Sharing With Cheryl Goodytiptoes

Sister Cheryl Goodytiptoes skillfully demonstrates the "umbrella technique" of Mormon stalker evasion. Notice her LDS bishop sneaking up on her in the background.

For years readers have clamored for help with Mormon stalkers. Why not just walk away from the church? The answer may surprise readers who are unaware of "Mormon Stalking." The Mormon Church relentlessly harasses those who attempt to leave. This is where Sharing with Cheryl comes to the rescue. She is kindhearted, but relentless in her (excuse the term) calling. She feels your pain as only a fellow sufferer can. If you need even more advice about dealing with Mormons try the Recovery from Mormonism bulletin board.

As of 02/14/2008 - Cheryl had advised 53 troubled souls. Submit your questions for Cheryl in the box at the bottom of this page.

I have been involved in my families genealogy for ten years. Having lived out west, I had the oppertunity to visit the LDS genealogy library on Temple Square. While doing research, I was horrified to discover that there had been "baptisms for the dead" performed on MY ancestors!! I am sure that my Great-Great Grandfather Curtis especially, who was a Methodist Minister, would be spinning in his grave!! Can you get them to remove names?? What, if anything can be done?? You would think that if people's ancestors didn't want to be Mormon in life, they sure as Hell haven't changed their mind in death. HELP!!!!

How appalling. The Mormon cult will dunk a kid in the name of your Great-Great Grandfather Curtis, a Methodist Minister.

Posing as a tourist, I recently toured the new Sacramento Temple. The friend with me, a Jewish woman (now Unitarian) was aghast at seeing the font on ox butts. She knew about and strongly disapproved of dunking of Holocaust victims. She also despised the LDS Church being sued over that, promising to knock it off and then resuming it.

When Gordon B. Hinckley dies, my husband wants me to dunk him in our bathtub in the name of Gordy and turn "the prophet' into an atheist in the hereafter.

Sorry I can't offer hope for the church to stop insulting the memory of good people like your Great-Great Grandfather Curtis.

The cult can't persuade people to join in life and resorts to such despicable behavior in death.

What a Godsend this website is. I read the Blacksheep List and realized that hey, my story and innocent "involvement" with the Moron Church really isn't all that different from many other people who've tried (and successfully) escaped the clutches of the suffocating influence of The Church. Incidentally, I thank the Lord that I never went through the Temple of Eternal Doom. No ma'am, it just wasn't for me. I left in 1992, after having been born and raised in "thee" church (like it's thee only church in town), and before they could get their soul-robbing, story-telling, money-grubbing, family-destroying hands on my two (now grown) kids. Yeah, I just had to get that out of the way. My bad....

My question is this. If you're name is TRULY off the membership rolls, aren't they supposed to leave you alone? In my letter, I know I specifically stated that they were never to try to contact me or my husband or family EVER, otherwise I'd consider it infringing on my right to be left alone by them. I don't remember receiving a letter saying that they'd taken me off the rolls; just a call from a guy from the COB saying--sarcastically--that at the conclusion of our phone call it would be taken care of. He also said that he'd received many letters like mine for the past 25 years with people "claiming" that they "knew" the church wasn't true, Joseph Smith was a liar and a a false prophet, etc. (Again and again, hindsight told me that my response to his insulting attitude would have been to ask him that if he's heard claims like this for the last 25 years, why hadn't he checked out these claims for himself?)

Anyway, back to my point. Over the last two months or so, on two different occasions, there were visits to my door; once by a set of young female missionaries, and the second incident was more recent, a set of young men missionaries with an older guy with them. Apparently (A) they can't read, and (B) they can't read a sign on my front door that says, "NO SOLICITING". I didn't find out what they wanted, I told them I didn't have time to talk to them and slammed the door in their faces. I gave my heart to Jesus before I sent my letter requesting expulsion, and I know that slamming the door that way was rude, but their are people on this planet who don't know when not to bother knocking on a person's door, especially when clearly there is notice on my door that specifically says not to. What can I do the next time the missionaries show up? I know they will, eventually. They're like a bad case of herpes; they never completely go away.

Living here in Utah sometimes is an embarrassment. Outsiders that I speak with on a daily basis ask me from time to time if I'm Mormon. One guy even asked me if they really have horns. I laughed for days over that one.

Yes, Salamandersociety.com is a Godsend. That Cricket fellow, Steven Clark, has created the "One True" website.

Stories on the Blacksheep List are all different but prove the same "One True" thing. The Moron Church is a crock.

To answer your question, yes, they are supposed to leave you alone but they never will. It's like asking blood-sucking ticks to be vegetarians. If they didn't proselytize and pester innocent people the whole thing would fall to ruin. Your "NO SOLICITING" sign might actually encourage them. They may think you are weak and hiding behind it. A police report or garden hose works better. Write up a draft of a letter to the local gendarmes now. Have it ready to finalize with details, banning kid mishies, seniors, Bishop Pricks or whoever. And on the bright side, Utah has great mountains and snow.

I was bitten by a Mormon the other day. Does this mean that I'll become one? Which is the cure? Garlic, silver bullets, or powdered salamander tails? Please help!

Let me guess. The depraved Mormon bit you on Fast Sunday. Those pitiful famished souls sometimes do give in to oral urges on Starvation and Testimony Days.

Symptoms vary, and there is no known cure for Mormon bites. Remission is the only hope, easily achieved by downing at least one cup of coffee per day.

The compunction for Mormons to bite gentiles, termed the Donner syndrome, has been traced to a location on the right side of the DNA double helix. This DNA strand is also linked to an obsession for wearing ugly underwear.

Research is ongoing to cure Mormon-bite victims. Consider attending the upcoming benefit next summer. For a small donation you can participate in the fundraiser. Simply estimate how many miles per day an average Mormon can push a handcart from Utah back to Missouri.

Good luck and don't forget your daily dose of coffee -- especially during full moons.

My friends just don't seem to understand how difficult it is to send the missionaries packing. Is it me? I can't seem to say the right things when they come. I just don't know how to make this all go away so that I can finally be free of this cult.

Maybe you are trying to have your green Jell-O and eat it too. You want to rid yourself of Mormons by saying polite, civil, non-vulgar words and hope they'll go away and never return. Cults don't work that way. The mishies have been trained to ignore ordinary refusals like water flowing off a tapir's back. After long years of maintaining civility, many have found that vulgarity, blasphemy, garden hoses, police reports and lawyers do the trick.

You might not be ready for that stage yet. Think it over and practice in private. When you're up to it, shout, spray, or file a police report. You'll feel like a colossus and you'll also be free of frustration. Good luck.

I am non-Mormon and would like to share. There's a relatively large Mormon population here and even tho there is a large Asian pop. here too) all the Mormons I know/see are white. One day I saw blond WASP-y type Mormons on my street and out of curiosity and niceness I decided to answer the door. The second I opened the door, the men saw my Asian face and began speaking to me in (what I asssume to be) "Chinese."

When I immediately said I'm American (not even Chinese ethnically) and only speak English, they acted like they were offended I didn't "appreciate" their attempt to 'connect' to me. They eventually left, and-strangely--they didn't knock on any other doors in the neighborhood, as if they had been specifically sent to my house.

What's going on here?? When I tried to talk to my Mormon friends about this experience there were weirdly evasive. I have heard rumors that early LDS leaders excluded non-whites from the Church--is this true? Why would any non-white person want to join this group that is so strangely unwelcoming? Are they seeking to increase a diversity quota or something? If they are, they don't do it by being patronizingly racist.

"What's going on here?" I'm guessing that your Mormon friends turned your name in to the mishies. You mentioned how evasive they were when you talked to them. Mormons don't like to admit how they covertly connive to lure victims into their cult.

The LDS Church was, and still is, racist. Until the 1970s blacks were treated as second-class citizens without chance at Mormon "priesthood." Even now, the church remains racist in spite of the fact that their largest growth is in non-white areas such as South America.

You might want to ask someone for a few Chinese swear words to hurl the next time they come back. Accompany the words with a gesture and they'll be effective even if the intrusive proselytizers don't speak Chinese.

I had almost five years of Mormon "Pursuit", and finally (finally) I think I'm free! If I see one of those young men come to my door again, I shall chase them down the street screaming with a broom in one hand and a pan in the other!

Free and Happy Again, that's an uplifting name and a wonderful sentiment. Thank you for your kind words. I applaud your plan to use a pan and a broom to chase away forewarned Mormon stalkers.

I only suggest that you don't dent your expensive cookware or damage your best broom. How about a trip to Deseret Industries to pick up a junky cracked pot and ratty broom with mostly missing straw?

I have Mormon relatives. These two young men keep showing up on my doorstep.(perhaps the relatives sent them?) I told them that I am Roman Catholic and am not interested. My husband told them, I know enough to know I don't want to know about Mormondom. They keep coming back. How do I get rid of them?

Mormons are like boomerangs. Put up a wall to crush them or break the thrower's arm. You can't break your Mormon relatives' arms if you want to continue to enjoy family Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

So go after the Mission President if you can find out who he is. If not, the bishop will do. He's in the telephone book under the heading, "Churches" because there is no listing for cults. Instead of it's real name "Mormons," you'll find it listed as, "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

Tell him he will receive printed Catholic catechism materials or rosary beads every time Mormons bother you. Speak firmly. Let him know you will indeed follow through if he doesn't comply.

If you aren't willing to force the Mormon leaders to honor your legal no-contact directive, a secondary plan is the "wall approach." That means you stand firmly at your door. Never allow Mormons inside. Don't be kind or civil in the least. Tell them to leave and never return. Follow them to their cars or balloon-tire bicycles saying such things as "Fudge off, you smelly piles of poop."

My brother, a single dad of 4, has met a Mormon woman whom he likes very much. She is very nice, and our whole family approves of her so far. However, my aunt and I have one very serious concern which we have not yet shared with anyone else. My brother is starting a new business, and he thinks he may be short on capital. This woman has told my brother that if he were to convert to "active" Mormonism, the church would finance his new business, and supply patronage as well.

Also, he would like to adopt an older Chinese child......again, it was suggested that the Mormon church would help pay for the adoption fees if he and the children ..and the new child, who may have her own Chinese religious beliefs ...would convert. She even went so far as to say he needn't marry her, just become "active" in the Church.

Is this true, and why would the church do such a thing? Isn't that tantamount to bribery and therefore, surely a sin? My brother and his children, like the rest of our Italian family, as Catholic. I can tell you that the Roman Catholic Church would not EVER do any such thing! Do you think this woman is blowing a load of smoke, just to get my brother interested in Mormonism, and possibly, to get him embroiled in her own life ....or does the Church really provide this sort of "help?"

Asking the Mormon Church for financial assistance, is like asking a leech to be a blood donor. Your brother's girlfriend is selling him a bill of goods. The LDS Church doesn't finance businesses for recent converts. He seems to have this bassackwards - the church lives off the members, the members don't live off the church. As near as I can tell (I was officially a member for decades) Mormons are much worse in this regard than Catholics. Their primary goal is an ever-larger membership total which is why your future sister-in-law said he doesn't even have to marry her - just join up. Do some homework on the internet. It may save your brother some grief.

I'm a 46 year old man, and I converted to the Eastern Orthodox Church 4 years ago. I was raised in evangelical Christianity, and I see many similarities to Mormonism. Mainly the thinly disguised agenda shared by these groups, to convert everyone to their beliefs. This is why people despise these groups. Nobody wants to be seen as an easy mark for some whacko religious cult!

At my last job I had to deal with Mormon customers in Utah on the telephone(I live in Kansas). Utah is a beautiful state, but I liken it to the Kentucky of the west. I think there must be alot of inbreeding among Mormons because they're such weirdos. I've always heard how nice and polite Mormons are, but you could have fooled me. I found Mormons to be mean spirited, intolerant, and elitist jerks.

I also found that Mormon women were more dominate (despite being taught to be submissive)while the men seemed more passive. I had young Mormon women flirt with me on the phone, then turn around and bust my balls or cuss me out like a sailor.

David, Thank you for the compliment on the website. You've now contributed to its success.

You're right about those who despise wacko cultists, like Evangelicals and Mormons. Those groups see all nonmembers as easy marks. We should petition the Sierra Club to eliminate the Mormon Church as a menace to the naturally beautiful state of Utah. Environmentalists ought to fight it as a serious eyesore. Mormons offend not only normal people, but also every other living thing, including three-toed horny toads and sego lilies.

Utah does bear an uncanny resemblance to the less up and coming regions in the South. The inbreeding in both places seems to cause a pallid complexion and possible slow-wittedness.

All Mormons, but especially women, pride themselves on being ever polite and compliant. Anyone who works on their image to that extreme has something to hide. Mormon men are shocked to discover that their wives harbor mean genes that rage, and bob in and out from behind manipulative blinds and coy games.

There are these two young men that sometimes paruse my neighborhood and knock on doors trying to convert people to their religion. I talked to them for awhile about what they call their "mission." After hearing about how they always have to be within sight of each other, it came to me that they are probably gay. Where do I join up?

You're describing Mormon missionaries all right. Yes, a few of them are gay, but not many.

The reason all of them act the way some people think all gays do, is because Mormons are confused. First, they think joining missionaries in pairs at the hip prevents them from bolting. Second, they use the KGB spy on your buddy approach to prevent joy, and to promote robotic obedience. Finally, the church culture encourages foppish mannerisms in hopes of appearing sincere and humble to prospective suckers.

I am what I believe exmo's call a nevermo. I'm deathly curious about entertaining some missionaries. They've never bothered me, but I have this recurring dream where I invite them in, excuse myself, and then re-enter the room totally nude. Then they run away in utter fright. I realize this is evil, and I'll probably never get a chance to carry out my dastardly scheme because I live in a very low-Mormon area (New England). However, I thought I'd put the idea out there, as many people who write to you seem to be plagued by missionaries for months, years, or even decades after their split with the cult. If they have the courage to "bare" witness to their apostasy, I'd bet the mishies would leave them alone!

If you're deathly curious about mishies, they are twice as curious about you. The more they know, the more likely they think they will be to bag you as a convert, even if they have to wait until you're dead.

But if you're serious, you could fill out an official card for suckers at any Mormon tourist trap, like a temple visitor center or Mormon historical site.

Let me know how it goes if you do decide to make a grand entrance totally nude. I'm afraid after the initial shock, you'd increase, not decrease follow-up visits.

I was recently inspired to create a Mormon repellant that people can spray on their doors to keep Mormons from touching it. The problem I've been having is that as soon as I find a scent that properly repells Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door! I've tried everything from semen (which seems to attract more Mormon mishies than anything else!) To sour-apple (the lack of sugar seemed to work well against the evil Mormons, but for some reason it brought the JW's in, in herds!).

I suggest the smell of coffee to repel Mormons. For Jehovah's Witnesses, you might try the aroma of Christmas wreaths or birthday cake. They hate Christmas and birthday celebrations more than Mormons hate sexy underpants.

Here's a marketing tip. Try one of those scratch and sniff inserts in national magazines like Playboy.

For cultists with nose allergies, a raucous show tune would work. All door-to-door religion pushers are too tight-assed to indulge in fun.

Good luck with your business venture. Don't forget me when you win the Nobel Prize or even better yet, a Salamander Award for Chemistry.

Hi Cheryl, you have to help me here. I left the church before I was ever baptised. So even though i do know a lot about it, reading this website (which is brilliant by the way) has brought up a few questions for me. Being South African I have never felt the full force of a morg community, seeing as the first one i ever met was the twit, i mean guy i wound up going out with. He's now one of those mishies who annoy you day and night, the best thing he ever did for me was leaving because it allowed me to get out of his control and see this load of rubbish for what it really is.

But that's another story which will be on the recovery bulletin board as soon as I've finnished it. Firstly, what's the Meadow Mountain Massacre, I've never heard of it before (big surprise it wasn't the topic of onee of those boring sacrament talks) and what's the deal with the green jello fixation? I know these guys are wierd, but this is pushing it! Thanks.

I would love to hear from any other SA exmos (in fact exmos in general, seeing as we're such a nice, normal bunch of people. i may have broken free, but i have yet to find a decent gut in his twenties, feel like playing matchmaker? i'm bored without all these meetings 20 times a week!) Keep smiling, we're the normal ones here!

You left before you were baptized? Good job! You were quick to sniff the rubbish!

Mountain Meadow Massacre was Mormonism's darkest day. The Saints of the old west attacked a wagon train passing through Utah. Mormons murdered 120 innocent travelers. It's a hideous and true historical event. There are current books available and an older one on line.

Green Jell-O is an over-popular ingredient for salad and desserts in Zion. It's a funny Mormon quirk and they suffer a bit of ribbing for their overuse of it.

Please give the recovery bulletin board a try. I'd love to introduce a charming young man to you for your approval. Sadly, I'm a simple ex-Mormon without the Matchmaking skills of the old Mormon prophets.

Good luck with your recovery. You're brighter than a sparkler in the dead of night.

I am having an issue with one of my friends, and thought you might be able to help with some of your wonderful advise. You see, I was talking to my friend, we'll call her MMM, the other day, and for the past 2 weeks she's been all self righteous because she got her patriarchal blessing, and keeps throwing it in my face. Well, being the well studied Ex-Mo that I am, I told her that Patriarchal Blessings are basically just forms that the Patriarchs memorize and then regergitate, filling in the blanks. I also told her that the only reason she went back to church (she was "inactive" for 4 years, and went back about 2 months ago) was because her boyfriend told her too, and other people expect her to go, and that its not for herself that shes going.

Well, suffice to say, this got her quite steamed! Well, she decided that she would tell some of my friends that I hate everyone in my (fairly large) circle of friends, and that I want to kill all mormons. I never said either of these things!!! Now, I have explained to my friends that MMM is just doing to me what she's done to a couple other people. But, what do I do about people who don't believe me when I say I didn't say those things? I mean, I never, ever, ever, ever said anything that could even be remotely construed by the most paranoid person that I want to kill anyone, or that I hate anyone.

Your "friend" lies about you. She falls for and abandons religion because of any passing fancy. Worse, she expects you to follow her contorted maze. MMM doesn't sound like good friend material. Avoid her as much as you can for now.

I wish there was an easy way to set the record straight with your other friends. Those with sense will know what kind of a person you are. It's often not possible to communicate logically with those who believe magic bloomers have protective powers. Astute friends will also see what kind of a person MMM is.

Stay true to yourself and try not to worry. This is tough, but we ex-Mormons often have to be tough. It's the price we pay for being smart and having freedom.

So I'm an underground heretic, mostly married to a royal TBM (True Believing Mormon) with a few kids, haven't counted them up lately. I have the hots for this divorced X 2 years and recently reactivated woman in the ward about 15 years younger than I. She has one little girl and she shows up late for Sac. Meeting in a short tight skirt with black lacy stockings and teaches in the primary.

When and how does the secret polygamy start up for me? Should I try and get her assigned to my Home Teaching list? Invite her over for dinner with the family? Get one of my kids to invite her kid to come over to play after church in the woods behind our house? She totally ignores me, even goes out of her way to ignore me in that special little way women have of letting you know that she knows that I am attracted to her so come on and chase me. She's going to make me work for her but once the first barrier is breached she knows that she won't be able to control herself. Any suggestions?

My advice for you is to first, count your many children, name them one by one. Count your many children see what you, as Dad, have done.

Next, make your wife count. You married her. If you're sorry, make a serious decision about strengthening or dissolving the marriage.

After that, come to terms with your church. Why are you underground? Since you don't seem to care much for your family, this subterfuge makes little sense to me. Sort through your beliefs and decide if you want to be a true honest Mormon. If not, make plans to resign.

Finally, go for counseling to learn the facts of life. Somehow you skipped a developmental stage of learning how to relate to women. With help and effort, you can match your maturity to your age.

Once you become worthy in the real non-Mormon sense of the word, you'll know what to do about your propensity to want to read the mind of that poor primary teacher.

She also wrote to me for advice. I told her to give up church for her sake and her daughter's. She plans to go on the road as a stripper, in search of a wholesome lifestyle. She hasn't found that in the Mormon Church with so many married guys hitting on her every Sunday. - Cheryl

You sexy thing you. I am currently in seminary (not my choice!), and I have the worst seminary teacher in history...he's definately GA material, I think the sound of his voice just lulls people to sleep. Well, anyway, he is obcessed with becoming my friend so that he can bring me back "the fold," so to speak.

What advice can you give me on telling him to piss off in a way that he'll actually understand? I've already told him I think the church is a cult in the worst way, but that only fueled his fervor that I am supposedly foreordained to be someone great in the church (I study philosophy like a Bishop Burnie studies your ass, and quite honestly, I am 3 times as smart as most of the people I know). Sorry if parts of this are illegible, I can only use my left hand to type right now because I am having a flare up of carpel tunnel syndrome.

His muddled brain hears, "The Lord has sent me to inspire this misguided child to serve Him for eternity."

Mr. Seminary Teacher hears, "The Holy Ghost and I must work double time to make this teen into someone great in the Church."

He hears, "No one, especially a young student, can survive without their seminary teacher telling them what to do."

You need to learn to be invisible to him. Don't engage his distorted thinking. Sit back and think your own great thoughts. Plan your eventual escape. Think about philosophical theories and how they apply to your life. Anything, to stay clear of that character's clutches.

When he approaches you as a friend, tell him you have friends your own age. Tell him you're in a rush and goodbye. Shrug, smile, and flit off every time he tries it. Do it over and over again for as long as it takes. Learn to be passive-aggressive. That's how slaves survive as they dream of eventual freedom.

Thank you for the compliment that I am a "sexy thing." I hope your carpel tunnel is better. I also hope you got it from something worthwhile like contributing to the latterdaylampoon.com or posting on exmormon.org or perhaps, masturbating. I hope it was not from something counterproductive like writing talks for Mormon meetings.

I agree you are three times smarter than most people you or I know, much too smart to waste your time and talents on Mormonism. I'm proud of you. Good luck.

I'm having a serious problem with the Mormons in my life. During this past year I "left" the Mormon Church and I have never been happier! I am a single mother. Never been married and I've always lived at home with my crazy Mo parents until about 1 month ago. I've moved in with my sister (who feels the same as me), but I've never told anyone else how I feel.

More importantly, I've never told my Mom how I feel. In fact, I still sometimes help with her Visiting Teaching, because I'm still her partner!!! One big reason I haven't told her (or anyone still in it) is because my mom is very attached to my daughter (Beth), who is 8 years old. She got baptized in February of this year, which was very hard for me, but I felt I needed to let her do what she wanted (I never had a choice).

But now I find my girl being sucked into the Mormon mirage. I've been very honest with Beth and she knows how I feel, but doesn't really understand why I feel this way.

She knows I haven't told Grandma, and I feel bad that she's seeing this deception in me, but I'm afraid that if my mom finds out that I've left the church, that she will find a way to get Beth away from me. It sounds paranoid, but I've seen the Mormons do shit like that.

I was very active until recently (Temple recommend and everything) and it is a real fear of mine. Also, Beth is home taught (by me) and she has a heart defect for which she has open heart surgery periodically, to repair.

If you combine all these facts in a certain way, you could make it appear that I am not raising Beth in a good way.

I also have another sister who is very active and is very jealous of the relationship I've had with mom in the past. She's very pious and her 5 kids are not very nice to Beth and tell her ridiculous things like she's adopted and her real father doesn't want her. She doesn't know her dad and so she's very sensitive and hurt by these things.

Already she's so indoctrinated about the Church! She asked me the other day "How can we be together if you're not Mormon?"

I'm so pissed. But I'm also afraid that if they explains things to her a "certain way" she may think that she should be with Grandma instead of me. My mom had the audacity to suggest that to her when we were moving out. Imagine what she would tell Beth if she knew I was an apostate!?

And to think some people actually say this site is nothing but fiddle-faddle. Not True. Yours is a harrowing and heart-wrenching problem. I'm sorry.

Please, immediately begin to formulate a long-term, step by step plan of escape. You might have to start small, but start you must, and never stop until you are free. Work toward having a non-Mormon system of support, including your child care, your financial stability, your friends, and your advisors.

Your little girl had a choice about baptism? No. She had to go along with her mom's only support system and the only lifestyle she knew. Any other choice would have been taking a blind leap from safe footing into the great unknown.

It's your job to build a new world for her where choice has meaning. You might consider sending her to school where she can learn to be part of the secular world. I can tell you that I have taught children with serious medical problems, some terminal. Special needs children are children first, with the same needs all have for independence and normalcy. They are usually stronger and more resilient than their parents realize.

I'm glad you and Beth can count on your sister. What other resources are there? Search them out. Do you need to seek work or sign up for job training? Broaden your circle of friends? Gradually, create a stable, secure life, safe from over-bearing Mormonism.

Start to slowly tell your daughter the truth about the church. Establish boundaries for yourself. Train your mother and other Mormons to respect your space, your time with Beth, and your decisions. If Mormons question your lack of faith, learn to laugh, and shrug off their inappropriate prying.

Your daughter is your power over the church and your mother. If Mom wants to enjoy you and your child, she'll have to respect you. That's the power you have and are not using.

If you can't handle all of this with only your sister's help, go to a non-Mormon counselor.

I never was blessed with much popularity or good looks. I am too tall at 5'11'' and too heavy at 140 lbs. I have plain thick brown curly hair when everyone thinks straight is better. I am not very cute, just a plain average face and have a not really remarkable but a slightly larger than average figure. I tried so hard to date and have a boyfriend in High School but the only dates I ever had was when I did the asking and the guy really didn't want to go. In college I was so stupid and despirate that I started putting out sexually to attract guys, but the morning after I could tell they had no respect for me and I hated myself for it. I developed a slut reputation and didn't think a decent guy would ever want me or forgive me for it and it was hard to hide it. It became an obsession and I felt trapped in the party scene. I had lots of friends and partners but didn't feel close to anyone. I managed to stay off drugs and not drink very much and study hard enough to get decent grades.

This summer, I worked in a legal office after graduation from college. One of the lawyers who is about 15 years older than I got involved with me. At first he didn't seem to even notice me. But one day I was changing out of my skirt before going out to jog after work in an empty room and he accidently opened the door which I thought I had locked and he caught a glimpse of me wearing only a skimpy pair of panties. He left immediately and appologized. But after that embarassing little episode his interest in me took off.

We started having lunch together and later more formal dates. We were sleeping together after about a month. He makes me feel so good about myself. All the previous guys just wanted to take from me and didn't give a damn about how I really felt. He takes care of my feelings and passions first and I have experienced the most intense orgasms ever with him. And for the first time there is more to the relationship than sex. We have many other common interests and actually like being around each other and talking to each other. He stimulates my mind too and thinks that I could get into law school with a little hard work.

He was married before and divorced now for several years with no children. He is a workaholic and has a decent income. He wants to marry me and I think he is what I have always wanted. The trouble is that he is an inactive Mormon from Utah, but he wants me to convert to his faith and raise our children in it. I have listened to the sister missionaries twice and they are nice but so weird. And I have done some outside reading (in addition to their assignments) on the Internet that has me deeply disturbed. He knows about most of the dark side (which the missionaries seem oblivous to) and he doesn't really care if Joseph Smith was a fraud or not. If this was some normal church like Catholic or Lutheran or even something more intense like Baptist, I would not hesitate for a minute to believe any strange teachings and convert for him. But this religion seems so crazy. He wants to quietly get married and then a year after we can go to the Mormon Temple and be sealed for ever.

Is it worth it to convert? Like how bad can it be having these nice but different people as a part of your life? Would I be alone in my private disbelief or are there a few others who belong but don't believe everything? What is your advise for someone like me?

Here's your situation. You are young, bright, independent, eligible, and free of Mormonism. Your one and only problem is your delusion about being undesirable.

If you marry this guy, you'll still be bright and deluded about your worth. Unfortunately, you'd lose your independence and eligibility. You would also be burdened with Mormonism, a destructive cult that devalues women and children. The Church seems accepting and warm at first because of a routine and orchestrated welcoming program which soon ends. After that, it would undermine your esteem over the long haul. Believe me, you don't need that.

Has this guy told you Mormons believe sleeping together while unmarried is approximately as reprehensible as murder? He expects you to swallow the religion whole, including sacrificing your children to it, while he uses you to commit what his church considers unthinkable sin. Something here is wrong.

If you care about him, go for counseling together. Don't marry until he agrees to accept you as you are.

Study Mormonism inside and out with the help of the internet and the books recommended there. Then if you unconditionally want to join, do so, without caving in to pressure from this current love interest.

Whether you dump him and his demand that you convert, your next step is to learn to like yourself. Hundreds of honorable men would consider you attractive and the catch of a lifetime. Get over looking at yourself like a slab of meat. You might meet better guys in law school.

Being independent and free of Mormonism is infinitely better than saddling yourself with a man who uses cultism to control you and your children.

My new husband is an ex-member of the cult. We just moved into a new house and within a few months we have missionaries in short sleeved dress shirts and ties with back packs on, asking for my husband by name! I am so furious that they continue to follow us wherever we go and was reading that there is an address we can send a letter to, that will take his name out of their system. PLEASE give me more information on what I need to do before I go crazy on these people at my door.... Thanks! (by the way, love the website!!!)

I hear you! The way missionaries make your skin crawl and keep coming back makes them worse than recurring hives.

Mr. Greg Dodge
Confidential Records, 13th Floor
50 E North Temple
Salt Lake City, UT 84150-3684

You might want to go to www.mormonnomore.com before you write that letter. The information will help expedite the procedure.

If you need further support, try a href="http://www.exmormon.org" target="window">www.exmormon.org.

Here is a piece ot bad news. Officially resigning might not mean that missionaries leave you alone forever. If you continue to have a problem, you might have to complain to the local bishop and/or mission president, or seek help from the police. I'm sure Mormons would be willing to keep missionaries away from your door to avoid a trip to the hoosegow. Being assertive with cultists is the only way to avoid going crazy when they rampage against you.

My sister-in-law and family are MO's and they refused to speak to me several years ago when I chased away their missionaries. They are speaking now after more than 40 years of silence. Congratulations to all who break their spell and live a full life again.

However I urge everyone to not give up on God entirely just because the MO's have bastardized their religion doesen't mean that God does not exist and that his son Jesus Christ is not anxious for our salvation. Seek him out in the Bible and know that he is.

Your Mormon relatives refused to speak to you for 40 years? Glory, hallelujah! You have no missionaries, and you have Mormon relatives who shun your very presence! You've won the super-duper, double jackpot! Many of us would pay you big bucks to rid our lives of Mormons too.

Like you, I congratulate those who break from Mormonism to live a fuller life. That may or may not include a new church, depending on the individual. Join a church if you want, but never consider another cult! Cheryl

Recently in one of your responses you said, "You can't see that I'm blushing pinker than a virgin temple bride! Thank you for a fan letter!" I find this to be very offensive!!! I was under the impression that virgins weren't alowed in the temple, I myself know no one who is a virgin who has gone through the temple.

I must also wonder why is it that Mormons feel the need to defraud other religions? I was recently in a conversation with my brother-in-law, he's an RM who thinks he knows everything. He was trying to convince me that every religion in the world believes in God, so I should too. Well, I brought up religions like Buddhism, Taoism, and Confusism to counter this arguement, but the only reply he mustered was, "We shouldn't consider religions like that, because they don't believe much of anything." This is not the first time I've seen a mormon completely ignore another relgion in an argument.

What? No virgins in the temple? Do Mormons sacrifice them on on the temple steps nowadays to keep them out? Surely, one of us is confusing Mormonism with some other cult. I do apologize. I didn't mean to offend one of my treasured readers. I understand that virginity can't be validated or certified before temple weddings, but I still thought church brethren preferred it. Perhaps my Mormon relatives are behind the times. So it's now a thing of the past? Oh, well.

I think Mormons often do define away world religions the way your brother-in-law has done. Does that mean there are no Mormons, if you choose to exclude the foolish ones who believe a mythical Moroni hid imaginary gold plates in a hill in New York?

In any case, your RM brother-in-law doesn't sound like a fun party mixer. Do your best to avoid him. Instead, start up a conversation with any guy who has a beard, earring, or a cocktail glass in his hand. You'll have a better chance of enjoying an insightful and intelligent discussion.

My wife's entire family are morons, oh I mean Mormons. They have never made any direct comments on the fact that we do not agree with their faith and want nothing to do with it, yet the undertones at family gatherings seems to be that we are outsiders. Personally, I do not care. I was not raised Mormom and will never be a moron, oops did it again. However, my wife escaped the cult 10 years ago and she still wants to be included in the family. Any suggestions?

PS. What goes on in the temple when you are sealed. Do not understand why the man knows both names, while the woman only gets his.

I have bad news for you. Escaping Mormonism means families see you as an outsider. They're in a cult. Every non-member suddenly doesn't quite belong, family or not.

Details of the temple mumbo-jumbo are on the web. It's silly material, well worth the giggles, but I don't have room here to scratch the scum off the sacred temple anointing oil.

The man knows both his secret temple name and his wife's. She is left in the dark on his name because she is a mere woman. He knows both because he must use his to enter heaven. Then he has the option of acknowledging her name and allowing her into heaven if he considers her "worthy." I know. I know. You think that's a joke because this column is in the Latter-Day Lampoon. Sadly, this time I am not joking.

You see why freedom is worth any price, even if you must give up family inclusiveness?

About a year ago the Bishop asked me to open my home up to a college student from Eastern Europe. She has been a delight and has greatly enriched our lives. About a week ago, two of her friends from back home stopped by for an extended visit as part of their grand tour of America. All three are very devote TBM Mormon types and one of the visiting friends is the child of a prominent church leader in that area. While staying at our house the two visiting friends got engaged to each other. He is only 21 and has not served a mission due to educational conflicts. She is only 19 and they are planning a temple marriage in a few weeks.

We all walked to a carnival about a mile away, got seperated and I returned home early to discover our newly engaged visitors in a very compromising position on our front room sofa. I don't know how far they went, but clothing had been removed and I saw her bare little bottom scamper up the stairs and into the shower. (Plausible deniability?) I was totally shocked at the time and did not say a word to either of them.

Of course, I do not want my young children to know about this and the engaged couple are sleeping in seperate rooms. I do not think that they are aware that I am not a hard core who will immediately report them to their Bishop and they probably don't realize that even if it comes down to my word against theirs before their Bishop, they would probably prevail. So if I do nothing, they might still feel pressure to confess and ruin their temple wedding. Perhaps I should have a private talk with the guy and tell him that I will not mention this to anyone. That it is between him, her, and god as far as I am concerned. Perhaps I should tell our house guest since she might find out anyway and she will be mad if I don't and this might blow my cover. Definitely, my TBM (True Believing Mormon) wife would not be happy if she knew and would probably think that I had something going with this young girl. Language barriers are also a consideration but are not insurmountable. What do you think I should do about this perfidity?

Dear Host, I understand your surprise at such an unexpected sight in your living room. Joe Smith enjoyed a parade of bare bottoms on his couch. Could this mean the young man on your sofa may be following the Prophet?

I agree with your decision to keep this from your children. But, your wife? She'd think you had something going on with this girl if you told her? If the bare bottom is engaged to be married soon and was scampering away from you up the stairs, I don't see any possibility of your involvement with the hanky-panky. But I''ve never been a TBM woman. Perhaps that explains my confusion.

I was a converted LDS about 6 years ago and became very inactive over a year now. They haven't stalked at me so far. I feel so much happier for who I am originally before I was converted to LDS.

LDS religion did "destroyed"" my marriage. My former husband and I realized that the Mormonism did silently destroyed our marriage so we have been starting all over by getting to know each other better. And we discussed and figure it out who we are.

Dear 6-Year-Convert, The good news is you are out of the cult and happier for it. The bad news is what it did to your marriage.

I'm surprised that you said Mormonism "silently" destroyed your marriage. The Mormons I know never seem to shut up. A marriage is for two. The church made it an unhealthy threesome.

Starting over in your relationship might be like recovering from a bad case of gout or shingles. I prescribe daily doses of humor like you'll find here on the Latterday Lampoon to revitalize your spirits until you're fully recovered.

I have spent an enjoyable bit of time reading your space on this site. I don't have a question, but rather an anecdote concerning how I managed to get the mishies to quit knocking on my door.

I left the church at 18, and at 22 my downstairs neighbor and I were having a conversation when I recognized that she was a mormon. Being young I did not realize what I was doing when I mentioned that I had been a member, but left. The next thing I knew, there were the mishies at my door. I would not let them in, and being disinclined to be rude I did not end the encounter by shutting the door. Rather, I vollyed their questions for about 5 minutes. Finally, in desperation, one of the boys asked if I "still had my testimony the joseph smith was a prophet of God". I answered that "I believe that joseph smith was a liar", and they both took 4 quick steps backward, as if to be spared the bolt of lightening which was surely to be hurled at me from the heavens! The look on their faces was priceless, and they didn't bother me again.

Now I live in Alaska, and I am much older now than I was at the time of the above incident. I will repeat a polite negative twice when they rap on my door, and then I smile sweetly and ask them to please not force me to be rude. It works.

This site is great, I need to follow through and send in my resignation letter. Thank you for putting in the time to spoof the church, there are some things one needs to be able to laugh at, after the fact, ya know?

Dear Wendy, You can't see that I'm blushing pinker than a virgin temple bride! Thank you for a fan letter!

I admit this wonderful Latter-Day Lampoon, including my modest column, owes its uproarious success to none other than (DRUMROLL) Joe Smith for concocting such lampoonable material for us!

Family history card - LDS Mormon mistake.

Dear Cheryl, A few months ago I made the mistake of talking to a couple of young men (Mormons) about filling out a family history card. Now they continue to drop by or call me. Is this a ploy?

Anyway most of my ancestors are already in the LDS databanks. One of my grandmothers, who was a very devout Seventh Day Adventist (talk about cults), would turn over in her grave if she knew she had been consecrated (or whatever) by the mormon church.

Mormons devour names and addresses in the love bombing you're experiencing. Yes, that genealogy card was a ploy. Every newspaper and TV channel needs to provide regular public service announcements.

"Warning! Don't divulge personal information to mormons. It will precipitate imminent religious harassment, likely to continue beyond death. That's when mormons will finally have their way with you in their temples."

Is it missionaries hounding you? Ask them for the name and address of their mission president. Tell them you will contact him twice every time they call or drop in on you. Then follow through. That will eliminate this problem.

I share your angst about mormon dead baptisms. The practice desecrates the memory of our deceased loved ones and feeds mormon arrogance. Mormons have, in all probability, baptized most of our ancestors since the beginning of written records.

You're right if you've guessed mormons harvest the names of the dearly departed from newspaper obituaries and funeral notices. They glean them from news stories and from history books. At least one mormon combed the encyclopedia searching for dead to mormonize posthumously. If the records are missing a first or middle name, they baptize partial names in hopes God will overlook the omission. It's a fact that they repeatedly baptize many of the same names as busywork for their temple workers. The mormon appetite for names is voracious. They gorge on both the living and the dead.

I recommend that mormons move on to baptizing pets to stay busy in their temples. I think dogs would like it. Cats might be a problem though. They wouldn't stand for full immersion. Not only that, temple workers would have to dunk a living cat nine times for each dead cat's nine lives.

At least these problems would distract mormons from bothering people like you and me, who want mormons to leave us and our ancestors in peace.

Dear Cheryl, I am a disfellowshipped member of the LDS church for reasons of my own beliefs. Each of my family members are still life long members of the church but thankfully they do respect my own choices and do not go crazy if I don't attend church meetings or other activities.

My question though is more to yourself. I hope it is not too personal. Each of your writers have shared different reasons for leaving the mormon church and their dislikes about it. I was just wondering what changed your own views and how you found your own way out.

It seems you have used a lot of sarcasm to express your dislikes of the church but I don't see any heart felt honest reason for your "lack of faith." Is there anything in particular that drove you away? Or was it all of those little things that added up to your leaving? Just curious to know. Any response? Hopefully not too personal.

Dear Hopefully, I'm sure you've noticed the name of this site, The Latter-day Lampoon. Oppressed people often turn to sarcasm and jokes as a way to heal their pain. Humor saves sanity and lives.

Does mormonism enjoy a rich tradition of humor the way most cultures do? No. The church strongly discourages witticism and loud laughter, condemning them as base and irreverent. Why?

Kids might snicker during opening prayers or the sacrament mumbo-jumbo. That could lead to chuckling over magic oil or tittering during priesthood blessings. Folks would certainly laugh at golden plates and the urim and thummim. They would chortle at dead baptisms, or worse, guffaw at endowments, and washings and annointings. Who knows? That could lead to hee-hawing at the preexistence, which might encourage guffaws over polygamy in the celestial kingdom. Let's face it. LDS doctrine is funny! If members laughed, they might realize that their church is one big fat hilarious joke on the faithful "saints," another laughable word.

I grew up in mormonism where light mindedness, any mindedness, is discouraged. I never saw a Nephite, though I heard rumors of three live ones lurking beyond reality. The same is true of Kolob, Satan, underwear that lends protection, and hundreds of other childish myths. I was a kid who asked questions. My family and church punished me until I tried to curb doubts. I also had to tether in my imagination and creativity.

By age 21 I was bursting. I took tentative looks at the real world, and liked what I saw. I asked timorous questions and elicited answers. Finally. My intelligence and creativity found expression for the first time in my life. I left mormonism in the dust in 1967.

To leave the mormon cult was the best decision of my life. It's meant life and breath to me.

I enjoy helping others escape. Humor-deficient mormons need to learn to appreciate lampooning and loud laughter. They need to learn to give and take jokes to enrich their lives, and ours too. I'm still working on this myself, after being stunted as a mormon girl. But I can bear my testimony that humor is a true virtue, not a sin.

Dear Cheryl, I am a 25-year old Mormon Priest in the Aaronic Priesthood and now a dirty atheist in Georgia. I don't get any Mormon stalkers. I kind of want to get in an argument every six months or something. If my rank were higher would they harass me more? In the past year and a half all I've gotten was a postcard inviting me to Stake Conference. My Mormon parents don't even bother me any more. Has the Church given me over to the buffetings of Satan without telling me?

Dear Atheist (considered by mormons to be an "Aaronic Priest"), First of all, atheists are not dirty. Your mind is cleaner than mormon brains filled with cobwebs and dust from the nineteenth century rantings of Joseph Smith.

1. If you don't want mormon contact, you'll be swamped with it. You'll feel like you're drowning at the bottom of a Temple font of mormon harassment.

2. If you need the closure of an occasional mormon argument, you'll be left high and dry, drier than a morsel of week-old Wonder bread sacrament under a pew.

Consider carefully how important such closure is to you. You could call the local bishop or Mission Home to request a visit. But beware. Hordes of mormons, thicker than the cricket infestation of old, may descend.

Here's what I suggest. Write your arguments for the Salamander Society or go to www.exmormon.org. You'll find what you're seeking without being in danger of mormon stalking.

As for Aaronic Priest label, that's something for mormons to worry about, not normal people like you and me.

You feel the urge for mormon contact only every six months? Great! Your recovery is progressing well. The next time you feel that urge, enjoy a glass of wine instead. After that, take a nap. When you awake, the nightmare will be over.

Dear Cheryl, My wife and I moved to Idaho about 3 years ago. We have a 9 year old. The area we are in is completely dominated by LDS. I've studied a lot about Mormonism and realize that it is a cult. We are Christian and will never convert. Some of the ex Mormons around here are the only ones I can talk to. At least they are "real". From what I hear there seems to be a trap of sorts that non-Mormons find themselves in. I mean, jobs for the non- Mormon are very hard to come by. So, even if you want to leave the area, saving the money is nearly impossible. You just don't last very long in the workplace here, especially when it becomes apparent that you are not LDS and do not intend to be.

I'm an outspoken person and if I feel that I'm being treated poorly because I'm not LDS, I tend to be pretty vocal. My child gets it at school all the time. Silly stories about me not being her real father etc. Fortunately she knows better. Some people tell me not to butt heads with LDS but I'm not the type to roll over and play dead.

So, how does a non LDS person deal with them? It's not like you can pretend to be one of them. I wouldn't anyway. I've thought about leveling with them and saying "Look, all I want is to work somewhere long enough to save up and move as far away as possible." But, I've made somewhat of a name around here. You see, I "outed" one of the slumlord Mormons on the local news and in the paper. So I am recognized as a troublemaker.

What do you think? Would telling the local Bishop I just want to leave help or do I just grit my teeth and bear it? We really want out of this "kingdom" but there are so many brick walls.

Dear Jerry, This is a time when I crave easy answers for your difficult problems with the Mormon Church. Unfortunately, Mormons seldom relinquish control simply because they are in the wrong in situations like this.

I know about schools, having been a teacher for over thirty years. Here is the one area where I can offer assistance. The squeaky wheel technique works as nothing else does.

Go into the school office and request a meeting with the principal. Tell him/her that you and your wife want to schedule a meeting with him/her, and your daughter's teacher. Be kind and tactful, but persistent at this meeting. Remember to speak in low, reasonable but quietly determined tones. Lay out the facts and explain that every child deserves a good education in a non-threatening environment.

Elicit a commitment and work together to form a plan to improve your child's treatment. At the end of that meeting, thank them for their time and cooperation. Schedule a follow-up appointment to evaluate the results and to amend the plan if necessary for your child's well-being. Tell them you will return as necessary. Be prepared to go to the school district superintendent, county officials, and/or school board on the off chance that this local school site can't rectify the situation. Be sure to write a thank you note or follow up with pleasant calls to the teacher and principal as you see improvement.

I'm afraid telling the local Bishop may not be productive. He doesn't see his role as helping a nonmember. I'm concerned for your sake about the economy. In Mormon areas, it's the non-Mormons who often feel the economic brunt in times like these.

I do hope you can work your way out of depending on Mormons for fair treatment. I know moving is expensive, but staying there is also taking a toll. It may be helpful to study the demographics of Idaho. Find out which counties have the largest percentage of people who aren't chronically cranky from caffeine deprivation and funny underwear wedgies. You may be able to escape Mormon domination by moving just a few miles. That could speed your journey back to the normal world.

Home robberies and Mormon LDS missionaries.

Dear Cheryl, Is it possible that the Mormons use the visits as a chance to case the joints around town? Every time they inundate a neighborhood, shortly afterwards a lot of home robberies take place in our area. They dont get out at our home because we leave dobermans running loose and we have never been invaded or robbed. Do you think there is a connection? - Suspicious

Dear Suspicious, I'm afraid I'll have to back the Mormons on this one. I'd have to estimate that the rate of robbers among missionaries is no higher than in the general population. Besides, as reprehensible as a robbery is, planning one and pulling it off takes independent thinking skills. The mission program tends to brainwash away thinking of any kinds, both good and bad.

But I agree there certainly could be a connection between the Mormon tracting and subsequent crimes. Anyone who allows missionaries into their home is the epitome of gullibility. Those naive souls who invite mishies in would be the type to throw open their doors to Jehovah Witnesses, door-to-door talking salamander salesmen, and sadly, to robbers.

Here's my theory. Could the robbers be tailing the elders? That might be a way to find victims. Invite the mishies in, and you may be the next pigeon!

Dear Cheryl, Two questions... I am leaving the church, but my sisters(also Mormon) are trying to "re-convert" me. My friends are telling me that I never had a "real" testimony or I wouldn't be leaving now(I have been a member over 25 years). Help! How do I tell my friends and family I know what I am doing? They treat me like an idiot.

I have seriously studied for the past two years Mormonism-and these people can't answer my questions and tell me I am on the verge of apostasy for doubting.. How do I tell them there is life after Mormonism?

Dear Anonymous, I'm afraid there is no way to convince true believing Mormon friends and family that you see the gaping flaws in Mormonism. I'm sad to say they are under cult mind control. Their brainwashed minds can't perceive what's easy for you and I to comprehend.

It's better not to confront their illogical thinking. Just agree to disagree. Be there for them if any do begin to break through their muddled thinking. But lower your expectations. For example, be pleased if one of them starts eating on Fast Sunday. Talking to true believers about Mormon reality is the same as trying to explain the truth about Santa to a two-year-old on Christmas.

It's always the ex-Mormon who must be the adult, logical person among blinded church goers. I wish I had an easy solution for all of us who must deal with Mormon captives. Good luck, Anonymous

Dear Cheryl, Thank God for this website! I am German and have had my experience with the Mormons.

When I was 16 I went to the U.S. to be an exchange student in high school. Unluckily I ended up in a Mormon family. Their son had also been at my house to be an exchange student. He was not very concerned about his religion and so when I went there I was not aware at all what Mormons really are. I thought they were just very nice people. My guest family actually was "the perfect family" there where a lot of kids and for me, who grew up in a not so warm (compared to the Mormons) and caring family.

The father was the bishop of the ward and so without knowing I was put in the most fanatic and non-tolorant home there was in the whole town. When I stayed there I had a lot of advantages, because they had a nice home and young people would always come over (the mother was seminary teacher) and so it was easy to make friends (now I see that Mormons are slightly brainwashed and there´s nothing easier than becoming a Mormon´s friend if you just listen and think but do not criticize their beliefs).

The year there I had the best year of my life, so I thought. However, I did not notice that my host-mom was a real fanatic and that they all sort of tried to get me into that water. I watched little movies and talked and talked and they wanted me to pray and gave me my own scriptures and addresses of wards and temples in Europe.

I was too young to understand what was going on. They made me feel very guilty of the things I had done before in Germany. I drank, had sex, didn´t pray to anyone at all and I guess I must have been a little lost otherwise I wouldn´t have let this crap into my heart!

Although I always told them I would be fine with the Telestial Kingdom, inside my heart I felt very bad. There were only crazy idiots around me and everything was so new that I thought "hey, that´s America".

At some point I started to feel weird talking to my own parents on the phone because they were "bad" and always argued and always had a lot of problems. I was with someone better now! Besides in the Mormon family there where a lot of other things that were really fun, too.

Then I went back to Germany. Here I felt really weird, everything was depressing, my old family, arguing and unhappy people everywhere (they must have seemed unhappy to me because I was used to fanatic "glow eyes" mormons) so I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to American ex-girlfriends or the family. Then they started to get on to me if I would like to see missionaries and if I read in the Book of Mormon, so I loosened the contact a little.

I needed time. Then there was a real breakdown for me because I was so lost and lonely and confused with religion. something was making me so afraid inside and I couldn´t tell anyone here because nobody would understand what I had been through. Also I was proud of myself because the year abroad was so "successful" and easy for me.

So I set in front of the Book of Mormon and I was sweating and shaking. I put all the American stuff away for a long time and I felt like shit inside and still didn´t really understand what was going on. I was trapped in hell and it sucked so bad! I couldn´t scream it out because mormon teachings come with love and hope that you would like to have and then you´re stuck because you´re soul is trapped!

The stupid thing is: all this happened to my heart, in my head I always knew that I didn´t want to be a Mormon. Now after months and months I started to research on Mormon beliefs and luckily found all these good pages here! Thank you for that. An old "friend" gave my address to some missionaries in Germany and I´m afraid that they are going to show up here!

Dear Torn Up German Heart, Yes thank God for this website! There are many other good ones out there to help you. Please check them out.

You are right about being unlucky with that fanatic Mormon family. The Mormon image is very deceptive as you have unfortunately discovered. You have a right to feel proud of your successful year abroad. You should also feel proud that the Mormon brainwashing wasn't entirely effective on you. Some people don't do half as well as you did!

I wish you had an ex-Mormon friend to talk to about your confused feelings. You're right. It's very hard for someone to understand when they haven't had similar Mormon experiences.

Do you have a school counselor or mature friend who could listen and at least try to understand? Some people exposed to Mormonism do go for a few professional counseling sessions to talk through their emotions. If that isn't feasible, you may consider doing some reading on combating cult mind control. There are several good books and a web site by Steven Hassan that may help you.

Be prepared to say, "no," "not interested," "no," "absolutely not," "no, no, no," if and when the Mormon missionaries want to talk to you. That's called the broken record approach, and it works. You don't owe them an explanation, just a firm, "NO!"

Dear Cheryl, Hi! Well, I Just turned 19 a few days ago. Earlier this year I gave my letter to have my name removed from the church records. I DON'T believe the LDS Church is true, never have, never, ever, ever, will! But then my bishop yelled at me, then cried, and then called me a liar, and all I did was sit and look at him, with no emotion. He yelled at me and made me cry from all the ear ache that I had. Then he said he was glad that I realized leaving was wrong, he thought because I was crying that I was repenting?!

Well, anyway, now I have written another letter to him and to the Stake President. I was very formal, and told them that if they didn't remove my name I would make a big deal in the news and in the newspapers! The thing is that I am worried that won't work. If it doesn't, can I sue these freaks? I have no problem taking them to court. Please help! - Erin, 19 and not going back ever ever ever never!

Dear Erin, I knew the church was a crock at your age too. I still tried to play along for a couple of years and left at age 21. I haven't been sorry for a minute since 1967!

That bishop has no right to treat you that way. You and I know it! Mormons misunderstand tears because of being brain washed during fast and testimony meetings. They seem to think anyone who cries somehow believes the church is true. But I don't have to tell you that. You are wise beyond your years.

Try this: Call Greg Dodge at 801-240-2701. He and his staff's full time jobs for the church are to help people like you. The church wants to avoid lawsuits and bad publicity. This guy and his staff must help you.

Take a deep breath or two. Decide exactly what to say. Then, call the number. You may want to say you're getting the run-around at the ward level. You are serious about resigning. You don't want to suffer any more emotional abuse over your decision. You simply want to exercise your freedom of religion and association as an adult citizen.

Use a low, serious, steady voice. You may practice before you call or write a little script if that helps you. Don't answer questions unless you feel like it. Simply repeat your request if anyone doesn't hop-to immediately. Many people get good results this way. I hope you will tool.

If you have any problems, I am here to help you. Don't worry. You are right. The bishop is wrong. You will be okay. Good luck.

I hope your life as an ex-mormon will be half as happy as mine. If so, you'll be in the "celestial kingdom" here on earth when you have a chance to adjust to the real world, free of mormon servitude.

I wrote my bishop a letter and my stake president a letter asking for my name to be taken off LDS church records. I received a letter from my bishop informing me that he would in fact have my name taken off the church records, so I am still waiting for my confirmation letter. :)

My boyfriend who is a True Believing Mormon doesn't want anything to do with me any more. We were suppose to have gotten married in December. But the good thing is that now that I left another girl who was in my Young Women's class also left the church. So I am believing in God for her to be able to free herself. She has stopped attending church, and even though we really don't talk any more for other reasons, she did tell me that it helped her for me to leave the church because she didn't feel so bad.

As a result of her leaving the church so did this other girl named xxxxx. And now this other girl named xxxxx is also starting to stop going to church. So I am glad in being able to be an example. I might not have been able to get them completely out , but at least I think that they are feeling that the LDS church is false. And hopefully God will touch their hearts, and lead them to Him.

As for me I have gone back to my BORN_AGAIN church and am very happy there. I feel like after 5 years I am myself. I can now have heaven on Earth. Thank you all again for you support!

Dear Cheryl, Wow! What about those Missionarys! I just cant get over the feelings I have for them. Help! I'm twice there age and I think about them all the time, So young, so sweet. I want to eat them all. I had several meetings, and do not want to be a Mormon, but want those Boys, What do I do? - elderlust

Dear elderlust, My advice for you is simple. You must buck up. There's no other way.

These so-called elders are putting in their two years hoping to score baptisms. You are a means to an end for them. You're an X on a scorecard in their bigger plan to score with Mormon girls when they return home. Mormon mishies think day and night about fair-skinned, phony, giggly, eighteen-year-old virgins who are woefully deluded. Those silly girls think Mishies who've dunked people like you are the only males worth a cuddle.

Play your gaga game with the mission boys and you'll end up baptized. After a few months of orchestrated fellowshipping, you'll be nothing more than a simple Mormon convert. In plain language, you'll be a second rate citizen in a third rate cult.

The missionaries will pencil you in on a quota sheet. Next, they'll drop you like a steaming Idaho russet. To them, you'll be a notch on a gun, a tally on a game sheet, a mark with a number two pencil.

So listen up. This is the last time I'll say this to you. Be a responsible non-Mormon woman and move on to a real man. You don't need to waste your time with brain washed, young boys in funny nineteenth century, "magic" underwear.

Dear Cheryl, Maybe this is for advice, maybe for a moment to vent. But nonetheless, I am an ex-fourth generation Mo whose roots run deep. However, as you can imagine, I found out a few "deeper doctrines" when I was 18 that set me down the path less traveled. Anyway, at 29 I have been trying to get past the Zion Curtain for many years but have found myself in school for the past three years (but with only one more to go). As I prepare myself to (hopefully) depart for a residency far, far away I am left with one inescapable fact: I AM LONELY.

While I have spent my time sequestered away from the culture that thinks I might someday come back (quiet laugh) I cannot completely get away from its dating scene. Fortunately, I have held a strict policy not to date any of the Morg, for I know this can only come to despair sooner or later (when lack of temple eligibility/disbelief and a TBM (True Believing Mormon) collide). However, I feel myself slipping. All the women I meet around here are members of the fold!

Indeed, not belonging to the bar nor club scene it is hard to find anyone but. I find myself starting to rationalize getting involved with these women. To their credit, the ones in which I find interest embody the good qualities in a wife/partner, save the whole belonging-to-a-cult-thing. But nonetheless, I find myself slipping. Please help. - Thersities

Dear Thersities, Dear Thersities, I left the Mormon Church at a young age. I was fully prepared to live as a hermit rather than exist under Mormon tyranny. Like you, I felt lonely. I worried that solitude would be my lifelong burden in payment for freedom from religion.

Now here's the good news. There are hundreds of wonderful, non-bar-hopping women in the world who long to meet you. If half of them knew where to find you, you'd have to beat them off with a stick. You'd be asking me to help you fend off the feminine hordes. Thersities, I can tell. You are a catch!

Here's my advice: Go to another church if you're inclined, one with a singles program. Some ex-Mormons like the Unitarian Church. Or check out the Skeptic or Atheist's societies if you're interested. Start smiling at people more often. Never miss a chance at small talk. Always ask a woman if she's religious before you ask her to spend time with you.

Leave Utah and the Mormon influence as soon as possible. Face up to the loneliness. There may be times when you'll miss the culture and the comfort of Utah. Tell yourself that's okay. It's great. It's a small price to pay for freedom. Don't expect overnight change.

Take night classes women might like, perhaps in writing, art, or a language. Sign up for a cooking class. Join book discussion groups at local book stores. Take dancing lessons. Learn tennis. You'll have a good, comfortable life and eventually some good non-Mormon friends who will introduce you to other friends. If you find yourself too impatient, sign up for a singles introduction service like "Table for Six."

I transitioned out of the cult. I promise you can too. I'd snap you up myself if I wasn't already spoken for. Best wishes.

I was sucked into the deep black hole of Mormonhood under the concurrent influences of an ex-gay-but-cured-by-Mormonism boyfriend AND an addiction to crystal meth. (I was actually baptized five minutes after ingesting a whole snootful.) Happy to say, it was easy to drop the fleeting idea I could dress like a Stepford Wife -- EASY to drop the boyfriend, who said I was the reason he was slipping back into sinful thoughts, I gather of the homosexual nature -- EASY, believe it or not, to drop even the DRUGS. However, the Mormons can't get it through their little neat slick haircutted heads that I am not one of them, have never BEEN one of them, nor WILL I ever be one of them, and I shredded my baptismal certificate eons ago. What do I do besides show up to the door naked?

Dear show up naked, My congratulations! You gave up wearing drab clothes, mormonism, and an incompatible boyfriend, and drugs! All excellent decisions! With such a track record, you should have your own advice column.

I'm sorry you have the lingering problem of mormon stalkers. But others can learn from your experience. Nod at a mormon, you'll have months of harassment. Take a dip in their handy-dandy font, and the grief could last a lifetime!

I'll repeat a truism for those who need review: How people answer the door to mormons is not the problem. Get naked and throw open the door. You'll shock the mormon on the other side. Unfortunately, mormons are like ants. They pour out of their religious anthills day and night in droves to infest the normal world. Shock one mormon, and you still have millions after you like ants on a cupcake at a ward picnic.

Follow the two for one rule. Provide two unwanted contacts to a church leader for each one you receive. If one mormon shows up at your door, call or go to the bishop's door twice. If two mormons come knocking, respond with two contacts to the bishop's house and also the stake president's house.

The nudity idea is a good one. Mormons don't approve of it. Some of your unwanted return contacts could be in the form of pictures of nude male Chippendale models. Send them to the bishop's wife, the stake president's wife and others. The priesthood holders won't like the competition and will eventually put you on a no-contact list.

Good luck with this last challenge in your life. After so many others, this couldn't be too difficult. You can do it.

Hi Cheryl, I am in my 4th year of freedom from the mo-mo's. I got married to the love of my life after I decided to free my soul from the clutches of this cut-throat organization.

My "family" who are all Mormon, all 6 of my siblings, minus one sister who ran from the cult as well, they hate my husband. He has tried all he can to make peace with them, but because we weren't married in the temple and he wasn't a missionary, they judge him and me and they are making our life miserable.

My mother is in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and all she does is send us CD's of their stupid Hymns. I have told them that I am not interested in their "Religion" anymore.

You want to talk about hypocrits? Get this, my little brother, 18, got his girlfriend pregnant, (pre-marital sex...) then they decided to get married in her backyard after the baby was born. Same thing with my oldest sister. My family has brought all of them into their home and they all love them, but all I did was get married!

Why is it that all Mormons preach about hypocrisy and judgements and all that stuff? They cant hold up to their teachings. They are the biggest sinners of all of us. I still don't know why they cant love my husband like they love their bastard grandchildren, born out of wed-lock and not sealed to their parents.

Dear sure, Congratualtions on your four years of freedom from mormonism, your successful marriage, and your excellent judgment on when and whom you should or should not "boink." You deserve high motherly praise and appreciation. I'm sending you my sincere and warm admiration.

It's unfortunate that I, a stranger, can't make up for your errant, mormon-mind controlled mother. Here's a hurtful truth: your mother sings Praise to the Man, meaning Joe Smith, the con man. Instead, she should be singing praises to you and your man who are bright, non-cultish good citizens.

Here's the good news: you are a wise and insightful woman. You and your husband can survive without your mother's well deserved acknowledgement. You've done what's right for you at every turn. Now it's right to see that your poor mother is blinded to your true worth. She can't help it. She's a mormon. You can help it. You're a smart, caring, decent, mormon free woman.

I have a friend whose girlfriends's sister is a Mormon, my friend and his girlfriend have both told me to send her an e-mail, I have found out since that she is a Mormon, do you think that they are trying to tell me something? I must say that my friend is definately NOT a Mormon, maybe he is trying to get me back for trying to get him to read books by Robert Anton Wilson? I must add in a reply to my e-mail that she swore?

Are they lying do you think? Or perhaps trying to get me to rescue her? Is it possible to rescue her? And if so - how?

Dear Slightly Concerned, You're right. You are thankfully only slightly concerned. Give up that modest concern and go have a steaming Starbucks. That's time better spent.

I have a sweet and wonderful neighbor who invited me to learn more about her religion... Mormonism. Now I was born and raised Lutheran attended Methodist services with my grandparents and have relatives and in-laws who are devout Catholics, so I have a little experience with some differences in Christianity.

My neighbor is obsessed with her church activities, she is on every committee, her kids go to church every day in fact the boys have to be up at 5am so they can attend before going to school all day.

My quandry is that in my small attempts to research mormonism I have found so many things that are.... well to be frank Bizarre that I am curious what else there is that I may be missing. The items that I have found are common knowledge but this religion appears to be inundated with secrecy I would be interested to see what else there is.

I am setting up a meeting with my neighbor in a few weeks to ask her some questions on her beliefs any input you have would be appreciated.

Just a note, I'm not looking to begin in this religion I enjoy learning about all kinds of religions and this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.

Dear Religious Detective, Tell your sweet neighbor you want to continue to share recipes, gardening tips, and neighborhood gossip. Religion is not a good subject for neighborhood chit-chat. Take my advice or you may damage your friendship. Study religion, particularly mormonism which is more of a cult than a normal church, at the library or on the internet, not out by the mailbox. Be sure to read everything on this Latterday Lampoon site!

Sitting on toilet when Mormons come over.

Dear Cheryl: I'm married to a 5th gen True Believing Mormon. Every month her home teachers come over and drone on and on. I try to be nice, but I'm running out of excuses to miss the home teaching visits. I've tried sitting on the toilet (so long I get a ring on my bum), pretending to vomit, mowing the lawn, watching tv, and so on, but every time my wife gets after me and drags me down to the gulf of misery and endless woe, my living room.

Dear Tree Hugger, I love tree huggers. I know they're nice because I consider myself one of the nicest of huggers. You and I are kindred spirits.

But there are times when nice is not the priority. Avoiding stupid lessons seems to be your priority. Your wife has a right to hear any drivel she chooses. Just politely tell her you won't. Save your upper GI, your poor bum, and all this endless woe. Just say "no thank you" like a broken record and walk away each and every time these people show up.

Trees are great company. Mormon assigned home visitors are not.

Good Luck.

Dear Cheryl: I am a young, mormon, woman, quite content in my faith. I don't come to you in spite or with hard feelings. I know that the Mormon church's worst enemy is often the Mormon people. But i fear that people visiting this sight don't get to hear the good things that the church can do. The teachings of the church are there to help us. I can tell you that they have helped me immensely. I've stumbled on the path and haven't always been the best example, but i encourage your readers to seek out good Mormon examples. There are bad seeds in all religions and the Latter-day saints aren't exempt, but I know that they are the minority.

Dear Young Woman, This is an advice column for people who realize that mormonism is an abusive cult and a total fraud. When you see through it like the rest of us, come back for advice. I'll be glad to help.

Dear Cheryl: I am ever plagued by the door bell and men in suits on bikes. I cringe every time I see their little helmuts coming up the road. I have a no solicitation sign (painted in red) on my front door at eye level (no missin it) and yet they still present themselves at my door.

Would I be going overboard to answer the door with a cauldron and ask them to join me in a pagan sacrifice?

Dear Bewitchted, I understand the missionary plague. You have every right to answer the door with a cauldron and talk about pagan sacrifice. But won't that detract from your decor? Besides, how you answer the door is not the problem. The mormon church policy is the problem. Mormons don't respect your rights. If they did, they'd respect your sign. Here are ideas that may help. Choose any or all as you see fit:

1. Call the Bishop and tell him you will call back and/or visit him each time you are harassed by these mormon bikers. His number is in the phone book under Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

2. Call the local mission president and tell him you're keeping a harassment folder. After two more unwelcome visits, you will file a police report. Then go to the police after only one visit. When they object, say, "I lied, just like mormons do." Don't expect the police to take care of the problem for you. They may have other priorities. Tell them you want to file a report. Then, fill out the form they give you and send copies to any local mormon authorities you know or find in the telephone book. Or drop it off at the local ward house on Sunday. Mormons hate police entanglements.

3. Write a letter to a local newspaper religion reporter and/or letters to the editor section. Send copies to the local mormon authorities. They hate bad publicity. This tactic embarrasses them even if the letter isn't published.

Good luck Bewitched!

Dear Cheryl: I am an 18 year old soon-to-be ex-mo. My problem is that no matter what, I can't shake the Mormon influence. I never really believed in the church's doctrine, but just the same, I continue to live by the word of wisdom and law of chastity for the most part. In short, I like the clean-living aspect of the church and I like that Mormons have morals, but I absolutely can't tolerate the actual religious beliefs. It's hard living the way I do outside of the church because I don't know a lot of non-Mormons who share my values. Do you have any suggestions on how I can find others (read: boys!!) like me?

P.S. I also kind of have a thing for Mormon missionaries. Yummy! Retired Molly Mormon

Dear Molly, You are the image of me at your age. That's about when I broke for freedom from the Mormon scam.

I agree with clean living. Mormons think if you dump their cult, you will end up a dope addict criminal and in jail. Not true. You are wise to have values outside their contrived rules.

I can't reply to your comment about continuing to live by the word of wisdom and the law of chastity "for the most part." Some parts of the word of wisdom and chastity are much more fun to live by than others. Don't worry about trying to shake the Mormon influence. These things take time, lots of time!

Molly, college is the place for growing and learning beyond Mormonism. College is also the best place to develop your real world skills and begin to make lifelong, non-Mormon friends.

And now a word about the "yummy" Mormon missionaries. They only seem yummy. You have only seen them with their clothes on. Underneath, they are bad news for a girl who hopes to escape Mormon prison. If you see a bunch of mishies in only their garmies and turned upside down, they all look alike. My greatest decision in life was NOT to marry a returned missionary. Stay away from them!

Hang in there and start to travel in better circles, Honey. I did it, and you can too!

Cheryl: Why are you such an idiot and why do you make all this rubbish up. I know you wrote all those questions yourself just because deep inside you have some personal vendeta against the LDS church probably because of something really pathetic and most people have better things to do then sit around and listen to you trying to give advice. - Mo-sense of humor

Mo, in answer to your question, why are you such an idiot? My excuse is the same as yours. I was a mormon.

I agree with you that there are better ways to spend time than listening to my advice. Some of the more sublime include, holding a newborn. cruising Glacier Bay, seeing the Sistine Chapel, or enjoying Madame Butterfly.

However, there are much worse ways to spend time. How about reading LDS lesson manuals or enduring a testimony meeting? Then, there's making Relief Society centerpieces with toilet paper inserts and juice cans. Reading spurious doctrine, praying to an imaginary "heavenly father," and doing visiting teaching are equally degrading. Such time wasters make my column seem indispensable by comparison!

These sets of examples are extremes. Sharing with Cheryl advice is somewhere in the middle. Reading my advice can be a pleasant diversion. It can
actually be helpful in some cases.

Prividing time fillers is your church's highest priority. But if you need more advice on ways to use your time to avoid reading what I write, I'll be happy to help you. Advice is what I'm here to give!

As for the authenticity of these letters: all of them are more real than "the golden plates hidden deep in the mountain side." That includes the ones from readers like you. It also includes the satirical ones I made up. Any free, unfettered mind can discern the difference.

Thank you for the unexpected pleasure of providing needed counsel to a true believing mormon.

I have sinned with Mormon LDS missionary discussions.

Dear Cheryl: I have sinned. I have had the first three "Missionary Discussions" and they are now in for the kill. I am a polite person. How do I develop the killer instinct? They are so nice and well, good looking. Is going out at the time they are coming for "Discussion 4, The Final Conflict", impolite? Please answer soon, or I will be at the temple, learning the secret handshake and getting dunked under water never to be heard of again.

All I got was a couple of small pieces of chocolate, why didn't I get the sweets. Mind, they did ask if I like pancakes with maple syrup...help! - Sinner and proud of it.

You are proof that bad things can happen to good people. You've suffered "Discussions 1-3." That's enough Mormon "badness" for a good person to bear. Great you saw through the Mormon hard sell!

Good people can also be infested with other evils. Let's say you saw a mouse on your kitchen counter, devouring your peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Would your heart melt over its soft fur and cute, twitchy nose? Would you consider it a guest? Would you worry about manners?

If mice invade, don't run away. That's asking for trouble. Mice are crawling with disease. They leave droppings. They nibble your chocolate doughnuts. They propagate at an alarming rate. Let them stay, and they may invite their relatives, the rats, into your home. Next, you'll have families of smelly, three-toed sloths sharing your bed.

Practice these words in front of your mirror, "I have no interest in Mormonism. Don't return, I won't tolerate future contact!" Repeat this message as often as necessary with ever increasing force.

Follow this advice. Otherwise you'll need an exterminator to rid yourself of: bogus advice on coffee and tea, intrusive visits, demands on your time, tithing requests, whiny messages on your answering machine, and ladies bringing sweets to worm mormonism into your life.

Cheryl...We live in a small town in Idaho that is Mormon infested! I mean there is only one Church and it is LDS. If you are not a Mormon you are treated like dirt. They harrassed us for years. Everytime they got a new Bishop it was his calling to sig the missionarys on us! I have told them dozens of times I was not interested that I had my own beliefs etc. Last year Bishop Bill took to personally attacking me and even told me I was not a Christian! (Presbytarian) He told all his followers to not associate with me or my family. He even called in some of our freinds and told them to not visit us any more. This was brought on because we started going to City council meetings and he thought we had not right, not being Mormon. I cannot imagine people thinking they are better than others and are going to be God's like the Mormons do. I just thought I would let you know how bad the Mormons are in this area. I think they are the rudest people on earth for how they put other religions down and degrade non-members. Proves to me that they are just a sick cult!!!! - Crystal in Idaho

I was born near where you live and suffer daily. Alas, I fear my relatives may be among the Mormons infesting your life. I apologize for their boorishness.

You are the lovely butterfly entrapped in a web of black widows. Put another way, you're a stunning fox cornered by a pack of haggle tooth hounds. Or stated best, you are the one sane person in the asylum! You may want to watch "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" for additional insight.

The Mormon view on Christianity proves the above point. Mormons are Christian? Presbyterians are not? Ahem!

Let's imagine Jesus as a Mormon. Would He advocate stalking unbeleivers to trap them into the faith? What about shunning those with differing beliefs?

Did Jesus require secret handshakes and believe Quakers lived on the back side of the moon? Did he require hundreds of hours of meetings and home visits? Would the Son of God ban morning coffee? Did Christ require believers to subsist on runny green Jell-O and soggy casseroles? And worst, is there historical evidence The Lord wore ugly, secret underwear? You see, we don't even need scripture to prove Mormons are not the true Christians. Do we?

I take exception to only one of your assertions. Mormons are not just the rudest people on the face of the earth. From everything you have pointed out, they are the rudest people not only on earth, but also in outer darkness and every degree of glory any human can imagine, including planet Kolob and those Mormon planets yet to be invented.

Advice? Just hang tough, Crystal, Dear! And plan an escape if and when you're able. Sister Cheryl Goody Tip Toe is, as always, on your side!

Dear Cheryl: In the workforce I am not a mo! But at time in the local workforce it is intolerable ... (and I ain't kidding here.) The gang gathered at a desk near mine,the topic of incredible intense conversation ... "which garment material is the best, do you like 2 piece or 1 piece?" THOUGHT I WOULD TOSS MY LUNCH!

Then after every gathering of the saints (confurnz) the topic is the droned messages of the bretheren. How do you cope with this crap?? utahcounty

Dear utahcounty: You have found yourself living in a special Hell unknown this side of perdition! I feel your pain as I have lived in Utah County Outerdarkness, myself. My cousins are among your offensive co-workers.

Stand tall. Be brave. You are the normal person among the living dead. Adapt these additional suggestions based on: 1. Do you need this job? 2. Will you soon escape to a normal place? (I'll be blunt here because you are not a mind-controlled Mormon freak.) 3. Do you have balls?

First, the underwear abuse. Next time, bring out your Victoria Secret catalogue. Take it over and suggest they may like to order. Compare the one-piece teddies and the two-piece camisole/bikini sets in silk or lace, red or black.

"Confurnz" counterpoint: (Ah, yes, you take me back with your terminology!) Three days before the Saints gather, do this. Let's say you're Wicca. Tell your co-workers, "I met with my coven for a celebration of the moon. Listen to these chants and spells we practiced." Then, at any mention of Mormon mind control Confurnz madness, begin a chant or spell.

On the other hand, suppose you're an Athiest. They don't do chants and spells. Tell the gang you'll be attending the Skeptics Society Convention. The theme will be, "Why People Believe Weird Things." Half of the attendees won't even wear underwear. A constricted body means a constricted mind.

These measures will help while you plan a permanent escape. Otherwise you will be in jeopardy of tossing your lunch until you leave Utah County.

Thank you for a great question. This is an all too common problem among the victims of Mormonism! Sister Cheryl Goodytiptoe stands ready to comfort one and all!

Cheryl: I have fought off Mormon Stalkers for six years and have stifled contact in all but one situation. Every month two pleasant ladies in flowered maternity smocks come to my door. I think they are both named Molly. They bring homemade cookies, pie or cake. I love sweets and don’t know how to bake. What should I do? Sweet Tooth

Dear Tooth: Mormon-made desserts are for Mormons! If you eat the sweets, unwelcome contact will accelerate. Here’s how it works: Goodies lead to monthly messages which lead to invitations and missionary visits, church attendance, callings, tithing, mind-control, stress and guilt. Total hell on earth!

In other words, do not eat those desserts. Haven’t you heard of Girl Scout cookies or Twinkies?

You must return every Molly-made dessert with a vacuum pack of Starbucks coffee beans. Buy yourself some Starbucks, too. It will help those Twinkies go down easier.

You’ll find freedom is sweeter than any Mormon sticky buns could ever be. Good luck, Tooth.

Cheryl: I must share with you! I am an 89-year-old man and I need a rest from Mormon stalking. I broke for freedom 67 years ago. The Mormons have stalked me ever since. They phone every week. They mail invitations to Ward Get-to-gathers. They send Home Teachers and Missionary boys. They send Visiting Teacher ladies, and my wife passed away 22 years ago!

I hated being a Mormon when I was a kid. And I’ve hated these 67 years of stalking! I always say, “No thank you,” as my mother taught me, but I’m afraid I’ll die before they get the message.

Dear Patient But: I am enclosing a gold certificate of goodness and patience with my answer. You’ve earned it!

Your situation requires drastic action. These Mormons must get this message: Do not call with invitations or I will call to invite you to my hemorrhoid surgery. If you don’t show up, I will call twice to invite you to my Sigmoidoscopy.

Do not set foot on my property or I will send Exmos into your house. They will photograph your unmade bed. They will look for dust bunnies. They will smudge your genealogy records. They will find your hidden Playboy magazines and leave them on your wife’s sewing machine. They will check your bathroom hamper for stains on your dirty garmies. They will use your computer to bookmark The Latter Day Lampoon!

Do not contact me again or I will file a stalking report at the police department naming you, Hinckley, and the LDS cult in the complaint. Then, I will call local newspapers, TV and radio news directors and tell them what I have done!

Suffering

My husband and I moved from Utah to Arizona to Texas to Florida to Maine to Death Valley, California trying to escape Mormonism for the sake of our young children. Mormon spies track us everywhere. We now live in Nome, Alaska and those irritating idiots have tracked us yet again. They pester us at least three times a week using dog sleds. Help! Suffering

Dear Suffering: You are a decent family and you have a right to protect your children from Mormonism. You hope to lead a normal life. Unfortunately, these are not normal people who are treating you this way. They are mind-controlled Mormon stalkers!

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