabs Thomas S Monson’s ass and screams "Take me to Kolob, baby!"

A record that reveals what the "f" in F. Melvin Hammond stands for.

Recommendations from Boyd K Packer's psychiatrist (from LDS social services) on how to cope with his raging oedipal complex.

A transcript from a general conference when someone from the choir hit Bruce R McConkie with a spit-wad and he turned to the prophet and screamed "you fucking punk!"

Minutes from a meeting of Brigham Young admitting to getting a woody during a temple ceremony endowment session. The temple apron was introduced several days later.

There are just a few of the most damaging items so far discovered in the Arrington papers, and none of these were even mentioned among the numerous documents the church wants to suppress. I imagine if GBH knew what was really in those boxes he'd surrender right now.

Best Original Mormonia Poem

Olde beliefs tucked away in the attic
Truly often behave quite erratic
Moth nor mold can corrupt
Dear old treasures laid up
But a press release works thin air magic

Plural wives, yeah we had 'em, now shant
"Plural gods start with Adam," recant
There's a man in the moon
Quaker clothes will change soon
To Cain's seed give the pow'r if they rant

Low about a deceased Brother Follett
To the press thusly spracketh a Prophet
Now the olde-timers groan
"Adam's blood can't atone"
For belief that becometh a Couplet

Women leaders and queers just might fit
On East Temple we could see them sit
Since tomorrow comes soon
Please don't think me a loon The release on the wall will be writ

Best Acronym For FARMS:

Feeble Attempts to Reconcile Mythology and Science - 05/29/2001 - Dr. Shades

Best New Name For BYU

Brainwashed Young Utah'ns - BYU - 10/11/2001 - Cousin of Jared

Logical Discussions Silenced - LDS - 11/22/2001 - John D. Lee

Best Sarcastic Remark Regarding Mormonia:

06/29/2001 - bcouns from recovery bbs

What do you call an old man who asks young ladies what kind of underwear they wear, whether or not they have oral/anal sex with their husband, what foods they eat and don't eat, whether they've been divorced, and who are the people they affiliate or associate with?

A pervert? A psychopath? An IRS auditor? Or a caring concerned Mormon Bishop?

Best Top Ten List Regarding Mormonia:

10. If one missionary is tracting east at 25 homes per hour and one is tracting west on the same street at 28 homes per hour which one will be shot first by the homeowner that the Jehovahs Witlesses just pissed off?

9. Is it OK to use consecrated oil to lubricate a sticky TV remote if you want to watch general conference?

8. Does Jesus require a speed boat to perform "barefoot water skiing" on the Sea of Galilee or can he propel Himself?

7. As a patron in the Las Vegas Temple, you find a $100 bill under your chair while removing your slippers. Should you pay tithing on it, give it to the temple president, buy a new set of temple clothes, or take it as a message from the Lord commanding you to play Black Jack at the nearest casino?

6. When a person is baptized with a crusty butthole is the butthole cleansed along with all the sins or does God not do buttholes?

5. If your new name is Francois and your real name is Francois and the person for whom you are doing proxy work is named Francois, and your brother-in-law is named Francois, how do you do work for the dead without getting confused?

4. When you take the sacrament does the bread really represent the body of Christ and if so was He made of Wonder Bread or just imitating the Pillsbury Doe Boy?

3. Why did God allow the pioneer Mormons on Donner Pass to have a party?

2. In the Garden of Eden why did the serpent offer Eve an apple? Why didn't he offer something worthwhile like a lottery ticket or a free subscription to the Ensign?

1. What do children on "worlds without number" do when they reach the age that world doesn't have a number for? If that number is 8 how can they ever know right from wrong and become accountable? Or if there was no number 12, what would they do for apostles?