Presented at the second annual Salamander Awards at the "X2001 - An Ex-Mormon Odyssey" in Las Vegas, Nevada on February 24, 2001. Congatualtions to the winners.
Steve viewed by editor |
Steve viewed by Holy Ghost |
So I open it up and it was like uncovering the stone box. I looked down in it and there was this salamander. I tried to grab it and I felt this electric shock and I was thrown backwards. I have been told that I have to return to the Post Office every year on September 22nd and receive further light and knowledge from the lizard before I will be allowed to take the lizard home. But I am going to show the lizard in the box to witnesses and they will then testify by written word that indeed they saw, they felt, they hefted the lizard.
What an honor. I will put it right up there next to my Pulitzer. In fact I will take down my Pulitzer. There is nothing that can compare to the glory, the honor, the godliness, the fraudliness, the frogliness. Thank you very much for the honor.
Joe Santilli's "Match made in heaven because hell wouldn't have it" on-line parody paper.
A spoof simulating the installation of a PC operating
system that the boss "brethren" of Mormonism would love to
force upon their membership. (This DOES NOT actually download anything to your
computer, but is hilarious to watch and read. ) Just click on the above image and then follow instructions.
Mormon Rap - written, produced, recorded and performed by Walter Gregory of Sandy, Utah - The Walter & Hays Band
The Lampoon is looking for a link or outlet for "The Mormon Rap." This popular tune has drawn more hits here at KXMO than any other tune on the page. The Lampoon would like to help promote it for the benefit and enjoyment of it's creator and fans. The Lampoon is a non-commercial site and receives no compensation for promoting Mormon culture related material.
The Simpsons (the aliens at the door...Homer answers with 'oh great, Mormons!'
Thanks again, (Editors Note: Beli scored three awards this year, thus his reference to "coming in threes."
I remember, doing the endowment
Secret handshakes, funny
clothes
Then the movie would finish
And the veil would
be calling
Let's do the endowment, again
(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then
slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your
head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship
points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the
endowment, again
I think I'm dreaming
Nocturnally screaming
No way,
can this be real
Down came Peter, James, John
I JUMPed
and screamed MR. CARLSON?!?!
Let's do the endowment, again
Let's do the endowment,
again
(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then
slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your
head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship
points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the
endowment, again
Well I was sitting in the temple just-a doing my
thing,
When Adam gave Eve such an evil wink,
Things
really took off when Lucifer came around
And Elohim said,
'Why don't we ALL go down'
I put on my apron, tied my hat
to my sash
Got up to the veil, in no time flat!
Let's do the endowment, again
(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then
slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your
head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's that 6th fellowship
point
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the
endowment, again
- Todd M
- Mark K
Apostates, go back in time with me.
Back to an age, twas
Mormon free.
All the way back before Mormons
began,
Before a Smith farm boy was a man.
There was a void, no temple sheets;
No rented slippers
for your feets.
Back past your great-grandfather's
youth,
Where everything that was -- was truth.
The sun gave grapes, and they gave drink.
The land was
free for all to think.
Back when birdies, sweet did
sing.
Back when wife was a singular thing.
The whitesome clouds and delightsome snow,
Brought love
to all, to those below.
In those old days the air was
sweet
Life was good and near complete.
Into this world was born a boy,
Who had a plan that gave
him joy.
He said he saw some golden plates.
All must
bring tithing, girls for dates.
Virgins did come, by the dozens,
Some were Sisters, some
were cousins.
Then, babies fast as falling rain,
Into
the cult they were to train.
And they with secret names begat.
Dreaming of planets
and such as that.
The men were horny day and
night,
Testosterone, their guiding light.
Red grapes ruptured, their blood, atoned.
They had no
purpose; no one was stoned.
And on Fast Sundays starvation
spread.
Saints became the living dead.
Sadness spread like a funeral pyre,
Not dispelled by the
Tabernacle Choir.
Death and darkness ruled all the
land.
Only the Tanners would take a stand.
The Mormon world was one big flaw,
Then Bill gates came
with his new Law.
The Internet, as all could see
Might
set the Mormon Zombies free.
An old Mormon did hallucinate,
And led his masses,
computers to hate.
But through the dark and dank of
it,
A ray of sun shone through the pit.
The light was named, I think Lampoon.
Repression shrank
and withered soon.
The folks saw through the Mormon
stuff
And knew their leader's brains were fluff.
And once again the earth was right.
Along with knowledge
came the light.
The leaves did fall, then grow in
spring.
The world was free, a beautiful thing.
03/09/2000 - By Jerry the Aspousetate
"With [DNA] sampling, you may or may not find evidence of a connection to the Old World," he says. "If you do, that says something. If you don't, that says more research needs to be done."
From: "BYU Gene Data May Shed Light On Origin Of Book of Mormon's Lamanites", Salt Lake Tribune, November 30, 2000
nominated by Todd - 12/30/2000
Failed Archaeologists Really Misapplying Science - R.T.P.
Bring Your Underwear - BYU - Beli
The Cult Of Joseph Smith of Latter-Day Sheep - mikem1502
Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." While this, in itself, should show that there are no Mormons it is important to give the complete quote. It was "I doubt, therefore I think. I think, therefore I am." Since Mormons don't think, much less doubt, they cannot exist. - 11/25/2000 - Enoch - OralBearinSLC@aol.com
Use your brain when a choice is placed before
you.
Ed-u-ca-tion's light will be your guide.
And its
power will skillfully protect you
When the unthinking come
repeat their lies.
Chorus:
Use your brain! Use your brain!
Clear thought will guide
your way before.
Please be sane, use your brain!
And you
will find truth evermore.
Use your brain, skepticism is a virtue.
Occam's razor
cuts the crap away.
There's no black and white to many
questions.
Thinking will help you navigate the gray.
[chorus]
There are some who'll tell you to just o-bey.
They will
say, "The thinking has been done!"
Use your brain, God made
it for a reason.
Show them the thinking has just begun.
[chorus]
- The Meme Warfare Project's Silly Song Skunkworks by Darren L.