2000 Salamander Awards

Proudly presented as The First Annual Salamander Awards at the "X2K Ex-Mormon Conference Las Vegas, Nevada on February 24, 2000. Congatulations to the winners.

Best Political Cartoon of Mormonia

by Pat Bagely - Salt Lake Tribune

Pat Bagely proudly displays his First Salamander Award for Best Policital Cartoon of Mormonia at his Salt Lake Tribune office


Best Feature Length Mormonia Film

Orgazmo Trey Parker's Mormon Mishy Gone Porno Spoof


Best Original Mormonia Song

LIVIN' IN PROVO UTAH

(Sung with stupefying energy to the tune of Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca")
She's got a grand ambition
She wants to be a wife
Her boyfriend's on a mission
Serving two years to life
She thinks that kissing's reckless
She swears she's staying good
She wears that special necklace
To prove her virginhood

She'll make you cut your hair short
And go bowling on your date
She'll make you shop at Food 4 Less
And walk to Movies 8
She thinks her ward is great

Rise and shout and swear
Livin' in Provo Utah
Sweet Geneva air
Livin' in Provo Utah
It's like Sesame Street
But gosh I miss Mister Hoopah
Babies everywhere
They're livin' in Provo Utah
Livin' in Provo Utah

She grew up north of Provo
Three chapels on her hill
She calls it Pleasant Grove-though
It's more like Pleasantville

She'll make you shave your beard off
And wear shorts that reach your knees
And when she rubs your thigh
It isn't meant to be a tease
She's just checking for your G's

Dance till ten at night
Livin' in Provo Utah
Please be blue or white
Livin' in Provo Utah
"The campus is our world"
That's not just a bunch of hoo-hah
Choose the ultra right
We're livin' in Provo Utah
Livin' in Provo Utah



Best Original Mormonia Limerick

There once was a prophet of god
who was born with a passionate rod
he asked the almighty if it was alrighty
to have sex with more than one broad. - Kenny Thompson aka Shaunteez


Best Original Humorous Post On An Internet List or Bulletin Board - Short Version - Tie

Shhh...Don. You aren't supposed to tell the biggest secret of them all. And that secret is that churches invent a problem (i.e. you need salvation because being human is wrong)and define themselves as the solution. It's Marketing 101. Create a problem and market the solution. Of course, religions have it down to a tee. How many other multi-billion dollar corporations are there which provide absolutely no service what so ever? - John Q

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. Gives a whole new meaning to "testimony meeting." Maybe that's why you're supposed to stand behind the pulpit. I will never think of "bearing your testimony" in the same way again! Do Mormons make better baseball pitchers, then? - Robert B and Nolan M


Best Original Humorous Post On An Internet List or Bulletin Board - Long Version

-- For Young Women Only --
Your Body, Your Garage


Posted by 100Proof on February 03, 1999 at 16:04:04:

(Since I *fear* the garage post will get archived, I decided to give it a tune-up. Here it is again, after receiving 60,000 mile service. Thanks to alien and BR for a couple of ideas I've included.)

A speech given by Apostate Hunerd Proof at the RfM Young Womens Conference on February 3, 1999

My dear special sweet young spirits, I wish to address a topic that is very sacred and dear to the Lord.

The Lord has blessed us with special bodies. Our bodies are like a house. We have many different rooms for many different purposes. Dear girls, the Lord has instructed us on the proper use and purpose for all our rooms.

This morning, I would like to talk about your garage.

As you mature, you will find new vines growing around your garage. You may discover an urge to raise the garage door and explore the opening. Satan will tempt you to fiddle with the automatic opener button, causing the door to rise and fall again and again. Resist Satan's temptations, for he simply likes to watch.

My dear sweet special things, the Lord has asked you to keep your garage closed until you have chosen a car for time and all eternity. Keep your garage empty until you've found that one special car to join you in the Celestial parking lot. Resist the urge to put your own bicycle in your garage. Do not allow foreign tools into your garage. Keep the door locked, for that is what our Heavenly Housebuilder has requested.

And if you find the temptation is too much, I have a suggestion for you. Turn your thoughts to construction sites, to messy bulldozers and cranes. Think of the noise and the mud and exhaust fumes. Imagine all the dirty grease these monsters drip. Are these the things you want in your garage?

You may find young men eager to park their cars in your garage. Young men like to brag about their cars. They like to show you their cars and let you feel the finish. They may even ask that you help them wax their cars, and then they'll insist that the wax job be followed by overnight parking in your garage. Dear ladies, do not be deceived by the shine. Encourage young men to park on the street, to wax in their own driveway if they must, for your garage is to remain unsoiled. Young men need to drain their crankcase once in a while. Do not allow them to drain in your garage, for they will leave a mess behind for you to clean.

Occasionally, young men drive cars that are loud and have strong engines. These cars are sports cars and are most dangerous. You should never let one into your driveway, for the Lord has asked that you marry a family sedan or a minivan. If you see a sports car in your neighborhood, you should schedule a visit with your Bishop. Your Bishop knows your neighborhood well and can instruct all young men on proper parking and driving.

When you find the one automobile that is right for you, and you both have been sealed in the showroom, allow him to park. He may need assistance parking his sedan the first few times, for if he has followed the maintenance schedule, he will be due for an overhaul. Keep your garage attractive and free of other cars. Trim the vines, and scrub the door.

Yours is only a one car garage, and he is your eternal car.

1999 Playelder Magazine


Best Original Mormonia Poem

Ode to a Testimony Meeting by William Underwood
(With grudging thanks to Edgar Allan Poe)-

Once upon a Sabbath morning, while myself I was adorning,
Washing, shaving, brushing, coiffing, dressing up to serve the Lord.
Donning polyester necktie, from the corner of my right eye,
came a horror so revolting as to leave me nearly floored.
"Tis fast Sunday," I muttered, seeing the calendar's accord.
This day only, I abhorred.

"Ah," said wife, "you look forlorn." I wished that I were never born,
Dreading the fate that awaited me upon entering church door.
As I slouched toward place of seating, the Bishop stood, began the meeting,
Hymns were sung, God's grace invoked, announcements by the score.
Bread and water's passing ended, cold sweat oozed from every pore.
This meeting would last forevermore.

The Bishop rose and soon invited all of those who were excited
To share their tales of faith, of hope, of miracles galore.
Next a herd of folks descended, the smell of sweat and perfume blended
As this mass of thankful worshipers threatened to crack the floor.
A line of teary testifiers stretching out the door.
I'm seated here forevermore.

The first two hours were uneventful, those Saints were happy, none resentful
Of any real, imagined, or perceived offense they bore.
Bishop and counselors were grinning, many converts they were winning
>From investigators and visitors who had not been here before.
Souls and countless income would swell the Bishop's store.
Salvation would come forevermore.

Like San Francisco before the quake, I was really not awake
When he stepped behind the pulpit to address the hallowed corps.
The obese man's nose ran, he cried, his pants half zipped, his lapels wide.
His voice was shrill, unpleasant, like a banshee who was sore.
His sense of humor lacking, not unlike one Pauly Shore.
He seemed to talk forevermore.

He told of strange perverse obsessions, sordid sexual confessions,
Drugs and debts, his favorite shows, vacations at the shore.
No care for time, his discourse ran, I'm sure I'd never seen a man
Whose litany of problems could amount to such a bore.
A man for whom to pity would create a mammoth chore.
Him I loathe forevermore.

Little children became twitchy, bottom ends were numb and itchy
As this sweaty, bloated cretin carried on til half past four.
His racial views were crude and numbing, It seemed that mercy was not coming,
His use of common language would shake sailors to the core.
With face in hands the Bishop stared a hole straight through the floor.
Torment comes forevermore.

At six o'clock the man relented, many butts to chairs cemented.
I heard grunts, a sneeze, some wheezing, and a periodic snore.
As he sat I had to ponder, why each month this time we squander,
Giving time to overzealous, weepy, self-indulgent spores.
I'd rather spend my Sabbath at a bar or at the store.
I'll return here nevermore.


Best Acronym For FARMS:

Find Any Reason for Mormons to Stay - Nolan Mecham


Best New Name For BYU

College of Uniformity in Latter-Times - CULT - Brigham Smith Brigham


Best New Name For LDS Church:

GODS 'R' US - John D. Lee


Best Sarcastic Remark Regarding Mormonia:

"Just because he made it up, doesn't mean it isn't true!" - Plan Ten From Outer Space - Trent Harris


Best New Lyrics For An Original Mormon Hymn:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CRAZED WAS THE MAN
(Not: Praise to the Man)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Self-designated and greedy profiteer.
From marriage vows he took several vacations;
Duped was that Emma, damnation bid her fear.

chorus:
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Power and glory was not the only prize.

2.
Blessed was Briggy to inherit the kingdom;
He led the faithful in ways that give us pause.
He far surpassed Brother Joseph in urging
Women to give all they could for the cause.

a new chorus:
Another crazed man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Recycled power, and he thought himself a prize.

3.
Living deception as they rewrite their history;
Revising "her'tage" to fit a better mold.
Time marches on, and attracts other joiners.
Funding the profits, old doctrines are spun-told.

yet another chorus:
Crazed were those men; they commune through the ages;
Their brand of "worthy" puts believers in a jam-they-am.
Today, as the Internet is accessed by seekers;
Millions shall know HornyToads were just a sham.


Best Original Mormonia Joke

Last summer during a family reunion I was driving one car in a caravan of about 5 cars all stuffed with True Believing Mormon relatives. We where near Cedar city, Utah, and were all keeping in touch via CB radios. My dad (TBM but with a sense of humor), in another car told this joke, directed at me:

"Kelly, why do you always take 2 Mormons with you when you go fishing"? (If you have not heard this joke before, the the punch line is:If you take only one, he will drink all all of your beer.)

Though I'd previously heard the joke and knew the expected punchline,I was immediately inspired to exclaim over the the radio, to 30 or so TBM ears:

"So that you're garanteed that at least SOMETHING will take the Hook, Line, and Sinker"!

...Complete silence on the radio. - Kelly A.


Best Media Doctinal Change By A General Authority:

Prophet Hinckley cancels polygamy on Larry King Live 09/08/98

KING:(referring to polygamy) You condemn it?

HINCKLEY: I condemn it, yes, as a practice, because I think it is not doctrinal. It is not legal. And this church takes the position that we will abide by the law. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates in honoring, obeying and sustaining the law.


Best Mormonia Web Site Humorous:

Playelder Magazine

Best New Mormonia Web Site Serious:

2think.org by rpcman

Most Unintentionally Humorous LDS Mormonia Website:

MollyMormon.com

Best Top Ten List:

The Top Ten Reasons "NOT" to Join the Mormon Church

10. Performing Blood Atonement ruins a good suit of clothes.
9. By the time you become prophet, you're too old to enjoy it.
8. Temple worker wants to "bless" the fruit of my loins.
7. After you become a God, you only get Sundays off.
6. Boyd K. Packer is going to be the next prophet. (Yuck!)
5. Polygamy: Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
4. Wife doesn't want to spend eternity with me.
3. If you've heard one testimony, you've heard them all.
2. Book of Mormon: Boring

And the #1 reason NOT to join the Mormon Church:
1. DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL!!! - 08/23/1999 courtesy Dana Robertson


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